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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 3
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 25th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice post. Very open and heartfelt. I am where you are with minor differences.

My wife is full blown acting out her addiction(s) in full denial that she has any addictions, just adamant that she is entitled to "live". Well finding out my co dependent attempts to "save" and "teach" and "control" her over the years was part of the problem is also some of the reason I am so devastate. (I got a case of the what ifs today sorry)

She has been gone since Thursday with her flight bag etc. Believe it or not she is chasing a single guy this time and wih her talents she may dump me for him (dont throw me in that briar patch ) :) not really because I would much prefer she hit bottom and come back to me so we can both work on this. The only thing I can do right now is what I am doing. Let her go. Learn to control myself only. Accept whatever happens.

That is so hard and so against my nature that I realize how much codependency i have.

FWIW 1forward1back-your husbands statements have the ring of sincerity. I wish you the best of luck. This is pretty hard cheese when I/we should be enjoying our grandkids and helping teach them about life.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow this thread is so active it's hard to keep up!

bird & silla - I kept up on the pact. I checked the keylogger yesterday (first time in a week). I'll admit during the week I was more relaxed, but as I got ready to check yesterday I was much more anxious knowing there was a weeks worth of info to go through.

He's still looking at porn. Still (obviously) won't admit he's an addict. BUT, he's doing the work his CSAT has requested (feelings journal (but it's all meaningless crap like, "I feel happy that I'm going to lunch". Nothing about porn or how that made him feel).

We had a very rough weekend. As I'm learning to self-care it's becoming very difficult to put up with his selfish ways. I'm TRYING to just have faith and patience that one of these days his therapy will kick in and he'll finally be able to admit he's SA (and then do some real healing).


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
spring2420
♀ New Member
Member # 23676
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello group. Did someone mention a rollercoaster? :)

Bird and Justwow - thanks for your responses to my previous post about control and urging SAH to see a CSAT. Justwow, you are right that it would definitely be a negative thing for me to bribe with staying in the marriage if it's not the outcome I really want. I am really struggling with that.

H2H also asked if I would stay if he was sober and even that I struggle with. To echo what a lot of folks have written previously, sometimes I wonder if I ever was truly in love with him.

So here I am with more questions, as it seems I still can't make up my mind what to do....How do I know if my inability to push through with the divorce is based on codependent fear/guilt, or if it's based on real reasons to stay and work on things?

When I imagine going to the CSAT and starting recovery, what I really imagine is that he fails and I finally have my valid green light to leave. Isn't that horrible? Deep down, I want to be able to move on, recover from my codpendent ways and find someone else. However, I find myself unable to do this - I feel trapped by the responsibility and commitment to this marriage and it's killing me.

Has anyone else had thoughts like this and managed to overcome them and save the marriage? Or are having these thoughts a signal that the marriage is really, really dead?

Broken: I was interested to read about your COSA experience and happy that you went to some meetings and are trying to take care of yourself. I went to the COSA website and found that they also offer telephone meetings - do you know about those at all? Likely the best option for me, since there are no meetings close by.

Thanks again everyone, following along with this thread has been so helpful.


me: BW 33
him: SAH 35
Married 4.5 years, 1-year-old son
DD#1: 2004, found secret email account, craigslist emails, webcam and chat
DD#2: 2/14/2007 discovered he had slept with a prostitute and had phone sex with women met online
DD#3: 4/7/2008

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2009
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear broken11,

I am in a rush, but feel compelled to tell you that you are a valued member of this thread and you are making a valuable contribution.

By your sharing your stories, your struggles and your triumphs (which will come, I promise), you have made dozens of us, especially the newcomers, feel less alone and more understood. See how Stop identifies with your posts and you have given each other the hope to survive (for now) and to thrive (in the future).

Please do see a doctor immediately. In the hierarchy of needs, physical safety and health are the most important and the foundation of all other needs required for our well-being. I understand you do not have insurance, but can you spare some savings or even borrow some money from family or friends for a physical?

You are in all of our thoughts.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a tough day for me.

My husband was laid off from his full time job last year. Our plan was that he would turn his part time job into a full time career. He never liked his full time job anyway and his passion is with his part time job. I support that totally.

Unfortunately, the part time job is not generating enough income for him to contribute his share in the household expenses. We are lucky:even with his reduced income, we still earn sufficient amount collectively to fulfil all our financial obligations. However, my husband is getting very depressed that I am now contributing significantly more to the household than him.

The truth is, my husband does earn less, but by no means minimum wage. He is a compulsive spender. He would buy whatever he wants because he feels he "deserves" it.

I told him it does not matter to me that he is contributing less. But now he is sulky, stressed and moody. My co-dependent trait then surfaces - I feel like I want to fall to the floor, hang on his ankles, and ask him to forgive me. But hey, that's ridiculous. I have done nothing wrong - why do I need forgiving? Why would I even think that? That doesn't even make ssense!

It is time like this that makes me realize I am co-dependent and I need to detach. All my life, when something goes wrong or when someone is unhappy, I automatically think it must be my fault. Detaching, to me, requires almost a deliberate conscious effort on my part.

I do believe after D Day, and that was a year ago, all communications and fights are now "clouded" by the SA. It is a daily struggle.

Thank you for listening.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
spring2420
♀ New Member
Member # 23676
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him it does not matter to me that he is contributing less. But now he is sulky, stressed and moody. My co-dependent trait then surfaces - I feel like I want to fall to the floor, hang on his ankles, and ask him to forgive me. But hey, that's ridiculous. I have done nothing wrong - why do I need forgiving? Why would I even think that? That doesn't even make ssense!

Birdwatch, I really feel for you and can't imagine how the added stress of job loss and finances must make of all this that much harder to deal with. Wanted to tell you that the simple fact that you realize your CD behavior and are not following through with what you normally would have done is such a huge thing!

I'm just starting to realize these behaviors in myself, but still seem unable to stop myself.

I hope today gets a little better and know that we are all rooting for you - spring


me: BW 33
him: SAH 35
Married 4.5 years, 1-year-old son
DD#1: 2004, found secret email account, craigslist emails, webcam and chat
DD#2: 2/14/2007 discovered he had slept with a prostitute and had phone sex with women met online
DD#3: 4/7/2008

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2009
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA thanks for this...
I have detached, (with the unwavering support of the incredible people on this site), and was shown how incredibly manipulative and abusive my STBX could be while in his addiction. I would post certain things he would do or say, that would confuse me (because one of the things an addict is very adept at is making others doubt themselves), and the women on here who had already gone thru all this would lay it on straight and call his BS. And my feelings slowly left him. I realized, hey, how dare he treat me this way. I am a good person. I was a good wife. I treated him well. He says nasty things to me, and tries to control me, and tries to make me believe his lies. Bullsh*t to that.

I was sitting her wondering...especially because STB SWH has finally "let" me go. He still maintains that he loves me, he has come back 4 times and we are both stuck in the house right now because he says he says "I could go back to her, but I don't want to." He was completely moved in. Now he's completely moved into our house.
I was out too. But now the two rooms I had for DS and I have narrowed to One
STBSWH also still calls OW, and makes tentative plans with her. I had the phone for the first three days then he took the phone one night and started to text her, I tsopped it, but R stopped too.
He came in so strong this time...why would he do all this work?(Moved EVERYTHING back, was totally NC for 3 days was transparent, had plans on how he was going to tell her he was done (cuz he had lied about where he was moving to)) ladies?
I am an idiot. Compete opposite of 180. Constantly asking Q (reassurances..even though I know I do NOT want SA H) This is insanity: continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
It just ruins otherwise quiet days, say painting because we are trying to sell the house.
I also know as soon as I am gone I am better these last two weeks have sent me to Co-Dep Hell.
WH says he isn't happy about S-ing but he knows it's best because he can't stand to be around me when I won't shut up.

I want to believe he does love me, but I know he "thinks he loves her just as well and I know it's not a lot compared to most of you, but I've got three years on this W.

PS he isn't mean (like some of you say WH is) unless I bring up the M, A or OW. This I do out of OCD

Someone remind me what a liar he is!!!!
SEe staying here has broken down all the healthy walls I built.
BTW the kidney infection and him caring for me haven't made distance any easier.



ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoFresh I think it is good you want to believe him and I hope for your sake he is real. OTOH he may still be in his own fog and not even be able to trust himself.

Most of us codependents (or many of us anyway) got that way by trying to interact with a spouse who lies. Most of us, I think had this lying problem with them before the SA. So trust has to be earned. One truth at a time. And actions have to be perceived one day at a time with addicts.

He probably does love you. If could control his addictions he probably would have. Be careful. Those walls you built- he can't tear them down, only you can. Don't tear them down too quickly. I really wish you well.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whew...a lot of stuff going on!

1Forward -- Yeah for you!! I think your husband is pointing you in the right direction. You take care of your stuff and he'll try to take care of his stuff. You know this is the smart approach...but old habits die hard, I know.

Stop,
I'm sorry your wife is so messed up. But you can still enjoy your grandkids and give them an example of a life well-lived. Relish your time with them. They grow so quickly.

Spring,
I think what you want comes through loud and clear in your post. I suspect you aren't accustomed to making decisions that aren't "popular" and this one is likely to not be. Would a trial separation be a good idea? Might give you time to clear your head and give your spouse time to "get used" to the idea. These spouses are so crazy-making it's a wonder any of us can make any good decisions at all, let alone life-altering ones.

Bird,
As if you both need the added stress!!!d And there's still such a double-standard re. men's and women's wages. Even the most forward-thinking men struggle with being "supported" by their wives. It sounds, though, that this is his issue, not yours. Can you gently remind of this when he's lashing out at you? "Sounds like this is your issue, not mine. Perhaps you should talk to you IC about it." I'm starting to sound like a broken record, I say that so much. But it allows me to NOT take responsibility for behavior that isn't mine or motives that aren't mine.

Sofresh,
This guy is making you crazy!!!! And he's doing it with your permission. My advice is to get him out of the house ASAP. Hurt (adjective) people hurt (verb) people. And he's hurting you. How dare he say you need to shut up. What an ass! You're responding to incredible pain. Let him go. Please!!

broken,
We've all been there. Please know that you have value simply because you are. No job, no husband, no fancy house or car makes anyone more worthy than another. Treat yourself as if you are worthy...you may start to believe it.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Katty
♀ New Member
Member # 23231
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow this place is crazy at the moment! Broken I so relate to what you are saying I have been unemployed since Christmas and it really is not a good place to be emotionally with all this other stuff going on as well. My H has been like a different person since I have not worked - very controlling and easy to get mad... I am also paranoid as I have nothing much else to think about so all in all not a good time. So much of how we feel about ourselves is based on what we do for a living now it is so hard when you dont work anymore! I promise I will never ask anyone what they 'do' when I meet them first time ever again!

Birdwatch - I have a couple of men friends who have recently lost their jobs and it has hit them so hard. I am not sympathising with your H as he sounds like his behaviour is completely out of line but men do seem to identify themselves with what they do rather than who they are. The lack of emotional intelligence in your average man (in my experience) is staggering.

Have had no success finding any therapists where I live which is also depressing but I have managed to find a marriage support course being arranged through the local church so have signed up to this. The first session is next week and is communications... that should be interesting cant remember the last time that happened!!! H was ok about it suspect as it gets closer he may not be so keen but we shall see.

Just reading the posts and seeing that we are all in different places though in the same situation is so helpful. I do wonder sometimes why we all put up with so much tho??? Guess we are all the co-dependent type which is what attracted us to these men in the first place. 10 years ago I was a independent, confident (working!) woman then I met my H.... I really want to find out more about me and how I got here ....and what makes me stay...

Good wishes everyone the past couple of weks the only thing that has got me through the day and out of bed is reading your posts.


Me BS 48
Him WS 53 (Although he never admits to more than 49 on AFF etc..)Are they blind these people???
No children
Together 9 years
DDay #1 six months in
DDay #2 six months later
DDay #3 you get the picture

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: UK
KGT_123
♀ Member
Member # 17881
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just spent a 1/2 hour on the phone with WH's CSAT going over insurance stuff and general info. He has a recommendation for an IC for me. Thats definitely a step in the right direction.

WH has his 2nd appointment with this CSAT tomorrow night. I hope it goes well.

The CSAT asked me how things have been going in the last two weeks since we saw him (he has been on vaca hence the two week lapse in appointments). I told him about our Retrouvaille weekend. He said it wouldn't hurt anything and was probably good we went. I told him about the keylogger and thats how I was able to get info and that I was very much opposed to WH knowing about it. He said eventually, if WH needs to be called out on things, I might need to give that up. I don't agree and think there are other ways. I can always say I looked at the deleted internet cashe or something like that. I told him that WH fears the "SA" title like the plague. I told him WH was probably more comfortable with the "Love Addict" title. CSAT said its basically one and the same. I just wanted him to be aware.

So, all in all I am glad we had the convo so he is updated where we are, glad he has an IC recommendation for me and glad WH has an appointment tomorrow night.

I also researched COSA meetings and sent an e-mail to the administrator in my area.

So, for today, things are looking up .


Me - BW (35)
Him - WH (41)
One Little Peanut - 2 years old
1-21-08: D-Day 1 - OW1
3-5-08: D-Day 2 - OW2
12-5-08: FULL DISCLOSURE from 1&2
4-23-09: Found WH trolling on Ashley Madison
4-29-09: D-Day 3

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NYC / Long Island
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't that horrible? Deep down, I want to be able to move on, recover from my codpendent ways and find someone else. However, I find myself unable to do this - I feel trapped by the responsibility and commitment to this marriage and it's killing me.

Has anyone else had thoughts like this and managed to overcome them and save the marriage? Or are having these thoughts a signal that the marriage is really, really dead?

Oh yeah.

I think that it's important to let these thoughts happen, and realize that maybe, part of it is a soothing mechanism for the pain you're in. It doesn't necessarily mean that you MEAN it. This will help with the guilt. At least it helps me.

I feel guilty for wanting to stay in the M. (to be victimized again, or at least let her "get away with it") - and I feel guilty for wanting to leave the M. (abandoning my duty, my vows - in "sickness" and in health. . . etc.)

But mostly - I tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty for ANY of it. Because none of it is my fault.

I know that eventually, I'll really make up my mind to stay or go - and I'll know it's the real choice when I'm at peace with it.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Stop,

You are very brave when you stated, matter of factly, that your wife is "full blown acting out..." and "she is chasing a single guy this time...".

You realize that you cannot control your wife, her behaviour or her recovery (or lack thereof); that you exhibit co-dependent behaviours; and that you have to focus on yourself.

May I be so bold as to make a suggestion? Do what your name says - STOP. Stop thinking about the facts. Stop thinking about your wife. Go to a quiet room alone and shut the door. Close your eyes. Feel all your emotions, not for three minutes but for half an hour, an hour or more.

What are you feeling (not thinking)? Do you feel sad, shocked, angry, hopeless, alone or numb? How does your body react?

I have relayed this story before: An ant expert was on a radio show. A caller, who was in a panic, told the expert her basement was infested with ants and wondered what she should do. The ant expert's eyes lit up and said excitedly "Ants are interesting - watch them". While we can never describe our feelings in the situation as "interesting", the point is, it is important to spare time to quietly watch, observe and experience all our emotions, however heartbreaking and painful.

While I do not wish to comment too much on your wife, since her behaviours are out of your control, I do believe you have to set boundaries with consequences. For her to be openly chasing other men, knowing that you are aware of it, is simply not acceptable, and is disrepectful and abusive. What do you want in life? What do you want from a marriage? How do you wish to be treated? Do you not deserve respect?

No words can describe my sorrow when I read your post. Please promise me you will look after yourself, starting from allowing yourself to slow down, stop and feel.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 7:51 PM, May 26th (Tuesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear sofresh,

If he still calls OWs, he is not in recovery. If he makes plans with OWs, he is not in recovery. If he has not agreed to NC, he is not in recovery. If he lies about his whereabouts, he is not in recovery. If he blames you, he is not in recovery. If he has not admitted he has a problem and he needs professional help, he is not in recovery. If he is not seeing a CSAT and/or in a 12-step or other equivalent group, he is not in recovery.

SA, like any addiction, is not a moral defect but a treatable illness. SA is a disease involved with lies, secrecy, denial and rationalization. Recovery from SA is difficult because of the possibility of relapses. Most of us are aware of this basic information about SA.

HOWEVER, there is a difference between an explanation of one's behaviours and a justification. While there may be an explanation for disrespecful, hurtful and manipulative behaviours, there is never a justification. You have educated yourself about SA, but you seem to then justify your husband's behaviours: he acts out because he has SA, and I have learned that I have no control over his behaviours, so I'll just let him continue his acting out for now until he hits rock bottom and seeks help. You are giving him permission to hurt and abuse you.

Your husband's struggle with his own addiction, compounded by his refusal to commit to recovery and seek treatment, has created an emotional abusive, manipulative and soul-destroying environment for you. Like Eternaloptimist, I am extremely worried about your emotional health and well-being. The fact that you cannot control his behaviours does not mean you cannot set boundaries with clear consequences, and it certainly does not mean you let him abuse you.

But most important of all, you have to believe that you deserve to be respected, you have done nothing wrong, you do not have to tolerate emotional abuse, and you are entitled to care for yourself.

Please post often. You are in my thoughts.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 11:35 AM, May 27th (Wednesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Spring, Eternaloptimist and Katty,

Thank you for your support. I am feeling better. I was feeling doubly awful this morning because life seems so hard. It's SA, job loss, my estrangement from my emotionally abusive parents, etc. Sometimes, in ungrateful moments, I look up and yell at the sky, "Please, give me a break, even just a small one. What have I done to deserve this? Why is every day a struggle?"

But then, I hear the stories from all the wonderful men and women on this Thread, who have overcome much worse atrocities, and you give me inspiration, hope and strength.

Thank you once again for making me feel understood and not alone.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you birdwatch, that advice was from your heart and I recognise that. It was also very good advice and I appreciate that as well.

My wife was, and still is in a much smaller way, also an addicted gambler. She was so clever and so manipulative (I got a million stories) that over a few years she gambled away all our savings and equities. She committed a few felonies along the way as well.

Now the money is gone, I truly believe the gambling, shopping, spending compulsion is driving her as much as the sex compulsion, to find a place she can get money.

Since we are busto and I have the house (small equity now ) I want to stay in it and keep it. I think there is about a 50/50 chance she might get an offer she likes and want to leave town quickly (comp[ulsive remember) If that happens I will be in the best negotiating position possible and will get out as cheaply as possible. If I force the divorce before she finds a soft landing she will fight me like cornered cat to take everything she can get her hands on. It will be brutal.

There is also a 3-5% chance (my estimate) she will look at what she is doing to our extended family and to her life and put in the remorse and getting help etc she needs to stop acting on her addictions. So my reactions are really not reactionary. They are calculated. Is the calculation correct? idk. Is it possible I won'r be able to stand the pressure? Yes I suppose that is possible. I am a pretty tough minded character though and I have a great support group, my IC, 2 Cosa groups, a virtual library, this forum, and my daughter and son-in-law.

Something about lemons and lemonade. We'll see. Thank you again for your advice and concern. You are in fact 100% correct and meditation is part of my daily healing process.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
spring2420
♀ New Member
Member # 23676
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 27th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suspect you aren't accustomed to making decisions that aren't "popular" and this one is likely to not be.

Eternal: Um, bingo. Yes, I'm no good at going against the popular vote and find that I'm uncomfortable in this position. I just wish it wasn't my choice to make.

I think that it's important to let these thoughts happen, and realize that maybe, part of it is a soothing mechanism for the pain you're in. It doesn't necessarily mean that you MEAN it. This will help with the guilt. At least it helps me

Toonice: This is such a helpful way to look at it. Since my entire family is involved with this, however, I am under a great deal of pressure to "make up my mind already" - they are also stressed by the situation, so I understand, but it just doesn't feel like I can take my sweet time. :(


A few people talked about going to food as a coping/numbing mechanism through all of this and my jaw just hit the floor. I've totally done that! I used to eat so healthy - organic, no packaged foods, mostly fruits veggies and grains, etc.

As this has gotten worse, with DDay after DDay, I find myself just not caring about what I put into my body. I started doing fast food for lunch, lots of candy, just tons of things I never would have eaten.

So this week I made a promise to start feeding myself better and have gone back to how I used to take care of myself. Already I feel a teeny bit more like my "old" self. So thank you group for calling attention to something I should have seen as obvious!


me: BW 33
him: SAH 35
Married 4.5 years, 1-year-old son
DD#1: 2004, found secret email account, craigslist emails, webcam and chat
DD#2: 2/14/2007 discovered he had slept with a prostitute and had phone sex with women met online
DD#3: 4/7/2008

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2009
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 27th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sofresh,
Wow -- what you said resonated with me, too. In the days following Dday, I, too, ate so poorly in some misguided thinking. I also ate organic, fresh, local, etc. and found myself subsisting on Diet Coke and jujubes. It was intentional -- as if I didn't deserve to take care of myself. I felt so worthless. That's one of the toughest hurdles, I think, when faced with the discovery of infidelity/sex addiction is to nurture yourself. So many of us assume the blame or responsibility and take care of everyone BUT ourselves (likely behavior that started before we discovered the SA). I remember reading that an over-achieving spouse paves the way for infidelity/sex addiction because it allows the addict to disconnect from the family without any negative consequences. Everything still runs smoothly because the over-achieving spouse is taking care of it. Not a justification or blame, but an explanation. That was certainly the case in my situation. The less we all demanded of my husband, the less he contributed...and the less he felt "needed", the more he felt sorry for himself and unappreciated, etc. etc. Vicious circle.

Birdwatch,
I'm glad you're feeling better, though it sounds as if your plate is full to overflowing. You have us!!! We're flawed, but sometimes a whole lot of fun!! You are dealing with a lot so be gentle with yourself and I hope you can detach as much as possible. It's nuts, isn't it?? Your husband, rather than being thrilled that his wife earns enough to allow him some breathing room and time to find a job he loves, instead resents it. Damned if you do, damned if you don't...
My husband found out this morning that a good friend of his passed away. His first reaction?? Blaming himself for not calling for, not sending a card, not trying harder to visit (the guy has been in a coma...). I was struck by how self-centered his reaction was. It was all about HIM rather than thinking of this guy's kids, his parents, his girlfriend... But these SAs ARE self-centered. It's very hard for them to step outside themselves and be objective about the situation. In many ways, they're like little kids who can only see the world through their own filters. Makes it so hard sometimes.

Stop,
You have had so much to deal with. I'm so sorry. However, you sound exceedingly sane (something I rarely am ) and wise. I hope you find some resolution soon and can live your life in relative peace and prosperity.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 27th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see some of you talking about food and coping etc.

This has worked for me in the past few weeks and maybe it can help somebody else or at least some kind of a modified version of it.

In early March when I realized what I was up against I joined a health club and began to exercise faithfully 6 days a week. I also got on the Mayo weight loss/ diet site and designed an optimal diet plan (for me) and calorie intake plan that would lose 1.5-2 lbs a week. ( Ya I had a few extra I could afford to lose.)

The plan has worked perfectly. I have lost 26 lbs since then. My muscles have firmed up so I have gotten fairly "buff" for an old man and I have been tanning 4 days a week so I am very pleased with myself in the mirror, the time spent working on my well being and appearance is also time I didn't have to ruminate about my wifes perfidy.

Over all I highly recommend some kind of self care program that will benifit you physically, mentally, and get at least some of your focus on yourself. And oh, btw if this ends in divorce as it surely may, I might have a better chance in the "marketplace" now


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 27th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

I've been out of town for a fews days and I can see I missed a lot of posts. I just want to thank everyone for their responses. They really do mean so much and keep me from feeling alone in this.

spring2420
to answer your ? about COSA, I've only been to one meeting so I'm not an expert. I don't know anything about the phone meetings. I plan on going this week and I'll let you know if I learn anymore.

My WH hasn't made any changes. I wrote a last ditch letter about my feelings about his addiction. He admits he has a problem, but still isn't willing to make the big changes. If anyone is interested I'll pm his response. I feel funny posting in the open. Not that he cares, but I worry about being outed on this.

I went to see a friend for a day yesterday and I have some more job interviews this week. The despair isn't awful today, but the ride is still going :)

[This message edited by broken11 at 1:24 PM, May 27th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

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