Now he says he has done some hard work, but if he has to change, why am I not changing. I am supposed to be doing hard work on myself also, since he is.
Well. I am doing hard work on myself. I am doing the hard work to detach. And become my own person. Apparently that is not the hard work he is wanting. He keeps telling me I have gotten worse, and now he thinks "my gravy has slid". And he wants to know if I am still talking to "those people" on this site here. Which he hates and is uncomfortable with. He thinks I am the one with mental problems. I told him that I thought it was funny that the last 3 GF's of his all had mental problems. Maybe he caused them!
He called last night, and is trying to entice me to get back with him by a condo on the beach. I don't want a f*cking condo on the beach. I want a H I can trust, who can be honest with me and himself.
Sorry for the little rant. I am not going down to him, I am going to college, I am working on a job here, (just for those of you who were worried I would slip!)
Anyway, sorry Kaydee, got sidetracked, but yeah,
He says heís not talking to some ďstrangerĒ about this stuff anyway
I canít make him get help. He has to want to do that himself. Itís all just so hard. I hate it.
Anyway, I still have some confused feelings here, I don't really want to live with him anymore, but can't seem to shake feeling sorry for him. Oh well. That is a hard one for me to deal with.
Have you done any reading yourself on detaching? Mending a Shattered Heart is a really good book for spouses of Sex Addicts. It sounds as if he knows there's a problem, but is hoping that if he avoids you long enough, it'll get swept under the rug. I sympathize in that I'm sure it's horrible to have to own up to some of the nasty things these guys have done. But the problem doesn't go away just because we want it to. It becomes the elephant in the room, affecting everything but never being addressed.
Re.boundaries: 7years has a great outline of her boundaries, which can work as something of a blueprint for others struggling with this. It's in the Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 2 thread. It can be confusing, but without boundaries, you'll lose your mind...and your self-respect.
My CSAT told me that 80% of marriages where the SA spouse is in SA or a 12 step program...and both of the partners seek IC from a CSAT are able to be rebuilt...would love to get some hard fact on this and will not be seeing her til hurs to ask...anyone?????
Anyways, it's been suggested a million and one times, but please read MaSH. It will REALLY open your eyes!
[This message edited by hoping2heal at 3:44 PM, April 7th (Tuesday)]
I've gotten that one,too. He also says he needs to be a man and do it on his own. Straight from the handbook!
He just sent me a request to add his name to my profile as his GF & I will be on his. It's sweet but it's not enough. A prostitute isn't gonna know or care about his facebook status. I need to know I can trust him.
I don't think I should cave in & take him back just yet. I need something else to make me feel more secure. I don't know what that would be.
He would need to take me on all his business trips (impractical & costly if there's flights involved). I wanted to go on the most recent one & the one coming up this week & he's worried that his boss is gonna say why do I have to always come. It goes back to caring about what the guys think again. If I was sure it was always that & not an excuse then maybe I'd be OK.
I have been trying to go back and read some of your posts to get an idea of what's going on in your situation... When you talked to him the other night about all of this, did he ever say or admit that he had (or has)a problem with sexual addiction? I am probably waaaaay behind the 8 ball here, but I figured I would try to jump in and help a bit- If you have already answered this previously, I apologize.
Understandably, most of our husbands initially were in denial about having a problem... "It's what guys do", blah blah blah- But, I kept asking questions and I kept getting resources and info and he started to see similarities in himself with a lot of things... Would he take the SAST test? (Again, I apologize if this has already been suggested) That's what did it for my H- He scored way out there on the test and it convinced him that he did, in fact, have a problem... The link is: http://www.sexhelp.com/addiction_tests.cfm
Just in case you haven't seen it yet (although you probably have in this forum somewhere)
I agree with you that the facebook addition as his GF won't stop any hooker or OW for that matter- Sometimes it makes it that much more of an ego boost for them...
You need to tell him what you need to feel safe- even if it's temporary. You can't control what he does by being with him on his business trips, but if for a little while, it helps you to feel safe, then there shouldn't be a problem. (IF, and only IF- he is an equal partner, completely transparent and willing to work on this with you)
I say that b/c in your posts it sounds like he hasn't been super transparent with you and it seems like you still think there is more left to the story...
In the end, it is up to you to decide what you will put up with, but in my opinion, if a partner is not willing to change things that are unacceptable to you and your needs, then you are better off without them. We all have to make compromises in relationships, but that doesn't mean you have compromise your needs.
SA or not- I think that is a great rule to live by.
And worrying about what "the boys" think has nothing to do with his relationship with you. He is a full grown man and that is ridiculous. He had a ONS with someone he worked with- Period. He should be happy you are still willing to go on a trip with him.
Sending you some hugs and some peace tonight- Hope I didn't go off to a place you've already been- I tried looking at your profile to get some more insight, but it hadn't been updated since you joined...
I read MASH this week. I had to get it from USA. Itís not even available in Australia. It did help a lot. Iíve also done a lot of research on SA, codependendcy, boundary setting etc on the net and in books.
No he hasnít read anything except for what I printed out for him. He looks at it, acts interested for 5 minutes then never mentions it again. He thinks talking about it just brings it all up again and makes him feel worse.
NaiveAgain I agree that our husbands sound a lot alike. Iíve been trying to detach too. Itís way easier said than done. Iím sure my husband doesnít like the changes in me either.
Itís been a year since I got the first details and 10 months since the really bizarre stuff started to come out. I didnít handle it well at first and did all the wrong things. Much calmer now but I still struggle. One day Iím so angry I want to kill him and the next I feel sorry for the crap he had in his life growing up that caused this shit.
In a way it was a relief to find out what was so ďoffĒ about our marriage. I always knew there was something weird going on but I just didnít know what. Classic codependant me, I just tried harder to please him and let him gaslight me for years. Anyway Iím way more clued in now what to look for and how to protect myself and set boundaries. Iíve still got a long way to go but Iím getting there.
He really does appear to be trying and is certainly a way better husband than at any other time in our marriage. I havenít had anything setting off my radar in months. He wonít do anything in the way of treatment though and I know he canít get better on his own.
The thing I struggle most with is my fear of the shame Iíll feel if/when he does anything AGAIN. Iím ok about the previous stuff not being anything to do with me but how do I deal with it if he gets arrested or something and I have to tell my adult kids I CONTINUED to live with this man when I knew what he was capable of. How the hell do I explain it to them when I donít even understand it myself. I canít believe Iím still here with him after what heís done. It feels so wrong to me that I would even try to accept it and move on with him. Iím also afraid if I leave him he would get so out of control his behavior would become public knowledge and my kids would have to deal with this crap too. I know I donít really have any control over what he does but itís hard to let go when my kids could be so damaged by what he does. I hate him for making our lives so filled with this ugliness.
I have felt so much of what you're feeling -- shame at staying, fear of leaving, trying to predict the future so that I can protect my kids accordingly.
You're making the best choices you can make based on WHAT YOU KNOW NOW. None of us has a crystal ball (wouldn't THAT be nice!!!) and all we can do is our best in any given moment.
Unfortunately, I think unless your husband gets treatment, he's liable to slip in some way. My husband was terrified at what he would find out in counselling -- when you've spent your whole life lying to yourself about your parents/childhood/self, the fear of honesty is huge. However, secrets only have power over us until we shine a light on them. Would he consider counselling to simply deal with the pain of his childhood? Obviously he's dealt with that pain by acting out sexually, but if he's unwilling to deal with that quite yet, it might be worth presenting to him that he can become a better father by slaying his own dragons before they can harm his own kids.
Beyond that, all that you can do is set your own boundaries (and if those include that he addresses childhood issues, that's reasonable) for healing yourself. Unfortunately, we can't protect our kids from pain, but we can teach them to detach themselves from others' actions and not take responsibility for them.
I'll be around intermittently today.
If you're curious as to why I haven't been around much...
Huh. We weren't trying in March. I have no idea if this one will stick. Trying to get appointments set up for blood work. Slightly distracted and a bit freaked out.
Keep us posted!
You mentioned that a CSAT is difficult to find or non-existent in your country. How about any therapist who has experience in other types of addiction (e.g. alcohol or drugs)? Or call up Alcoholic Anonymous and ask for referral. I find that most people in the field of addiction are well-connected and I assume they will be understanding and willing to help, even though your husband is not afflicted with their specific type of addiction.
I have also experienced a feeling of shame for staying. I have been mostly successful in overcoming that by seeking bi-monthly therapy myself to explore my feelings of not only shame, but also guilt, fear, helpless, unattractiveness, foolishness, rage, etc. It also makes it easier that I am following the rule of no major decision in the first year. Whether I eventually decide to stay or leave, the first year is my year to reflect and heal. That takes the pressure off. Finally, it does help that my husband is remorseful and recognizes he has a problem from day one, and that he is seeking professional help.
Like any addiction, the addict will not be able to get sober all by himself or herself. The addict would need professional help to do so. Until then, the addict is not in recovery. It is not if, but when, they will act out again. I really hope your husband can find resources to help him. The books recommended by everyone here are also invaluable for your husband and you to educate yourselves.
Please keep us posted. You are in my thoughts.
I am thinking of you and your husband. Best wishes and keep us posted.
Sorry I have not been more prolific in the last couple of days. I am down with a nasty cold and cannot think straight with all the cold medication. But I am following all the posts and thinking of all of you!
i'm new to this topic. i'm just trying to figure out if my husband is a SA. We've been together over 6 years and married less than 6 months. 2 years after we dated I caught him cheating on me and found out that he had a myspace where he was meeting different women when he went out of town for work.
We split up for awhile and then went into IC and couples counseling. The couples counseling was a waste because she refused to work on the cheating in our sessions. Still I saw a change in my husband and didn't even know about SA and we got married three years later.
Last month I found texts and a strange number on our cell phone and then another fake myspace. He was meeting up with different women and I don't know how far it went.
Since then he has been going to SLAA meetings several times a week. I left for awhile and then he told me not to come back until he figures himself out. I don't feel like our relationship has much hope. I've read a lot about SA and I'm just not sure if he has one. Any advice would be helpful. I feel so lost.
ps- did you see that the next season of celebrity rehab will be about SA? I'm actually excited that there will be something on tv that I can relate to.
[This message edited by broken11 at 12:39 PM, April 8th (Wednesday)]
I've never used a pregnancy test. Does that photo mean you're pregnant? If so congrats!!!!
Fingers crossed and prayers sent!!!!
Your husband certainly has a problem, if not SA. Would he do one of the online tests (they tend to be extreme but certainly give an idea)? What are you hoping for?
I've gotta run and get kids at school but will check in later.
At first I was kind of excited that I fit the mold (and therefore can do something about it), but then almost had a panic attack when I realize just how SCREWED UP I have become because of his issues.
Then I went on to read "Codependent No More" (Beattie) and THAT book has a much more soothing message. It told me that I'm not completely screwed up, my codependency is just a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. Phew! That really made more sense to me. I highly recommend this book - it's not specific to SA, but it's helpful and reassuring.
(And now I'm reading an unpleseant little book by Adams, "Love, infidelity, and sexual addiction : a codependent's perspective," that basically says either I become one with God or I'll be an amoral addict for the rest of my lift. Really, it actually says you need to become codependent with God. Uh, no, that really doesn't help me.)
7yrs: CONGRATS!!! I'm sure your head is spinning!!
My 6yo hasn't acted out or said anything since, so I think her one comment was just 6-year-old anger - she wanted me to play with her right then and there, and I was busy. SAH and I don't argue very often in front of the kids (I can count the times on one hand and still have fingers left over). I didn't find MaSH to be very helpful on how to deal with young children - it focuses much more on older kids.
ETA: I also struggle with the shame of staying w/ a SAH. I am working very very hard to detach and stop obsessing, but it's the obsessing that allowed me to catch him, so I am struggling with how to let it go. Can I take the risk of staying with him and having him do that again? A very wise friend of mine told me that I need to forgive myself for choosing to stay with him. She is so right.
[This message edited by foray at 2:31 PM, April 8th (Wednesday)]
D-Day #1 1/15/08 LTA: summer 2004 - Dec 2007
D-Day #2 2/23/09 a dozen (more or less) prostitutes during "R"
What are you hoping for?
I'm not sure. For this not to be real? I just don't know if my husband fits the mold, but I'm feeling more and more like he does. I know he has major problems though and I assume there is more that I don't know. I don't think he'd be going to so many meetings if he didn't feel like he had a problem. I want him to fix this, I want him to work through this and to focus on our marriage. I don't want to divorce, but it feels like there is no other answer since he won't commit to R.
[This message edited by broken11 at 2:49 PM, April 8th (Wednesday)]