He confessed to so much this evening that I'm not able to even process it. I just can't get over the fact that we're done. I ordered the MASH book. Do you think it's even worth reading now? I haven't even gotten in the mail yet.
I still love him so much
It does hurt terribly in the beginning. It hurts less and less, every time I saw how self-centered he had become, and how he was willing to totally overlook any needs of mine for his own selfish pursuits.
It looks like this is fairly new for you, and yeah, I was in such shock the first two months, I married him 4 weeks after d-day! I guess it was my version of "hysterical bonding".
Be easy on yourself, and if you can, get some IC for yourself, it has helped me a lot. Also, COSA helped me for a while, in learning to detach. Every once in a while, I may still do a bit of research on the subject, or read a book, because I DO want to know what really happened to him, and his mind.
Right now, though, just take care of yourself and do some nice things for yourself. You deserve and need it!
It is fairly new, well the divorce part (2 hrs), the SA thing is about 2 months. I'm a mess, but not too surprised just numb. This relate board has been a huge source of support for me.
He actually told me that he knew he had a problem and his SLAA meeting were only to help him with his online chatting and meeting up, and the relationship he has with the OW (who he met through myspace) is different and doesn't count.
[This message edited by broken11 at 8:01 PM, May 8th (Friday)]
I can imagine the painful feeling of loosing someone you love, especially when you know you don't have any part in it or you can't control it. Just remember that you are a good person, a person with dignity who tried to make your marriage work.
This may not make sense to a lot of people but a lot of times I wish I had found out about my H SA before we got married or before we had kids. I just feel I would have ended the relationship at that time had I known he was cheating on. Maybe I would have tried to work the relationship because I loved him soo much, but if I was suffering a lot like I am suffering now, if I couldnít cope with the pain of betrayal and I wanted the relationship to end, It would have been much easier than now.
You need all the strengths and you can get so take good care of yourself, and surround yourself with a good support system.
I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. Take care of yourself.
I'm sorry for your news too. If I were you I would still read the book & go to meetings because whatever makes us attracted to SAs needs to be healed so that we don't get another one like them. It is the only reason I am still with my SA. I do love him don't get me wrong & apart from the SA he is adoring & adorable but it doesn't make sense for me to stay with someone who does what he does & even though he is in recovery it is such a huge risk.
Mine says he's at a meeting now & it should be over & I can't get hold of him & my first thought is that he isn't really there. That's how I think now. It sucks.
Please try and remember that it's not that he doesn't love YOU enough to work on things. It's that he doesn't love HIMSELF enough. A lot of SAs go through that where they see the magnitude of their betrayals, feel so horrible about themselves and what they have done that it is easier for them to run because they truly do not understand how ANYONE would be able to deal with their issues. Because he can't accept himself, he truly thinks you will never be able to accept him either.
Please continue IC and keep going down the SA healing path. You have been hurt by SA and if you don't get healing to deal with that and get your mind straight, you very well may end up attracted to another SA (or other addict).
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))) We are all here for you!
Reading your posts from before and your words now help me realize that I really am a part of this club and belong here.Your words ring strong and it's the first time I feel like people "get it"
The insanity of this, the messed up part is I'm so sad for my WH. Besides this and before dday he was an amazing and loving man. As soon as I discovered the phone bill he shut down. As soon as I call him on any lie he shuts down.
A lot of SAs go through that where they see the magnitude of their betrayals, feel so horrible about themselves and what they have done that it is easier for them to run because they truly do not understand how ANYONE would be able to deal with their issues. Because he can't accept himself, he truly thinks you will never be able to accept him either
This is kinda how are talk went last night. After he admitted to so much he just kept saying how can you even love me, how can you even talk to me? Then he said I've just done too much for us ever to be ok.
Maybe that is just an excuse to pursue whatever he is doing and in some way i'm sure it is, but I know he believes that too.
I do feel some relief that I will soon reach a point where I won't have to question EVERTHING, where I can sleep through the nights not wondering where he is, where I don't have mini panic attacks everytime he doesn't answer the phone or it goes to vm.
There is a part of me that still wants to read the MASH book and everything I can get my hands on about SAs, but another part needs to detach because then I just find more hope for us to work this out together.
Sorry to ramble so long...
((((7)))) I'm very sorry to read about your loss and disease.
[This message edited by broken11 at 6:49 AM, May 9th (Saturday)]
2 days ago he told me if I slept with him he would wash my clothes, buy groceries (I had to go to foodshelf) and give me some money. I looked at him like he was crazy and said Im not goign to sleep with you.
Im tired of him not understanding this and then looking all hurt when I tell him this each day. He wont leave and I have no where else to go and no money.
On Monday I am making some calls to see if I can get into transitional housing for now so I can leave soon. I hope they let me!! Otherwise I have NO clue what I am goign to do.
And to top it all off I am soo far behind in school (I take online classes) and class ends today. My teacher has been very helpful and working with me but siad I had to have the majority of it done today and then he could give me time to do last couple assignments and final.
And he will likely go to one of his hoes house tonight and get drunk like usually. So I have to watch 2 young kids and do this damn homework.
[This message edited by Melissa21 at 1:56 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]
Well, just had a bomb dropped on me today.
I finally told two of my best friends, and was told that two years prior, he had mentioned to this friend that you can get women off CL.
Bastard told me he just found that out while he was down south, and was just curious. Why is this surprising me? I know he is a total liar.
I guess, it is the shock of realizing that he was probably cheating on me all along. That he didn't "whiteknuckle" it while we were together. I feel totally used. He must have just needed me for my money. How stupid can one person be.
And now, I am sure he traded my gun for sex. He had bought it for me for protection, then took it back after a few weeks telling me he wanted to clean it real well, and make sure it was good. I never saw it again. He said he lost it. How does a cop lose a gun? Liar.
He is very very sick, and has been for such a long time, and how could I not see this earlier? More pieces of the puzzle are starting to fit together for me, and it isn't a pretty puzzle, at all.
And now, I also realize, he quit having sex with me because I truly believe he was afraid he might give me something, since he had slept around, and he would never go to the doctor, so he didn't know if he had anything. At least his guilt worked in my favor a little bit.
I truly don't know how I feel right now. I was angry, and hurt, but now I think I am in shock again.
I'm sorry to hear about your new discoveries. It's so awful to find out new information especially from someone else.
These past days I've been flooded with memories of situations where I now realize I was being lied to. Ugh!
I don't know what to say. It just sounds like a horrible situation. Stay strong and good luck with the school work. I can't even imagine how you'd be able to focus with all your pain and anger and kids to watch! Do you have a friend who could help?
My update is pretty much the same. He called yesterday and we talked for a few mins. He still wants the D, but thinks we can be friends. I need to detach! Wish me luck in that dept.
So I may not be on for awhile once the internet shuts off, but am calling tomorrow on transitional housing so wish me luck and say a prayer I can go there!
I'm trying to get back into CoSA. I don't know if I'll ever be able attend regularly. I notice that most everyone's partners is in recovery. If other people can see they have a problem, why can't my partner? Instead he tells me I just leave if I don't like it. Which, he has a point, but it sounded like he would rather keep porn/cl/god knows what else than have a relationship with me.
That has been my question, the whole 8 months I have been here.
And what it basically comes down to, I guess, is fear. Apparently our H's are just too scared, to give up their security blankets.
There was a whole thread I started, and painfulandhurt had some very good answers on this very question--as I was asking how he could just throw us away.
Here is the URL if you want to read thru it, some of his posts are pretty long, but they are dead-on to describe my H, and you may see yours in there too.
About me: I think he's leaving. I didn't want that but I just accused him of something that he swears he didn't do & he may be right. I think his junk email address has been hacked.
He lost it like I've never seen him ever. He pushed me on the bed & then punched the bed a lot cos I know he doesn't want to hit me. I think that's why he wants to leave.
He said he can't get well with me being so negative all the time.
How should I be. OK I know he's in recovery but he has had a couple of slips. Can't I slip up on being nice?
(((PoorTwistedMe)))- Sounds like things have been tough for you- I'm sorry. Hope you find some peace soon.
Silla- I'm not sure of a good monitoring software- There is a forum when you reach 50 (? I think) posts called "Investigative Tips" and they can probably help. Anyone else have any suggestions?
Iwillrecover- What was your boundary about drinking? Was there a consequence? What do you want to happen? Whatever boundary you set, just make sure you follow through with it. Empty threats don't accomplish anything. Sorry you are having a rough time right now... (((hugs)))
Here's your encouragement... DO IT! If you feel that you will benefit from the group meetings- GO! You need to take care of yourself and you definitely do not need to be scared of your H's reaction... It doesn't have to be a "stand up to him" situation... Just calmly explain that your counselor thinks it would be beneficial for you to go and you want to try it. That's it. If you guys already agreed that this is a priority for your family, then that should be the end of the story. I wish you good luck.
Sorry he's being such an ass... I hope you get out of there soon. You will be able to get on with your life and be able to take care of yourself without that craziness. Good luck, and I am sending prayers your way!
(((ldlh)))-I'm sorry you are feeling down...
I notice that most everyone's partners is in recovery. If other people can see they have a problem, why can't my partner?
[This message edited by innerstrength at 9:12 PM, May 10th (Sunday)]
Thanks very much for that link. I did read thru the thread.
It's become clearer and clearer to me that my partner is very out of touch with how he's feeling. For example, he keeps bringing up the picture incident usually with sarcasm. I know he's mad otherwise he wouldn't keep bringing it up. He claims he's not mad.
My boundary was that we would be over. I made it before I knew he was a SA & before I knew that I was supposed to make some boundaries not so final.
Anyway I think he is leaving me. He said he is cos I accused him of something tonight & he was innocent & I yelled at him continuing the accusation until he lost it. This was after criticizing him all day for doing everything around the house wrong.
I think I'm just so mad at him for everything & the lying when I was trying to give him another chance.
I know I have been impossible to be around but I'm being understanding...he should too.
Besides, I can't afford to replace the things in the house he is ruining by doing things wrong.
Now I am really not sure if I want to be with other SAs in the same room, I donít have anything against these individuals but I think I will not feel comfortable in that room to share my feelings knowing these individuals donít respect women the way I respect them .
Any opinion on IC please respond.
I donít mostly trust my H yet, I donít believe everything he tells me. This frustrate him a lot every time he feels he is being honest and I tell him that I have doubts.