I am so sorry to hear your story and so glad you found this site. I have been here a week and have been helped so much.
HELP please! Victim of incest, bipolar, Unfaithful and SA???
My husband is a victim of sexual abuse (rape) in his childhood, was diagnosed with adult ADHD, depression, and dysthemia (which roughly translates to "strange soul" - whatever that means!), sought comfort through compulsive use of alcohol and prescription drugs, and acted out sexually throughout all of it. (Read my profile for details) Only now after the third d-day is he finally coming to terms with the fact that he is SA.
You may only know about the affair so far - full disclosure about his sexual acting out may only come through a guided meeting with a therapist. Try to seek out a CSAT - I know it has been incredibly helpful for us (again, we're only a week in, so time will tell...)
7yrsbetrayed is an excellent resource and any post you read from her will help a lot. I picked up a copy of Mending a Shattered Heart and am amazed with how many things apply to me. I had no idea the extent of my co-addiction to WH until I started reading this. It has a lot of information that will help you through this trying time.
Peace be with you during this difficult time.
"To love is not just to look at each other but to look together in the same direction." ~ Antoine de St. Exupery
One, you said:
was diagnosed dysthemia (which roughly translates to "strange soul" - whatever that means!)
Oh that's nice - strange soul. My husband has a paraphilia known as autogynephilia meaning “love of oneself as a woman” and defined as a male’s propensity to be erotically aroused by the thought or image of himself as a woman. How's that for bizarre eh? Add the SA on to that and you have a fierce mess. So far, there has only been mention of childhood abuse. He's working his program - that's what matters.
I found that Recovery Nation was a fantastic resource for separating the man from the addiction. I did the free Partner's Workshop and it was an excellent program. I really feel it's been crucial in our ongoing reconciliation.
I am able to see him take so many baby steps - so immature and childlike - and I delight in those; as does he. In addition, I need to show him what acceptable and mature behavior looks like. Whether I like it or not, I am his moral compass.
Right now I am still working and waiting for forgiveness. It might come when I least expect it. Most of it has been forgiven but there are a couple things that keep me up late - like tonight - spinning my wheels.
I find meditation works best.
I read a study online that says that BS can take over a year after SA starts sexual sobriety to begin to trust and be able to forgive. For those of you who are living with rSA, how long did it take you to reach that point?
The point at which I turned the corner and actually began trusting again, when I was able to look at him and separate the man I love from the disease didn't happen until last summer. At that point he'd been sober for 2 years.
DDay 1: 5/5/05
Found AFF account and some porn. He gaslighted me for 11 months.
DDay 2: 02/16/06
Found his new AFF account that he set up on Valentine's Day while my daughter and I were ill and staying with my parents so he could "work." Redoubled my efforts to prove that I was not crazy and that he was still screwing around. (Note: no diagnosis yet)
DDay 3: 4/11/06
Finally got confirmation of his secret email account, gained access and busted this whole thing wide open. His SA diagnosis came very shortly thereafter and he got sober on 8/29/06.
My turning point was sometime in about July of 2008. So it was over 3 years from initial Dday and very close to 2 years from his sobriety date that I could feel trust and begin to separate the man from the disease. Keep in mind this was with extensive counseling.
Fully intended to reply to all the newcomers too but my daughter just came to me saying she doesn't feel well and I touched her forehead and she's ON FIRE. Off to be a mom.
I'll be back when I can.
Love to all,
What a rollercoaster.
I haven't logged in in a while due to overwhelm from what we are dealing with. He now has nearly 60 days & we are both beginning our 4th step.
He has agreed to boundaries & formal disclosure & polygraph & that includes no contact with acting out partners.
He just told me his company requires him to go out of town & work closely with the woman he ended up in the bath with...the first time I discovered anything. His boss doesn't want me to go. I don't know what to do. It is part of his job & there are no jobs out there right now & he has to feed his children.
I know some men quit their jobs if they are willing to go to any lengths but what about his kids? He is already in bankruptcy.
I thought, for 3 years that my husband and I were intimate. That we had a connection... and that sex was... a culmination or product of these things. He told me the other morning that he sees how deeply sex affects me, that it is extremely emotional for me. He said he can see it written all over my face. He then proceeded to tell me that he doesn't feel any of that (OUCH) and that he wants desperately to feel it. He was so close to crying (this man never cries. Only seen it happen once, and tear up twice since we've been together.) At first I was calm and understanding. I had suspected something of this nature for awhile.
Later that afternoon, I lost it. It hurt. I wasn't sure how I was ever going to be able to have sex with him again, knowing that it was just sex to him and that there was no connection. I told him that I thought we were intimate, but I guess I was wrong, and he responded "It is intimate for you." My response was "How can it be? Intimacy is a shared thing."
He conceded and we moved on. Last night we had a knock down drag out fight about everything. Finally, after struggling to get him to finally understand where I'm coming from about his intent to cheat.... I broke down. I have never cried so hard in my life. I was drooling, and my nose was just.... well... it was messy. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I couldn't keep my head up anymore. WH tried to comfort me... wiped my face and nose.... I told him I was done trying to get him to understand. I think he thought I meant that I was done for good... done with the marriage. I assured him that I wasn't. I asked him how my breakdown made him feel, what he saw. He told me that he didn't realize until then, just how badly I've been hurt.
Anyway, so I don't end up writing a novel... we went to bed. I had an idea (been having a lot of those lately) and initiated sex with him (here comes the TMI part.) I knew I was taking a chance at getting hurt, because of the lack of connection. I did it anyway.
While engaged with him... I told him to tell me what he was feeling. He described his physical pleasure to me (again... knowing there was no attachment.) Then he asked what I was feeling. I began what ended up being a very emotional description of everything I was feeling, from physical to emotional.
As he got closer to.... his climax, he closed his eyes. I allowed it for a bit, and then when it was obvious he was at the point of no return, I told him to open his eyes and look at me. Twice. He did... confusion and what looked like pain crossed his face and out of nowhere... well... he finished. (I can't believe I'm posting all of this... but I need some kind of validation...) I saw it. I saw emotion all over him! I don't know if there was a connection between us (I would like to think so... I, of course, felt it) but this is a step in the right direction, I think. I was thinking this and he said "What was THAT??" He has never felt anything like that before. He said he felt fear, anxiety, exuberance and other things he couldn't put into words. EMOTIONS! Maybe not a connection YET, but once again.... BABY STEPS. I didn't get hurt. I felt overjoyed that he felt something, for once!
I don't have much advice. My husband seems similar to yours except he wasn't willing to get the help. Have you looked into SLAA?
I need advise on love addiction. My WH has finally come to terms with the fact he is an addict. It's rush of the hunt, the new relationship, the admiration not the actual act of sex that he is addicted to. We live in So. Cal. Anyone know of any good treatment programs for this? He said he is willing to get any type of help he can. Does anyone have any experience with this?
I've heard bad things about SLAA because it is full of women. Bad idea for men.
Seeking help: Do you know if your husband has any sexual abuse and/or dysfunction in his childhood? His lack of emotion/intimacy during sex most likely comes from somewhere and if you could try to communicate about why he has this issue, that would be the first step to solving your problem. Don't worry about TMI. I believe that's the only way to get people to understand the true problem. It helps no one to hold back. Good luck.
I am so sorry for your pain. I feel I may also be in your shoes one day and I truly cannot imagine it. The thing is, I already feel as though I lost my best friend and I think he no longer exists. It's so sad.
Hi...oh listen to these wise ladies...please...can you go to S-Anon? I also always tell women: what-would-you-want-if-this-was-your-daughter? You cannot tolerate this addiction..it WILL progress...read my sig. line...
Glad you found this forum...
[This message edited by flowermom at 9:42 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]
So sorry for your pain...I'm heading for divorce finally i think...am still processing all...WH is NPD also...
Forsakened/whatnowAZ: I haven't worked in 20 + years & am a SAHM also...no $$$, etc. i feel your same fear...but like 7 said...you would leave FOR your kids if need be...rather then keep them in a home w/ active sex addiction...
In the begin. my WH was "just into porn"...usually, this is all you KNOW about...I know that is hard to swallow...but it's true...
Brokenheart10: S. Calif. has Sexual Recovery Institute with Robert Weiss...if you can afford it...in L.A. AND tons of CSAT's...
Also, pm me...there are great S-anon groups in S. Calif.!!!!!
[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 9:48 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]
I feel like he needs to be SOBER before he can be w/ her...& prove it this time by polygraph! But this is so fecking tough for my daughter...she wants her dad...I'm so upset...my older dd won't speak to her dad until he truly turns his life around...as I just caught him again lying about everything & he has a girlfriend-hooker & never stopped acting out for very long at all...
WHAT would you do? How have some of you handles this if u were separated but the kids want to see their dad...?
PLEASE HELP ME...
I am in a similar situation, but our child is 20 months. I just meet him at the park or something like that so he can see his son or out to lunch or dinner. He doesn't like it, but I think he understands my point even though he wont admit it.
He is also an alcholic so if he shows up drunk or even close I tell him to leave and come back when he is sober. He gets angry, but what can I do? It's best for my son this way.
Thanks...that's what I'm thinking...but it's going to be hard cuz i know my dd will want to go places w/ him...
We met with MC today, and I told her that I needed to set boundaries for what he can and can't say to the kids about his addiction. I told her that I'm not really capable right now of having him share a new disclosure piece every day - I need him to talk to his IC and allow me the safety of MC to reveal more to me. He flew off on this tangent about not feeling safe if he can't communicate with me openly - it's like he can't understand that it's TOO MUCH for me to deal with right now!
MC and IC have recommended a treatment facility. The one I called today is $40,000 for 35 days. I'm a teacher, so that's pretty much my annual salary. How can we do this? Even if insurance covers some (which they told me most won't when it's SA - all other addictions they would cover!) I don't know how I can afford to do this!
He's attending IC frequently (almost daily right now) and is attending SA meetings at least three times a week - is that enough? What did your spouses do to recover?