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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 3
KGT_123
♀ Member
Member # 17881
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The CSAT my WH has been going to for the last two months is "pretty sure" WH is NOT a SA. This is after taking the on-line test and about 10 sessions where he went into detail on WH's FOO issues, etc.

How could this be?

Why does a man who has hit the marriage/family jackpot go off and have an A, lie to me and to the OW (he never told her he was married or had a child), have another A after I found out about the first one, go to IC for 1.5 years and then start trolling on AM looking for a discreet A partner?

How? Is it even possible SA is not in these cards?

Am I missing something here? I am not even sure how to proceed at this point. I did tell WH that I wanted to go to his next session with him so I can speak directly with the CSAT.

WH did say that no matter what he will continue to work with the CSAT to get the help he needs.


Me - BW (35)
Him - WH (41)
One Little Peanut - 2 years old
1-21-08: D-Day 1 - OW1
3-5-08: D-Day 2 - OW2
12-5-08: FULL DISCLOSURE from 1&2
4-23-09: Found WH trolling on Ashley Madison
4-29-09: D-Day 3

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NYC / Long Island
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KGT,

Does the CSAT have any other theories about your WH? I'm sorry. I know you must be so frustrated. It doesn't make sense to me. I think that is a good idea that you go to the next meeting.


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
KGT_123
♀ Member
Member # 17881
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you broken.

Of course, all the info I get is from WH and its second hand, so yes, I will be going with him next week. He is fine with that.

He said the CSAT said his issues are emotional and very likely not SA. I know WH's actions truly were not about sex but more about the thrill of the chase and the attention. I know this because he just isn't that sexual of a person, never has been. If he could have strung these women along and never had sex with them he would have done that. His perfect A partner would be someone he could go out to dinner with every night who told him how wonderful he was and stroked his ego the entire time.

So freaking weird. I can't stand this anymore.


Me - BW (35)
Him - WH (41)
One Little Peanut - 2 years old
1-21-08: D-Day 1 - OW1
3-5-08: D-Day 2 - OW2
12-5-08: FULL DISCLOSURE from 1&2
4-23-09: Found WH trolling on Ashley Madison
4-29-09: D-Day 3

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NYC / Long Island
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, keep in mind that just because one IS a CSAT doesn't make them a good one...ya know? You might have to try another...

Also, you are smart to GO talk to the CSAT yourself--SA's often lie & skew the TRUTH, of course! SA's will minimize their past & behaviors, etc. therapists can only deal w/ them insofar as they are actually telling the TRUTH...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I'm not firing with all my brain cells lately, KGT, but if your H is sexually aneorexic, but craving the chase as some type of pseudo-intimacy repplacement, it doesn't necessarily mean he's not SA. And the CSAT might be trying to work with your H to get to the root of the problem, what causes him to be that way. Many times it is abuse/neglect early in the SA's life. If the CSAT is working with him on getting to the root, that doesn't mean the CSAT doesn't think he IS SA. Just perhaps that the root cause is something else. And it is with most of these guys.

My H wasn't taught to be SA. He was taught that he was abusable, not good enough, only worth something if others told him so, and when they told him so. His SA was a "tool" he used to medicate the root problem.

If your H isn't very sexual and never has been and really didn't persue the AP's for sex, that doesn't necessarily mean he's not SA.

My H's A was wayyyyyy less sexual than our M, which was no where near sexual enough for me. Beause his childhood wounds ran so, so, so deep, H didn't trust anyone to be truly vulnerable with them, to be truly intimate as healthy sexuality requires. He persued but needed to control the distance in the A, too, and maybe moreso than in the M because he knew and trusted me somewhat, he didn't trust his AP at all.

Sorry, I'm really scrambled brained lately, so I'm not even sure that what I've said is very helpful.

Also, keep in mind that your H may not be being entirely open and honest with either HIMSELF or his CSAT yet. I think you talking to H's CSAT is a good idea.

-JW

[This message edited by JustWow at 11:46 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all! I'm backing way up to page 46 to start replies to everyone.

1 day at a time
said:

C has now sent H to a SA group but he doesnít really think he is SA. He has a really high sex drive and says he canít control himself with regards to affair. He does not care about consequences until way after the fact. He is also a chronic masturbator. But, I know of no history of porn or infidelity except this instance. For some reason, the C thinks he is SA. HELP please! Victim of incest, bipolar, Unfaithful and SA???

He doesn't have to look at porn or be unfaithful (even once) to be a sex addict. If a counselor made the diagnosis, I'd bet it's correct. The reasons I agree with the diagnosis:
~ Sexually abused
~ States that he "can't control himself"
~ Uses "high sex drive" as an excuse
~ Chronic masturbation

Also, he may or may not be bipolar. That is really tricky. Some bipolars are hypersexual when manic and it's mistaken for SA. Some SA's are very easily misdiagnosed as bipolar because of the way their acting out effects them. I myself was misdiagnosed as bipolar when my rSA was gaslighting me for 11 months. It is a VERY TRICKY diagnosis. My advice is that your husband go into therapy with a CSAT, not just group and not just a consult. He needs to see a CSAT for therapy. I'm glad to hear you're in counseling and it's helpful. Is your counselor versed in treating a spouse of SA? That is very important.
If you haven't already, please read my list of resources and avail yourself of them. ( https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/journal/default.asp?UserID=10198&View10=True )

I have read a lot of posts about people putting spyware/key loggers on their spouses computers. Can you guys give me some information about these programs; i.e., the best ones to use. Also, I do not have access to my husband's laptop. He has the entire thing password protected. Would one of these programs still be able to be installed on the laptop if I can't even log on to it? Please help!
First and foremost it is completely and utterly unacceptable that you do have full access to his laptop. SET A BOUNDARY. Demand the username and password. If he won't give them to you I think you should take the laptop and lock it in a safety deposit box until he is ready to offer full transparency. (Providing of course that the laptop is a personal one [owned by the two of you] and is not owned by the company he works for, if it's a business computer you cannot take it from him and you cannot load any software on it.) If he is not being completely transparent with you he is NOT in recovery. That right there should tell you that he's still hiding behaviors. If you want to load software to monitor and get more info, I recommend SpectorSoft.
~~~~~~~~~~~
flowermom
said:
My WH, SA is trying so hard, but does not think addiction counseling is needed.
Then he is simply "white knuckling" it and he is NOT "trying hard."
He thinks he has learned his lesson, and will not stray again. I am very afraid (no, I KNOW) he is hiding his head in the sand.
Yes, you KNOW. So what boundaries and consequences are you setting to protect yourself when he dives headlong back into his acting out? Because you know he will. Listen to your gut.
He thinks if things were livelier in the bedroom and "more Interesting" he would not have strayed or be tempted to stray. If I were not so "puritanical" he would not have gotten into the porn and hookers.
You know that is all a load of utter bullshit right??? This is HIS problem, not yours. There is NOTHING you could have done that would have changed things. HE IS A SEX ADDICT and sex addicts ACT OUT. Sure he wants to blame you but you know better. Don't ever take that on.
But now, his actions and words say that he is sorry and love me so very much. I believe he believes this- I believe he does love me- BUT after the shock of his father's death and the close call he had with divorce wears off, he will start to revert back to his old patterns. There are too many contradictions, too many questions and too many empty spaces. I love him, but I want to live more. He is killing me. Please let me know what you think. Am I wrong? Are my instincts failing me?
Right now he is NOT showing you with actions that he wants recovery because he is not seeking recovery! I'm sure he does love you and I'm sure he's sorry. But not for hurting you, (he's not there yet) for getting caught. If he is not in therapy with a CSAT and going to SA meetings and actively seeking recovery, he absolutely will start act out again, in fact, I can pretty much guarantee that he is still acting out, even if it is just masturbation right now. He is NOT sober and things will never change unless he chooses to get sober and into recovery. Your instincts are DEAD ON! Listen to your inner voice because it is 100% right on. Just look at what you went on to write:
I have fully come to the realization that with someone who is a SA, there is no real recovery or sobriety until there is full realization and comprehension of what they are doing and have done. These people, who we love so much, get into the throes of this addiction and are willing to compromise every belief and standard they have held for their entire lives for the "fix". They will use their wives, children, families, fortunes, and very own lives for that one objective- an orgasm. They will increase the risk of the behavior to increase the excitement and intensity. They are enslaved by their own bodies, and become liars, robbers and cheats. They will lie about anything to protect their way of life- and risk everything- even the health, safety and trust of the ones they love. It is and always will be part of their lives, a shadow which follows them wherever they go. Even in recovery and long term sobriety, this specter is forever at their side, waiting or an opening, a moment of weakness, an opportunity. The partner must be forever aware, vigilant, careful. Even the most careful, loving relationship will have this shadow. There is chance for love, for redemption, for healing. But the work is hard, long term and never ends. Am I willing to pay that price? I am not even sure he is serious about this. His denial of issues and refusal to go to groups or a CSAC leaves me with small hope. The last chance has been used. There are no more left.

Take care of YOU. Seek help for yourself. Find a CSAT for YOURSELF. Read the materials I post all over the boards. Set boundaries and consequences and stick to them. YOU are the priority. Take care of YOU. If he will not seek recovery, you have to save yourself. You cannot save him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SeekingHealing
Is your SA seeing a CSAT and going to group? Is he actively working a recovery program? Are you in counseling with someone who can help you with your codependency issues? This is not something you should be trying to figure out on your own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breaking these replies up, it's getting long.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OneTooMany?
WH is all over the place - manic and a know-it-all one minute, crying and depressed the next. He decided to tell my 13 year old son that he cheated on me while I was out with my daughter - my son called me from his cell crying his eyes out. I am so pissed at him for doing this!
His being a little nuts is normal. Him deciding it was appropriate to dump on your 13 year old is NOT!! He needs to discuss that with his CSAT and if you won't, you need to. This is very important!!! He's in a lot of pain but that does not excuse him using his son as an emotional dumping ground!!!! Please get your son into therapy with a good family counselor who understands addiction. Your son is at a crossroads right now. SA is hereditary (just like all addiction) and frankly he is extremely HIGH RISK especially since your husband can't keep himself under control. Depending on their ages, all your kids should be in counseling. They know more than you think they know.
We met with MC today, and I told her that I needed to set boundaries for what he can and can't say to the kids about his addiction.
His CSAT needs to work on this with him, as I said above. But yes you do have a right to set boundaries around that.
I told her that I'm not really capable right now of having him share a new disclosure piece every day - I need him to talk to his IC and allow me the safety of MC to reveal more to me.
This is a good boundary but you've got it a bit wrong. He does need to stop making you his accountability partner and emotional dumping ground. He need to use his CSAT and guys from a group for that. That's true. But as far as disclosure, he shouldn't be sharing during MC. (In fact MC is POINTLESS until he get sober and into recovery.) But what will need to happen is a formal disclosure when the time is right and your IC needs to be present. MaSH explains the formal disclosure process very well.
He flew off on this tangent about not feeling safe if he can't communicate with me openly - it's like he can't understand that it's TOO MUCH for me to deal with right now!
Stand your ground on this and keep setting boundaries, you are not his emotional dumping ground nor his accountability partner. Again, he needs to talk to his CSAT and find a GROUP! Attend another of his meetings with his CSAT and explain to the CSAT that your husband is using you and your children as his emotional dumping grounds and it needs to stop.
MC and IC have recommended a treatment facility. The one I called today is $40,000 for 35 days. I'm a teacher, so that's pretty much my annual salary. How can we do this? Even if insurance covers some (which they told me most won't when it's SA - all other addictions they would cover!) I don't know how I can afford to do this!
If you can't afford it, you can't afford it... but if you can it might be the best thing. I don't often see that recommended. His CSAT is recommending this? (He's with a male CSAT now right?) Is there a treatment center that will bill it as simply "addiction" treatment and not label it SA treatment? If your insurance covers "addiction" you may be able to get around that. Addiction is addiction.
He's attending IC frequently (almost daily right now) and is attending SA meetings at least three times a week - is that enough?
That is fantastic. It's good that he's going at all. My rSA never went with kind of frequency. The most was weekly CSAT and group. He's just really new to this and flipping out. Do you think it would help him to be in contact with my rSA? I'm sure my rSA would be ok with emailing with him. Maybe he can give him some advice and help him see how damaging it is for him to dump on you and kids and that he needs to use his CSAT and group (or my rSA) for that stuff. And to just give him a general pep talk from someone who will be 3 year sober the end of August. PM me if you want to exchange info so they can email.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KGT_123
said:
The CSAT my WH has been going to for the last two months is "pretty sure" WH is NOT a SA. This is after taking the on-line test and about 10 sessions where he went into detail on WH's FOO issues, etc.

How could this be?


Did the CSAT tell YOU this??? Or is this coming from your husband? If it's coming from your husband I wouldn't believe it. Call his CSAT and make an appointment to see him saying that you need his help in understanding SA recovery. When you get there ask him flat out if he told your husband he's not a SA. I wouldn't believe it until I looked the CSAT in the eye and he told me. Also, are you certain he is a CSAT? Did you check his credentials? Are you certain your husband has actually been seeing him? How did your husband respond to you saying you were going to go with him?
He said the CSAT said his issues are emotional and very likely not SA. I know WH's actions truly were not about sex but more about the thrill of the chase and the attention. I know this because he just isn't that sexual of a person, never has been. If he could have strung these women along and never had sex with them he would have done that. His perfect A partner would be someone he could go out to dinner with every night who told him how wonderful he was and stroked his ego the entire time.
You seriously need to check this counselors credentials and verify that he is an actual Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Have you looked him up on www.iitap.com ??? What you've written there, is absolutely a form of sex addiction. (in my opinion) I'm very concerned that your husband is not seeing a real CSAT. Oh and ScribblingMum makes some good points too. You don't know how honest your husband has been with he therapist either! JustWow also makes very good points.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
KGT_123
♀ Member
Member # 17881
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you SM, JustWow and 7 ~

I did get this particular CSAT referral from the iitap website. After doing some research on him he is well renouned where we live. He helped train the other 3 CSAT's in our geographic area. I know he is for real.

This leads me to believe that maybe WH is simply not telling the truth to the CSAT. He didn't tell the truth to his IC that he was seeing for 1.5 years. I have no idea what made me think he would start telling the truth now other than the fact that I told him me staying in this marriage is based only upon his getting help for what I am sure is SA. And I know WH does not want this marriage to end - I am his sugar mama, his confidant, his arm charm, etc. I make him look good.

JW - I wanted to add that WH's upbringing was not out of the ordinary. There was no abuse so far as I can tell. He adored his father and had a great relationship with him. He passed away 10 years ago. His Mom is a bit on the cold side and probably the most pessimistic women I've ever met but there was no physical or emotional abuse. She is a wonderful full time caregiver to our daughter (her one and only grandchild) so I do see first hand her interraction with babies/kids. WH grew up very middle class, private school, good colleges, sports, etc. So if this SA, I don't think it necessarily came from his upbringing... unless of course something else went on that he's never told anyone about.

I am so lost.

Maybe I need to see the CSAT by myself, without my WH.

I just don't know .


Me - BW (35)
Him - WH (41)
One Little Peanut - 2 years old
1-21-08: D-Day 1 - OW1
3-5-08: D-Day 2 - OW2
12-5-08: FULL DISCLOSURE from 1&2
4-23-09: Found WH trolling on Ashley Madison
4-29-09: D-Day 3

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NYC / Long Island
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KGT-
I'm glad he didn't have to endurea horrific upbringing. My H did. Everyone in his family attests to his father's violence and cruelty. So there was no secret there. But what took my H the longest time to open up with and admit to was the fact that he was sexually abused, as well.

From what I've read, it is pretty common for men to downplay, minimize, or just plain refuse to acknowledge sexual abuse. Maybe there is something there, maybe it is something else.

I'm glad you're confident in your CSAT, and maybe talking to him, and also letting him in on the fact that your H lied for quite sometime to his previous IC, will help lead you two on a better lit path.

-JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So if this SA, I don't think it necessarily came from his upbringing
Not all SA's are sexually or physically abused. My rSA was not. However, all sex addiction has it's roots in the person's FOO issues. Everyone has them. For SAs they are usually similar. But it does come from upbringing in a manner of speaking. All addictions do.
His Mom is a bit on the cold side and probably the most pessimistic women I've ever met
That right there speaks volumes. Is he seeking approval from women because he never got it from his own mother?

So, it sounds like the CSAT is legit. Which leads us back to whether or not your husband is being honest. Talk to the CSAT.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
lost_in_space
♀ Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all!

I'm new to this sextion. LOL. S-E-C-T-I-O-N. That was totally unintentional I'm leaving it.

My WH may be a SA and I personally am not totally convinced but will decide later. Still doesn't excuse anything though. I think for us, it comes across to me right now as an excuse. Maybe after some time I change my mind. Did anyone else think that their WS was using it as an excuse?


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone else think that their WS was using it as an excuse?
I think maybe we all did at one time or another.

I did, when my rSA was first diagnosed. Because I was still in the ANGER phase. Right where you are now. You're pissed and hurt and scared. We've all been there. The more hurt and scared you are, frankly, the more pissed you'll be. No one likes feeling hurt and scared (and weak.) Anger is easier because it gives us a false sense of power. I was stellar at being angry! We all have to go through that, it's just part of the process.

Like I said, I would surprised if there wasn't a spouse of a SA out there who didn't at some point think, "It's an EXCUSE!!" but then as time goes on if he seeks treatment, gets sober and works his recovery you will find that as "excuses" go, this one SUCKS.

If he is a SA, and if he genuinely chooses sobriety and recovery, he's in for a lot of really HARD work. SA recovery is NO PICNIC.

In all honesty, a man who cries SA and says "I can't help it!" Who then also doesn't seek treatment IS trying to use it as an excuse and will continue his sexual acting out. Choosing the addiction over recovery is the cop out.

Do yourself a favor and start your recovery now. He's going to do whatever he's going to do (I'm hopefully he'll seek recovery) but you need to focus on you.

Read "Mending a Shattered Heart" by Stefanie Carnes and "Don't Call it Love" by Patrick Carnes.

Find a CSAT and start therapy for yourself.

Use my list of resources, they really can help.

Keep posting! We're here for you.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,
For what it's worth, I saw the posts of you and your WH and my thoughts were he sounds SA.

I didn't buy that my SAH was either. 7yrs helped me keep an open mind and entertain the thought. While I had most of the info about the Affairs, I didn't realize how much of a secret my SAH's mind was.
The acting out (masturbating and porn) was a big shock. In my opinion, if SA is suspected and a spouse is aware of porn etc, then it is probably happening 3 times that amount when the SA is alone.

I not only thought it was an "excuse" I thought it was a damn selfish one! How dare he claim to be this poor guy who couldn't help it, while I went without!

I will fully back up what 7yrs is saying about how hard recovery is. Don't be surprised if he goes all in, and falters a bit when he realizes this is HARD.

MY SAH is just now beginning to seem like someone else to me, someone closer to healthy. More honest, open, vulnerable and REAL about his recovery. Even with that, he has so far to go.

Read, talk, and look for support for yourself. Its the only thing you can do to keep your own sanity through this.

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 3:49 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Don't know what happened! Internet filter went crazy on me)

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 3:46 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Don't know what happened! Internet filter went crazy on me)

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 3:46 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

again

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 3:47 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ugh

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 3:50 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry, apparently the submit button worked, even though my filter said it was blocked.

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 3:48 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAh still denies being a SA. He never used it as an excuse. He just always said he was bored, lonely, curious, angry.

He is very far into denial.

KGT -

He adored his father and had a great relationship with him. He passed away 10 years ago.
My STBXH also adored his dad. I never heard ONE negative thing about him, and my STBXH actually thinks he walked on water. His dad died a few years back, he can't talk about him without crying and missing him, but, after 4 years and speaking with others in the family, I found out his father was a sex addict also.

He cheated on his wife, made her do horrendous things sexually, showed my SAh porn from a very early age, and my SAh never, ever told me about any of that, and truthfully, I don't think he remembered it until it was brought up by his mom and sister.

He had totally blocked it out, and elevated dear dad to sainthood, when dear dad is the one that actually passed the disease down.

Also, just saw the last half of Dr Phil. He had a show on about sex addicts, the guy was very much in denial, but he had a doctor on, Dr Weiss, who was talking about how treatable this disease is if the patient is able to be honest with himself.

So, for those of you that are new at this, there is hope!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14912 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
scornedinsd
♀ New Member
Member # 24820
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 wanted me to post this here:

So, for reasons I won't get into here, I was on my H's computer last night and came across some disturbing stuff. Was I snooping? Of course. He is always minimizing chat windows when I am around. He does look at porn and I don't mind, but there have been times in the past where he gets caught up in chatting with this or that lady and neglects me/us (family) and I was wondering what the deal was this time.
Well, I found an email from a certain affair website (what kind of place has the motto "life is short. Have an affair"? Wow!). On this website I found emails from him to a woman who lives in a nearby town. Talk of how he gets no sex from me and needs to go elsewhere. Talk of getting a hotel room.

Now, we have had a bit of a dry spell. He didn't seem to want to touch me during my last pregnancy and I attributed that to worry about losing the baby as we lost another not long before getting pregnant with our son... this wasn't the case during my previous pregnancy. And since having our son I have been physically and quite frankly emotionally drained between caring for our kids, the house, and my business. I miss how we used to have sex 5, 6, even 7 times a week. I miss it a lot.

He doesn't even try. Sure, he will snuggle a bit once in a while, but his idea of getting things started usually involves stroking my breasts a teeny bit while focusing on himself if you know what I mean. With how fatigued and stressed I am, that just doesn't get me going. Period.

I also found email receipts for things he has paid for online. Site memberships, etc. Here I am, working my a$$ off for this extra money we SO need according to him (I make very little and would like to just quit and be a SAHM since we have 2 small sons and one has some minor special needs that require a lot of my time and attention). So this only adds to my anger. I have to work because he spends his money on porn. I probably wouldn't be as angry if he was still putting any effort into OUR sex life. $100 for sex video credits could have gone towards a hotel room for a night away from the kids... something I dearly need.

And the most angering part of all this is that this conversation on this affair website took place just 4 weeks after my son was born. I was still bleeding and recovering from birth! So his whining about not getting any... grrrrr!!!!!

I don't know what I am going to do yet. I have always said I have zero tolerance for cheating, but at the same time I am level headed enough to think this out. Lately I have been feeling a bit alone anyway, and without dragging this out with boring details, I feel extrememly unappreciated and just don't think he is very nice to me sometimes (not abusive, just not supportive at all and will blatantly ignore me when I am talking, etc). I could probably do better... but do I WANT to do better? Almost 10 years together, 2 children, MANY good times together.

I know things have been a bit dry lately between us between work stress for both of us, fatigue for me, and of course parenting small children... one an infant and the other having special needs. But I never would have suspected he would actually go looking for an affair and act on it. Never. Flirting with girls online I could handle, although I would still be upset since he spends that time and energy on them that he could spend on us and really help the whole situation since I wouldn't be as tired and stressed. This though, I don't know if I can handle it.

I have been reading on here and I also need to confront him about all this, but I am not making any major decisions for at least 6 months.

Thanks for listening. I am just so confused and all over the place right now.


**************************

Some more SA type stuff includes some things like when we were trying to get pregnant, and after 18 months of trying I found out that he was masturbating numerous times a day! Of course it was taking forever!! There were no swimmers left to get pregnant with!

He spends a LOT of time at night checking various porn sites, checking various porn subscription emails (photo a day type things), and chatting on yahoo.

The topic of SA has come up in the past for other reasons and HE was the one who brought it up.

I ordered that first recommended book and the one for the SA with the author with the same last name (both slip my mind at the moment). He will surely gripe that he doesn't have time to read it, but will have plenty of time for his online porn!

I typed out another thing like above to send to a friend, I didn't send it, but some things came up in it. I know he would never leave, and I know that if I left, he would be absolutely crushed. Seriously. I am talking suicidal type crushed. Even in the messages I saw, he was clear that he was looking for a no strings attached type of thing and not a relationship. Maybe I am crazy for thinking this, but I am pretty sure he wasn't looking to leave or anything.

Anyway, unfortunately, I think all that means I belong here.


Me - BS
Him - WH (probably SA)
Married 4 years
2 beautiful young sons
D-day - 7/14/09

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2009
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