Sounds like it's all progressing well. Yay!!
I'm sorry you have to go through this however you must be relieved to have made a decision that feels like a step in the right direction for you.
Thanks for outlining what a codependent is in terms of SA. I think I can benefit from the support at S Anon because they know what I am going through & I may even go through the steps (done em several times in AA) but maybe due to AA & therapy I am happy to say by your definition I am not codependent.
Blessings to you and your baby.
Topic: help explaining to H how I feel about porn
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:52 PM, April 15th (Wednesday)]
Sticking to my own role, supportive but not monitoring or 'running' his process. He started to explain to me why he couldn't go to two tonight (they have two back to back). The first one is 6-7:30, second is 8-9:30 and it's about a 30 minute drive a away. I understand why he wasn't going to be able to stay for the second (he had a one hour break after work and has a bunch of stuff to do). Howevr, I told him "You know what you need to do for your own healing. You don't need to justify or explain to me. I can tell you're being proactive."
Anyhow, just giving you guys an update. We're both doing okay in this. Honestly, I think that for both of us the 'diagnosis' and 'healing plan' are more of a relief than anything else. We've both got a clear cut path and some good direction. I'm sure there's a roller-coaster to come, but right now, we're okay.
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
My SAH has also gone to his first couple of SAA meetings over the past week. He was so nervous about what kind of "pervs" he would meet there, but was relieved that they are mostly normal looking guys. While he seems willing to continue the 12 step process, I worry that he thinks he is kinda better off than those other guys, because his problem didn't escalate as far as some of theirs. Maybe that does help the recovery process, how far it got before seeking treatment? But I'm nervous that it really means he doesn't totally "get it" just yet.
We don't seem to have a CSAT where we live, but the IC he is seeing is said to be the best in town for SA and is in the process of completing a huge written evaluation for his IC.
I attended my first S-ANON meeting last night, and I was floored. The strength of those women in that room was amazing. I'm in such a fragile state that all their stories had me choked up. When I got home and SAH asked me how it went I just broke down sobbing. It's weird, it was a positive experience, but at the same time so incredibly sad.
Is this the end or did it just begin - Led Zeppelin
They differ in bottom line behaviors. For example, in SAA masturbation is considered ok if the addict doesn't consider that behavior a problem. I wouldn't recommend that one since masturbation is the cornerstone for many sex addicts.
I"m sure more will come and give info!
Here's a link-
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 6:42 AM, April 16th (Thursday)]
Have you ever risked your right to practice as a professional due to your sexual behavior?
I'm sure my partner would say no, but I doubt some employers would approve of some of his prior usage. :(
Looking at some of the other questions, I'm sure I would need to be there if he took a test.
I think this is weird. I don't see him for weeks on end, but when I do he's not that interested in sex with me. We might have sex one time on the day he comes back and that's it. I would think most people would feel esp. desirous if they didn't see their partner much!?!?
Absolutely nothing. Then, when I found all that stuff in July, I was so so angry, no wonder he had no drive with me--he was taking care of it elsewhere.
Then, he said he had given up all the porn and everything, and not doing anything. That is really hard to believe, because everything I know about a healthy male says their sex drive is pretty important, and they have a pretty basic need to release fairly regularly. At least, that is what my other 2 husbands told me!
So, I chalked it up to depression at first, but now, that I know he has this illness, I am sure it has to do with the illness, but still hard to explain. I just didn't see it getting any better without him getting help, and I have needs too! (Reason #57 why I am moving on)
You see that the 2 of you haven't been togehter and are anxious to reconnect in every way, oh and btw, you haven't gotten any since you two were together last.
The addict brain might look at this situation like this. I bet she's expecting sex and intimacy - yikes - well she's not going to control what I do. Oh and by the way, I've been telling myself for ages the reason I compulsively m-bate and act out is because she's not sexually attractive to me - so if I have sex with her I'll blow that lie to myself. She might not hav had any sex since last time we were together, but being apart has let me go on this m-bating/web-cam/porn/(fill in the blank with action out behaviors) frenzy, so I hav no pent-up sexual desire when she shows up, just pressure to perform so I can keep her from running and kep her believing I'm normal. I want to believe I'm normal and it really pisses me off when she wrecks this illusion for me.
Distorted thinking, anoerxia from the spouse, exhaustion from sexually acting out. You two approach your being reunited from ver different perspectives.
I don't know your story, and maybe your H is sober and not acting out. But there can be a lag time between stopping the behavior, and stopping the distorted thought processes that accompanied the behavior for so long.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
Congratulations on the pregnancy! I'm very happy and hopeful for you!
I'm woefully behind here with so much activity on the thread. This is such a great group, and it is sooo helpful to have folks to lean on that have btdt!
I'm going through some sort of plain of lethal flatness lately, and I've got the makings of a post bouncing around in my head, but frankly I'm so exhausted from all this stuff, I don't have the energy/desire to sort it all out coherently right now. Maybe after some more caffiene
Just to continue my rant.....
My husband is English (he immigrated to Canada as an adult), so he still retains the European gentlemanly manners - opening up doors for ladies, holding their coats when they put them on, stepping aside when a lady passes by, etc. To be fair, he does that instinctively, whether the woman is 10 or 70 years' old. Women, young and old, just melt.
And he knows it too. Becuase on his profiles on personal dating sites, he described himself as "English, and has the accent and manners to go with it."
I know, that is all before D Day. But it just irks me. It's terrible that what previously was a positive trait has now become a trigger. And every time a woman tells me I am lucky to have him, I get annoyed. I want to say, you have no idea how many women he had charmed into bed behind my back just like that! But I know it's not his fault that he has manners. And as I said, he is gentlemanly to everybody - even to elderly women, not just the young pretty ones. So how can I complain. I am evil!!!!!
Okay, this ranting helps - I am feeling better.
she shows up, just pressure to perform so I can keep her from running and kep her believing I'm normal. I want to believe I'm normal and it really pisses me off when she wrecks this illusion for me.
That's exactly what it is! I try to tell myself that maybe he's just tired from working, but in my heart I know that's not true. I found some racy videos in his bag (not porn per se, but racy) that I had never seen before. And I think he put some of his porn on a jump drive.
The only reason we had sex the time before last was b/c I told him he couldn't have any. That sure perked him up! i don't even think he was horny, he just wanted to make a point. It was like I was taking something he owned away from him, and he wanted it back.
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 8:37 AM, April 16th (Thursday)]
You're certainly NOT evil!!
All that stuff drives me crazy, too. We're currently in MC and I really like the guy we're seeing. He's something of a local "expert" in SA so that helps.
BUT (and here's where the rant starts), he wants my husband and I to learn to communicate rather than him bottling things up and acting out sexually. So...he gives us a hot-button topic: money.
I've never had an issue with this. We both moved to a new city when we were first married and gave up good jobs so that we could both be essentially self-employed. His vocation pays quite high and he's risen to make a lot of money. My vocation isn't as high-paying and I've been doing it part-time since we have three kids, whom I'm responsible for in the sense of childcare, school stuff, lunches, after-school lessons, etc. etc. We also have three dogs (HIS choice) whom I care for (clean up after, etc.).
Stay with me, here, I do have a point. So...we have our talk and he tells me that it "angers" him that I "work so hard" but don't make a lot of money and that he resents being asked to help out with the kids so that I can go out of town for meetings, etc.
WTF??? I've always brought money into this house. I never even took maternity leave with THREE kids. Had my first on a Friday and was working the following Monday.
I'm still outraged and all this came out two weeks ago. So in my head, I've been going over all the stuff he was doing (sex with strangers, for example) while I was home wiping baby vomit off my shoulder and thinking I was the luckiest woman in the world because he "adored" me, or so everyone said.
He brought his assistant with whom he was having an affair to my house AND I COOKED THEM DINNER SO THAT THEY COULD GET BACK TO WORK!!! I still remember one point when she looked at me strangely and said, "You do realize you're not going to be seeing your husband much for the next few months..." because they were working on a deal. AND HE DID NOTHING. LET ME LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE FOOL. And I supported him because that's what good wives do.
Ahem. I'll try and stop screaming into my computer. But, honestly. As omisery pointed out after attending a meeting, the strength of these women (us!!!!!) is incredible. And the restraint we show in not murdering these men in their sleep makes us freaking saints.
Rant officially over.
Back to work. My poorly paid, unappreciated work that my husband resents...
Not that you need further encouragement, but ARGHHHHHHHH, it's infuriating that your husband brought his assistant home, AND let you cook dinner for them! It's just as bad as my husband when brought his "friend" to our condo when I was out and took a picture of her standing in front of our bookcase, underneath photographs of his own parents, on his cell phone. When I saw the picture on his cell phone last year, I was in such disbelief that I had to rub my eyes and ask myself, is this woman in MY living room? You are kidding me right?
Alright, let me make myself more useful and be more productive . You are not alone in having disagreements about money matters with your husband. I venture to say that the problem is that he does not place any or sufficient value in raising children and looking after the household. He fails to recognize that he is only able to pursue his high-paying career which entails long hours in the office because you stay at home with the chidlren. Also, just as you have been supportive of his career, he also has to be supportive of yours (e.g. when you have to go out of town), whether it be part-time or otherwise. You are not only a wife and mother, but also an independent woman who has her own career.
I am sorry that I have no suggestions, other than to say hashing it out over MC seems to be the best solution.
Good luck and keep us posted. I am thinking of you a lot. I'll PM you sometime. Work has just been crazy and I can only check this site in the morning before work starts and during lunch (and my lunch is over now).
[This message edited by birdwatch at 12:11 PM, April 16th (Thursday)]
Just returned from IC who gave me, as usual, much food for thought (same food she gives me each week, but sometimes it's just what I need...): As she has said, it isn't what my husband says to me that's the problem, it's what I say to myself. In other words, if he can't value my contribution to this family (and he would argue otherwise -- that he values it very much, in spite of what he's saying), my response could simply be, "well, too bad for you," confident in my knowledge that I contribute at least my share. However, it's the fact that his attitude reflects my own that I can never be enough, do enough, care enough, work enough...you get the idea. Even if I know on an intellectual level that I'm a good mom, hard worker, etc, that inner demon that never thinks I measure up is always there.
She also pointed out to me that my issue with "knowing" something on the one hand, but "feeling" differently on the other, is the same struggle my husband has gone through with his SA. He always "knew" it was wrong, dangerous, hurtful, etc. But he "felt" that no-one got hurt, he needed it, made him feel good, and so on. So our ability to "know" and "feel" two contradictory things is a testament to how well we're able to compartmentalize. When we're really good at compartmentalizing, we can handle this contradiction in stride. Those who can't compartmentalize (because they're emotionally healthier) won't be able to live with the contradiction and will alter their behavior to match what they "know" to be true.
[This message edited by Eternaloptimist at 12:47 PM, April 16th (Thursday)]
I know how you feel. I had a very happy childhood with what I thought was a well-adjusted happy family. Just didn't see where the codependency could have come from except that FWH brought his shit into our life.
But the more I think on it, the more I see issues. I am a middle child and never felt I measured up to my older brother, who is literally a rocket scientist, or my younger sister, who was always prettier and more outgoing. So I never felt I was quite good enough. At the time I would have told you this wasn't true, but if I REALLY think about it, it is.
There is no drugs/alcohol/sexual abuse in our family. Not even any divorces! But my father was a workaholic (which I now realize was because of his own intimacy issues). My mom did everything for the house and us three kids. She taught us to cater to my dad. Don't bug him when he gets home from work. Don't wake him up on weekends. Keep the house clean so Dad doesn't get mad. And NOW I see those own behaviors in myself.
A combination of not feeling worthy and the example of my mom catering to my dad at the expense of her own needs, combined with FWH's transgressions, has made me a big ole codependent mess!
No matter how happy your childhood was, I bet if you really analyze it you'll be able to see some dysfunctional aspects.