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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
fallenangel02
♀ Member
Member # 15044
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes ...facts are there...its the same cycle...when something changes a little bit (FIL's death)i thought maybe he will change...since he regrets not going to see him when he has been sick for past 4 months...and hardly calling to talk to him..and always fighting with him...
so i thought.
he is with his whole family...and keeps on calling me...day n night...talks for hours...saying how much he loves me???????????? misses me??????
its extremely ODD !!!!arghhh...says how he wants to change...needs help..i dont help him...he did ask for help...i just ignored...i dont want to help him..i dont want to talk to him...i listen..but dont get too involved...
today he just kept on going on and on...how he will always come back to me..i am the ONLY one for him...and he says in your heart you know it as well?
ah ....excuse me...no...i dont know it...i dont believe it...i dont have such high expectations from him.
then he was like oh other men beat thier wives...they taunt their families..i dont do that...i am like ya ya ya ...for the millionth time...i listened to all his crap...then i HUNG up..it was so tiring...then he called again n again...saying u want to stay with me..or divorce..???
he goes i will talk it over with ur parents...lets decide..since YOU are not happy with me...
i was like no thank you...i will leave u when i am ready...its my life..my decision..u do whatever...
(i am going back to school..to get a better job)

then he went on mistake i made ...my cooking in first month of marriage..like how long ago was that...can we discuss ur cheating ..?

oh god help us....it was ridiculous...things he was saying...blame shifting...not owning a thing..i was like ok...this was ALLLL just an act....to get my attention...now his true colors are showing....hasnt changed or realized...anything...

for now i am gonna enjoy my time off from him...really...i am enjoying this time by myself...at peace..do whatever..eat whatever..watch whatever..sleep whenever...go whereever...total freedom.>!!!!!!

i guess his family aint putting up with his crap..he aint getting his N supply !!!!


Thatwasfun and Sadtoo ...excellent posts...!!!!! experience always talks ...thanks for the insight !!!!

*hugs*


BS: 26 - me
WH: 31
Dday 1: dec. 27, 2006
dday 2:june 14th 2007

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jun 2007
ThatWasFun
♂ Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, July 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

then he went on mistake i made ...my cooking in first month of marriage..like how long ago was that...can we discuss ur cheating ..?
It will always be like that. Everything you've ever "done to" him is carefully filed away, while everything you've ever done for him is marginalized or forgotten. Likewise, everything he's done to you is marginalized or forgotten, while everything he's done for you is carefully filed.
oh god help us....it was ridiculous...things he was saying...blame shifting...not owning a thing..i was like ok...this was ALLLL just an act....to get my attention...now his true colors are showing....hasnt changed or realized...anything...
He can't change.
for now i am gonna enjoy my time off from him...really...i am enjoying this time by myself...at peace..do whatever..eat whatever..watch whatever..sleep whenever...go whereever...total freedom.>!!!!!!
Awesome! Savor this. And really, truly reflect on it, too. When I finally left my NPD, it felt like I'd just gotten out of prison! I would literally get on my knees and thank God every time I came home to my own new, peaceful, quiet little place. And felt foolish and silly whenever I thought about the fact that I was free at any time to walk out of that prison I'd spent four years in.
i guess his family aint putting up with his crap..he aint getting his N supply !!!!
He's getting it by talking to you on the phone for hours. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

I'd like to expand a little on a point I made in my earlier post about their anger: I've had a lot of injuries in my life, including many broken bones, but the worst pain ever has been abscessed teeth. It's unbelievable, and makes you insane. If you're in that kind of pain, any little thing makes you want to lash out and destroy something. I've come to believe that NPD's pain is like that to them, and that explains why they're so furious so easily about so little.

It also explains a lot about their seemingly irrational behavior: They're on a quest to find something that will ease the pain. In my XF's case, it was the limerance of a new relationship. As soon as the limerance wore off, she was miserable and angry again. And needing another shot of pain killer, so she was off to find another new relationship. I think that ultimately, that's how they assess others: "Pain killer, good, keep" or "Not a pain killer, useless, punish and discard". Unfortunately, every "pain killer" eventually loses effectiveness, and they must find another one.


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, July 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....And don't think that this separation will not be twisted around and used against you. He will not see that the separation was because he had cheated, was abusive, selfish and treated YOU in a horrible way. Oh no. He will only see things as YOU wronged him. YOU wouldn't help him, you were abusive to him by demanding the separation. You will also likely be held responsible for the problems between him and his father. YOU should have done more and if he hadn't been so upset about the separation, he would have patched things up with dear old dad.

None of this is true, of course. But this is how they think. Nothing is ever their fault and they never accept any responsibility for any of the problems in their life.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
ThatWasFun
♂ Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, July 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Admit it, Sadtoo: You've been spying on my ex!


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, July 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh damn-it! You caught me!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, July 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too found a peaceful, quiet little shady place, even before knowing about what it was I was dealing with. I just knew I had to get away, get private, get safe. It must have been some innate survival force.
I did my best to keep my location secret from her as well, as there's no question she would have stalked, shown up unannounced, or ruined my peace somehow.
She knows where I work, so I still take twisty routes home and watch my back.
A little paranoid? Maybe. Maybe just 'extra careful'. That's one change this has wrought.
Another is; I relish my solitude. Recently was down some. I think I got a little sad, I think some loneliness crept in. It's been about 3 yrs...

On twisting: I recently posted this quote on another thread, and it perfectly describes the type of insanity we've dealt with.

"I have never forgiven you for the way you looked at me the first time I hit you."

"How did I look?" I asked.

"You looked hurt and shocked and angry and disgusted."

"How should I have looked after you hit me?" I asked.

I needed for you to understand how I was feeling at that time. I needed your support, not your anger," she said.

I understood then why she had never apologized for that act of violence or for any of her many other violent assaults.

from: http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page6.htm


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thatwasfun:
I think that ultimately, that's how they assess others: "Pain killer, good, keep" or "Not a pain killer, useless, punish and discard". Unfortunately, every "pain killer" eventually loses effectiveness, and they must find another one.

Yes! Yes!

Fallen: you sound like me and it's hard to read your posts. I am out (as out can be, as we have 3 children) and I can see now what he is. PROTECT yourself, BELIEVE in yourself and your instincts, and do not answer the phone when he calls!! (disclaimer: I have to read texts and emails when my NPDX sends because we have kids and that's how he gets to me now....but try for NC when it's not necessary). He knows the link between us are our 3 teens.

I'm learning how to not fall for his bait. He acted like yours when his father was sick too. His father has managed to survive in a nursing home (I no longer take care of his father now that we are divorced) and his sisters tell me that he wants no part of him now. It is sad no matter how you look at it, but the words you write, I've already heard.

Sometimes I think I am not a good student, I'm not learning. I wonder if I won't be free from him until our youngest is legally free from him (youngest ds is 13).

[This message edited by rainagain at 11:37 PM, July 24th (Saturday)]


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1277 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rainagain you will be free of him again. It just takes time to detach and heal. I know that for me each passing month brings me more healing. My life is so much calmer and I am in a much better place than I ever was but it took time and hard work to get here. It is like we have to relearn everything and once we are away from the craziness for long enough it becomes more like a dream than anything.

I have to admit that when someone starts feeding me crazy I find myself triggering over it very quickly.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, July 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for your responses...and shall check out the book Stalking the Soul...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Lied2 for the words. I guess I need to be patient.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1277 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, July 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, having my lawyer talk to his lawyer about harassment/order of protection at first produced the opposite I thought it would, but I should have expected NPD behavior. He got VERY upset, called me a crazy lying bitch about 10 times when dropping the kids off last week, once again "reminded" me that if I had just been a good wife none of this would have happened, sent crazy texts, etc. But w/in a day of me completely ignoring him he has basically stopped the non-sense harassment.

But I got an email from my lawyer yesterday telling me to sit down before opening....the mf'er is trying to get $600/month child support from me and is not letting me take them for thanksgiving even though I had already purchased air tickets months ago. I go to court tomorrow, so we shall see how all that develops.

I just REALLY need the loser to get a job and find another woman to obsess over......


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal,
I could have gave you that blow-by-blow with my NPD crystal ball.

They are super sweet when turning on the charm and trying to get you back. But once they know you are slipping away and out of their claws, they lose total control and the mask comes off. You are seeing the REAL him.

I KNOW how difficult this is and how frightening they can get. But you are strong and you can get through this. Forge ahead, keep your eye on the prize (FREEDOM) and never, ever, take his bait. Right now, he will likely try all sorts of things to get you back, try to get you into trouble, try to bait you into doing something illegal, etc. Ignore him. Don't take his calls and report every violation of that order.

It is also VERY important to document everything at this point. Get a couple disposable cameras. Keep one in your car, one in your purse, one by your door, by the window, etc. That way if he does violate, you will be able to snap a photo and have evidence.

Start a log or a journal and keep track of telephone calls, texts, emails, drive-bys, etc. You never know what you might need later and you won't be able to rely on your memory.

Do not be afraid to call the police and have him thrown in jail. That is what it took to get mine to leave me alone. (only 5 or 6 times)

Even though things might get really crazy for you, the end result of getting away from him is so worth it. On the other hand, you might get lucky and he'll just slither away.

Wouldn't that be great?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal, you do have a VAR on you-ready to 'flick the switch'- at all times, yes?

Besides the camera (excellent idea!)- it's a great way to DOCUMENT the abusive harassment.

The good thing about dealing with these crazies (right, "good")- is that their default switch is basically "losing control/spewing".

Imagine the judge hearing him call you a bitch (in front of the children?) 10X...


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lawyer reminded me to call the police if he has another outburst, she was very upset I didn't on Wed. I will next time, I guess I just feel bad for the kids if I do.

Our status conference with the judge was pointless today, they called us 5 mins late and NPD's lawyer had already left saying she had another meeting, so we have to reschedule, soooo frustrating. I feel like things will never move along between NPD and his lawyer trying to stall things or just being difficult.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lawyer reminded me to call the police if he has another outburst, she was very upset I didn't on Wed. I will next time, I guess I just feel bad for the kids if I do.

Please do so. I know it's hard and I can't even imagine how much harder it would be with children, but you MUST follow through with the order and call the police each and every time he violates.

If you don't, this could come back to haunt you in your divorce hearings He could present evidence that you didn't call on some occasions and did on others. This will not look favorable to the court. They will see you as not taking the order seriously and you could risk losing it.

Do your best to shield your children from their father's bad behavior. Try to remember that this is a critical time for you to be very diligent and follow through with the order. The sooner you show him consistant consequences for his bad behavior, the sooner he will stop.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Change in topic -- is anyone else dealing with really vivid nightmares about violence from NPX XWS? Over a year after my D, I am still having horrible dreams about him physically attacking me -- and other people I care about. I wake up shaking. The dreams are so real and scary. They stay in my mind long after I'm awake. What does it mean? Am I still afraid of him? Probably - with good reason.


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like it could be PTSD, disco. Have you considered that before?

I've had dreams about NPD but not very often. The last one was one where we were arguing about current issues with the kids, so I'm not dredging up past issues at least. Even so, it's disturbing when he (or OW) invades my precious sleep.

Maybe discuss with your IC?


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

-- is anyone else dealing with really vivid nightmares about violence from NPX XWS?

I had horrible nighmares for YEARS.Vivid, scary, nightmares. It was weird too, because I couldn't fall asleep on my back either. (my all time favorite sleeping position) It seemed like I felt more vulnerable or something. I had to sleep more curled up...I guess I felt more protected or something. I would wake up crying and screaming....it was terrible. When I met my new husband, he would even wake me up and it would take me a while to come out of it. He would tell me that I was shouting and screaming. Then when he would try to wake me up, I would start swinging at him. Totally crazy. There were even times when he would kiss me good-bye while I was still sleeping and my first conscience thought was that I was being smothered.

It took a long time to get over it. I'm sure I was suffering from PSTD as well as depression and other things because of the damage XNPDH caused. Anti-depressants and anti anxieties helped, but the best medicine has been time.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 4:55 PM, July 29th (Thursday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Thanks, Sad and Wounded. I haven't woken up screaming at the top of my lungs ina while, so that's an improvement. Yes, I do need to go back to IC, but I've had long spell of surgery and medical bills, so I've been trying to get the finances under control and "save" money by cutting in all areas.

If I didn't have to see him twice a week at pick up times, it would help. he is so nasty and aggressive in front of my son. Last time I was there at the house he share with one of the OW, he stood in the driveway right in front of my car and gave me his middle finger the entire time my son was getting in the car. It just never ends. The threatening e-mails, the on-going garbage. So sick of it. There's no way to heal up when I have to deal with him every few days.


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Content  Posted: 5:56 AM, July 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to give hugs and support to my MiniTribe here.
(((MMT)))
I hope the insanity y'all have to deal with this week is less than it was last week.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
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