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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 3
SorrowHeart
♀ Member
Member # 18474
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 21st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Has anyone ever tried an Intervention with their SA spouse?

I don't think it would work at this point with my WH. We're separated, and his family isn't really outraged or shocked by everything. They were sad and mad at first, but have accepted it and moved past it. It breaks my heart that nobody in his family really holds him accountable. It just enables him more."

My ex's family are the same way. I suspect they don't want to deal with it, because it might reflect back on them, just the way it reflects back on US when we discover what our spouses are up to.

I didn't try a direct intervention with my ex, but something similar occurred during the Annulment process I am undergoing through my church. The ex has a court order against me, forbidding me from distributing any of his personal porn pictures. Since the pics were the only solid evidence I had of his addiction issues (since his sex life is secret), I tried to get them released to the Tribunal Office at my church.

His lawyer fought me every step of the way, and the case ended up before a judge for a private judgement. The judge decided that the pics would only be released to the ex and nobody else, after the ex went in for an interview at the Tribunal office. He went, cried big crocodile tears, blamed me because he "couldn't talk" to me, and then the Tribunal people reproached me for not talking to him.

That was the closest to intervention he got, and they somehow took his side. Scary how addicts like this can fool some many people. Not enough people are aware that sex addiction is real, unfortunately, which makes it easy for sex addicts to not face reality.


Living one day at a time.

Mom of three

DD: September 23, 2005

Divorced April 10/08


Posts: 163 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Alberta
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 21st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He went, cried big crocodile tears, blamed me because he "couldn't talk" to me, and then the Tribunal people reproached me for not talking to him

My WH is the same way. He plays the victim perfectly and is so charming that everyone loves him.

I'm sure that had to be another punch in the gut to have the tribunal treat you that way.

My WH finally told his grandma about our breakup. She is the kindest woman. Anyway, she straight up asked him if he cheated (which shocks me because she doesn't bring up personal things). She told him that he needed to fix things with me (which he won't do) and that his grandpa also cheated when they first married.

That means my WH's grandfather (his father's dad), father, both uncles on his father's side and brother cheated on their wives. I must say it runs in the family.

The sad thing is that I think my WH just uses this as another justification in his sick mind. During our whole relationship WH talked so much shit about his brother and dad.


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 21st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He plays the victim perfectly and is so charming that everyone loves him.

This is very typical of the SA. They are very charming and people just cannot imagine how their other side is so very dark. I spent years feeling like the 'bad guy' in this marriage, in terms of how others on the outside looking in saw us. It no longer matters. Once you progress in your own recovery, those outside opinions are moot to your personal progress.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
silencesoloud
♀ Member
Member # 23669
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new on this thread . Any hints ?


BS (me) 30's
WH 30's
high school sweethearts
4 kids S17 , D9 , S6 , S 10 months
Agreed to NC 11/15/2010
was never actually NC
Multiple affairs , hookers , porn , you name it .
hurting like hell still but working through it for ME .

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2009
boohoo
♀ Member
Member # 23035
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is just coming to face with the fact that he is a SA. He has had on going EA and PA for over 30 years. After counseling 10 years ago, he gave up the physical affairs but still doesn't recognize the effect of EA. He is in a very prestigious job and we are moving and I need to find new treatment. I can't live with this anymore. He screwed me too bad this year and I won't/can't do this without things changing. I am at a loss as to what to do to get help for someone with this problem. He won't go to a SA group to begin with. IDEAS???

Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2009
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

silencesoloud,
My husband and I - also high school sweethearts - have been doing the workshops on Recovery Nation. (www.recoverynation.com)

I have completed the Partner's Workshop and found it VERY beneficial. My husband saw me working hard on it and started the Recovery Workshop.

What we like best about the program is that it is health based recovery rather than disease based. I highly recommend you do the free Partner's Workshop even if he doesn't do the Partner's. It gave me insight into my values, my boundaries and how I want to live my life. It also allowed me to separate the man from the addiction which is invaluable.

I am sure that 7years has other recommendations as do the others.

My thoughts are that this is not a cookie-cutter addiction and there is no one path to recovery.

Good luck. Keep posting here - this fine group of people have great ideas and sharing helps so much!


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
silencesoloud
♀ Member
Member # 23669
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for recommending that site to me . I suppose my problem here is I have no desire to work out my marriage if my husband does not come along for the ride with me . I can happily recover on my own , and I am certain I cannot withstand the misery of once again being both totally alone and hurt with no help from him AND involved in a relationship that consumes my energy and requires even answering the phone or picking up dry cleaning. It's more than I can do . I guess if he never responds in kind (I'm with you or fuck off) I need to know how much putting it off is too much ? What is the bottom line - what can I expect from here and what am I trading in to get it . Can anyone tell I'm emotionally starved and desperate here ?


BS (me) 30's
WH 30's
high school sweethearts
4 kids S17 , D9 , S6 , S 10 months
Agreed to NC 11/15/2010
was never actually NC
Multiple affairs , hookers , porn , you name it .
hurting like hell still but working through it for ME .

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2009
LisaP
♀ Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes and will put this in his carepackage.

Has anyone read Facing the Shawdow by Patrick Carnes? This book seems like a good book to follow the first one up with.

I am posting this again because I think the question might have been lost in all this...anyone?

Although I have made the choice to divorce what I believe to be my SA husband, I am still having a difficult time with it all. It's very difficult to hear all the nasty things he has been up too from friends. It's difficult to track his gambling, drinking and 'sex' ads for use if and when we go to court. It's hard when someone delivers my kids to me "because their Dad was drinking' and couldn't drive them home.

But the hardest thing of all...how did he get away with this during our 15 years of marriage? I am dumb founded at the level of trust that I put in him and he ran with it! I realize now, traveling allowed this to grow and continue. He is so sick and addicted, that he put MY health at risk. Just last week I was tested AGAIN for something that normally I would say "no need" to...but, his actions will haunt my future for the rest of MY life! I am so sad at the direction our (MY) life has taken. I expected to be with this man for the rest of my life. We brought kids into this mess. His secret life was more important. Losing his family wasn't enough for him to hit bottom. What is his bottom?

I'm feeling a little pissed, scared, and frustrated after another meeting with my attorney and speaking to an old neighbor who talked about women coming and going...from MY dream home that he is attempting to keep. It all seems so unfair...

When this divorce is final...I will be seeking therapy to get past all this. No since in wasting my money now when next week he will pull the same crap and put me back at square one! Idiot!


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2161 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
LisaP
♀ Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And one more thing!

He's going around trying to convince everyone he is not this horrible guy...but I am and was a horrible wife! What a bitch I was!! How could anyone blame him for having an affair...I mean really? Sure he was wrong, but I was a bitch and difficult! He stayed for the kids you know!

I know and realize (thank you SI) deep down that he needs to see what he says as the truth...if not, he would have to face this horrible fact about himself. But....does he not realize that this makes it difficult for me? I do not want to play the game of he said, she said, but I have filled in a few people who I want to keep in my life...but soon enough the word will get around!

Okay...vent over...


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2161 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
confusedandsad
♀ Member
Member # 22676
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,
Sorry I havn't responded earlier. I've just been on such a roller coaster recently.
After an extra counselling session with his IC, WS decided he "wanted to be with me" and that being scared was not a reason to not have children.
We went to MC and C said to us that we're either working our way in to the relationship or we are working our way out of the relationship, and that it is exhausting and not helping us to be continually getting "stuck". WS said he is working his way in.
This weekend just past, WS has now started saying that he misses the desiring of people in a sexual way. He again doesn't feel desire for me, and he knows that he has a problem with desire in relationships. He said the desire in relationships is different to the desire he would feel for someone he was not close to.
I agreed, after all, when you meet someone new, it is different to how it is after years of being together. I asked what this desire meant to him, and he said, he didn't know but that he felt connected with himself when he was in the state of desire (which may or may not include sex)
I reminded him that he said that when he felt connected to himself during his "desire" periods that afterwards he felt empty, and then it became a cycle of trying again, either with the same OW or other OW.
I've also showed him extracts on the internet of articles which say that it is possible to work through these issues and experience desire in a loving commited relationship. I've said that I think (for myself) that the desire in a commited relationship is more fulfilling and worthwhile then the desire one would feel for others that we don't know (which is mainly a fantasy projection)

I've said to him that I really think he has SA issues. I asked him (two weeks ago) to do the test on sexhelp.com (Patrick Carnes website). He did it within a day of me asking, and proudly told me that he was not a SA as he only answered 5 questions with a yes. That surprised me, as with my most conservative filling in of the test he got 7 and when we were in the middle of his last time of disclosure it was more like 15.

I've also been looking at sexualcontrol.com. It was that website that made me think WS was possibly a SA. The descriptions of flights from intimacy and that an SA is someone who would use sex not for connecting with others and sexual fufillment, but for other purposes, such as escape from reality and barriers to intimacy really describes WS.

Finally I said to him over the weekend that the decision of what he wanted was still wanted by me by the end of the month.
I've asked him to choose between his "desire" for fantasy/shallower sex with OW/single life or our relationship. I've made it clear that this time, if he chooses our relationship, that includes being dedicated to sorting out his issues and being dedicated to being honest with himself and with me, and to being dedicated to our relationship.

I don't know what he will choose, I guess he will choose us, but I don't know how commited or dedicated he will be.

But, a huge light at the end of the tunnel - Last night he started looking up (completely unprompted by me) sex addiction websites. I showed him the sexualcontrol website, as he'd already looked at the Patrick Carnes one. He said he could relate to the descriptions of SA as using sex as a flight from intimacy. He downloaded the "book" on the website.

So, I'm still on the rollercoaster, but maybe things will get better.


Me - BS 34
Him - WS 41 (poss SA)
together since April 02
OW1-6 May 03-Aug 07
D-day Aug 08
trickle truth ended(?) Jan/Feb 09
both in IC and MC
Trying to R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jan 2009
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His secret life was more important. Losing his family wasn't enough for him to hit bottom. What is his bottom?

LisaP, who can predict what this man's bottom will be? Are you afraid it has to be death? It's probably horrible for you to even consider that.

But whatever his bottom will be, you cannot save him. At this point, you are the enemy. This is very typical. I remember my FIL blaming my MIL for his alcoholism right down to the moment he got on the train to go to rehab and said to her, "You should be going to this place." and he meant it. I think the only thing you can do is pray for him (if you are of that ilk). Let go and let God as they say.

It's hard to totally stop caring about these guys, isn't it. Sigh!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so depressed today. Well I'm down everyday, but this is just so hard to cope with. The shock has worn off and reality has hit, and I just hate my life.


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
stayingstrong09
♀ Member
Member # 22550
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having a hard time right now. He's told me that there are things he's not "ready" to talk about with me, of course this hurts me (I know it probably shouldn't) and he says he's tempted every day, that he's having a hard time with it every day. Of course I don't understand it, I'm not a sex addict. I'm lost and confused, hurt and angry, ready to scream as loud as I can. Ready to throw in the towel and just run far, far away...


BS-Me-22
WS-Him-23
Married 4 years.
Kids-2 DS- one in heaven and one who's 15 months
Found everything out while I was 7 months pregnant...
NC since March of 08
Our status is confusing- supposedly were in "R", but I just don't know.

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Alabama
innerstrength
♀ Member
Member # 19540
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart goes out to everyone who is struggling right now...
It will get better-

Welcome to all the newbies to the thread- Keep posting and asking questions... We will try our very best to help everyone as much as we can.

(((Broken)))- I'm sorry you are having such a rough day today- I hope it gets better for you soon.

Silencesoloud- Is your H interested in his own recovery? I wasn't sure based on your profile... You will hear it over and over again here, but you cannot have a healthy relationship until both people are healthy or at least committed to being so. I think that plays so much more into whether the marriage will and can survive all of this.

You will (and probably already have) heard that your recovery is also just as important... It is. There is a reason why we all have put up with less than what we deserved, and the recovery ensures that we will not ever compromise ourselves again for anyone. I didn't realize how important it was when I first discovered all of this, butit becomes more and more clear each day.

I wish you all the best- Please post and continue to ask questions... The more we know about what's going on with you, the more we can try to help.

boohoo- Would he be willing to go to a counselor with you? By himself alone? My best advice is that you go see a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Specialist)... They can determine if he is SA, and they can give him the appropriate tests... You can also go together at first, if he won't go alone, but eventually he will probably need IC (individual counseling) to get on a recovery program, unless he is self motivated to do so. (Some of them are, God bless 'em!) Warning though- most CSAT's are not covered by insurance. It has by far been the best money we have ever spent though. We went to so many IC's on our insurance and they knew nothing about SA or addictions. They were very dmaging to our progress and set us back months.
Good luck- Keep us posted...

LisaP- I haven't read Facing the Shadow... My guess is that ANYTHING by him will be good for him to read. He is the expert on SA. Sorry this is so difficult... You do seem to have a good head on your shoulders though and I am glad you do realize that he's twisting reality to allow himself to live in it, because the truth is so awful that he can't even face it. Honestly, they actually REWRITE history in their brains... It is so amazng to me, but it's true! Good luck sweetie. I wish you all the best.

confusedandsad- That sounds like a positive step. He's starting to check it out for himself. Keep moving forward. (Would he be willing to go see a CSAT? I know I sound like a broken record, but they can help weed out so much crap that is in their brains... I really believe they are so worth it)

Stayingstrong09- I'm sorry for your frustration... He is telling you that there is more he wants to come clean about, but he is not ready yet. And, he is afraid that you will leave when you know the truth.

Is he in recovery? Is he seeing an IC? Are you? It is imperative that a plan be in place for his recovery. If he is an addict, he can't just stop and not be tempted anymore. That is destined to fail. He will relapse and you'll be right back where you were when you first found out. Feel free to PM me if you have anymore info to add that isn't in your profile... But my best advice to you if you want to save your marriage and he does too, is GET HIM TO A CSAT, or at least a counselor who specializes in addictions. This will not go away on it's own.
You can have a good life again if you both are committed to it. But he will need help and so will you. This cannot be overcome on its own... Otherwise they would have all stopped a long time ago.
Good luck- Keep posting here...


If I have neglected any questions that were asked on the last few pages- I am sorry- but I have to get some sleep, but I wil try to check in more often this week...

Hang in there wonderful people... We're all in this together.


Me: BS
Him: WS,SA
D-Day #1: 10/22/05
D-Day #2: 4/27/08
In R, LOTS of counseling this time!
I'm finding out day by day how strong I can be... I wish I never had to get to this self-discovery...

Posts: 189 | Registered: May 2008
LisaP
♀ Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Forward1Back:

It's hard to totally stop caring about these guys, isn't it. Sigh!!

He has been a huge part of my life for...17 years. We have kids. I don't really know what my part was in his world besides something stable to come home too. But he was my husband...my family and he hurt me terribly and continues too. I have no choice but to move forward without him now.


Thank you for the support innerstrength...

I think I will go ahead and purchase the book. It looked interesting. I may have to read it first! Anything to better understand this!


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2161 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's official....I know my husband is a SA. I thought for years, but now there is just n denying it. I just contracted herpes, and have been with my husband for 8 years. Have not been with anyone else. I just found out last week that he has been having sex with atleast one woman in the last few months and Im sure there are more. He has created profiles on numerous adult sites including cragslist. They are pertain to sex. He gave out his work cell, and I believe he is using his work laptop to engage in all of this. Im sick, disgusted, sad, but not surprised. I have been waiting ont he other shoe to fall for quite some time now. This has been going on for almost 16 years. We now have 3 kids. despite all of the signs and doubt of his faithfulness, we have a good relationship...this is so hard


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
confusedandsad
♀ Member
Member # 22676
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if WS is ready to see a CSAT. Just him looking up sex addiction on google was enough for me to think something is finally ticking in his head! I hope that we could go and see a CSAT. There is only one main one in our city and three or four others that he trained. I think though, for WS to agree to see one of them, he has to admit that there is a problem/issue with his behaviour for himself and not just for us, and that he is dedicated to trying to get better.

((whatnowaz)) I've sent you a PM


Me - BS 34
Him - WS 41 (poss SA)
together since April 02
OW1-6 May 03-Aug 07
D-day Aug 08
trickle truth ended(?) Jan/Feb 09
both in IC and MC
Trying to R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jan 2009
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today it's been 2 years since DDay2.

This year, I also found out who OW 2 was. I'm still don't know who OW1 was, but I have hunch. I don't know neither one personally. I saw OW2's myspace out of curiosity and I was able to make the connection. I posted this in details in the General forum. Seeing what she looked like brought back horrible flashbacks and more graphic "mind movies"

Things are going well though. I've come up with realistic consequences if my husband acts out. He hasn't looked at porn in about 14 months. That's the longest he's ever gone without it and I'm proud of him. He still consistently attends the SA meetings and he keeps in touch with the friends he's made in the group.

I'm only worried about him acting out on his addiction through the internet but I'm not too worried about him cheating again since that'll wreck his military career and it's his job that's keeping us fed and sheltered.

We could still do better though and we're constantly working on it....


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont understan how to use this thread....can someone help....


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatnowaz,

the thread is to provide support for folks who are married to SA's. Just read through past posts to follow our stories and post your own and people will respond. There are lots of wise posters here who give great advice. I'm so sorry to read about your story. I know it is heartbreaking.


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
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