You can go ahead and box up the porn and put locks on the computer, parental controls on the tv. Kind of like the wife of an alcoholic dumping all the booze in the house. I'm not saying don't do it. What I am going to say is if you do it, don't let that give you the false sense that doing so has cut off his supply.
These guys can be resourceful to get their fix. My H really never even was into porn, "too staged" for his mind, so he'd scan people and store the images in his mind for later use. You can't scour his brain!
as for this:
I don't know if not looking at porn is something he has to do forever, or just til he feels he has control of it? Then I kinda feel bad if he can't masturabate at all - I mean most of us do it. .... I have a lot of reading up to do.... So confused.
His relationship with porn from now on, if he chooses recovery, is the same as the alcoholic's with booze. No, a beer now and then with the wife is not sobriety and recovery. As an SA, having "control over it" means having the control over himself to know he can never use it. If he's serious about recovery, he's done with it.
Same with m-bating.
And perhaps some people can use both of those things, and he can't anymore, but overcoming his disease, and learning TRUE INTIMACY is gonna make giving up that stuff seem like chumps change to him.
[This message edited by JustWow at 12:21 PM, May 4th (Monday)]
edited for typos (I always have to!)
He threw her out of the condo, told her she was crazy, cussed at her, accused her of taking MY side (because she asked him to get help also), and he wants her to leave. Then, he fired his driver. The guy he has been telling me about for the last year that is a good family man, one of his best friends, and I've met him, he is a really super guy. Driver got so upset he quit the entire company. And he fired him over something totally stupid!
Now, he won't even return his boss's phone calls. I'm worried that he has totally lost what is left of his mind.
He is apparently in total denial, and delusion, and am I glad I am not down there with him right now!
Anyone that does not totally agree with his warped sense of reality--he makes them disappear from his life. He makes new friends easy, but can't keep them.
I guess this is what an addict not in recovery looks like!
I am terribly sorry that you are being put down again and again.
It is true that self-worth and self-esteem comes from oneself. There are tons of people in this world who want to knock us down already - we don't need to help them along.
Having said that, I wish to share with you a conversation I had with my IC that I found instructive.
As human beings, we live in an inter-related world where we constantly interact with, and rely on, each other. If we are being subjected to negative comments constantly, especially someone we love, it is unreasonable to believe that we can still somehow be impervious to the negative impact on our self-esteem. We are not robots, and we do not move around this world like a rock or an island.
I am not certain why your husband is putting you down constantly. Does he suffer from a mental illness or personality disorder in addition to being affected by SA? I do not remember if you are in MC, but if so, can you bring this up?
In the meantime, you have to set the boundary. You have no control over what he says - you cannot tape his mouth shout. All you can do is to remove yourself from the situation. Unless he has raised a legitimate concern, you can say "I feel very upset when you attack me constantly so I must remove myself from the situation.", and then leave the room or even the house.
Also, speaking with your IC will help. And as difficult as it sounds, do something that makes you feel good about yourself - exercise, cook, read a novel, volunteer at your children's schools, etc.
You are very special. You have survived a whole lot. You do not deserve this. And I for one am glad to have met you.
I think this week the IC is going to go over boundaries, which obviously I NEED. Yikes, I hate to see the shit this stirs up.....
I am glad you have found us and I am sorry you are going through something so horrible.
Instead of re-typing my earlier post, I want to refer you to a post I wrote last month to other newcomers. My post is in Tab 13 of this Thread, posted at 9:36 am on April 22nd. I hope you find it helpful.
It is not unusual for an SA to fail to recognize there is a problem in the early days. Unlike someone who has "just" committed adultery, SA is an illness. A SA uses sex to deal with stresses, and negative emotions and events in life. There is often an element of escalation - a SA may watch porn; then watching porn is no longer sufficient to get the same high or to reduce the stress so the SA may then participate in personal sites; then text, call or instant message; then engage in emotional and/or physical affairs; etc. etc. It's like alcoholism - an alcoholic starts off with two drinks, then three, then four, etc. There is also an element of secrecy, denial and rationalization (e.g. it's just texting, it's not like I actually slept with the person, etc.). Finally, there is the cycle of addiction: stress leads to acting out --> acting out leads to self-blame, guilt and more stress --> leads to more acting out to deal with or numb the self-blame, guilt and stress, etc. etc.
Not all SAs act out the same way, and not all SAs get involved with all permutations of acting out. The key is the inability to stop despite negative consequences.
Please continue to post. You will find tremendous support and friendship here. I am thinking of you.
I hope he gets help quick!!! I hope he doesn't get to the point of no return.
My partner degrading me is a constant theme in our relationship. I tell him over and over and over to stop, but he doesn't. I don't even think he realizes he is being degrading to me. It could be about anyting, even little things like my gardening skills. It gets so tiring. If it's not the sexaholism or alcoholism he's putting me down.
He was here for a few days, and it was the same thing. He doesn't have any interest in being sexual past the first day, but if I complain about the frequency of sex then I'm the sex addict.
The past two times I think he has really tried not to masturbate on me so much, but I don't know if I even care anymore. He still thinks I dont want to change in front of him b/c I'm insecure about my body.
((((snottybulldog)))) I'm sorry you find yourself here.
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 5:48 PM, May 4th (Monday)]
And even if he got a bad disease, he would ignore it until he ended up in the hospital--I've seen him do it.
He just can't confront anything negative--he runs from everything. I go between hating his guts, and feeling so sorry for him.
Are YOU doing anything, to help your self-esteem? Because living with someone who constantly puts you down has got to be so tiring and soul-killing.
I guess the positive is that you're not with him anymore.
Sorry you find yourself here. The advice here is invaluable. Keep posting.
My SASO had a slip this morning. "Only" masturbated without porn but that is not ok in SA. That is like "only" drinking beer instead of liquor in AA. I don't know what to do because I haven't found a sponsor & no-one I talk to seems to know what I should do about boundary setting. I'm gonna ask someone to be a temp sponsor tonight cos I need to know what to do in this situation.
Are YOU doing anything, to help your self-esteem? Because living with someone who constantly puts you down has got to be so tiring and soul-killing.
I have my journal and my garden.
Sadly, many of my relationships are like this-I'm talking friends, family, love relationships. I feel like I'm trapped in a certain kind of relationship.
I wonder if he even thinks he is a sex addict. I think he thinks what he is doing is normal. Im sure sex makes him feel better. I remember before the A when I didn't want to have sex he would get all sad like I completely hated him. And he always wanted to have sex.
I know I can't help him, but now I am starting to feel sorry for him that he is so sick. I wish he could see what he is doing to himself and get the helps he needs, but I doubt that will happen anytime soon.
I am still working towards separation and getting my own place or talking him into leaving. I guess I just hope that one day he will get better and get help and maybe we can work things out.
The separation is what I want. he doesn't want this. He wants me to stay here and just wake up one morning and accept what he is doing and let our relationship continue. I asked him this and he said he thinks one day I will do this. I can accept that he is sick, but I can not continue our relationship anymore.
Even though he is sick it's too hurtful and painful for me to deal with him sleeping with other women. I think he is sleeping with at least 2 right now he will only admit to one of them. He still wants me to sleep with him, but I have set a boundary that I will not. And when I tell him this (when he tries) he just seems so hurt and doesn't understand why I wont. Maybe it's a just a game he is playing to make me feel bad.
He still wants me to sleep with him, but I have set a boundary that I will not. And when I tell him this (when he tries) he just seems so hurt and doesn't understand why I wont
That is the scary part--how skewed their perception can get, because they can only see what THEY want. He actually expects you to put your life in danger, for his addiction. That would make BOTH of you sick.
My counselor told me to listen to what your body tells you, and my body told me that when I was with SAh, I felt sick, anxious, nervous, unhappy, scared...etc.
When I am not around him, I feel happy, stronger, no butterflies in the stomach, etc...
Yeah, you have to listen to your body, that was great advice. Because, he was seriously making me ill also.
ldlh - have you ever gotten any kind of counseling, to figure out why you surround yourself with people that don't treat you well? You do realize you deserve to be treated better, right? You are a wonderful person, and you need to be around people that tell you that.
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:10 AM, May 5th (Tuesday)]
I found a message from his ex and a couple of phone calls to her. She divorced him cause of his SA (didnt find this out until recently) and is an alcoholic so tends to ring and text both me and him ranting and raving. He would usually tell me when he had spoken to her unless it was something to close for comfort...
There was also a strange code that looked like a password... Now I dont know what to do this is another reason I stopped searching if you find something what do you do about it?
I tried to talk to him at the weekend but he is highly skilled at turning back on me (by being sweet and kind) and I am pretty fragile at the moment so not my usual self to argue with him. I know he is up to something but what the hell do I do about it????
How awful that you have to deal with both alcohol and sex addiction.
Intead of re-typing my previous post, please see my post to Snottybulldog yesterday.
IT IS IMPORTANT IN YOUR CASE TO PROTECT YOURSELF PHYSICALLY. Do not have unprotected sex with your husband; better yet, do not have sex with him. Get a full set of STD tests right now (please do not wait for another day). Do not risk your physical health.
It is generally recommended that no major decisions be made in the first year, whether you eventually decide to leave or not. You need the time to regain your emotional stability; to heal yourself; to weigh all options; to make an informed decision in a more lucid state of mind; and to make necessary emotional, financial and practical preparations should you wish to end the marriage.
However, having said that, you are entitled to make whatever decision that is best for you. If you believe you need to separate from him in the meantime, then do know you have the right to do so.
Finally, your husband should see a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) or at least a therapist who has experience in addiction. Only a CSAT can make an official diagnosis of SA. Also, for a SA to recover, they should seek group therapy or participate in a 12-step program.
You have been dealt with a rotten set of circumstances. Do set boundaries and consequences. Do seek help for yourself. Post often.
You are not alone - I know intimately the feeling that you have "a hunch" and actually found "a clue", but still do not have "sufficient" evidence to conclude wrongdoing. The sick feeling in your stomach is horrible - should you continue to search, if so where and how? should you give up the search, if so, what do you do with that unstoppable and unconsolable feeling of anxiety, doom and misery?
Alas, I do not have the answer. I can only relay my experience, which actaully was not much of a success story.
About six months ago, I found an email from OW to my husband and she said that she was going to leave him a note at his work (to by-pass having to email him in the future, since she knows I have access to his email ).
My husband had broken every rule - he did not tell me he received the email, he also did not tell me what kind of a note she left.
I confronted him. He claimed she never did leave a note after all. That did not sound right to me at all - it's simply against all common sense. I asked and I begged for SIX humiliating hours. He kept to his story. I went to bed unexhausted, anxious, miserable, panicked and worst yet, more convinced than ever that he was lying and there was nothing I could do about it (if he maintained his story, what on earth could I do).
The next day, I made a gamble. If he really was telling the truth, then my continuous questioning might irrepairably damage our efforts to rebuild trust. But I thought what the hell, I had nothing to lose. SOMETHING WAS JUST NOT RIGHT. And I had kept silence in the past when things were suspicious and I was too co-dependent to stand up for myself. No more ignoring my own feelings, intuition and right, I said.
So I changed tact. Up to that point, I had been asking, "Did she really not leave a note?", and "Do you really want me to believe that she went through the trouble of telling you she was going to leave you a note, but then did not actually leave a note?". Instead of asking him whether or not she left a note, I took it for granted that she did and I am merely asking for details, i.e. "What did she say in her note?". That's when my husband gave up and told me.
I am not telling you my experience to say this is a great "tactic". I am not even saying that your husband must have acted out again. I do not know. I can only tell you I know how you feel and you should respect your intuition. If you really cannot find further proof, unfortunately, you may have to be more viligant in the "hope" that if he is actually acting out again, there will be other clues very soon. Once an addict falls off the wagon, they will get out of control and sooner or later leave more clues.
Terribly sorry, I really am.
He told me, well, this one is all on you, it is your fault. Stood up to him, and said, "No. You have chosen your addiction over your family". Click went the phone. He didn't want to hear it, so he hung up.
I just don't have any words bad enough anymore for him.
They posted online that Jon Marsh, the owner of the site, passed away May 2. Sadly, many will mourn his loss.
Of course I am concerned as to how my husband will adjust as he had just started doing the Recovery Workshop and was THRILLED to have had Coach Jon respond to him. My husband has thanked me many times for pointing him to this site and the concept of health-based recovery. He has been doing his workshop with excitement and I have Jon to thank for that.
Today I am very sad but also very grateful to have found that program for myself and I feel good about having completed it. I have learned many things about myself and gained so many tools to live a healthy life.
I am definitely healthier than when I first began.
I am definitely healthier than when I first discovered my husbands SA almost 18 months ago.
I will continue Health Monitoring, to journal and to continue to work at reconciliation with my husband.
I will continue to recover myself and regain that which I lost or had taken away from me.
I will continue to stay present in the NOW.
Most of all
I WILL CONTINUE TO LIVE!