Now thanks to all of you , I am convinced I need it to save my life.
I wasn't sure I wanted to wake up in the morning. Now, I am glad to be alive. I still have some rough days, but they are so much fewer.
birdwatch - You are not alone in your feelings. I think most women feel the same, some just don't like to admit it. I know I do. Honestly, it is on the guy, to help us feel more secure about our desirability with them. You are right, it is not the girls fault (although putting bikini pictures of yourself on line pretty much says "hey, I need attention, bad, from the male species").
But it was thoughtless & inappropriate of your H to comment on it. What was he trying to gain from that flattery?
I also realize self-esteem comes from oneself and we cannot rely on validation from others.
Within my relationship, I felt it was my job to make my H feel that he is desirable to me, and I prefer him to others. And vice versa. Yours is not doing his job!
How would he like it if you had no sexual interest in him, but ogled every good looking guy that you passed, or made comments about how buff mr TV star is? Just not good.
Does anyone feel this sometimes, that you know how you should feel (e.g. should feel good about oneself, cannot control other home-wreckers from wearing next to nothing, etc.), but you simply cannot "force" yourself to feel positively? What do you do?
My honest but not politically correct answer: I put them down in my head, as self-absorbed insecure twits, and then I just keep working on making myself into someone I really like.
Iwillrecover - I am sorry you have been ill and not doing well. I got BV from my last H, and I too had a bad reaction to flagyl. In fact, I am allergic and cannot take it anymore. They put me on clindamycin and it cleared up.
I have it again, from this H, and the clindamycin is not working so well this time, so I go back monday to see what else they can try. It is horribly annoying!
It is not actually considered an STD, but is listed with them, as you can be a virgin and still get BV. It is kind of like the body reacting against itself, with an imbalance in the bacteria in your vaginal area. Other things that I have heard that can cause it or keep it from clearing, multiple partners (not because your partner gives it to you--they cannot carry it), but because semen has different chemical balances depending on the man, and each one is going to affect you a bit differently. So your body has to get used to a new partner. Also, stress and a weakened immune system can throw your balance off.
There are a lot of herbal remedies for it, haven't tried any, but doubt they actually do much for it. If you have problems getting rid of it, let me know and I will tell you what the doctor recommends on Monday.
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:55 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]
It was one of the lovely souveniers mh rSAH brought home from his A, along with group B strep, and a dose of herpes for himself.
Please consider your health when choosing to be sexually active with your SAH. The only person in real life I know who ever died from AIDS was a 39 year old mother of 3, my cousin.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
I found out since my last post that I have group b strep in my urine. I wonder if that could be causing the BV. Anyway they want me to take a different antibiotic for that. I hate taking this stuff. GBS is not supposed to be sexually transmitted either.
Can't one get these things from dirty hands or mouths?
Shouldn't one use hand sanitizer & mouthwash before sex? I always felt too mothering & unromantic to insist on that but I will now. I will always use condoms now with my SO but that doesn't protect the urinary tract.
He says he gave me full disclosure & never penetrated anyone but you know how they lie. Maybe when he gets a sponsor there will be more disclosure.
He never got checked for the infections I presented with, only for STDs. I get the rest of my results tomorrow. Hoping for good news.
[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 9:25 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]
As I've mentioned, we've started seeing a group of CSATs for FWH's possible SA and FOO issues and my codependency issues. We saw the main counselor together twice (going over history), then I saw a female CSAT twice for IC for myself. I've been seen once a week and she wants me to join a weekly group meeting.
Yesterday was FWH's first IC session with the CSAT (same one we saw jointly). I asked him how it went and he just said, "good" without getting into it. I asked when his next appt is and he said on the 12th -- which is in TWO weeks.
We are there because of HIM and his issues. When I asked him why he's skipping a week, he just said he's not skipping a week. There's no "schedule" for therapy. Whether he goes every week or every two weeks, he's still going of his own will and I shouldn't judge him.
The fact that he's not going again for two weeks (instead of the recommended one week) makes me think he's not serious about this. True, he IS going, but I think he should go every week, not every two weeks. I'm angry that he's decided this is ok and it's NOT ok with me.
Am I wrong? Does it matter whether he goes every week or every two weeks? Is his recovery going to be effected if he only goes every two weeks?
I was going to respond to RHW, and realized you had posted too, H2H.
H2H, my SAH pretty much skipped 6 weeks of Group, after going to the first one, and said "no one told me to go!"
We have spent so much time with my SAH trying to avoid things that must be done to fully recover.I agree with your assessment of the situation, that he isn't "into it."
I am glad you are both posting, asking about this. It is one of those areas that we see clearly for someone else, and as we form the reply, we realize WE needed to hear it too!
My SAH has been slow to take this recovery thing seriously. He thought he could go through the motions and appease every one, and not have the pain involved. Even though he has learned otherwise, he still tends to disengage a bit when it gets haaaarrrrd. (whiny voice there)
I know its hard for my SAH, I really do. I have a very hard time being patient with his whining and disengaging when so many years are already gone.
SO after that little bit of a vent, (I had much more ready to go before reading these other posts) I am reminded that his recovery is his recovery. I can only do what I can to be healthy myself. Part of that means to not focus in on what he should be doing.
In the long run, I need to understand myself enough to know any decisions I need to make are healthy ones. Thank goodness the recommendation to wait a year is there.
I was very proud of myself last week for not engaging in the comforting/enabling/codependent behavior when my SAH was struggling with not acting out. I waited while I saw him struggling to keep from viewing things he shouldn't, knowing he was being secretive, knowing he most likely had broke his innercircle or was about to. I detached and took care of me. He came to me, and asked me some things and I gave a very short opinion and left it at that. He did slip, and then he rationalized it as not a "real slip." I did not engage in a discussion about it. Just let him know it broke my boundaries.
Several days, SAA, and his counseling session, HE came to the conclusion he needed to reset his sobriety as he did in fact SLIP.
It wasn't my job to straighten him out, and this time I didn't. It worked out. I wasn't a basketcase for days.
Next time it may not work out so well. (he is seriously having issues this week) I will be ok either way.
I hope this helped and wasn't too rambling, but it sure helped me get back on track!
I thought I was a fool for no-one
Oh baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth
This is not COSA I am talking about, but the facility that provides my SAH's therapy and Group therapy also has a therapist facilitated support group. It is so wonderful to see other spouses at different levels of recovery and marital status. To be able to talk about some of the things we can in there has been instrumental in my own healing. Our facilitator is a very blunt but relaxed humorous therapist.
I would strongly suggest attending. If I had to cut things out, I would have to start with COSA, then IC, THEN the support group. It is just too helpful for me.
probably more important than how often he goes to IC/CSAT, is how much effort he is putting into working his program, how motivated he is, is he working (really working) the 12 steps, is he working to achieve and maintain sobriety. How much self-motivated effort is he putting into his recovery.
He can go every week, heck every day, and sit in his IC session. That isn't going to mean anything if he is not self-motivated. In fact, if he's not working hard at it CSATs are pretty darn expensive to spend all that money on if you're not seriously working it.
He could go once a month and work his 12 steps like crazy on his own, go to metings, work with his sponsor.
How well he works it is going to come from within. You will see it when he does.
Sometimes, now that my H is seriously into his program, I actually don't know what he is doing with it because he is self-accountable and I've been refusing to even try to manage it. So if I haven't asked in a couple of weeks, sometimes I do. Ususally he's been very, very good at staying on task, and he tells me so. Sometimes, when other obligations interfere too much with what he has planned to work on with recovery, he actually gets frustrated that he can't get to his stuff.
You will see a difference when he gets there. I guess until then, don't try to manage it, but don't let him believe that you think he's actually doing anything in earnest - don' help him lie to himself, but don't nag about it either. Self-care, sweetie. Take care of you and your healing.
I've attended some S-Anon meetings, and found them somewhat helpful. I have found their literature very helpful, and just being with other real live people who have varying degrees of experience with what you are living can be really helpful, and make you feel so much less isolated.
Give it a try, you don't need to go back if you find it doesn't help you.
Group b strep is another one of those lovelies that can be transmitted sexually or in other ways. Ususally it doesn't pose much of an issue for a woman - unless she is pregnant, because it can infect the baby during delivery and cause a very serious infection in the baby. From what I understand, once you have group B strep, you will always carry the infection, but it doesn't pose any significant health risk to you.
I think my WH might be a SA. I recently caught him trolling on Ashley Madison and had a 3rd D-Day.
We are in the process of trying to find a new MC. I am also in the process of setting WH up with a CSAT for individual therapy. We went to two different MC's this week and WH didn't like either of them. I didn't love them either and we are committed to telling our story as many times as necessary to find the right person that might help us mend our marriage.
Though we are not going to go back to either MC we saw this week, both did not think WH was a SA after explaining our story.
Of course I still want WH to be evaluated by the CSAT and let that professional make that determination.
If he is a SA at least I know what I'm up against and why he does what he does.
Anyone have any thoughts? Am I going about this the right way? Any recommendations?
I just don't know where the division is between BOUNDARY and CONTROL. I WANT him to go to C every week. I think he needs it. His CSAT thinks he needs it. He, apparently, does not and that frustrates the hell out of me. I'm not willing to stay with someone who is not going to put full effort into it.
the only reason I agreed to give it another shot (instead of D) was because he said he'd go to C to deal with his issues.
So, is he going and dealing with his issues, or is he just going?
You can point out to him that you don't think he's working on his issues, merely putting in face time with the IC, and that is not what you agreed to. But you have to mean this, you can't put this out there in an effort to ellicit a cerain response from him. You have to be prepared to follow through for yourself if this is in fact a boundary issue.
I just don't know where the division is between BOUNDARY and CONTROL.
You cannot control him, only yourself. So enforcing the boundary requires action on your part - you can't "make" him do anything.
My SAH is really a sweetheart. If I could take the SA part of him away, he would be my Prince. I don't think the SA has to define him. That is why I stay. I love him and I can see that he is a great person, just very broken. That doesn't mean that I won't leave if he doesn't get help. I can see beyond the SA, though.
Anyway, just my little vent.
You may have already posted this but have you gone over boundary setting & consequences with your IC or a sponsor from your S Anon or COSA group?
I know that is something I want to do as soon as I get a sponsor. I don't have the money for IC but am going to a group tomorrow so I'll see if they can help me with that.
You do need to focus on yourself & not your H however that doesn't mean that anything goes. The fact that you cannot control anyone else's addiction remains, but you can control what you will do if your H does or doesn't do certain things.
Yes, yes, yes, get him to go to a CSAT(certified sex addiction therapist).
here's the link to find one in your area, if there isn't one close, some do phone counseling:
Getting a CSAT instead of a regular IC who pretended he knew what to do has made a huge difference in my H's attitude toward IC and his progress.
You're right. Lotsa folks on the boards do not really understand SA st all. They picture drewling perverts in trench-coats, and that just isn't the case. Then there are folks who describe WS who seem to fit the SA profile to a tee and don't even suspect it, Don't let what gets said there impact you too much. All the folks here mean well, but if they don't understand it, they really can't help.
When you have an SA who is determined NOT to have his disease define him anymore, it really, really doesn't.