Thanks for filling me in on your situation. I think I just need to detach some more before I file. Everyone is putting the pressure on me to do it. This is so hard!
I'm not sure I can answer your question...but if you don't feel you're getting what you need from your CSAT, I think you either need to tell him/her or try again. Since you've tried three, perhaps explaining that you feel you need to focus on YOU and YOUR situation might help. You could tell him/her that you read and post here and you're well aware of other SA scenarios. But that you want to deal with YOURS. Perhaps you're being a typical co-dependent and trying to be too polite??
I hope everyone is surviving and keeping well..
I just want to check in. Work has been hectic. Becuase of the recession, my department has laid off/not replacing five people since last winter, and the remaining people have to therefore shoulder the load. I have worked through lunch every day now for two weeks. I am so exhausted I can collapse on my keyboard right now and snore
The up side of running around like a headless chicken is that I have no time to check up on my husband, worry about him or dwell too much on the SA.
We have also signed up for tai chi classes on every Sunday in June. I am really looking forward to our first class this week. My husband seems enthused as well that we are doing something new together, and creating new experiences and memories for us that is not tainted by SA.
I do read the posts on this thread almost every day, but unfortunately have no time to respond. I see naiveagain, 7years and eternaloptimist have all shared their experience and wisom - who needs me
You are all in my thoughts everyday. Hang in there. You are all dear friends and you are not alone.
I myself only have one. Relapse=divorce. I don't have any boundaries for slips, as my husband hasn't had one. My husband is fully aware of my "dealbreaker" and he accepts this a consequence of his addiction.
For me, it WAS worth sticking around for recovery. I'm lucky in that my husband already knew he had a "problem", wanted to stop, but didn't quite know where to turn to. Simply put, I just provided the kick in the ass. We were spared the cycle of discovering porn, him promising to never look at it, breaking his promise and then me finding it.
I also had some major codependent issues that had to be dealt with..otherwise I'd be passing codependency down to my children, as was done to me by my FOO. Now, most of the time, I don't try to control everything. I understand I don't have to go through life acting the victim or the marytr. I rarely have angry outbursts anymore(which also means I'm no longer abusive to my husband and kids.) I can now actually identify more than two emotions.
So, for me, this journey was completely worth it. I also realize, my marriage could go down the toilet tomorrow because of my husband's choices.
My assignment is to write a letter about how his addiction has affected me. Part of it has been enlightening as I have had to take responsibility for allowing some things, rather than broadly blaming him for "taking" so much..
Has anyone done something like this?
I think I have a good handle on it, but I don't want to digress into a big moaning of every wrong ever. I also do not want to miss significant things in this facilitated session to really address and say to him.
Any magic mantras to give myself as I refine this letter?
I keep telling myself "just speak your truth."
Any area that I might be overlooking or suppressing the anger about?
So, I'm just left with working on me. I'm starting a step study tonight. I'm petrified. I'm an avoider and I don't want to dredge up a bunch of stuff from my past but I know it's a must to get healed and move onward.
I'm just so tired of hurting and feeling alone so I have to get through this so that I will have hope again for a better tomorrow. I'm just not sure that it's going to be with my husband.
And I hate that because he really is a great man and I love his so much. I'm just so frustrated that this stupid addiction has such a hold on him.
I keep telling myself "just speak your truth."
You're a very smart lady, you already know what to do. Don't lash out and don't sugar-coat.
I've never been given this assignment, but I can imagine his CSAT is maybe working on some areas with him that lots of addicts have trouble with. Empathy. Rationalizing and minimizing and Justifying. Self-honesty, and honesty with others. Making amends to those you have hurt.
I'm not familiar with where your H is in his 12 steps, but I could see such a letter being useful in several places in the journey.
And you already know how to write it. Speak you truth.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
I think you need to run a treatment center for spouses of SAs. :)
I think my marriage is salvageable, but I sure would not have even tried without this group. How sad that would have been.
I think I am going to post my letter for feedback when I get it refined. If I get it done in time.
A little clarification: We went through several years of hell with my XH, who has Borderline personality disorder with paranoia. I have been investigated over 9 times by CPS (cleared) with false reports by the man. Our custody battle took over 2 yrs and was truly horrible. My 15 yr old spent several weeks in the psychiatric ward. The psychiatrist was one of the 11 professionals begging CPS to remove my children from their father completely-no visitation. SAH was detached throughout, yet managed to make everyone think he was such a great stepdad and so patient. ugh
During my Xfriend-OW's separation from her husband, my SAH called me to get her phone# to check on her to see if she was ok.
Removed for privacy. can share by PM.
ETA: There are so many other things, but this is the stuff that really matters even at this point in my own healing. I don't know how to get past my kids being affected by his disconnect.[/bold]
[This message edited by too trusting BW at 6:16 AM, June 4th (Thursday)]
We have been married for 10 1/2 years. We have had problems with his gambling addiction and I told him that he had to get IC in order for us to work through this. when H turned 30 in Oct. o8 things started to get weird. He started having what I thought was a midlife crisis.
A few months ago he decided to start a friendship with a woman at work. It has turned into an EA. On Mother's day he decided that our marriage was over. It hit me like a bullet since the day before he was telling me how much he loved me and how strong our marriage was. We went to MC and I started IC. 1 week later he told me that he has been cheating on me for the last 4 years with strippers, hookers and pretty much anyone he could pick up. He also told me that he wasnt attracted to me and he had to think of other women just to have sex with me.
On Memorial day, I asked him when he was going to leave. He proceeded to call the cops to try to get me kicked out of our home. He threatened to take our children away from me. He told me that I would never see them. The police advised me to stay with my Mom (on the other coast) until the marriage is dissolved.
I am a SAHM and he has decided that he isnt going to give us any money. I came to my moms with only $400. I have been job hunting and am hopeful that I will have a job next week.
The calls and texts and voicemails have eased. He doesnt talk to me at all now. He only calls to talk to the girls.
I am disgusted by him. I cant even stand his scent which is what i was attracted to first. I miss the husband I had not the person that he became.
I'm so sorry -- what pain you've been caused. Please keep reading here and post. It can help to just get your feelings out.
If you scroll back, you'll see that 7years and birdwatch have both posted a lot of links to great information about sex addiction. Most of us also recommend the book Mending a Shattered Heart, which is for spouses (whether reconciling or not) of sex addicts. It's wonderful for validating what you're going through and helping you feel less crazy.
You sound incredibly strong but please take care of yourself. You're been through a lot...and with kids together, your involvement will continue.
We're here for you to lean on when necessary and offer up advice when asked.
What is borderline personality disorder, exactly? The main OW in my ex's life (she is into open relationships, just like my ex) was diagnosed with this. She has been described as unpredictable, quirky and wild (especially sexually). Does that mean my ex has his hands full with this winner now? Would that be karma, do you think?
That is a good anger letter; it feels good to get those emotions and negative words out of your head. Are you going to give it to him or burn it? I find burning those kinds of letters therapeutic.
[This message edited by SorrowHeart at 11:03 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)]
Mom of three
DD: September 23, 2005
Divorced April 10/08
BPDCentral.org is the best place to find info on borderline. Unpredictable, yes, very. BPDs are very black/white and love/hate. No middle ground. Unless you live with one, it's hard to understand how awful it can be. Their reality is not reality. They can tell you something that you know by proven fact to be untrue, and pass polygraph on it. Once they rewrite history, discussions, events, it changes in their memory. I was married to him for 9 yrs. It was hell, and I can't imagine what effects it has had on my children.
So, FWH (Jekyll) and his CSAT want me to come to a session of his. I'm going out of town for quite a bit of time (7 weeks). Jekyll will be out there for about 3 weeks, but that is still quite a bit of time apart (not as bad, however, we'll do 2 weeks-3 weeks - 2 weeks). The CSAT thought that I really should come in.
So... anyone else gone to a CSAT session with their spouse? What can I expect?
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
Things have certainly escalated over the years. Besides the feeling that he never had any interest in me except for sex, he maintained a life of denial, shutting me out, and spending lots of energy trying to make me think I was the crazy one. It didn't work, but at one point I gave up on trying to have a M and reconciled myself to being happy without having much of a relationship with him.
He has been addicted to exercise and risky activities for many years to try to take his mind off his obsessions, I guess. He has spent so much time on exercise and outdoor activities away from his family that it caused major, major issues throughout our M, especially after we had children. I always thought that was his only addiction.
I knew he looked at porn as soon as the Internet came around. I just didn't know how much. When he made friends with a woman while playing online games, I thought it was harmless. The online A went on for 9 years plus daily obsession with porn online, endless sex chats with men and women, visiting role playing chat rooms, and saying things so vile and revolting, I still can't rap my head around how sick it is.
When he moved on to real OW it was all about sex, but he told at least 2 of them that he loved them, constantly saying I miss you, I love you, etc. and talking endlessly about masturbating ("practicing"), how good he was, how long he could last, how much he loved sex, how much he loved women and on and on and on and the graphic stuff. Ewwww. He planned marriage and a long life together with one of his MOW (the last one). It's hard for me to comprehend how obsessed someone could be with sex. It truly was the only priority in his life.
When I found out everything on NYE 2008, he said it was a huge relief, that he was so disgusted with himself and the lies and secret life he had been leading. He has had NC with all 3 OW and has shared every shred of email, etc, closed all email accounts and IM s/n, even though, unfortunately, he works with 2 of the women at some level and had been working with the 3rd until she was asked to resign from her job (not because of A, but because she's a narcissistic dumb ass, control freak).
I called one woman, whom I knew casually just to tell her she needed to inform her BH or I would. She was kind enough to apologize, but also to tell me how LUCKY I was to have such a great H! After reading her IMs to him, I'm convinced she is also SA and told her BH that when I talked to him.
We have been in MC for 5 months, him IC with addictions C and has gone to SA group twice so far with plans to continue. He is doing what he is supposed to do, but obviously not being completely honest since I found out that he had sex with my sister over 20 years ago. He just said he was going to carry that one to his grave. But it makes me wonder what else he is not telling me, and I can't see how I'll ever believe there is not more.
He is suggesting that I attend a spouse's group affiliated with his group. I have to say I RESENT deeply him ever telling me what I SHOULD do. He seems to have lots of advice for what I should do to get better. Well, FUCK that! Wish he didn't just because it makes me not want to do anything he wants me to do. I know that's pretty immature. He even told me that maybe I should find an online support group. I had already lurked at this site for awhile.
I am lost and not sure what to do. The asshole I thought I knew is a totally different kind of asshole than I thought. He is trying to get better, apparently, but after all this time, I wonder if it's even worth the effort for me. I hate that he destroyed my faith in humanity, that he brought this filth into our lives, that he stole the happiness I had created inside a not so good marriage, that I don't want to smile or laugh the way I did, that I don't have friends I can share with because it is so hideous, that my insurance has reached its limit for counseling and it's only June, that I feel so isolated and alone. Lots of things to hate about this.
The first visit the C came and took me back first, and asked how I am, how I think he is, reminded me she doesn't keep secrets. I was very relieved. She seemed to have my SAH's personality pegged. She seemed to see where he had progress, where he was still rationalizing, and where I fit in. Big thing, I felt better that he has a female CSAT. We have no choice here as she is only one available. She was trained by THE CSAT for our area. The only other person almost finished with CSAT credentials is also woman and was friends with and graduated with SAH. That sure wouldn't work!
The second visit we discussed how things are going and our assignments for last night.
Last night was very good. I really feel he is healing. his letter of empathy was real. Not perfect words and spouting all the keywords just right. Apparently he wrote it once and did not go back to change anything.
The C and I both talked about what each of us expected for the meeting. I have learned to stop expecting anything and see it as part of the process, which eventually appears as progress.
I think it is a good thing you are invited in. You can voice any questions or concerns as well as be told things you need to hear.
I lived with my STBXH for 4 years, and NEVER saw a mean side to him. Until I started confronting him about his addiction, and then he totally changed his spots. He became totally emotionally/verbally/physically abusive. He blameshifted, gaslighted, and manipulated to the max.
It made it a lot easier to move away and detach! Although there is still some shock here, that the man I knew for 4 years and fell in love with really wasn't who was inside there at all. Or, maybe that IS who is inside, but the evil SA disease has totally taken him over now, and won.
Wow, this is exactly what I am experiencing...I have never seen this side of him...this side of him leads me to believe that he is a sociopath..anyone else have this concern?
Lovefraud.com has a lot of info.
I was with STBXH for 3 years.
He tells OW he's been in love with her for 4 years...how about "in lust" he fell "in love" with me within that time period and proposed to me!!!
I just can't believe his what *seems to be* his sudden lack of empathy.
I mean he bawled at our wedding...it was SOOOO touching. He cried at the birth of our son...c'mon I was so histerical, I was giggling.
Now, he's full of spite and hatred...I look in his eyes and there is nothing there.
$ false R's...they were so convincing!! He cut her off, had her in hysterics, and even his best freinds believed he had the best intentions.
Just when does someone with the best intention tell both women not to talk about the A, the future, love etc. Then live with BW and dote on her with a kidney infection and go and take son out to see OW while BW is sleeping!!!!!