Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
ThatWasFun
♂ Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you guys recommend handling STBXWH who is constantly telling you that you are unstable? He is trying to build a case for this because I want a divorce and hs doesn't. There is no doubt that he has some sort of PD, whether it be NPD, SP, or PA. His behavior is freaking insane. The latest: We start R and he quits his fulltime job. I beg him not to. He does anyway. Then he blames me later.
Hmmmm. He quits a full-time job in the middle of the worst recession in 60 years, but you're the unstable one? As my dear NPDXWF used to say: "when you point your finger at someone, you're pointing three at yourself". The best way I know of to handle such people is to not engage with them.

I could go on and on, but I won't. When I explain his behavior to friends or family, I always receive this look of pity with the comment, "you have GOT to get out of that situation.". Please give me some suggestions.
Get out of that situation.


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitly get into IC, there is NO way I would have made it out without my therapist.


Ugghh, things with new guy are going great, it is so refreshing to have someone normal to be with. And I already know he's not like Mr.npd because he hasn't already said "I love you" or wrote me a long letter about how we are meant to be, how did I fall for that?! Oh yeah, I was 20!!!!
Npd is still crying all the god damn time around the kids, I want to hurt him! His texting is just getting rediculous, I swear I get to hear his every thought. He looks horrible, his eyes are always red and bloodshot, I think he may be drinking all the time. And since I will not return his calls/texts he is now calling/texting my mother! He knows she has a heart of gold and is trying to use that bigtime


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
SkeerdButHopeful
♀ Member
Member # 27541
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After three months of trying to R, I filed for divorce yesterday for the second time. Last week was awful. I was thinking HOW can I continue to live in this insanity? (See previous post.). Today I'm on a business trip with my fellow colleagues, and I've received constant texts since 6am telling me how broken-hearted he is over this, and insisting that he and OW were just friends. Now I'm having second thoughts, but I know deep down that he is too crazy to live with. I keep thinking that if he'll fight this hard for our marriage, maybe I should reconsider. Please read my post from July 11 and give me feedback. I'm sitting on a bus with my colleagues crying my eyes out.


Me BS45. XWH44 NPD. M 8 yrs. DD8. Dday 1/26/10. DIVORCED 5/16/11. Harassment charges twice. Judge ordered NCO for 1 yr, as well as parenting & anger mgmt classes. NCO has since expired, so harassment continues disguised as concern for DD.

Posts: 781 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: USA
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any time you start thinking about the "what ifs", drive around town and throw five-dollar bills out the window while hitting yourself on the head with a hammer. It'll be cheaper and a lot less painful than living with an NPD.

SkeerdButHopeful he is freaking out because he knows you are serious. Cut him off and ignore him and focus on your trip.

They usually go from that freaking out to being angry and sometimes abusive so brace yourself because it will likely get bumpy.

Trust me. Down the road when you have had time to heal you will be glad you left and made a new life for you and your little one.

If he was really willing to fight for the marriage he would be out hunting for job and an IC. Actions speak louder than words.

[This message edited by lied2 at 9:08 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
ThatWasFun
♂ Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skeered, do you mean this post?:
I have to be quick b/c we just had a fight, and he will back in a few minutes. He quit his job three months ago, which he blames on me, although I begged him not to. Now he has absolutely no money and wants me to pay his cell phone bill. I said, "Give me your password so I can pay it." He's like, "No, I'll log in." I said what are you trying to hide? He says he doesn't want me scrutinizing the phone bill like I did before and possibly calling the numbers of people who may be listed several times. Blah Blah Blah. I told him that if we couldn't trust each other, then we might as well be finished. Then he told me to go file for divorce tomorrow if I can't go a day without "bitching" about something. There's so much more, but I'll have to fill in later.

Would you pay the bill if you were in my shoes?

That nonsense looks to me like he is trying to secure his hold on you by making you responsible for him. The current behavior isn't "fighting for his marriage". If it were, he'd be texting you passwords and confessions. He'd be out applying for jobs. He's not. What he is doing is panicking because he sees his prisoner breaking out.


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThatWasFun
Any time you start thinking about the "what ifs", drive around town and throw five-dollar bills out the window while hitting yourself on the head with a hammer. It'll be cheaper and a lot less painful than living with an NPD.

So True!!!

SkeerdButHopeful

How do you guys recommend handling STBXWH who is constantly telling you that you are unstable? He is trying to build a case for this because I want a divorce and hs doesn't. There is no doubt that he has some sort of PD, whether it be NPD, SP, or PA. His behavior is freaking insane. The latest: We start R and he quits his fulltime job. I beg him not to. He does anyway. Then he blames me later.

First of all, stay NC with him as much as possible. Also remember that everything he says about YOU is really true about HIM. So when he says that you are unstable, he's really telling you that he is unstable. When he tells you that he's worried you're going to break into his house, get prepared because he's probably going to break into yours. Get it? Go NC, but pay attention to what they say. It's a fine line of insanity you have to walk with these nuts.

The rest of it...well he's never going to do what you tell him to and he's never going to take responsiblity for anything. EVER. I would guess him quitting his job is preparing for "when" you divorce him so he doesn't have to pay support.

whyohwhyohwhy
I totally agree. Anyone who has been vicitmized by one of these nuts MUST seek IC asap if they hope to have any kind of a sane future.

Cogal,
Stay the course and remain NC. He will give it up sooner or later. Hang in there.

SkeerdButHopeful
Don't fall for more lip action. Make him follow it up with REAL action. He knows what to say to make you weak. Don't fall for it. Go NC.

And that horse shit about his cell phone bill....come on....


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I spoke to my attorney today after getting a dozen texts from NPD about how not talking to him is not helping the situation (of course that is a majorly pc, abbreviated version of what he said). She says I can file harrassment charges for all the texts (the numbers are rediculous) but on the other hand also says I should talk with him and try to come to an agreement about property division. How do I do this with an unreasonable man? he has been trying for a few weeks now to get me to come over to talk about stuff and I kept avoiding him. So now when I bring it up he says he tried and now he won't talk

[This message edited by Cogal at 7:04 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal,

Can you present proposals regarding property division to him via e-mail?

That way you will have a written record of what you say and his responses (if any). Any lack of response, or immature NPD responses, will not help him in the D case so I think it is a win-win for you. Either you will be able to come to an agreement or he will be unreasonable and it will be up to the court to decide. But, at least you will have proof that you tried to work it out with him first.

I would not meet with him in person to discuss anything. I am guessing you will be going round and round in circles and just wasting your time.


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
ThatWasFun
♂ Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, July 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but on the other hand also says I should talk with him and try to come to an agreement about property division. How do I do this with an unreasonable man?
In writing. ALWAYS in writing. EVERYTHING in writing. Do not talk to him if you can avoid it. If you can't avoid it, RECORD it. Every. Single. Time.

These nutbags can get astonishingly vicious when they realize that their punching bag/prisoner is really slipping away. About the only things they fear are

-Physical pain
-Jail
-Exposure

The difference between an angry NPD in person and in writing is unbelievable. If everything is in writing or recorded, they know you've got concrete proof that can lead to jail and/or exposure if they act out the way they will in person with no witnesses, and suddenly they become fairly reasonable. But only as long as they are cornered like a rat.

[This message edited by ThatWasFun at 8:52 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, July 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They'll suck every last ounce out of you with drama. They feed on it. They want to talk/they don't want to talk. It's a pattern they use to keep you off balance - with them, to get you to synchronize with their imbalance.
Much easier to manipulate and control when you're confused.

Save your sanity with as little contact as possible, preferably NONE. Email is valuable for recording their rants, but it will come down to the lawyers and judge since NOTHING will be accomplished - via email or any other form of communication, other than to waste more time and suck your soul down more.
Can you draw up a fair an equitable property division and move it along through your L and the courts?
Mediation is useless as well (ANY form of communication).
Can you block his #?

I'll be following you, looking for 5 dollah bills floatin out your window.
LOL @That Was Fun-ny!

They fear losing supply the most. "Abandonment", as they perceive it.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ThatWasFun
♂ Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They fear losing supply the most. "Abandonment", as they perceive it.
Yes! That's it exactly. Picture them as vampires, and you as a captive servant they feed off of. If they see that servant escaping while there's any blood left in them, the vampire panics. They're not through with you until they've sucked every bit of blood out of you, then they'll curse you for running dry, drop you and move on to the next source and never give you another thought.


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
MaleableReality
♀ Member
Member # 22451
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

drama. They feed on it

The new source of drama is his next door neighbor. Now he's got these long winded stories to tell me about how his neighbor is crazy and is doing all these things to get him. It may actually be true. But I see how much apparent joy he takes in telling me every little detail while I stand there with the best blank face I can muster.

And if there isn't any in their lives they'll CREATE it. My favorite quote now is "go sell crazy somewhere else; we're all full up here!" Thanks. But I do not like drama. It gives me a headache and a stomache ache.

What I've noticed lately is that when I know I don't have to be answerable to him for anything, for instance if the kids don't need to be picked up by me, I feel great. When its reversed and I know if I'm one minute late or whatever, my gut is in knots. I think I seriously need to start meditating or something. Stress is NOT good for you.

[This message edited by MaleableReality at 3:55 PM, July 15th (Thursday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2009
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my npd and neighbors, always a bad mix! If they parked in front of house, if their dog barked while he was napping, etc he was always ready to go at it
Another thing I don't miss, thanks for the reminder!

So he supposedly has some job offers in the mix, god save them, I am keeping my thoughts positive that something pans out and we can get the D rolling steadily ahead again:). The thought of owing him maintanence and child support in the tune of $2000/month was not sounding pleasant at all.
So please say positive thoughts he gets a job and KEEPS it until the D is final......
That would be my saving grace for being able to stay civil and get things done!


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal,
Do NOT try and talk to him about property division. You will only go in circles and get nowhere. Like everyone says, do it through email.

This task for me was next to impossible as my XNPDH would not accept anything but everything. He was FAXING me his list of demands. (He didn't have email) Every reasonable settlement I presented, he would just ignore and resend something that that included all of MY things that I had prior to our marriage and everything that we aquired during our marriage. His idea of a settlement was that he got everything and I got nothing. It was insane.

I started to prepare for our "settlement" by putting his things together in the garage. I went through the entire house and gathered his things. I made a list of what they were, numbered each and every item and then PHOTOGRAPHED each item in the condition it was in when it was in my possession. I carefully wrapped and boxed all of it and PHOTGRAPHED that too. Then after I went through the house gathering his things, I went back through again. This time through each room. I made sure that he had something from each room. From the kitchen, I gave him mismatched silverware, two plates, two cups, etc. He got a can opener an old mixer, old measuring cups, spoons even an old microwave....just old stuff that I should have put out to a garage sale. Then he got some towels, some sheets, some pillows, some Christmas decorations, and whatever else I could think of. By the time I was finished he had alot of stuff!! Nothing he was DEMANDING, but enough to get him started with the OW. I admit I wasn't entirely fair about the whole thing but after fighting with the loon for 3 years and getting nowhere I was so sick of it, I didn't care. Plus, he was stalking and harassing me.

One afternoon I had the garage door opened and I was cleaning and doing some other stuff and sure enough he and OW are driving by. So I start hauling his stuff out into the driveway. (I've got a Protection order against him so he can't come on my property) I get it all out there and I shut the garage door and go back into the house. In about 5 minutes my doorbell is ringing and the police are at my door.

Me: Can I help you?
Police: What are you doing?
Me: Cleaning out my garage.
Police: Is that his stuff?
(he's now pulling up to the curb)
Me: I didn't think he wanted it, but he can have it if he wants. Will you please stay here while he loads it up?
Police: No problem
(Now it starts raining)
Dumbass and OW are now in the pouring rain loading up his shit while he is throwing a huge temper tantrum.

The police come back to the door and I give them the sheet of paper with the list of the items he is taking. I ask the police to please have him sign it acknowleging that he took it.

OMG! He threw another HUGE fit and the police had to threaten to arrest him if he didn't sign it or they were going to make him unload it all.

He signed and it held up in court. He didn't get another thing out of this house.

What a CREEP.

He even tried to say that all of the things that he got from me were "intentionally damaged and thrown toghether in garbage bags and the rest of it was all broken." So when I showed my video tape and the photos of his property prior to his "pick-up" he was caught in another lie.

Always prepare for the worst with these nuts.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:19 AM, July 16th (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
MaleableReality
♀ Member
Member # 22451
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was talking to a friend that's been friends with "us" since the beginning of our marriage. He found out AT HIS WEDDING that my stbxNPD and I were splitting up. That was almost two years ago. We finally talked about how things had been the last 7 years or so and he was shocked. Said "he always spoke of you like you were a goddess - glowing things, never a negative word" and I had to think about that for a moment. What rings true when I think of that comment is that yeah, he may have done that. Telling his friends how amazing and wonderful I am. But it was more of a bragging thing...see how great I've got it? I have this pretty, smart, funny, talented wife who can work full-time, raise the kids, keep a gorgeous house, whip up a meatloaf and a bread pudding for unexpected company on a moment's notice, etc, etc, etc. But it wasn't about ME, it was about HIM, his perfect life. When I pointed out that subtle difference the lightbulb clicked on in his head and he was like "oh my god, you're right!"

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2009
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MaleableReality

But it wasn't about ME, it was about HIM, his perfect life.

That's exactly right! It's always ALL about them.

My XNPDH always talked about how "perfect" I was too. It always made me feel very uncomfortable as nobody is perfect. He would go on and on about how I dressed, how I fixed my hair, my nails, my cooking, my career, the way I decorated and kept the house, etc.

But like all NPD's, once that "perfect person" in their life has a tiny slip up, burns dinner, bounces a check, is late to an appointment, etc...the fall from grace is unforgiving.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him to get his list together and we can exchange them by email, he was furious I wouldn't meet with him in person, that I'm so rude to not interupt my life for him.
He starts texting me that things are going to get expensive, ugly, nasty so on and so forth. That he wants to paid for half of everything. My god damn wedding ring included! When I explained that was a gift from him he still stood by he'd get half, he's insane. My parents bought me a really nice watch when I got my doctorate and he thinks hd gets half of that too.
Honestly I don't give a fuck about money, it's the fact I was married to someone who is so self absorbed he thinks he's ENTITLED to this money, which he never spent, it's insane.

These are some of his recent gems:

"And this is not about what I want. What I want is to stay a family. This is about what my family needs."

"And btw, all you had to do to prevent this was remember you were still s wife in addition to being a mother. Hopefully some day you can accept responsibility for your (small) part in this. I Also need a copy of the pork

"Our life was better than you remember and definitely not to be cast aside as easily as you have."

"I have asked you about 16 times for a pizza cutter. You have 2. You need 1. Why are we not communicating? Do u really need to get a lawyer involved In a pizza cutter dispute?"

And when I tell him to leave me alone I get this of course
"Please read this. Btw, I want you to know how truly truly truly sorry I am for what I did. I can't imagine the way you felt when i told you, the way you felt for a year. To do something so horrible to such a beautiful person, someone who I built a family with, someone I swore vows to, is unimaginable, unforgivable, and I'll live with the guilt for the rest of my life. My own sort of private hell, I'll always wish for the chance to atone and know I'll never get it. I love you and the kids and I apologize for what I've done to you all."

He's crazy and I've now asked several times for him to stop texting and he won't, so now I'll have my lawyer handle it.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, July 18th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal,
I'm sitting here Lol. Are you married to my XNPDH?? I swear they are all cut from the same cloth. Mine wanted my engagement ring back (probably to give to OW) He wanted MY furniture that I had bought years before I'd even met him. He wanted me to keep his crappy junk. He also demanded horses that I'd had since I was in high school.

Get ready for the crazy train. If they don't get their way, they start threatening.

Let your lawyer handle him maybe look into getting the restraining order to stop him from all the texting.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 4:29 PM, July 18th (Sunday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 18th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Might be good for us to hear:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HH7WXlf9WLk


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, July 18th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadtoo: You are my hero! I love the story (and lesson) about how you documented everything for court. Good for you!!

My WH always was telling everyone how good I was, what an "angel" I was. He reminds me of this all the time, of course my answer is if that is the case, why would you have done what you did? <sigh>

I think you are right. It's to make them look so good.

My heart and head hurts to think about it.

I haven't started the proceedings yet. He's overseas, and "visits". In a way I want the status quo to stay the same because I am afraid of the insanity that I know will start.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.