Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: z1x2606 (43216)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 3
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks H2H,

I plan on checking that book out. Sorry to hear that things have been rough.

He's spiraling downward and it's becoming VERY difficult for me to live with.

Feel free to share or pm about what is going on.

This all sucks


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
amy2716
♀ New Member
Member # 24606
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken 11, thank you for the link to the polygraph discussion. I think I'll go back and re-read MaSH. I rushed through it the first time hoping to find "the" answer, but I now know there's no such thing.

I sent my H an email last night. I told him that as much as I'd like to move forward in couple's recovery, that I could no longer ignore my inner voice that is now SCREAMING there is more to this story! That in the very same way he is adamant that there is nothing more to tell -- that he fit 10 years of lies in a two page Disclosure Letter, I'm also very adamant in my belief that he is holding back.

I explained that I'd hoped the mediated Disclosure would of brought me clarity and maybe inspire me to committ to a long recovery, but sadly that didn't happen. I told him that this life of lies was toxic and I want out. I asked that we meet to discuss a permanent separation.

His response last night "I really believed that you would give more time in the healing process before making this life changing decision. BTW, I cannot keep telling you that I'm not holding back anymore. I'm at my bottom & at this point have no reason to hide anything especially if were getting a divorce. This is just how I feel & do not intended to be defensive, sarcastic, or disresptful. I,m going to relay this to my therapist so I can seek help."

His response this morning. "I can't stop thinking about your message. I acknowledge your pain, dismay, & uncertainity of recovery, but I promise to do all I can & to the best of my ability to explain, prove, that I have the ability to disclose anything in the past 10 years that I havent so far. I intend to think alone for a while & try to find anything that might be more of a help to you & me in my life of lies. I love you & the kids too much to go down without a fight, & not try to reconcile our lives. Please take all the time you need. If its alright with you, I would like to schedule another couples therapy since the last one was not successful."

Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like if I chose to stay with this addict? In the fist message he's still sticking to his story and in the second he concedes there might be more. I'm sick of this roller coaster of emotions! I'm angry that after a VERY expensive rehab treatment, he still hasn't realized that all I need is honesty! Where are his morals? I'm so confused.


Me (33)
Him (48) Recovering SA
Completed Treatment, Sober 15 dys
Married 10 years
Daughter (3 yrs), Son (16 months)
D-day Valentine's Day 2005 and again Mother's Day 2009

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Torrance, CA
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this whole SA thing. My WH is seeking counselling for his possible addiction, and I have so many fears and concerns. I just don't even know where to start... My first question would be.... as with all addictions, should I expect relapses or "falling off the wagon" on his road to recovery? Am I crazy for expecting such things, and knowing that I will likely forgive him even then?

Well, IMVHO, recovery is a life-long journey.

I expect my husband will have a slip. I define a slip as a one time occurance of acting out. We have 50 years of living left and my husband is human.

My husband has been sober for almost 2.5 years. He hasn't slipped. I have no boundaries in place for a slip. But I think visiting a CSAT would likely be it.

So, it IS possible to recover without slipping. It's not the norm, but possible.

I define relapse as going back to daily acting out or escalation of the addiction. My personal boundaries are such that if my husband relapses, our marriage is over. I don't have the stamina to do recovery again. I also won't keep my kids in a dysfunctional household.

Have you educated yourself on the addiction? My first step would be learning all about addictions and making some boundaries about what behavior you find acceptable. No one can decide this for you.

You also might find it helpful to use a CSAT therapist yourself. My CSAT made my whole life make sense in an hour. My other therapists couldn't do that after working together for years.

Also-forgiveness is something we do for ourselves-not for the other party. So, it doesn't seem crazy to me that you can forgive your WH for whatever he has done.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband still thinks I should "ask" before I look through his things? I don't think he can handle the boundaries that will be neccesary for me to build trust in him. He never has liked them before and that's why eventually he would take back all control,ie:change passwords, lock phone, create new email addresses. I am going to bring this up in counseling tomorrow and I really hope our counselor will agree he needs to be completely transparent. Mother issue now is he wasnts me to be completely transparent. He wants all passwords, wants me to delete my facebook and such. I am hesitant. Not because I am hiding something, but because say I do all of this...how do I know he doesnt have another "secret" account?


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update on my situation:

SAH still has not been officially diagnosed as SA (as far as we know he only looks at porn every 4-5 days for less than 10 minutes, so even though he hasn't stopped looking at porn, they are hesitant to call it an "addiction". But he DEFINITELY has an addictive personality and all the problems that go with it).

Since finding out our insurance covered almost none of the cost of the CSAT, he's been spiraling down (in behaviors, not porn-viewing). Being nasty, mean, degrading to me; snapping at the kids; rationalizing/justifying/blameshifting bad behaviors. It's AMAZING how he twists things around. He absolutely CANNOT see himself as to blame or doing something wrong. I always get, "Ok, I shouldn't have acted like that BUT..." and the "but" is always followed by making me at fault. He's even convinced himself that I tricked him into getting me pregnant (with our twins, now 2), even though HE was in charge of birth control!!

I can now see his behaviors for what they are and why he acts the way he does and it's sad because he truly cannot help it, but DAMN, it's hard to live with!


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
Goldenrule
♀ Member
Member # 20242
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like others, I've been lurking for awhile. H is a SA. Porn escalated to AFF and 3 affairs. This has been tough to say the least.

He's remorseful,desparate to save our marriage. In IC, 12 step pr ogram. I can see him working the program.

I'm doing my best to survive. I've read all of the books, MASH, P.Carnes, till my mind is mush. In IC, active in SANON group.

I can't find a way to get my head around all of this. How do you separate the man from the addiction?

I know that at his core, my H is a good man, but...

I'm trying to R for all of the reasons we all are, love, kids, age, finances,ect... but damn, this is so overwhelming, what do they expect of us and how do we come to terms with all that has happened in the life that we thought was so great?

I've been back and forth, R-D, my mind is mush. Where do we go from here and save our sanity?


BW-51
WH-49
2 CHILDREN
D-DAY 08-05-07
IT IS WHAT IT IS

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: MA
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't find a way to get my head around all of this. How do you separate the man from the addiction?

For me, it was easier to see that my husband just had really poor coping mechanisms because I did as well. I was self injuring by the time I was an early teen. The behavior didn't actually stop until about a year ago. Often the bouts of self injury would come with lots of pent up rage-yelling, screaming, what have you.

I'm really not a raging/raving luntic, though I've certainly acted like it. I just had some pretty messed up coping strategies.

I know that not everyone who marries an addict is broken, just as the addict is. In my case though, I entered our marriage just as emotionally stunted and broken as my husband.

Now, I don't get why my husband chose to self medicate. I could never do that. But I'm sure he doesn't get why I ended up self injuring either. I don't think he would have chose that as a coping strategy.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just returned home from my son's wedding this past weekend. It was the most beautiful wedding I have ever attended. It was a Christian wedding but the pastor who officiated is one of the most common sense church leaders I have ever met. His message was excellent and addressed marriage in a very healthy and common sense manner.

During the message, my SAh was very moved by many things that hit him right where he lives. He squeezed my arm and whispered that he loved me. I responded, "I know." and squeezed his arm. I could not say 'I love you, too' back. Because I don't.

I love him like the best friend I ever had or a brother, but I do not love him as a wife should love her husband.

My IC laid it out very well at the last session before the wedding. I have choices. These include:

1. I could stay in this marriage where I do not love him as I should. I would accept he is an SA, and concentrate on my own growth, including spiritual growth.

2. I could institute a trial separation. This may be an in-house one or one in which we live in separate places.

3. I could divorce him.

My SAh is remorseful, but he is not seeking sobriety as he should. He really believes he can do it on his own. I know, as all of you do, he cannot. There are not the resources in this small city that he needs, but there is enough that he could work on his SA. This is not an excuse, IMO.

I am spending the summer continuing to work on myself, most paramount my relationship with my Lord, which to me is essential. I will also consider my options. I want to make the right decision. I am leaning towards separation, because I think it's the most kind to both him and I. I am spending 10 days, a couple thousand miles away, at a quiet cabin with my sisters in August. That will help me immensely to consider the options in a wise manner.



Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have been having the GUT INSTINCTS...caught husband last night...asked god to SHOW me...and he did...AGAIN...
Seems H. is in relationship w/ a prostitute he'd met...all the while "in recovery" & in the STEPS...

I'm done. My poor girls...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ScribblingMum)))

I'm so sorry.


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScribblingMum,

I'm so sorry. But you've got to take care of yourself and your girls. They'll be fine and in fact will be better off than watching an unhealthy relationship and assuming that's what an adult relationship looks like.

H2H,
I'm also sorry for what you're going through. Again, figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself and remove yourself from the craziness. You are NOT crazy, the situation is. And the situation is something you can remove yourself from -- whether emotionally or physically.

Take care everyone. I'm really busy these days but I try and check my PMs regularly.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
sharonons
♀ Member
Member # 24462
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK I went to recovery nation after reading some posts here. i was so taken aback by the brochure to see if your partner is a SA. My god he had at least two checks in every catagory. I didn't want to believe it you know? I am going to fill it out and give him and the MC a copy to go over in our next joint session. What does everyone think about that? Is that too in your face? My MC told me privately she thinks he is a SA but she has not said a thing to him about it. He only sees me with codependent books and asked if your that, then are u saying I'm an addict? He was extremely Pissed! I said, hey this is what i need to do, this is what i need to read. Back off Please.I so want to show him this brochure and prove it. Plus I bought the book, Not just friends, hoping that it will give me a little more sanity and peace.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so sad for all of you that find yourself in the same situation as I do. I knew I was not alone, but felt like I was. Im not sure my husband is seeing the "right" counselor. Is it normal to know all of my WH behaviors but not be able to diagnose him at this point? He and the MC agreed there is a "problem" but I am the only one mentioning SA. It is driving me crazy. WH doesn't want to look into a 12-step. The MC is asking for my patience....please someone tell me where to go for my own help? Books, programs.....anything!


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sharonons,

Recovery Nation is great. It helped me SO much.

I know that it would wonderful to think that by seeing the brochure or questionaire he would read it and see the light. I am sure many a partner has done the same with a 12-Step brochure or 10.

I think what I am getting at is that if he's currently seeking recovery -then absolutely share it with him. I did that with my husband and he's grateful. If he's NOT actively seeing recovery then it's likely to fall on deaf ears. He has to know it, own it and want to recover.

[This message edited by 2br02b at 6:51 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
RedHeadWitchy
♀ Member
Member # 19206
Cool  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatnowaz- how long have you been seeing this MC??? FWH and I were in MC for four months when I discovered the AFF acct that he had used during the A. As soon as Ibrought it up at the next MC appt she immediately suggested that he be referred to a CSAT. I guess that the discovery of the hidden adult acct coupled with the background we had already layed out for him made up her mind. She was so right. That was over a year ago and he's been in therapy with the CSAT ever since. Has the MC given a reason as to why he won't refer him to a CSAT???


Me 35(BW) Him 37(FWH)
WhorMonica 45 (FOW QVC reject)
M 9ys,
D: 7, S: 3
In R/MC/IC

I thought I was a fool for no-one
Oh baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth
~Muse


Posts: 838 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Beautiful Southeastern, PA
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 10:44 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has the MC given a reason as to why he won't refer him to a CSAT???

Ditto this.

Have you told the MC EVERYTHING your spouse has done? You need to write out a full accounting of everything you know and give the MC information on SA. If the MC still cannot pull his/her head of his/her ass and see that your husband is a SA, fire the MC on the spot and tell your husband that you're setting a boundary. Either he chooses to go to see a CSAT with you or... (you'll have to set your own consequence I can't do that for you.)

When setting a consequence it is paramount that it is something that you will not hesitate to follow through on!!! DO NOT SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DIVORCE (or leave or separate) UNLESS YOU ARE 150% COMMITTED TO DOING SO AND WILL ACTUALLY DO IT!!! Do NOT make threats. That is manipulation not healthy boundaries and consequences.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the support...

I'm so sad...I've been on this road for 2 1/2 years now...I kicked him out AGAIN, of course...
HOW the feck can a man have a "relationship" w/ a hooker/massage girl who barely speaks English?!?
Well, cuz then it's free! He also said tonight that he's also been going to other massage places acting out...
can't stop...is really sick..needs in-patient/stop working & he can't aford it...Even though he's been making some strides in recovery...& says he loves me...I think he's NPD...

I'm just DONE...but I'm financially dependent...he has no savings/$$$/life insurance--nothing...

I just wanna die....


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScribblingMum,

I know it feels hopeless right now but the operant phrase is "right now". It will get better. You're a smart, resourceful woman who can no doubt find a way to support your kids. Could you babysit other kids as well to bring in some money? I can't recall their ages (they're young, aren't they?), but will they be in school or preschool in the fall? Sit down and see if you can come up with a plan -- where do you want to be a year from you, two years from now. Then focus on that. You'll get there. I know you will.

1 Forward,

The wedding sounds beautiful. I, too, was at a wedding on the weekend -- friends who've been together since they were 20 (they're 39 now) and they so clearly adore each other and are so respectful with each other. They make you feel good just being around them.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
sharonons
♀ Member
Member # 24462
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK I appreciate the feedback about the survey. How does the person (WS) then realize he may be a SA? Should I just keep telling him about his past, read him the definition, bring in articles for him and MC? I know denial is first but how do u break through that and get him to say, this might be me? I think the MC should be doing this, but she feels if he is pushed too much, he will leave therapy and all hope of R will be gone.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
sharonons
♀ Member
Member # 24462
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this too. He says to me if he is an addict of some sort,(conversation i had with him last night about me being codependent. U know he got angry again and said if i am that then what kind of addict am I? We've had this discussion before, but when he gets angry, I of course get scared and stop.) Then am i going to make him go to damn 12 step program? I told him I cant make him do anything. What do u say to something like that? shouldn't he want to go to a program? How do i get him to see his addiction is real? I feel like hitting him in the head with a board marked SA on it! Not really....well maybe.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.