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User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honesttoafault,
Thanks.

Oh yes, the insanity is sure to start (or escalate) But the sooner you get it going, the sooner it will be over.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
MaleableReality
♀ Member
Member # 22451
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally!

I finally just deposited the money to start working with the lawyer. Its not the 5k she wants but she says she'll start with what I've got. So, as of next week folks, we're filed. I don't know why it took me this long to understand that I need the court to be telling him what he has to do and not to have it coming from me. Not that he'll like it any more but I'll have a leg to stand on and can just refer to the decree. I do feel some relief - even though I'm sure receiving papers is going to send him right off the deep end. A little scared of that reaction. But I can handle it.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2009
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MR- way too go, I swear that was the hardest step for me, since then I find it easier and easier to go on.


Well, NPD is getting so pissed he is starting to let his craziness overflow to others besides me. After 50 or so texts about a god damn pizza cutter he HAD to have from the house right then, I sent his sister over to get it for him (no way will I let him go in w/o me there!). She could not believe he was that crazy to be demanding a pizza cutter....welcome to my world.
Then I start getting texts that it was the WRONG pizza cutter, omg, I about lost it. I refused to respond. 25 texts, 3 phone calls (which I would not answer) later he starts getting very upset. The idiot sent his lawyer an email demanding the pizza cutter and cc'd me in on it. I think he felt real stupid this morning because he is not being nasty (minus the text that said "if you would just reply to the first text I wouldn't have to send you 10 more").

I still haven't told new guy that stbx is REALLY crazy, I just can't seem to bring it up. He knows he annoys me, is harassing, but I don't want to scare him. Any tips on how to bring this up?


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal,
I gave mine my old (still very nice) electric mixer. He made a HUGE stink about this in our property settlement hearing. When that item came up in my list and on the photo video, his attorney said, "Judge, that's the wrong mixer."

OMG!!! You should have seen the look on the judge's face! He said, "Mike, I've never even seen a guy get a mixer. I've seen enough..shut the tape off. As far as I'm concerned, he's got his property."


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If STBXNPD would just come get the bags of his clothes (and all his other crap) that have been sitting in the closet for months I would be happy to give him ALL of our pizza cutters LOL.

No seriously, why do they leave, set up a completely new residence and then refuse to come get their stuff?


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think they fill your house with crap as a way of asserting control....as in my stuff is here, therefore I control this space.

My basement is filled with crap stbx left here...old audio equipment, tvs, computers, broken fishing rods, electronic stuff (he's an audio engineer/programmer).


I've been throwing it out, but apparently some of it has to go the recycling center. It is so liberating to toss this crap every Tuesday and Friday AM (garbage days).


I met another woman at a divorce support group whose x sounded even crazier than mine (not an easy task). He had filled her house (and detached garage) with heavy machinery....lathes and stuff like that. She had to get an auctioneer to get rid of it.


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whyohwhyohwhy,
That's interesting. That's sort of what mine did too. When we met, I owned a house and he had an apartment. When we got married, he moved into my house. But it was weird, it was like he never really moved in. He just opened the garage and threw his stuff in. He hung his clothes in the closet, but everything else ended up on the garage floor. I had suggested many times that we go through everything and decide what we liked between our two sets of everything and garage sale the rest. He didn't want to sell any of his things, but wanted to keep my stuff in the house. We eventually moved a desk that belonged to him into one of the spare bedrooms for him to set up an office. He also moved his sofa, a file cabinet and an end table with a lamp. But other than put the stuff in the room along with some boxes, that's about as far as it ever got. He never put any of it away and never really unpacked the room. He never went through any of the stuff in the garage. It just continued to lay there in a pile. It drove me crazy! Eventually I shoved it all over to one side so I could get my car inside.

Then when we got a divorce, he wanted all the shit that was in the house. MY stuff that was already here when he got here.

He acted like he'd never seen the stuff I returned to him that had been in the garage the whole time we'd been married.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:16 PM, July 20th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
ThatWasFun
♂ Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, July 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dear NPD ex and I bought a house, each paying half of the down payment and half of the mortgage payment. She was really, genuinely shocked when her attorney told her that, contrary to what she believed, it was half my house, and I was entitled to half of the proceeds of the sale. We sold at the height of the real estate bubble, and made a nice profit on it. I've been told that she's still furious about that, five years later.


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, July 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TWF,
Isn't that just crazy? She probably thought SHE should be able to stay in the house and YOU should just keep paying for it.

Mine thought that HE should have gotten MY house that I owned prior to the marriage and everything that was in it.

The sense of entitlement of these NPD's is truly astonishing.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mine would just dump stuff everywhere, and had virtually no respect for anyone else's stuff. he would leave snotty tissues all over the place, and trails of cereal and metamucil all over the counter. (he really was full of shit!)

one time, my sister was fixing the sink when she was visiting. we had just arranged all of the sockets in the toolbox by size and metric vs. nonmetric. (he had just thrown them all in, so it was a pain to find the one we needed.).

he walked by and threw them all back in the toolbox, and just walked on. my sister was dumbfounded.

for our 10th anniversary, he bought me furniture. it is literally the ugliest stuff I have ever seen. it looks like it was stolen from a rest home in the 60s. red and brown plaid upholstery, and heavy as hell. I can't wait to get rid of it.

and another gem....both of my kids look exactly like him, but are good looking. you'd never know they were mine, and people often ask me if they were adopted. he would always say "even if you get rid of me, you'll still have to look at my face everyday."


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine too. He was a complete SLOB! But he was quick to point out what I was doing wrong and how I wasn't "organized enough"

I remember one time my sister her baby daughter and my mom were over. We were in the backyard in the pool. My sister had put her daughter down in the playpen (in the shade) for a nap. Here comes Dumbass in his Paul Bunyon costume armed with a chain saw. He starts cutting down the tree where the BABY IS SLEEPING!!

We're all like

I walk over there and say, "WTF are you doing? Do you NOT see this baby who was sleeping and now screaming her head off RIGHT HERE under this tree????"

He stomps off like a three year old throwing his arms around and throwning his stuff around. We couldn't believe it.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:31 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
ThatWasFun
♂ Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadtoo,
Isn't that just crazy? She probably thought SHE should be able to stay in the house and YOU should just keep paying for it.
That is exactly what she thought! After her own lawyer straightened her out about that, she sent me an email telling me that she thought it was only right that I give her my part of the money because.....(drum roll).....I now had a credit rating, and didn't before we bought the house! (Ta-Da!)

It gets even better: I now know that when she divorced her second husband, she told him that she should keep the house he bought because....he had a good credit rating and she didn't!

I found this out because her second husband is now one of my closest friends, which is a funny but very long story in itself. I understand that this odd turn of events made her go absolutely batshit when she heard about it.

[This message edited by ThatWasFun at 10:13 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, July 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post here that much cuz I'm usually in Div/Sep. thread but I read here A LOT. My WH has soooo many of these issues---all untreated.

My question is do some of you cope by getting support from Al-Anon or other support groups? What about the National Mental Health organization--NAMI?
I think it's called...

This stuff is so hard to handle ALONE...
Thanks...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
hopefulmom
♀ Member
Member # 23556
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine thought he was entitled to 60% of the value of our house since he couldn't work to support himself?

Oh, and I was a terrible housecleaner too. Keep in mind I was working full time and keeping up with 3 kids while he was home, drinking and seeing OW. How about him cleaning a bit??


me-44
WH-45
married 22 years
Dday 10/08
Divorced!

Posts: 257 | Registered: Apr 2009
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, July 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to scribblingmum....

I never went to alanon or anything like that, although I did do IC for a while, which helped tremendously.

the problem with npds is that no one believes that are capable of the shit they pull. and it is unbelievable, that's why it took us all so long to get away from them. even we couldn't believe what they were doing while they were doing it. they can be very charming/accomodating etc.


the only people who are exposed to the craziness are the ones who live with them. I have stopped telling anyone about his exploits (aside from my family and close friends) because they would look at me in utter disbelief, like I was the crazy one.

the only people who know how to handle npds are other people who have suffered through it, and highly skilled mental health professionals. this isn't something your average counselor comes across very often.

there is a book you should get called "stalking the soul", written by a french psychiatrist about npds.


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
fallenangel02
♀ Member
Member # 15044
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

self analyzation

My FIL passed away recently. NPD WS is with his family and will be there for while...
he calls and talks to me for hours...saying how much he loves me(which is so rare) and i have been so great to him..even though he has been a total jerk to me...
and how he hurts everyone around him...hes been in deep depression.doesnt know how to get out of it...and all that..i was just listening...he is saying he wants to change he doesnt like the person that he has become ( i told him he has always been like this...) he said ..please just talk to me always...like u r right now..i told him no..i cant do this in person...i need my sanity..i dont want to be anything like him..he is soo negatve about everything...challenges everything I say..so i just said I cant...i am very lonely i have no one to talk to..but i can not talk to u...right now u r being really nice ..and if u become nasty i have option to hang up...so i am good...plus with his dad passing away...i talked for very long time...but told him truth...if i had 2nd chance..iw ill not marry him..he was shocked...quiet..i told him it was soo obivious...i am not happy with him...i am alone in this marraige...and i asked him same thing he said i will marry you anytime...anywhere...i want you always in my life..i was like hmmm....hmm...
anyhow...i also told him this will only last couple months...after that he will be back to his normal self again..so i am not expecting change...
he has been very emotional...saying lots of things..sharing lots of things with me...about his family...he never used to...
i just listen...and be supportive...

any ideas on this...i am listening to him..and i am thinking should i make him see everything was his fault...or shud i make him feel better...to not dwell on things...and be a better person..


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
ThatWasFun
♂ Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

any ideas on this...i am listening to him..and i am thinking should i make him see everything was his fault...or shud i make him feel better...to not dwell on things...and be a better person..
One of the most dangerous aspects of NPD's is that they do, in fact, have real emotions. In fact, they are in almost constant pain and turmoil. They have two diametrically opposed self-images: The Super-Amazing-Better-than-everyone-else-who-is-Way-Above-The-Rules-The-Little-People-Must-Follow image, which is very, very real, coexisting with the equally real Low-Down-Piece-Of-Garbage-Who-Nobody-Could-Ever-Love image. They have a death grip on both of these images, and the conflict literally tears them apart. However, they cannot change, because that would mean letting go of both delusions and accepting the fact that they're just ordinary Joes and Janes, not the special snowflake they thing they are. And that is the scariest thing in the world for them. They would literally rather die.

Add to that the fact that their default emotional setting is seething with anger and waiting for an excuse to explode on somebody for something, and you have an extremely volatile nutcase, suffering from an untreatable mental illness that gets progressively worse over time.

The big mindfuck for those close to them is that they are capable of doing what your WH is doing: Showing you some of their inner turmoil and pain. It's real pain, and of course you want to help. You can't. Nobody can. Even though he's showing you this, and even though it's not an act, it's still a desperate tactic to keep from losing his "supply". It's not a cry for help, but it sure looks like one, doesn't it? If he is truly an NPD, he cannot change. What you've experienced with him is what you'll always experience with him, and it will keep getting worse.

You're very young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Live it with someone healthy instead of a black hole of neediness that can never be filled, even after he has literally sucked the soul out you and you have nothing left to give. These people are like cups with no bottom: They cannot be filled. Ever. Nothing is enough.

[This message edited by ThatWasFun at 9:39 AM, July 23rd (Friday)]


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to Alanon and it really helped. XH is an alcoholic and alcoholics have similar behaviors to NPD. I like the daily readers they have like "Courage to Change".

Alanon is all about us and our recovery. I thought it was great.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThatWasFun-excellent post! So clear. But because it's so dam sad doesn't mean it is any less the truth.
Have you guys read detach yet?
Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him/Her!
(((Tribe)))

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, July 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThatWasFun,
I totally agree. That was an excellent post!!

fallenangel02
I totally agree with everything ThatWasFun said.

The big mindfuck for those close to them is that they are capable of doing what your WH is doing: Showing you some of their inner turmoil and pain. It's real pain, and of course you want to help. You can't. Nobody can. Even though he's showing you this, and even though it's not an act, it's still a desperate tactic to keep from losing his "supply". It's not a cry for help, but it sure looks like one, doesn't it? If he is truly an NPD, he cannot change. What you've experienced with him is what you'll always experience with him, and it will keep getting worse.

This is so true. When they show you their "real pain" we as "normal" human beings naturally want to help and naturally want to reach out. Because we love this person, we also desperately want to believe them. But there lies the danger. Because see, they are NOT normal. A normal people would appreciate your kindness and understanding nature and work WITH you to help RESOLVE the issues. The relationship would either evolve or continue into a more mature relationship that involves GIVE and TAKE from both parties. But with the NPD, it's only taking.

When you're showing your kindness, understanding and concern, he's thinking, "Good, I've still got her on the hook, she still believes me, I've still got her where I want her...etc." He's not thinking how lucky he is or how fortunate he is to have you in his life, or what he's going to do to SHOW you how much he appreciates you, or think about what he's going to do next time you need him, or how hard he's going to work to repair any damage he might have caused. He's only thinking about that he's once more taked his way out of something and how easy it was. One more pat on the back for himself.

The next time you need him, he won't be there. And you will be back where you were with your head and your heart spinning. Only this time, it will be more harsh, more shocking and more painful. And this cycle will continue throughout your relationship. It will never be normal and it will never be without turmoil unless you make your life with him ALL about him and never about you.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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