Just ignore or say something very pointed like "Yes, dear, when you have biological children of your own, then and only then are will your advise be solicited"
If I were you, I would just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Then let it drop. I would distance myself from this "friend" as much as possible and be very careful about what information you share with her as she may be sharing it back to your XNPDH.
She will learn in time what your XNPD is all about. But you can't warn her, tell her, or convince her once she's already under the "spell". She'll have to get burned all on her own.
I totally understand your pain and frustration. I went through this many times with many people who I thought were my friends too. It's a no win situation. You just have to cut your losses and move on. Most of these people will figure it out on their own in time, but by the time they do the damage is already done and you won't want them as a friend by then anyway.
This is just another example of how much damage these NPD's can do in someone's life. It's horrible.
I have a rule in my life. I have remained complete NC with my XNPDH. (we have no children together) And I have not remained friends with anyone who also remained friends with him. In the beginning I tried, but he just used that as a way of getting information about me, what I was doing and what was going on in my life. These people were being used, either did or didn't know it, or maybe didn't care, but either way I didn't need it. No friend was worth dealing with that SOB even via second person.
Good luck to you.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:33 AM, July 5th (Monday)]
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
Am I making a big mistake? Or am I allowed to have a nice man in my life?
It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!
I agree that you need to cut your losses with this friend - she witnessed this scene and is coming down on you? Support your kids to be able to stand up to him in a safe way (being in public as they were?) and good for them that they said no to being told to do something dangerous. Now they need to watch you brush aside this old "friend" who is not looking out for you or your family's best interest. Do you have some real life support if he starts to get physical or continues with the behavior you've described? Do you have a plan in place with the kids if he does? Many of us here have been through that and can tell these stories if that's helpful.
I now have almost 10k and I'm purchasing a small mobile home in Florida on Wednesday.
Congratulations! I just told my son the other day that I'll be doing the same in my retirement as the divorce and subsequent litigations took all my savings. Maybe there's a park down there somewhere for SI'ers?
Do you have a plan in place with the kids if he does? Many of us here have been through that and can tell these stories if that's helpful.
Rainagain and others thank you and I would like to hear the stories.
Just take it slow - I don't think there is ever a "right" time for a new relationship.
Beware the wrath of the STBXNPD, though, if he finds out about this guy before your D is final (or even after it is final for that matter). For that reason, I would keep it quiet for awhile if I were you.
The best advice I can give you is to be COMPLETELY honest with your new guy and tell him everything that he might be up against with your nutty STBXNPDH.
When I met my new guy (now husband) I wasn't divorced yet either and there wasn't any end to my divorce in sight. It was an unbelievable nightmare and I didn't want to bring some great guy into this mess and blow the whole thing. I told him that I didn't think it would be a good idea to "date" right now and I even went so far as to say, "I am NOT a good prospect for a girlfriend. Take the worst divorce situation you have ever heard about and times that by 100. That's what you'll get with me."
He was okay with it, so we proceded. So when the windows were being shot out of my house and our tires were being slashed and the patio furniture and grill was being thrown into the pool (over and over again) and he would say, "WTF??" I would say, "I told you!!"
Now he says that when I told him then, he didn't believe me that it was really that bad. And that if he hadn't lived it with me, he still wouldn't believe how bad it was.
It worked out fine and honestly I don't know if I would have come out of my situation as well as I did without him. He is this big burly looking guy who looks intimitating, but is as sweet and calm as can be. While I am flying around 90mph freaking out, he has been the calming one who always brought me back to earth.
Be prepared for barage of emotions you will experience. I thought I was "so in love" with my XNPDH. When I met my new H, it was like a breath of fresh air and slap in the face all at the same time. He was kind, supportive, RESPECTFUL, decent, moral, FAITHFUL, responsible. Basically all of the things my XNPDH was NOT. It was like, geesh. WTF was I thinking?
What would you do?
Find new friends.
NPD's have a knack for pulling unsuspecting people, formally rational people, into their orbit. They then use these people to do their dirty work.
She's a lost cause until she realizes she's doing his dirty work (abusing you verbally and emotionally), so until then - go NC with her.
Also: have your children or your children's therapist document the event in question, where they were forced to do something they felt was dangerous while with their father. You might need that information in the future.
And I have not remained friends with anyone who also remained friends with him.
Exactly - you just have to cut all ties with anyone he is associating with.
If he isn't getting information from them about your life, he's using them to remotely abuse you.
A couple of people who I stopped talking to after the separation asked me what was going on - I just told them my ex got them in the divorce.
I just told them my ex got them in the divorce.
LOVE IT!! Mind if I borrow that line?
LOVE IT!! Mind if I borrow that line?
Go right ahead - I've used many lines from SI in real life before!
But its going to come out soon when I have to explain I would rather not go anywhere he could POSSIBLY see us, and in fact you have to park across the street from my house.....because I fear for our safety if he finds out. So sad.
Once these nuts dig in, it can take years to get rid of them even after the divorce is final.
Also, please consider, I REALLY MISS mowing the lawn with my son and would like the opportunity every once in a while. You have forced this distance between us and it is so unfair.
_____ enjoys that time with his dad. He deserves it. You have robbed us all of so much.
It's all my fault, duh! Such a predictable ass. I do not respond, I'm not an idiot anymore, but I want to smack him.
Going out with new guy again tomorrow
[This message edited by Cogal at 6:37 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]
Mr. Smith, how often do you beat your wife? Is it only once a month?
I haven't answered.
I should have expected this. Didn't. Now I'm so sad she's recruited her own daughter.
Even blood is not safe from their damaging lies and twistings.
I'm happy for your peace cogal friend,
did you know, a crust looks delicious to the starving? It works out i believe in large part because of you - your beauty. Just don't fill in the gaps, the vulnerable gaps you need,
with your excess of it. sadtoo's the best!
Is there any circumstances for those of you here that you would considered taking the NPD back? Don't worry, I'm not there, not even close, but I do think about the what if's.
cogal, I am by no means an expert in these matters, but I know that journaling helped me more than anything. I would write all the details of our arguments--his ridiculous justifications, reactions, etc. If you didn't do this in the past, make a list now of all the ridiculous fights you had, all the negative behaviors you couldn't live with, etc. This helps me a lot because we tend to forget the bad times. I don't want to get to a good place in our situation and remember only the good times for fear of returning to this person who has this hold on me. Hope this makes sense.
Is there any circumstances for those of you here that you would considered taking the NPD back?
Don't worry, I'm not there, not even close, but I do think about the what if's.
Any time you start thinking about the "what ifs", drive around town and throw five-dollar bills out the window while hitting yourself on the head with a hammer. It'll be cheaper and a lot less painful than living with an NPD.
[This message edited by ThatWasFun at 3:07 AM, July 12th (Monday)]
I could go on and on, but I won't. When I explain his behavior to friends or family, I always receive this look of pity with the comment, "you have GOT to get out of that situation.". Please give me some suggestions.
he can't be crazy because he's perfect, so ergo, it must be you.
mine kept telling me I was crazy and needed professional help, so I went for IC. after meeting with her, during the first session she said "you are in an abusive relationship."
I would highly reccomend therapy for you. sometimes it helps to have outside professional validation that you are truly married to a psycho. Incidentally, I also got the looks of disbelief from friends and family, none of whom ever liked him.
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced