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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 3
spring2420
♀ New Member
Member # 23676
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick question for everyone, what exactly is a CSAT?

And do most folks go to a counselor/therapist specialized in SA? My husbands IC is just a regular family therapist and hasn't suggested any specific actions - just lots of discussion about the "why" behind his actions. I'm also seeing a family therapist individually.

Thanks again - this forum has been so helpful already!


me: BW 33
him: SAH 35
Married 4.5 years, 1-year-old son
DD#1: 2004, found secret email account, craigslist emails, webcam and chat
DD#2: 2/14/2007 discovered he had slept with a prostitute and had phone sex with women met online
DD#3: 4/7/2008

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2009
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CSAT = Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.

Here is a link to try to locate one near you, and I believe if you can't find one, there are some who will counsel patients over the phone:

http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's experience with a non-CSAT counselor was a waste of time. H saw this guy for 8 months and got nowhere. It really is important to try to get a CSAT first, if you can't then at least someone who specializes in addicitions.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with JustWow. Over the past 12 years, we've seen several counselors -- all highly recommended family therapists. Total waste of time for us. Our problems don't stem from how we communicate or relate to each other. We have issues because of FWH addictive personality traits (coming from an addicted family). The CSAT, even though we just started, seems to be the FIRST therapist that seems to be able to dig through the crap to get to the root of things. Even if he's not SA, he DOES have dysfunctional behaviors stemming from growing up in an addicted family.


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also recommend getting a CSAT. Doing otherwise will most likely be a waste of time if not absolutely detrimental.

Partner and I saw a psychotherapist. She told me to trust him even though he lied to her face and I had to call him out. Then she said he was just being a guy regarding the porn and masturbation. To put the icing on the cake she told me I needed to be more "stimulating" for him-this is after buying lingerie, walking around 1/2 naked, and so forth.

I dont think she was all bad but she was totally clueless in this regard.

So plz, see a CSAT.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 6:12 PM, April 20th (Monday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband's IC isn't an "official" CSAT, but he established one of Canada's few sex addiction treatment programs at an addiction rehab center so he's very well-versed with the addiction. It's critical that an addict get help from someone who understands the addiction. I've heard far too many stories of counsellors who've diminished the spouse's concerns about porn use, or masturbation...or have used the "guys all do it" thing. This is not a case of a wife being a prude!!!!! And that kind of approach can set true recovery back a long way.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I echo everything everone is saying about finding a therapist who specializes in addiction, preferrably, sexual addiction, to treat this problem. The CSAT's are awesome, but they aren't found everywhere... But it's imperative the therapist have experience in the realm of addiction and believe in SA... (Some of them don't think it's real)

We made a HUGE mistake going to a marriage and family therapist who was also a "sex therapist"... I thought it was great... It ended up being awful and setting us back for a few months. She told me that he had "compulsions", but was not necesarily an "addict"... and she told me that masturbating is normal and healthy (maybe for her and me, and most people, but not when it's all you do and all you think about! And it leads you to have affairs and meet up with people online and keep obsessing about porn...etc, etc), and that had I ever considered getting a boob job, since people are turned on by different things. (AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHH! I felt like I was in a twilight zone!)

After the boob job comment, I fired her, and even my H thought she was crazy by then! He knew he was an addict and he was telling her that he couldn't stop no matter how hard he had tried before... She just didn't get it.

Spring- I know that your H is in IC, and I know that you are feeling conflicted about divorce, but I would inform your H about a CSAT, or similar therapist to look for. Not to give him hope of you guys staying together, but to give him some information that really can make a difference in his life. Getting the right type of therapy is imperative with this addiction... I know you also said that he is not sober right now- A CSAT would set him straight about what he needs to do to be in recovery... Until then- he's just spending time talking in someone's office, and still doing the same behaviors after he leaves. He doesn't have the tools to get better yet.

No guarantees that he will do what he needs to do and recover, but for his sake, and the sake of the rest of his life, you should definitely give him the knowledge you are getting from here.

There are lots of resources online about SA- Read through some of the older posts (In spouses of SA's 2 and 1), It's a lot of info and can be overwhelming, but you will learn so much... There are posts about books, and online recovery support groups... You can pass those on to him if you want.

Sending you thoughts and prayers- I know you are having a rough time right now.
Take care.


[This message edited by innerstrength at 10:26 PM, April 20th (Monday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldlh - oh my. YOu must have been absolutely horrified with that therapist!

And innerstrength - that comment about the boob job --I can't really even think of the words I want to use here, except that perhaps your therapist is the one needing therapy!

I am really luck with my IC, as I see on here from time to time some of the amazing clueless things people have been told by their counselors. I still always recommend counseling, because if you have a good one, it can give you some amazing insight on how to deal with certain problems, but the bad ones are downright scary!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just fired my own IC last week. I've been using one from the limited pool offered by insurance because CSATs cost bucks and we really can't afford it for both of us.

Anyway, this IC (and the I in her case stands for IDIOT) actually tries to tell me my H's acting out behavor is not acting out and that I'm too rigid. Okay????? My H identifies it as acting out, his CSAT agrees, his SA sponsor agrees, I agree, but this dumb bimbo knows better?

See, if you get an IC who is UNQUALIFIED to deal with SA and SA issues, well, they are somewhat human and their egos want to believe they are helping you, so they say some of the most harmful, stupid and ridiculous things just to avoid saying "I don't know what to do about that".

Really, even for yourself, do your best to get a good IC who believes SA exists and at a minumum understands how to treat addictions.

[This message edited by JustWow at 6:47 AM, April 21st (Tuesday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA,

Yes, I was absolutely mortified! It made me scared of therapists in general. It was like they were both making me feel crazy!

We only saw her once.

The aftermath is that partner has proof from a therapist he's not a SA. I can't help but wonder what would be different now if the therapist had acknowledged a problem.

Oh yes, she also said that he was escalating and compulsive, but that wasn't a problem.

Now, I bet if I had been the one acting out I would have been diagnosed as an SA but it's ok cuz he's a man. Yes, I'm still hot about that!


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See, if you get an IC who is UNQUALIFIED to deal with SA and SA issues, well, they are somewhat human and their egos want to believe they are helping you, so they say some of the most harmful, stupid and ridiculous things just to avoid saying "I don't know what to do about that".

Yes, to that, and I think they think it's easier to try to change to female than the male.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
spring2420
♀ New Member
Member # 23676
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I'm so shocked by the ridiculous comments by these IC's! Even I would know better to make some of those suggestions.

I'm going to tell my husband about the CSAT option - I actually don't know if his IC is discussing this in terms of SA or not, so I'm kind of curious to find out.


me: BW 33
him: SAH 35
Married 4.5 years, 1-year-old son
DD#1: 2004, found secret email account, craigslist emails, webcam and chat
DD#2: 2/14/2007 discovered he had slept with a prostitute and had phone sex with women met online
DD#3: 4/7/2008

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2009
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and that had I ever considered getting a boob job, since people are turned on by different things

Completely uncalled for!!!


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Katty,

You have not posted for a while. Have you had better luck finding a CSAT or in fact any therapist with experience in addiction in the U.K.? I am thinking of you and I wonder how you are faring.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am entitled to my feelings and I am entitled to voice them.

I observe and acknowledge my emotions, not run away from them or bury them.

I only ask myself to do the best I can, and I embrace my imperfections and human-ness.

I have learned to love myself, and be gentle with myself.

I am free from the unrealistic expectation that suffering must be distributed fairly - the reality is that it simply isn't, and my anger at that fact will not change it.

I am humbled to learn that just like any other human being, I am not immune to pain and suffering in life.

I have the right to make decisions affecting my life.

I strive to act morally for I am accountable to myself and I am the one who has to look myself in the mirror.

I realize the futility of comparing myself to others, for there will always be better and worse people than myself.

I have learned that by taking responsibilty for other people's mistakes, I am being abusive to myself and at the same time, depriving that person the opportunity to learn, change and grow.

I am proud of my courage and strength in overcoming adversities and I celebrate the person I have become.

I take comfort and pride in the knowledge that I can think for myself, I can rely on myself and I can survive difficulties in life.

I believe in second chances for I am humbled in my recognition that I am also human and therefore fallable.

I am more compassionate and less judgemental towards others who are suffering, for I see myself in them.

On the other hand, I now possess the self-respect to expect and demand basic decency, civility and kindness from others.

I have the right to not be subjected to abuse, humiliation or unkindness, and I have the right to remove myself from the situation or person.

I cherish each moment of everyday because I have learned how unpredictable life can be.


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had my first meeting this morning with my new IC (who is also a CSAT). She's going to work with me while a male CSAT works with FWH and then work together.

Went SOOOOOOO well! I told her a little about myself and she read me like a book. Even picked up the fact that when talking about the A I started to twitch and get hives! She was SHOCKED that no other therapist has ever told me I am codependent. I'm the definition of it!

So I feel like we are truly on the right path. She even said that from what I've told her and reading our couple notes from the other CSAT that she believes FWH is emotionally stuck at the age 18, which explains a LOT.

Bad news is she wants to see me individually once a week ($140) and have me join a women's codependency group ($60 a week). I knew we were going to go into debt in order to get the therapy we both need, but now I'm freaking out about money!


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
whatwasthepoint
♀ Member
Member # 22348
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH may be a SA. He just started IC and she specializes in SA. I am waiting to find out if she thinks he is a true SA. If he is, I don't know how I can stay. He already had one A, and now that he may be a SA, I worry that there may have been many, he swears not. How can I live with a SA? I can't go through this again, and I feel that the chances that I will are high if he is a true SA. He swears he has changed, will never go down that path again, does not need porn, masturbation, other people, sex or his fetsih. Swears he has changed. My question is for how long? If he is an addict then how long can this really last? SA have a high rate of relapse and I can't live my life with someone who needs porn, sex, masturbation, etc.

I just don't know what to do. I feel that this diagnosis may have just singed our marriages death certificate. The term SA just scares me so much and conjures up so many images, I can't live that life.

He tells me that he just wants a simple wholesome life but how can he have that if he struggles with an addiction. I know addicts and they all fall off the wagon. I had to believe this A was a one time thing in life and to me this diagnosis could really mean to me that there will be more in our future.

I just don't know. He is doing everything but if he is an addict then I just wonder when it will all fall apart.


D-Day 10/01/08 (SO Painful!)
Me(BW)-30
Him (FWH)-32
Married: 6 years
S heading to D

Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2009
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Whatwasthepoint)))

I hope your H isn't SA. I was in your shoes very recently with only the discovery of a ONS but was posting on SI with my suspicions & snooping & not finding anything but one of the kind member on the SPOSA thread suggested my SO might be SA. Thank God for her. Thank God I kept posting here & getting feedback & thank God I did keep searching for clues because with the truth I can make the right decision & if I stay with him the right course of action.

I found out very recently about everything other than the ONS (which I already knew about). MY SO is indeed a SA. He now wants recovery & I am doing what I need to for myself. I don't know if I will stay with him forever. I have the same fears as you that he will relapse . I was advised not to leave yet. I was told that if I leave I will not grow & will just get another SA or person with addiction of some kind so I'm better off staying with him & work on my recovery in S Anon. Can you get to S Anon?

If your H is SA will he get recovery? I was advised to set boundaries with consequences & him getting into recovery was one of them. The CSAT & S Anon can help you with that.

I probably haven't made you feel any better because I don't feel better knowing that he could do it again. In fact I think that if I believe he will stay sexually sober I am kidding myself & if I believe he'll relapse I am creating that because I believe in the law of attraction.

What did feel better, strangely enough, was finding out everything he did. It was weird. I thought I was just being calm so he wouldn't clam up, so he would tell me everything. Then I found I was calm because everything fell into place & made sense. I was no longer an obsessive paranoid freak, like he tried to have me believe, to throw me off his trail. I was even dreaming about what he was doing & he would deny it.

Now I think I am calm because I know he has a disease, that he couldn't help what he did. It doesn't mean I don't mind what happened or that I would be OK with it continuing, but I have empathy & compassion as I am a recovering alcoholic.

Birdwatch,

Thanks for posting those affirmations, they're great.

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 2:21 PM, April 21st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
quirkina
♀ Member
Member # 22119
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been directed here by some kind SI'ers. Here's is my situation. Discovered my H was seeing a lapdancer 2-3 times a week at her club--then discovered he was also buying her jewelry, other gift items, texting her constantly, writing teenage love sick notes to her--and receiving texts/phone calls back. Confronted him during MC--said it was only a friendship--she provided a comfort level that I did not--ie constant appreciation, ego massage, etc.--but that there was no sex. Said he wanted M to work, only loved me, and that lasted about 3 weeks during which time he was basically having a nervous breakdown--anxiety attacks, crying, depressed, etc. Discovered last week that he has re-upped with her and is going to the club at least 2x a week, spending more money on her, and was reconfronted--we are now seeing another MC (the last one didn't seem to get that he was lying) and this one has brought up the addiction angle--but I'm not sure. I am sick and want out but cannot do that right now for a variety of reasons. Am working the 180, but want the sick sinking feelings to stop. He is obvioiusly a liar and a good one. He is obviously not going to stop this--would so appreciate any help in identifying if he could be an SA or addicted to the love/romance angle.

Posts: 402 | Registered: Dec 2008
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatisthepoint-

Yes, addicts can replase. But they don't have to. My husband is a sa (porn and masturbation.)

He's been sober for over two years now, and in recovery for about a year and a half.

My husband has not had one slip or relapse during this time.

I know he's the oddity. But, you can't paint all addicts as one way or another.

I also understand how people perceive sex addiction..most by into the myths. Media (like tv shows and movies) make fun of SA. Not all SA's are the dregs of society.

I have work to do on my recovery. My self esteem is in the toilet. Which is why I stumbled upon here.

But, I also had to face my codependency (I was already codependent by the time I left for college.)and deal with my dysfunction.

Yes, there is a HUGE risk of living with a recoverying addict. But, we have real intimacy in our marriage now. The non-sexual kind. For today, the benefits of having a good marriage outweigh the risk of relapse. It may change for tomorrow. But for today, things are good.


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