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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

on the OW:

... when there are children involved, she's their only hope of not being neglected when he has them for visitation.

I believe this to be true in my case. Plus her mother is around the house A LOT. I know their presence has saved my children from neglect and outright abuse.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know there are people on here who have NPD exs, with children. Do they exercise custody regularly? Do they talk bad about you to the kids? And if so, do the kids seem affected by it, at least in how they view you?

Actions speak louder than words. We (non NPDs) are in it for the long haul. So, I've learned that he's inconsistant, but much more likely not to bash me than I thought. That being said, his actions, or lack thereof as may be the case, help the kids (young to old teens) see him for what he's worth. My 18 year old will not visit him at all anymore, the younger two follow the 50/50 split, sometimes it's ok and sometimes not. If you ask them what they want, they want to go to a restaurant with him once a week for dinner! But no way are they ready to go up in front of a judge or deal with the pressure from him if I involve a GAL.

Action speak louder than words. My kids trust my consistant, and supportive, actions. I am catching up on a zillion posts, but I know that a custody question and worrying about the negative bashing of us by the NPD was a question - I can't say enough as I've recently lived through a life saving example of this with one of my kids, that our actions speak louder than (the lying crap)words (the NPD speaks).

It is hard to really believe in this, as it takes a while to see the fruits of this idea, but it is oh so true. I really believe that I'm well on to the road to saving my 18 ds from his NPD father. He's graduating (wow, yipee! after what his dad did to him) and going to college (oh wonderful boy!).


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1277 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, May 25th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbxNPD demanded 50/50 custody of the kids, which in CO is what happens unless you want to go to court or one parent wants less 50/50. One of the reasons I agreed to it on a temporary basis is that I have a feeling his true colors will show, I don't think he will be able to handle them 50/50, but we'll see. My kids love and adore thier dad, he seems genuinely interested in the them now. Of course during the A and troublesome time after he was gone any chance he had, so I am not sure what his REAL parenting style is.

He does bad talk me a lot, in a passive agressive way. He'll cry when he picks them up and say he's sad. So then the kids say "why won't you make daddy happy and let him stay, he wants to stay" It can be hard on me, but more importantly I know its fucking the kids up. Why can't your daddy control himself for 2 mins and get back in his god damn car and go to work?!

I asked him if he would drop the kids off at my house on Mon (he needed my mom to watch them as he hadn't arranged care for them that day, his day with them, and he had to work). he said no, he'd drop them off at my moms house (farther away, more inconvienent, etc) just so I couldn't see them. Then at 7:45am the morning of the drop off my phone starts going crazy, texting, calling, saying he wants to drop them off at my house now. The kids want to see me and he made a "deal" with ds. Ummm. I was just jumping in the shower and had to get to work, my mom was at her house waiting for them. I told him no. He then tells the kids "well, mommy is just to busy, so sorry kids" instead of saying "I should have never promised something I couldn't do. Though I am sure he thought I would rearrange everything in 2 mins for him, not going to happen anymore.
I DO want to see the kids and wish he could have been adult about it the night before and we could have made actual plans, but I am not giving in to these last min antics.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sick_of_the_lies
♀ Member
Member # 26961
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rainagain, that's my general perception as well, but I wasn't sure if people dealing with NPD exes felt differently, or if it altered the dynamic.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal,

Make sure you are writing all of this down - keep a calendar (probably one of those day planners would be good as it would have space under each date for writing) of all his ridiculousness.


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I do deal with my ex differently. I cut him very little slack and usually don't give him the benefit of doubt. Pretty much anything he does I assume he is lying or otherwise trying to manipulate the situation.

My kids also interact with him differently. Part of that is because they are older and part of that is because they see who he is now. My ex spends so little time with them that any time he does interact with them he is pretty out of his element because he basically is dealing with strangers to him even though in his mind nothing has changed.

Cogal make sure you document all of this. You did the right thing with him wanting to change the plan at the last minute. He will turn your whole life upside down with that kind of crap if you give in to him with that kind of crap.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys,
I have been bless with some good news. See my post in "Off topic." the post is titled "It's a Boy!"

Photo included.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loooonnnnggg mother of a day. My SIL was induced today and ended up having an emergency c-sec. Baby was born lifeless, but thank goodness after resucitation he is fine. It was my first day back with the kids since last Friday, so they were anxious all day, it was hard. He dropped them off in tears, did his usual "I will miss you, daddy doesn't want to leave" bullshit. Same shit at bedtime. If he keeps it up he will lose the opportunity to say goodnight to them over the phone. All ds wanted to know tonight was "are you sad" and of course he got more tears and how daddy wants to be here But suprisingly after that neither of them wanted to talk with him. So I think even they are tiring of his constant drama.

I still get at least a text every hour from him. He is really big on getting into MC now. How many fing times do I have to tell him he needs IC, we don't need MC. This is how I remind myself of his NPD. I mean if someone told you all you had to do to have a chance at saving your M was to go to IC we all know we would. He has heard that from day one and here we are over a year after d-day #1 and he still hasn't gone.
It can get hard to do NC when I want to yell at him what a moron he is, but I know it is wasted breathes, so I resist. I wish I could copy and paste from my phone all his texts, it is quite the read.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
MaleableReality
♀ Member
Member # 22451
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. Have any of you, sometime after getting your NPDSTBX out of your life (as much as possible), realized that you are pretty significantly f**ked up. I'm going through a bit of a tough time right now. I think, being out of it for a while now, that I'm finally starting to see the way my ability to trust both myself and others has been seriously compromised. When I do something my STBX does not like, the barrage of shit begins (I do not practice NC nearly well enough!) and I end up getting very down. Its like those messages he sends me trickle in; bad mom, bad pet owner, poor housekeeper, terrible at finances, spend thrift, whore (you know, 'cause I'm dating), whatever the flavor of dumping is for that particular presumed offense. Just like when in the past I'd bring up something he'd said he'd do and he'd claim we never had that conversation and invariably, I'd start to wonder if I was crazy; maybe I'd imagined that conversation.

Just like that, I begin to question. Am I doing a bad job raising the kids? Did I really just put the 16 year old dog down for my own convenience?

I've met someone that I really connect with and find that though he tells me he loves me, I don't believe it. How do you get to the bottom of this crap? Can I fix this? Learn to trust again? I'm such a strong woman in every way except this way. I hate this.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2009
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you get to the bottom of this crap?

First, quit talking to him.

Seriously - that is the only way to stop the abuse.

I have kids with my ex; if he starts to talk about ANYTHING that is not kid related, I become a mute.

If we are on the phone (very rarely - I recommend email communication except for emergencies), and he starts to prattle on, I hang up.

Now I don't mean "Oh, I'm sorry, I have to go now!" or "I don't have to listen to this!" I mean straight hang up the phone, when he is in mid-sentence.

I do not practice NC nearly well enough

Get better at it.

One thing it took me a long time figure out is I still believed that a non-response was agreement with him.

An example of this would be him texting/emailing/calling to say I'm a bad mother.

Of course, my hackles are up. You wanna talk about parenting, asswipe?! We'll TALK ABOUT PARENTING!

But really, the best thing I could do was not respond.

The more times I didn't respond, the less he bothered in the first place.

If you feel you have to respond, sit on it. Don't do it for a few days. If after a few days it still requires a response from you, do so.

And yes, I understand he will escalate - the more time it takes you to respond, the more messages you get, right? - but just ignore him.

Unless one of your kids is in the emergency room or needs a kidney, no judge will say you have to respond to him just because he says so.

HE thinks that, i'm sure. He's the center of the Universe, don't you know! But, and I know this is hard to grasp until you've been NC a while and your head has cleared, no one else on the planet thinks you have to jump because he said so.

That is the brain pattern you are in now - he says something, you respond - and you have to break that.

Once that is broken, you can move forward with other things.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 729 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you, sometime after getting your NPDSTBX out of your life (as much as possible), realized that you are pretty significantly f**ked up.

Yes, I realized that. All the gaslighting, lying, manipulation, bullying, entitlement and blameshifting did a number on me. Through counseling I learned I was a prime target due to FOO issues. Counseling helped me find me again. I now can trust me. I trust my gut, I trust what I see, I trust what I do. Screw what he says, he lies and he only considers himself. I know what I experience and what I see and hear, and now i know what I WANT!

I know all the NPD game playing made me feel like I was loosing my mind and going crazy. It's is a big red flag to me if i ever have to say to another person, "I am going to document what you say in writing so we both know."

I haven't dated yet, so I'm sure the trusting others will come up. But, I am one step ahead because I trust myself.



Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you, sometime after getting your NPDSTBX out of your life (as much as possible), realized that you are pretty significantly f**ked up.

Yes.

And everyone is right. You have to get better at the NC. There is NOTHING that says you have to talk to him, or for that matter be nice to him. You don't need to listen to him tell you that you are a bad mom or a bad dog owner!!

Landabear is right. NO response is best. Most NPD's enjoy a good argument, so don't give him one. If you MUST speak with him on the phone (which I second is NOT a good idea, communicate via email) only talk about the topic at hand. If he goes off about you are this or that, simply hang up. Let him rant on and on to a dead phone. You can wonder how long he rattled before realizing there wasn't anyone there.

You don't owe him anything. He is NOTHING but a big mouthed bully.

Walk away.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBX just texted me the following..."are you ok? You have been awfully silent the past couple of days."

Is this typical NPD behavior - trying to pull back in supply once we have started to detach? I am guessing it is. It just is so annoying - he has a girlfriend, why is he bothering me?


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
sick_of_the_lies
♀ Member
Member # 26961
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you, sometime after getting your NPDSTBX out of your life (as much as possible), realized that you are pretty significantly f**ked up

Yes and no. I thought I would be, honestly, but the more space I got, and the clearer things became, the less I felt messed up, and the more I could see what had really been going on. Yes, I felt crazy, and on the rare occassions when I get sucked into an argument, I still feel sort of crazy. To that extent, NC should certainly help.

I worry on the opposite end of the spectrum, actually. Does anyone else worry that their ability to see actual issues they might have in relationships has been sort of corrupted by the way your NPD partner exploited those issues? I would hate to come out of this mess having learned nothing other than NPD = bad.

As for the dating thing, I'm not there yet. I hope I will be slightly more cautious in the future, honestly, but I don't know what the long-term fallout will be. I would like to believe that, having had good, healthy relationships with sane people in the past, I will be able to do so again, and will be better able to recognize when something seems off, but I am not sure I will be able to.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009
sick_of_the_lies
♀ Member
Member # 26961
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to post back to back, but the whole dating thing has me wondering. Did anyone have initial concerns about their NPD partner or the relationship?

Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mommyblone: From the little I know, WH ALWAYS did that...pull and then push away.

I came here to ask a question too, and reading landabear and sadtoo's posts have really helped.

I wish I could go NC with WH, but we aren't fully separated yet. Anyway, he said something really stupid on the phone to me. I've been really good at not "engaging" with him as IC suggested, and it works. But today, I couldn't help making a sarcastic/joking remark to him,(even laughed) and he was angry and said he was getting off.

First I was angry, then I felt guilty about making the remark. Then I started getting upset because I started automatically fearing what his retaliation would be. The cold shoulder, the silent treatment, etc etc.

From reading this thread, I am realizing that this is what a NPD does. I know in the past that I would be the one to apologize for the remark, even though it was in response to something even worse.

But I still feel anxious and afraid. This is not a way to live!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this typical NPD behavior - trying to pull back in supply once we have started to detach? I am guessing it is. It just is so annoying - he has a girlfriend, why is he bothering me?

I think it is. Whenever I have acted distant he ups his "worry", if I tried to engage him suddenly I was "controlling".

I know in the past that I would be the one to apologize for the remark, even though it was in response to something even worse.

Ah yes, this is something I think often about. I have NEVER been allowed to win an argument, no matter what it is about. He would do whatever it took, belittling, ignoring, arguing, etc until I always gave in. I tried to make myself feel better during those years by saying to myself "you can't always win, let it go over the little things" but shit, when its always over the little things and he always wins it does a number to you!


Did anyone have initial concerns about their NPD partner or the relationship?

I am very scared of stalking, sabotaging, etc by stbxNPD. I put nothing past him. This is why, when it happens, it will be hidden at all costs. The kids will not know, no one who knows him will know.
I went on a few "dates" with a friend and at one point he wanted to go to a bar that one of stbx's friends bartends at. I FREAKED. I can bet a million dollars that most of stbx's friends will not know we are divorced until I tell them, even if its years later, I am not kidding. He hasn't told any of them what is going on.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys,
You need to realize that the NPD is a PRO at baiting. Being kind and call like mommyblonde's and asking, "Are you okay" sounding so sweet is only one weapon in the bag. And they always seem to do it during a very weak moment. The problem is you WANT them to be kind and nice and sweet, but it never lasts.

Another one they use is to threaten you. They may come right out and tell you the threat or more likely will "hint" at how dangerous they can be.

They can also use rage and retaliation to bait you.

Another thing they use is LIES. They do all of this to keep you on the hook, keep you upset, keep you coming back, keep you engaged, keep you in the crazy mess with them.

The only way to end the crazy cycle with these nuts is to go NC. The NC will bring you clarity and allow you to heal from the damage these monsters inflict. The reason they are hanging on so tight is because they KNOW that once you let go, you will see them for what they are. They have to maintain control or they lose their very identity.

My XNPDH was as crazy and violent as they get, short of murdering me. I had to go complete NC and treat ANY attempted contact by him as if Charles Manson himself were trying to contact me. That is literally how I got through it. If he called on the phone or I caught him outside hiding in my bushes or driving by my house, or whatever, at first I might have knee jerked to anger. But then I stopped and asked myself. What would I do if this were Charles Manson? (scariest person I could think of) Would I go yell at him? No. Would I go try and reason with him? No. Would I call his mother and tell her to do something about her son? No.

<<< DING!! DING!! >>

I WOULD CALL THE POLICE!!

I started to do that every time and pretty soon it became normal for me to do that.

Now, my situation was extreme, but you get the idea.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 11:48 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want some entertainment? here are his texts from today:

Please please please help me put us back together. I miss you all so much. want to build a strong fam and set good example for kiddos. want to be a good dad.


Some sort of response would be nice


Please put a stop to this. We were so much to each other for so long. I know how badly I f'edup, I'm soooo lonely. and sorry


please don't take my life away


Please let me see you guys


Why won't you talk to me


Miss you, wish you were here


Those are from today, I have been getting ones similar, worse, better, etc since I filed. Not a word before that for the past 18 months. Does he think I am stupid. He wants his fairy tale back, not a M.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My standard response would be to remain NC....

But I would be really tempted to put the IC's business card in the mail and send it to him.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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