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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 3
3 is a crowd
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Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you google SLAA and find their website?
There should be a link of meetings. If you can find where the meetings are held in your area and a date and time you could drive by and look for his vehicle.
Just a suggestion.

Me BS 53
Him FWS 51
Married 14 yrs
D-days were numerous
Final D-day with full confession 01/28/09

Posts: 189 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Out West
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Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you google SLAA and find their website?
There should be a link of meetings. If you can find where the meetings are held in your area and a date and time you could drive by and look for his vehicle.

We're living in different states right now, but that is a good suggestion. Being in detective mode is just killing me. I've spent lots of time on investigative tips and I'm miserable. Has anyone had any success with their SA WS being honest with them? I'm really falling apart

Me: BW 30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
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Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear NaiveAgain,

I have no advice to impart, only my empathy and understanding. You are standing up for yourself and your family. Staying in a toxic relationship where your husband continues to act out, cheat and lie is simply not sustainable or healthy for you and your family.

Addiction is such a horrible illness because while it is treatable, many addicts continue to hide and deny, thus losing an opportunity to improve their own lives.

I have recounted this story many times previously, but I had a female friend who became addicted to alcohol in her mid 20s. Because of constant intoxication and frequent seizures (due to intoxication), she lost her job, then her driver's licence. Her husband pulled out all the stops to try to make her admit she had a problem and therefore agree to treatment. He even teamed up with her parents, and all three of them told her they would help her get in the car, right then and there, and drive to a rehab/treatment centre. Even then, my friend refused help, and threatened to drive away and never come back should anyone "pressure" her ever again.

She was hospitalized many times for liver failure, until the doctor told her that the next time she got admitted, she would not come out. She died four years ago in her mid 30s.

Alas, to all of us without addiction, it is simply unfathomable that someone could possibly refuse to admit there was a problem in such "black and white" circumstances. But she did, and at the cost of her life.

I love her and still remember her fondly. I am relaying the story to say that I understand how frustrating it must be for you when your husband simply refuses to acknowledge there is a problem and worse yet blames it on you. However, you cannot control him or how he thinks. You can only control your own action.

Take care of yourself.


[This message edited by birdwatch at 11:56 AM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
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Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch thanks for sharing your story of your friend. That really reminds me of my boyfriend I am in the process of separating from. But he just hasn't died yet from his addiction.

DDay March 22, 2009.

Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Birdwatch, that had to be awful to watch your friend slowly kill herself.

That is what I feel my SAh is doing. Because he doesn't just hide from his addiction; he also hides from his health problems until he ends up in the hospital, then he cries that he doesn't want to die.

I can't even deal with him anymore. It is like trying to reason with a wall. He won't take care of himself, won't quit smoking, won't eat good, won't exercise, prime target for heart disease, but he has his head in the sand about that also. Will beg everyone else for antibiotics when he gets sick, instead of going to the doctor for the proper ones.

As well as dodging the old bills that keep following him, that he ignores and won't even open.

It is like, he is living in a totally fantasy world, of his own making, and anything unpleasant that reminds him of the real world, he just makes it disappear. Bills, health issues, people. All, bye bye!

Who can live like that? I know I can't! He told me last week we were "officially" over now. Although he has been talking about anullment for the last month or two.

I'm still processing some anger, from the abandonment. Even though I know I am better off, I still apparently have to go thru the grieving process. And right now, that has been anger! Which is okay, because it can be motivating. It has me jogging 3 times a week! (Although, I also found myself crying tonight when one of "our" songs came on the radio)

I just never would have thought he could be like this. He is such a different person, from the one he portrayed when we first got engaged. Oh well. Life goes on, and I am going to live it, as opposed to the numb state I was in the whole time we were together.

YOu know, I just realized, my body was trying to tell me something the whole time we were together. The first few months I was happy and doing well, but after a while, I started putting on weight, getting depressed and feeling numb. It came up so gradual, I didn't really notice, but then all of a sudden, there I was. Not really living anymore. Just kind of being a robot.

Anybody else feel like that? Because honestly, this last year apart, and the detaching, and the splitting up, it has been good for my body, even though it's been painful and I have had to grieve. Weird!

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
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Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NA))) It sounds horrible.

My SO is out of town & I don't like it. He called me a few times & took photos of him at a game to keep me as connected as possible but now his battery is dying. I know his hotel & room number too. He's doing his best but when he told me about his cell battery dying I said that's a common cheater's lie.

I'm a bit depressed. I have this & financial issues & I can't improve them while I feel so down. I need to be positive to attract business & I'm not a faker.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
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Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I actually was in therapy for a couple months,though not for that particular reason. I could take a good guess as to why I do that, but stopping is the hard part.

Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
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Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldlh - It is hard stopping the negative thinking, that goes along with letting others treat you with disrespect. I have been working on that in IC also, because I put up with my SAh's antics for way too long.

I know it is important to have a healthy self-esteem, and that takes some hard work, to build that up.

Do you think if you went back to IC again, and worked on building your self-esteem, it would help you demand better treatment from others. (And if you are talking about FOO stuff, it takes a long time to undo that kind of damage, but it is possible--just like the addicts have to work on their FOO issues).

Just wondering....

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
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Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lost it last night. Flew into a rage like I've never done in my entire life. I thought I was going to have a health issue that I don't want to mention for superstitious reasons.

I didn't hear from him for 7 hours & I know his battery wasn't dead the whole time & he could've used someone else's phone if he didn't care what the "boys" thought.

The point is, he was drunk when I finally got hold of him in his room, & he denied it. That is why I think he didn't call, because he said he wouldn't drink.

He lied & that is what sent me over the edge. I thought we were getting past that. Either he is an alcoholic, which I don't think but who knows anything anymore, or he just thought I wouldn't know which is what really bugs me. What else will he do if he thinks I don't know.

He was really disappointed in himself the other day for his little SA slip. He would have to reset his sobriety date but he doesn't have to tell anyone about the drinking.

I think I am done. I can't trust him like this & I cannot hurt my health like this.

I know he will probably say things to make me change my mind, like that he will change something about himself but that is why he isn't supposed to drink when he's away from me. That was something he agreed to to keep me from leaving the first time I discovered anything.

I know he's not "doing this to me" but I can't believe he's doing this to me. He is lying to me & doing what he wants even though it is a boundary of mine.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
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Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I think with a therapist I trust I could make a lot of progress. I definitely have FOO issues.

Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
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Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My roller coaster ride continues. I've got gestational diabetes and it's bad. I have an appointment tomorrow to learn to give myself insulin shots. I'm completely freaked out.

I am answering PMs as I can, I hope that is helping those who've PM'd. Please don't hesitate to send me a PM if you need anything. I just don't have time to catch up on the whole thread.

Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
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Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sorry to hear that.Good luck.

Well everyone I don't know what to do. Can't seem to get any advice in S Anon.

I screamed like I've never done to anyone at my SO. I told him not to come home...that it was over. I think I should stick to that because he is still lying. I know recovery is a process but he wasn't even lying about SA issues as far as I know. It was about drinking. It seems he lies because he is weak or selfish or something.

It was such a trigger because it felt the same as his ONS. He was out of town on business drinking & I couldn't get hold of him for the same amount of hours.

My heart & head still hurt, physically, from the stress when I flew into a rage. That cannot be good for the body.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
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Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((7))))))))) I'm praying for you!

Had my IC meeting with the CSAT today and in talking to her about events over the weekend, she's slowly pointing out to me that his behaviors (how he treats me) is actually ABUSIVE. "Non-violent domestic abuse" is what she called it. Belittling, controlling, using guilt, etc. and she talked about how we can work to get me out of that pattern. That's the good news. Bad news is now I'm hyperaware of how he treats me, so I'm living in a state of disgust -- of myself for being her and for him for treating me that way (and I really don't even think he REALIZES how he treats me).

Anyways, question --

I'm trying to let go, detach, and worry about myself and not him. He is NOT sober. No proof, but he has yet to show me he's serious about recovery, including going to his IC appointments weekly. I realize NOTHING I do can change him so I'm trying not to worry about it.

BUT, I walked into his den today. There is a CD cabinet on the left and on top of it he has a few magazines (Maxim, etc) and some game controllers. I saw a red and white magazine in the stack that I don't remember seeing before (although it could have been there for months). It's called "Vice" Magazine and it's free -- looks like something he probably picked up at the CD/Record store. Nothing bad in it EXCEPT there was one section (several pages) called "Flash" and it's pictures of seemingly girls on the street flashing their boobs. (His porn use has always been internet based, so I haven't had to worry about magazines or such).

Well, it's sitting right there on his cabinet. The kids sit in there to play video games. If they wanted to (but I don't know why they would), they have the ability to pick up the magazine and they may see the boob pictures.

What should I do? Should I just throw the magazine out? Should I ask him about it? I know if I confront he's just going to get defensive and say fine, kids can no longer go in that room (and that is NOT right).

What is the action to take without being controlling? (Concern is kids seeing it, not that he is looking at it).

BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
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Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow everyone...
(((7yrs))) I'm so sorry. Many times, gestational diabetes goes away after the pregnancy. I know learning the shots can be daunting at first, but you will get used to it real fast--my mom and brother both use insulin shots. (Hope everything is okay with your little one there!)

Iwillrecover - they lie, because they don't know how not to. My SAh has been lying since childhood, and it is second nature to him. He doesn't think about it, it is automatic. I just spoke with his mom tonight, who is totally disgusted with him, and agrees he is way out of control. She and their family are just realizing you can't believe a word he says, because he plays everyone up against each other, and will lie for sympathy--which is his favorite way to play people. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He also told his mom that now that we are no longer together, he doesn't feel bad about viewing porn, and told her he will not stop.
I guess that is the only thing he has been honest about.

I've also had just plain fury lately. Not anger, but a seething fury, that I want to beat the crap out of him, for the way he used and treated us. I'm working that one out, but I guess it will take time.

hoping2heal - that is bad with the kids, and probably one of the biggest reasons I will no longer move in with him. I will not tolerate that crap in my home with children. It is so detrimental to the mind, and their little brains are still forming, and I have seen what it does to people. I don't know the politically correct way to confront him, someone on here can maybe help you with that, but addict or not, it would go in the fireplace, or trash can, any time I found that stuff (in fact, when we were living together, and he had a stash that he said was his "dad's" (who is dead--so he was playing on my sentimentality), and he was keeping because of the collectible value, I pitched them anyway. That is just me though. I will not tolerate it around my kids, and I didn't give a damn about whether he liked it or approved or if I was controlling or not. My job is to protect my kids.

Also, you can't ban kids from a room. What do you think is the first place they are going to check out, when no one is home, if you tell them "Don't go in there". That is just a kids' natural instinct!

ldhl - Go for it! I think it would be a really nice thing for you to do, just for you!

Good luck all!

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
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Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just taking a peek in... havent posted much lately... life with a recovering SA is brutal at best. I just keep hanging in there, not too sure why when all I really want to do is let go. Hmnn...

[This message edited by PoorTwistedMe at 8:21 PM, May 6th (Wednesday)]


DDay- 14 Aug 08, 16 Sept 08, 22 Sept 08, 7 Oct 08, 27 & 28 April 09
Trickle Truth is Brutality

Posts: 150 | Registered: Sep 2008
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Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just learning that in the past my SA literally lied about everything, weather it is about SA thing or not. Now, every time we are separated for long hours, I feel insecure and I donít trust his explanation, in fact as he is explaining I am not listening to him, my mind is thinking of all the illicit things he could have done and I wouldn't know.

They lie to protect and continue their addiction at any cost; by nature their behavior is very selfish. We have agreed that he calls me very often and he makes sure he answers his cell phone. He suggests that I get some kind of phone devise that will help me identify the exact location of where he is, but I just donít trust anything he advises or suggests any more so I will have to find a way to make me feel safe and secure.

I will pray for you.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2009
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Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear ((((7)))))
I hope everything is ok and good luck

Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2009
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Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not a computer smart. Can anyone tell me of a good computer monitor software that I can use to monitor 3 computers.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2009
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Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to do about the fact that he lied & broke a boundary about not drinking. What's also upsetting is he hasn't called me today at all. He usually calls me everyday whether in town or not but especially when out of town to let me know when he's coming home & he knows he needs to do it more now to reassure me.

He was great until he decided he wanted to drink last night. Then he avoided me & then when I screamed at him not to come home that I hate him maybe he took me seriously that it's over...or maybe he just doesn't know what to say. It makes me think he is so weak, so scared to talk to me so he leaves me wondering what's happening when he should be reassuring me. He is so selfish. I don't know what to do when he comes home, if he comes home.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
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Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are doing great. I guess the downside of doing great is that it doesn't necessarily feel great, huh? But in the long run, it is healthy for you.

You're probably right in that you are processing the grief, the loss. That has anger all on its own. But when you're feeling this loss because he won't look at the real problem, much less address it, that has to provoke seething hot anger.

I too, have noticed how the physical body responds to different levels of stress. When my H was deep in his A and I was a PTSD princess, a chronic condition I've had for 25 years just totally cleared up on its own. That might seem great at first glance, but this condition is an immunilogical disfunction, and my stress was so complete my immune system was shut down. Now that we are getting to a healthier place, both of us, its back!! My body is kinda foreign to me lately anyway, between the infidelity diet, the HB baby physical and hormonal after effects, and just plain aging, it is really strange that I don't know this old girl anymore. But all the stressors sent me into shut-down mode, and lately I've actually been getting off my fanny and exercising again - and liking it. HB baby and I just toured a new gym yesterday that has free childcare, and we're thinking of joining if we can swing the $$.

Blah, blah, enough about me. I think you're doing great. I pray for the day to come soon that doing great = feeling great.

Probably all of our addicts are very, very different from who they portrayed themselves to be. Its kind of a cornerstone to the disease, I think.

When I try to understand the big picture with my H it goes something like this: He doesn't like himself. He has no healthy coping skills, only very twisted and unhealthy ones. At hs most basic level he understands his SA is not a healthy thing, in fact he dispises it. It is his medicine and his poison all in one. But he has no skills to overcome it, so he needs to lie to himself so he can live with himself. H hates himself for it and is deeply ashamed. If he doesn't like himself, he truly believe anyone wo he really respects will not like him either. So he lies to them (myself included in "them").

If I try to crack through the lies and shine an accurate mirror back at him, he panics. He lies. He flees (emotionally, anyway). And yet, because he doesn't really want to flee, he tries to do things to convince me I'm wrong, but he can never sustain it, because I'm not wrong.

The addict's distorted thinking mechanism, I think, is a tool they develop primarily for self-acceptance. Because the don't think they can do the things they really need to do for real self-acceptance, they learn to lie to themselves and justify and minimize and deflect, in order to maintain the sense of self they want to have. It really seems to me, most of the time, the lying to everyone else in their life is just a secondary by-product needed to maintain the lies they tell themselves. We're collateral damage in their internal struggle.

And the only comfort they know to trust is to medicate with their adicition. They don't trust themself, they don't trust us. So to get sober and recover probably seems like jumping out of anaiplane without a parachute.

Some jump. And learn they can cope in healthier ways, they learn to be trustworthy to themselves, and then they can trust others, and eventually others can trust them. Some keep their seatbelt on in the plane and say "no way, I'm not jumping".

I really think your H is too terrified to give up the one thing he really trusts, and he doesn't trust that he actually can, even if he tried. And you are so right that the healthy response to that is to detach.

It is painful. Even if it is healthy, I know it hurts.

I'm proud of how you are making healthy choices for you and your kids, and defending your boundaries, you're doing great.

I'm sorry to hear about the GD, I'm sure that is no fun. I hope that once that is under control, the little bean and you will grow, grow, grow, in the most healthy way. We miss you around here, but it is good that our fearless leader who tries to teach us self-care is practicing what she preaches. I'll keep your family in my prayers.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

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