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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
Jade09
♀ Member
Member # 23069
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iíve been fallowing the discussion here and I keep nodding my head in approval at your posts. Long story short, Iím separated from my H, a narcissist, after 26 years of M and three D-days with three different OW. After our separation Iíve discovered that he had more As during our M than the three that I knew of. My H travels a lot in business and all his As but one ( during our second D-day) , took place out of state , in different states where he was during those business related trips.

After the second D-day, counseling revealed he is a narcissist and our MC recommended him to another therapist more experienced in dealing with NPD, that according to our MC. In my Hí case therapy was frankly a waste of money. A few years later he did it again and to be entirely honest, when the third D-day come, it wasnít a big surprise to me.

After the third D-day I wanted a D , he started threatening with an ugly court battle over everything and finally I had to settle for a separation. It took 9 months of negotiations over the separation agreement before he agreed to signed it, so my lawyer could submitted for the court approval. I may add that there were 9 months of hell with me been on the receiving end of the narcissist wrath. It was like dealing with a person with multiple personalities for not a better description. One day he was playing the remorseful H trying to convince me that he deserved another change and when he would not get what he wanted he would start of course raving and ranting and yelling and one of those bizarre scenes, that most likely all of you here experienced, would fallow when they project and they would throw at you wild accusations.

At the end of the 9 months I was exhausted. In your dealings with them you need to be always one step ahead of them, always to anticipate their next move, always to try to guess what they are thinking, how would they react to whatever you are doing or saying . And you cannot expect to feel comfortable while dealing with them because if you want to bet the narcissist you need to learn how to manipulate the expert manipulator and deceiver.

Anyway,just sharing a little from my story.

Jade


Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: USA
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our thread, Jade. It's definately sounds as if you've been through the NPD ringer. I've always said that an NPD will fight to near death over something he has no rights to and spend thousands of dollars to win ten cents.

Thanks for sharing.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Keepmyheadup
♂ Member
Member # 23157
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm home from my root canal....no e-mail from the wife asking me how I'm doing...hmmmm. LOL


This sucks...starting to get sore....but..it's much better than what I've been going through for the last 3 days.
:-)


Me (BS)-39
Her (WS)-40
OM (her boss)- 50 something
D-Day Nov 26, 2005

Posts: 156 | Registered: Mar 2009
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Load up on the Tylenol and go to bed. If you don't, your head will start throbbing.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with sadtoo. Take your biggest, baddest pain medicine ON TIME for the first 24 hours, if you can afford to. If you can afford to take the Lortab, take it. If not, take it for as long as you can, then switch to a comparable dosage of either Tylenol or Advil.

It was like dealing with a person with multiple personalities for not a better description. One day he was playing the remorseful H trying to convince me that he deserved another change and when he would not get what he wanted he would start of course raving and ranting and yelling and one of those bizarre scenes, that most likely all of you here experienced, would fallow when they project and they would throw at you wild accusations.

So true. I posted some of the ugliest things I ever heard in another thread, and on those same days, I heard things like:

"I am just in so much pain, and I don't know how to deal with that much pain without wanting to pass it along."

"We've been through so much together, it would be a shame to throw those years away."

"I feel like we're connected, like it's destiny that we will always be in each other's lives."

"You'll cheat before I will."

"One day you'll open your eyes and see that I am still here, and all the wasted years of distrust."

All within 24 hours of the ugliness that he would spew.

[This message edited by veritas at 4:21 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Chipmunkie
♀ Member
Member # 21653
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I did it. I still can't believe I found the courage. The shit is really going to hit the fan now.

When he gets notice of the latest motions filed, he's going to know my address. I have 10 days to get hidden again... Crap.

So, here goes me again.
Running and hiding and hoping for an end.
I'm not too proud to admit that I'm afraid. Yes, I am. I'm very afraid. The joys of dealing with the mentally unbalanced just never ends, does it?

However, the hope of a final decree is driving me. If/when the judge finally signs it I will disappear for good.

Fingers crossed.. maybe this will be the one.

yeah.. I need a drink. A BIG one.



Me: BW
Him: Irrelevant Bastard

About ~C.? I hear she even keeps a bottle in her desk at work. Not in an alcoholic way but in a kick ass Humphrey Bogart kinda way.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Nov 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chippy,
Good for you! As bad as you want that drink....don't do it. You need to remain SHARP. Make a quick trip to your local police precinct (take a box of doughnuts) and give the street cops a heads up to what is going on. Ask them to keep an eye on your place for the next few days. It will make you feel better PLUS it will give them advance notice to your situation if you need them.

You're going to be FINE!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we had a you-go! smiley i'd post it chip. im afraid to tell you how afraid ive been, i NEVER wanted to trigger the thread lol.
but you GO!
DANG it's so good to hear that!
kt
thanks for the book, i will be reading it.
one out here, just so you know-
one does pray

Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Chipmunkie
♀ Member
Member # 21653
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks.
If it were just me I'd stay put. The needs of my children dictate that we must run again. Three years, running is a science now.
Hey, jjct.. the afraid thing? Thanks for that. It's hard to explain the fear sometimes, yes?
It's nice to know that someone understands.

I have 10 days then we'll be hidden. Time has taught me well. It's all pre-arranged.
The kids are good, we had a long talk and they encouraged me to do this. I think they are just as tired of it as I am.

It's difficult. I want to protect them from all of this as much as possible But, I can't protect them without exposing them. It's a fine line.

I'm very blessed to have supportive and understanding children. (22 and 14)
The 22 year old has made his peace with the psychosis of his Dad. He has the scars but is such a blessing.

The 14 y.o. still has issues. She struggles with the fear. (She's the one he tried to kidnap last year.) I worry for her. Counseling is helping but the nightmares continue.
Bleh.. it's done. Sink or swim.


I choose swim.


Me: BW
Him: Irrelevant Bastard

About ~C.? I hear she even keeps a bottle in her desk at work. Not in an alcoholic way but in a kick ass Humphrey Bogart kinda way.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Nov 2008
Jade09
♀ Member
Member # 23069
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our thread, Jade. It's definately sounds as if you've been through the NPD ringer. I've always said that an NPD will fight to near death over something he has no rights to and spend thousands of dollars to win ten cents.

Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for the welcome sadtoo,
You are right , at least my H would have done it, spending thousands and thousands on lawyers and at the end ruining us both financially. In fact he threatened that by the time he is done with me in court there would be nothing left or that he would ruin the business he has or sell it for nothing or that he would withdraw his financial support for our two youngest children that are in college. He is paying for both children the tuition and fees in full and for their car payments, insurance, all that Iíve included in the separation agreement so the boys would not have to deal with him later. It was very important to me to protect the boys as much I could from having to deal with him in the future over any financial matter. These days he is telling everyone that he was the one who left his W and how generous he was with his family.


Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: USA
Jade09
♀ Member
Member # 23069
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true. I posted some of the ugliest things I ever heard in another thread, and on those same days, I heard things like:
"I am just in so much pain, and I don't know how to deal with that much pain without wanting to pass it along."
"We've been through so much together, it would be a shame to throw those years away."
"I feel like we're connected, like it's destiny that we will always be in each other's lives."
"You'll cheat before I will."
"One day you'll open your eyes and see that I am still here, and all the wasted years of distrust."
All within 24 hours of the ugliness that he would spew.

My H would call and spew his venom and within a couple of hours or even less after, he would call again like everything was normal , like the previous phone conversation never took place. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde type of behavior.

[This message edited by Jade09 at 8:06 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: USA
Keepmyheadup
♂ Member
Member # 23157
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling kind of down today....sometimes I read old e-mails (old...actually from last month) and I see glimpses of the woman I used to love.

Very sad.


Me (BS)-39
Her (WS)-40
OM (her boss)- 50 something
D-Day Nov 26, 2005

Posts: 156 | Registered: Mar 2009
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go Chip! Remember our ultimate goal is freedom from the freaks. You will get there! It is very hard to acheive this freedom - sometimes it is financial, emotional or physical. Sometimes all of them. I have no doubt you will get there!
Jade - sounds like you are one of us! Welcome!
Keep - Keep researching the disorder. The more you know the easier it is to understand. Sort of! But at least you know what you are dealing with. Knowledge is power.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish that I could run and hide. For some reason the judge thinks that he needs to see the kids.

He has phone priveleges. Yet, he has not called them but damn if he doesn't miss a visitation.

He fought me on everything and in the end all we had left to fight over was CS and alimony because I dared to try and include all the overtime he was working.

I even was willing to give up alimony, if only he would pay a little more and I do mean a little. He has worked almost 30 hrs of overtime and I was only figuring in 8 hrs.

So we go to trial. I get the CS, which was based on his overtime that he didn't think that the judge would include.

I also got the alimony that he didn't think the judge would give me and that he said he would never pay.

Everything is being garnished because he has a history of not paying support.

So the CS and the alimony will be paid. Even the freaking daycare expense is being garnished.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
Keepmyheadup
♂ Member
Member # 23157
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edit!

[This message edited by Keepmyheadup at 6:08 PM, March 27th (Friday)]


Me (BS)-39
Her (WS)-40
OM (her boss)- 50 something
D-Day Nov 26, 2005

Posts: 156 | Registered: Mar 2009
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's hard to break old habits, but you need to quit obsessing about your wife and trying to second guess her. She does not need an answer today, but it isn't a stretch for her to wonder about Easter. And Easter is 2 weeks 2 days away according to my calendar. As a mother, yes, I am getting concerned about Easter clothes. Especially since I have an adorable child and 2 handsome sons It's the second last full shopping weekend before Easter.

peridot: what a nightmare! At least the money will be there, so that's one thing out of the way (((peridot)))

chipmunkie: good for you! please keep us posted and be safe!

[This message edited by veritas at 9:42 AM, March 27th (Friday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peridot,
He fought me on everything and in the end all we had left to fight over was CS and alimony because I dared to try and include all the overtime he was working..

So typical. I don't think he fought for everything because you dared to include all the overtime. He fought becuase it's part of the disorder.

I swear, if they would just SHUT-UP and not act like they do during a divorce they would come out of divorces in better shape. I think sometimes the judge sees this behavior and rules more harshly against them. I know during my divorce XNPDH paraded OW into each and every hearing while I sobbed. He would make his DEMANDS about what he INSISTED was his and refused to stop until he was awarded everything and I was thrown out into the street. It all backfired in his face too. He got NOTHING he asked for and the judge gave me everything I asked for and MORE.

If the NPD gets a chance to talk in court, LET HIM/her. Chances are they will show their true selves to the judge.

KMHU,
Veritas is right. You're obsessing. Stop reading her old emails. Delete them or put them into a folder and don't go in there.

This email is not urgent. Why do you feel the need to answer this?

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:30 PM, March 27th (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Keepmyheadup
♂ Member
Member # 23157
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KMHU,
Veritas is right. You're obsessing. Stop reading her old emails. Delete them or put them into a folder and don't go in there.

This email is not urgent. Why do you feel the need to answer this?

I've spent 15 years making sure I never "Pissed off" my wife...because she is one of the most vindictive bitches ever. Now...I need to learn how to not give a shit anymore.
:-)

[This message edited by Keepmyheadup at 6:09 PM, March 27th (Friday)]


Me (BS)-39
Her (WS)-40
OM (her boss)- 50 something
D-Day Nov 26, 2005

Posts: 156 | Registered: Mar 2009
betterdaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sooooooo tired today. I've had such a stressful week. 17 year old son was caught stealing money from work. Had to do some negotiating with his boss and we paid back the money (fifteen hundred dollars) in order to avoid criminal charges.

Then I found things written on a FB group about my stbxh...from previous students...they would have been girls in grade 8-11 at the time...calling him a pervert...more than one accusation...

Major car troubles but finally got that cleared up...all on warranty.

Went to lawyer. My stbxh is on his 3rd lawyer and we are giving this new lawyer one more week to get up to speed on his case then we are contacting once to see what their response is to last offer to settle. If nothing...we are putting forth a motion...

I need to have this settled...almost 3 years at this...thirty three thousand dollars....I need resolution.

Now I have to move because I need to get out of this town and I want to know if I am going to have the resources to buy a house or do I have to rent? But I can't do anything until he settles. He's being absolutely ridiculous.

My lawyer has never dealt with anyone like him before...great!!

It's hard...being a single mom to a kid who has problems...I blame myself...I have no intention of involving stbxh...he makes things worse.

His idea of visitation was fighting with his son and dumping him off on the doorstep crying.

Fuck him....sorry for the language.

I'm venting I guess.

I also have this "feeling"...I don't know why that stbxh is up to something...like anyday I'll hear he's off on sick leave or he has quit his job. He's got OW to support him. That way he won't have to pay sp or child support.

I don't know anything...it's just a feeling...but you know what I mean.


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

betterdaysahead,
I also have this "feeling"...
I'd pay attention to your "feeling." I've found that when it comes to XNPDH, me gut is always right.

I completely emphathize with your situation. My divorce went on for years too with X refusing to settle. I think in the end my total was near the $40K mark. It was totally insane.

Try to stay positive and keep moving forward. Don't look back. Keep focused on the end result. It will be over. Believe it or not, by the time it is over you will think that it was worth every DIME you spent getting rid of him....even if he doesn't pay any support.

But also remember, the courts have a long arm and having your shit garnished would really suck. He'll pay.

Hang in there!! (((Big Hugs)))


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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