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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 3
OneTooMany?
♀ New Member
Member # 24672
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((scornedinsd)))))

Your post made a huge impact on me. So many things reminded me of things with my WH. Mending a Shattered Heart will really help put things in perspective and is written in Q and A format in response to frequently asked questions. It's easy to navigate to the section that you need that moment.

You are a very strong woman and it seems you are very perceptive to what it going on with your H. The best hope for him is seeking sobriety through SA - if he's willing to do it, I believe there is hope. I have to believe that, because that's where I'm at right now.

There are many people here who can help you with understanding SA better than I can, but if you just need somebody to talk to who is right where you are at right now, feel free to PM anytime.

Peace ~ One


Married 13 years, betrayed many times. Have two wonderful kids and hoping we can still make this work.

"To love is not just to look at each other but to look together in the same direction." ~ Antoine de St. Exupery


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2009
sikkend
♀ Member
Member # 23698
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have done some reading on characteristics of SA and I was at the conclusion that mine is not... however, last night I remembered him telling me a while back that he often relieves himself at work. I don't know how often, he wouldn't give that information.

My D-day was april 16, I discovered he had been having sex with whores. SEven or so times in a year and 3 months, and I suspect it MAY go further back than that, although he denies it. I know using prostitutes is one sign. As is porn, and he gets porn (extreme close ups of young women's anatomy) in powerpoint presentations in his emails on a regular basis, and watches porn on his computer occasionally.

He signed up on adult friend finder and talked dirty with women on there for a few months, and I have no idea what he looks at on his work computer... however, when I found all this out I know he was using the work computer for it so I told him I informed his work of an employee using their computers for escort services and adult websites (I didn't really follow through).

Last night I asked him what it could be about being a mechanic that gets him so hot and horny that he needs to go to the washroom... he got angry and left for the night... please tell me, is this normal behaviour in men, does he sound like a SA? If he is, I'm sunk because he refuses to consider there might be something WRONG with him.... since our counsellors gave up on trying to help, saying he was too defensive and wouldn't look at himself for a second, just too busy pointing the blame back at me....

Please help. Last night's conversation bothers me, and his reaction sucked as far as I'm concerned...


Posts: 113 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Manitoba
Silla
♀ New Member
Member # 23443
Sad  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I have seen my IC 6 times in the last 2 months but I donít feel I am benefiting from these visits as much as I would like to. The first time I met with her, it was kind of interesting because I had to tell her my story for the first time but on our second meeting things became kind of repetitive for me and again she was kind of telling me her other patients similar experience and behaviors to justify my feelings.

Some times she asked me the same questions several times, that scares me and makes me question her ability to help me. I understand that I am 1 of many patients she has, but if she doesnít take any notes then this can be difficult for her to remember the many details I share with her .

I donít know what to expect from IC other than some clarity of my situation and to face reality. I donít even know what questions to ask her anymore. I just feel that we have covered everything but I donít leave her room thinking that I have gained something.

I know there are a lot of you who have had positive outcome from IC, please help me understand how get help from this service because I really need someone to help me understand this disease.


Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2009
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KGT:

I would go to the CSAT by myself without him for SURE...geez...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sik:
My H would take 3-4 showers a day! He also ALWAYS has taken forever for a GUY when he's in the bathroom for any reason--now i know WHY...

AND he was constantly running back into the bathroom when he got mad or me mad at him...only room he could appropriately lock the door & be alone...to act out...so sad...

I also always thought it odd that he mostly NEVER wears underwear under his jeans...espec. as the disease progressed...easier access I guess...he admitted to act. out in his truck a lot...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((scorndinsd)))
I'm so sorry, that is some really hard stuff to deal with, and it all sounds very familiar to me (as in my STBXH--who is a SA)

The porn, the escorts, the ignoring you, the frequent masturbating, and again, ignoring your needs just to take care of himself, seems like a lack of emotional intimacy, when he is not even listening to you at all.

Have you checked out any of 7yrs resources? I know you said you read a couple of books, I am guessing they are the ones by Patrick Carnes, he is a good author on this subject.

Is he ready for counseling? He truly needs to see a CSAT, and also, a 12 step program would be very helpful, as he sounds like he is pretty entrenched in his addiction and could probably use the added help of a support partner to keep him "real".

Other members will have more info and advice for you; hang in there, you are not alone!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14901 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silla - you need an IC that you are comfortable with, but, also, I did not like mine at the beginning because I didn't think she was doing a very good job. It took almost 3 months for a good breakthrough, but then, I understood where she was going with things.

You can outright ask her what her plan is for helping you. I was seeing mine initially for ptsd, and didn't feel I was getting better, so when I asked her, she explained we were doing cognitive therapy, which is talking about something over and over and over and reasoning it out, until my brain finally accepts the reality instead of the fears.

Your IC may be asking the same questions over and over because she is wanting YOU to recognize something. Just don't be afraid to ask her.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14901 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sikkend - that is not normal behavior for normal men. That IS normal behavior for sexually addicted men, though. Although you really cannot make a true diagnosis without a CSAT, there are usually an awful lot of signs that can help you make a good educated guess.

He is using sex as a stress relief, and as a coping mechanism, and when you or the counselor tries to point things out to him, he becomes really defensive. If he had nothing to hide, he would not become defensive. (I'm so sorry!)

Did you read any of the resources listed on this thread, by the other members, and especially 7yrs has a whole list typed up?

Being a mechanic does not mean you have to go to the washroom to "relieve" yourself several times a day.

It isn't his job. It is him.

And, he is scared. He doesn't want to face it, because he doesn't want to lose the only coping mechanism that he knows.

I really don't know how to help him see his problem, and acknowledge it, and get help for it. I couldn't help my STBXH, he is too scared to give his up.

Counseling usually helps, but only if the patient is open to listening and acknowledging his problem, and it sounds like from your post your H is not. I don't know, but if he continues counseling, and the counselor and you keep putting the evidence in front of him (in a gentle way), maybe something would finally hit home for him.

I know the other members will have better advice on where to go from here, good luck with this, know you are not alone, and please remember to take care of yourself thru all this!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14901 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
1 day at a time
♀ New Member
Member # 24787
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 years betrayed - thanks for all of your advice. I have already purchased MASH and it's enlightening.

I need help...

WH went to SIA (sexual incest anonomous)meeting last night and someone told him about SLA (sex and love addicts anonomous). He seems to think he fits more into this category than SA. Does anyone know if there is really much of a difference? I am wondering if WH thinks he is "love addicted" to me and that's why he is unable to cut the strings in our relationship. Whereas, in counseling, they have been suggesting (strongly) that he is SA and that is why he has relationship with OW. This is all so confusing.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Philadelphia
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SLA (sex and love addicts anonomous). He seems to think he fits more into this category than SA. Does anyone know if there is really much of a difference?

Yes there is a difference. For one the SLAA meetings are FULL OF VULNERABLE WOMEN. They are "open" meetings meaning that men and women attend. Also, they do not have a good policy about what sobriety actually is, they are far too lax (so is SAA).

If he genuinely wants to get sober and into recovery he needs to go to SA meetings (Sexaholics Anonymous) their website is www.sa.org. Their meetings are "closed" which means they are MEN only. That is vital to recovery.

Also, it is my opinion that any sex addict who chooses to attend SAA or SLAA instead of SA when SA meetings are available is doing so because they think they can manage and enjoy their addiction instead of actually working a program and getting sober.

Of course this is just my opinion.
7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 7:00 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imnot sure if I mentioned I was going to be going on vacation. well, here I am with my two youngest children in one state away. My WH is home with our son who is 14. so far things have gone well. He checks in frequently and he is with our son every night. Well, that is until my son got invited to the midnight showing of "Harry Potter". I knew this was gonna be an issue. So, wouldnt ya know, my WH went MIA for about 2 hours. I called home and talked to my SIL and she siad my WH went out to check out the scene at the theater...and then he wasnt answering his phone when I called( about 6 times). So, she texted me when he came home around 1 am and he calls me and pretends he was asleep. I txt him that I knew he was out and he started to argue but I hung up. He then txts all night about how he wouldnt do anything to hurt me and that he knew I'd be mad that he went out. Problem is he is still lying and I know that. He had also just been to his IC earlier in the evening. I havent answered any of his calls and he started getting a little frantic. He sent texts of "I love you" and "I wouldnt hurt you" "please call me". I feel so DONE! I just wanna walk away. My poor son also told me that when his Dad picked him up from the movie at 2am he wasnt wearing his wedding ring...AM I CRAZY???? how can he continue to lie to me? He says he wants this marriage, and that he is changing. But my intuition has almost always been spot on! I know he was up to something!!! What do you think???

I want so bad to have the courage to walk away, I feel Im closer than ever before...


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatnowaz
You are not crazy. Always, always, always trust your gut!!! I agree that he was off doing something he shouldn't have been.

Has he admitted he is a SA? Is he seeking any kind of treatment or recovery?

If he will not face his addiction head on and get help you're going to have to decide what you're going to live with. Do you want to live this way?


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Silla
♀ New Member
Member # 23443
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the thoughtful advice NaiveAgain. I will definitely ask her how she is planning to help me. I just feel that I am not making any progress at all. It has been 10 months since DDay , and intellectually I know that I have learned a lot about SA and its consequences but I just have hard time accepting it making it part of me no matter how hard I want to.

I have hard time separating him from his past behaviors; I feel they are one and the same. I feel he did it to me and he believes he did what he did because he was sick. I canít look at his face and not feel he is responsible for my sadness and he is capable of hurting me again. I just feel so hopeless ad sad most of the time and I donít want the rest of my life to be like this at all.


Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2009
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatnowaz:

I read your profile...yes, he sounds like a sex addict & is just repeating patterns, my H. also took his wedding band off A LOT..claiming it got too tight (he does construction)...the same cell phone bullshit, etc.

You don't say if you've been to counseling, S-anon, etc...????

My H. also said he'd "never do anything to hurt me on purpose..."

Scary thing is: SA is progressive...my H. has a seared conscience now i believe...ONCE he crossed the line to massage parlors/acted out in person, 2 years ago...he has become a totally different man...

Dead Soul...using everyone & everything...this WAS a man who adored his wife (me for 20 years before line was crossed) & was a fabulous father...

He's now had a free "relationship w/ a massage girl-hooker for about 1 year...even while going to recovery/counseling...but SHE is supposedly using/marrying some rich John so she can get her green card !!!...dumbass husband told me that yesterday!

TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS...and POLYGRAPH!

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 12:32 AM, July 17th (Friday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silla
I just feel that I am not making any progress at all. It has been 10 months since DDay , and intellectually I know that I have learned a lot about SA and its consequences but I just have hard time accepting it making it part of me no matter how hard I want to.

10 months is a VERY short amount of time in the process of recovery. VERY SHORT. Are you seeing a counselor who really knows SA? It doesn't have to be a CSAT but sometimes that helps. The key is finding a counselor who really knows how to treat codependents. Also, I just reread your post. Your counselor doesn't take ANY notes? You have to repeat yourself because she can't remember what you've discussed??? Honey, fire her and find a better counselor. A good counselor will take LOTS of notes and refer back to them. I've been to a lot of counselors and the best ones were the note takers. In my honest opinion, you really need to find a CSAT or at least get a referral to someone from a CSAT. I think at least part of the problem here is a bad counselor.
I have hard time separating him from his past behaviors; I feel they are one and the same. I feel he did it to me and he believes he did what he did because he was sick. I canít look at his face and not feel he is responsible for my sadness and he is capable of hurting me again. I just feel so hopeless ad sad most of the time and I donít want the rest of my life to be like this at all.

I didn't have a major breakthrough in my recovery until last summer. Over 3 years from our initial Dday. THREE YEARS. All the books say that 5 years is about the average.

The point at which I turned the corner and actually began trusting again, when I was able to look at him and separate the man I love from the disease didn't happen until last summer. At that point he'd been sober for 2 years. SOBER. Sober means NO sexual acting whatsoever. No masturbation. Real sobriety.

Is your SA sober? Is he seeing a CSAT (or IC)? Is he in a group? Is he working the steps? Does he have his 6 month chip? This is very important because I don't think the spouse can really begin to heal until her SA is sober and in recovery for a minimum of 1 to 2 years. It takes that long just to begin to trust the sobriety. That is also how long it takes the SA to be able to genuinely hear your pain and not be defensive.

My Timeline:
DDay 1: 5/5/05
Found AFF account and some porn. He gaslighted me for 11 months.

DDay 2: 02/16/06
Found his new AFF account that he set up on Valentine's Day while my daughter and I were ill and staying with my parents so he could "work." Redoubled my efforts to prove that I was not crazy and that he was still screwing around. (Note: no diagnosis yet)

DDay 3: 4/11/06
Finally got confirmation of his secret email account, gained access and busted this whole thing wide open. His SA diagnosis came very shortly thereafter and he got sober on 8/29/06.

My turning point was sometime in about July of 2008. So it was over 3 years from initial Dday and very close to 2 years from his sobriety date that I could feel trust and begin to separate the man from the disease. It was at this point in his recovery when he was finally able to hear me release all my anger, fear and pain at him and he could absorb it and not be defensive. So, a lot of it hinged on him, his recovery and his ability to relate to me. None of this could have happened without his sobriety which gave him much clearer thinking. Once he'd been sober and working his recovery for 2 years, the way he responded to me was very different. Part of the issue was his inability to genuinely HEAR my pain. Hear it and absorb it and just let me express it. It took 2 years of sobriety, seeing a CSAT and going to group for him to learn not to be defensive when I was hurting. So really, THAT was the turning point. It was when he could just let me express all the pain. All the anger. All the hurt. All the resentment... and just absorb it and take responsibility for his actions that caused it with no defensiveness. When he was able to show remorse with ZERO defensiveness. That was when I was able to move out of the victim role.

He didn't do this TO me. He did it, let me be clear, and he is RESPONSIBLE for it and as I've explained before, I do NOT absolve him for what he did. I accept his addiction as a disease. I accept that when he was using he made bad choices without thinking about me (which, for me, means that he didn't do it TO me.) I realized that at that point being angry at him for what he did TO ME wasn't helping ME. I had to take responsibility for my shit and get on with MY recovery.

My advice: Read the books. Make sure your counselor is qualified to treat codependents (specifically of SAs). Look at HIS recovery, he may need more time, but if he is in recovery and genuinely working the program you may need to just keep plugging along.

The reality of SA recovery is that the wife is RARELY in the same place as the SA. This is discussed in MaSH quite a lot. The wife's recovery is usually behind her husband's. He has to reach a certain level before we feel safe enough to drop our victim role and move forward.

I hope that is helpful.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1 day at a time
♀ New Member
Member # 24787
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"7",

I must say you seem to be in a really good place right now and I love reading your posts. They are empowering.

I am very uncertain what my expectations should be from WH at this point in time. My IC says she will support me whether I choose to stay or choose to go but I need advice from people who have been there.

I found out about his affair 8/28/08. He began IC in 10/08, Diagnosis of bipolar(???) orig. 6 years ago and again shortly after beginning IC. Disclosure of childhood sexual abuse (his father) came in 5/09, started bipolar meds 5/09 and IC stressed probability of SA and referred to CSAT/group, etc. WH attended first SA meeting one week ago. During all this time, he has still continued relationship with OW (of course lying to me about it). He says he has ended it at times but always goes back to it (and she's always there waiting). I guess at this point, he has not even begun recovery yet, but I am not sure what my expectations should be. I have told him that I am not sure I can continue to remain with him. I've been through a lot over the last year and it has really taken its toll on my psyche and my children, especially how I relate to them. I understand WH is going through tremendous suffering right now with abuse flashbacks. He feels like he has nothing, his life has completely fallen apart, etc. I also think that his priority and that of his IC is his sexual abuse recovery. He has asked me to not give up on him but I just don't know what to do. He is addicted to his relationship with this OW and right now I don't feel like that is ever going to change (though logically, something probably has to give at some point). How does a person remain with a partner when they know that person has an OW? Right now, he says he is sexually celibate (because of going to SA and SIA). Don't really believe that though. Don't believe much that comes out of his mouth.

BTW, almost 3/4 through MASH and it is helpful. I still very confused about setting boundaries though.

I'd really appreciate any advice anyone could give. Thanks.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Philadelphia
Hope and Faith
♀ Member
Member # 14757
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to you all that invited me here from GC. A little of my background is in my profile, but here's the timeline.

Prior to marriage: 2002- I knew about porn. Had no problems with it because I didn't know it was an addiction. Not until we had our first child did I decide I was not cool with it and didn't want it in our house or on the computer. I did find him sneaking a few times. He would admit to slipping and promise to stop. That happened a few times but I thought it was "just a guy thing."

May 2007 - DD#1 Found secret email account that WH left open while he used bathroom next to the office. It only took him 10 minutes to admit after making lousy lies trying to cover. First claimed that he didn't do anything, but was just "looking", and later on in the day after more questioning, he admitted to seeing prostitutes about 5 or 6 times in 3 of our then 5 yrs of marriage. That has been all he ever admitted to, truth or not. I don't know.

In R for past 2 years- I required immediate IC and MC. We each did IC first, and then did MC together. I eventually stopped IC about 5 months later, MC around that time also stopped. Things seemed to be going well. He continued to see his IC for at least another 6 or 7 months. His IC brought up SA and made suggestions regarding it, but H said that he didn't have the same problem, he didn't relate, and thought the IC had just run out of ideas with him. We went along fine for a long while. We were very happy.

July 2007- After a year of feeling really good about R, 2 yrs after first DD, WH starts getting more irritable, hostile, blaming me for things, picking fights, not at all his usual self. I just suspected stress at first or need to go back to IC for OCD or depression issues he is being treated for. Eventually we get into a screaming fight from me asking for MC and he responds with why don't you go to IC yourself - you need the help. I stormed out for an hour, came back to put kids to bed, and he went to bed shortly after. I go up to bedroom to ask him a question and see him with his cell phone on - he says "playing a game." I grabbed the phone and threw it downstairs enraged just knowing what it was. I took his phone and said I needed to have it as part of our R and transparency and I would be keeping it awhile. He tried to bluff and say OK. but I could see he was worried. An IM came from some chick calling him honey or something like that. He tried to say he gets spam all the time! He came back down after about 5-10 min and admitted to it. He admitted this time he thinks he has SA. He thinks he just denied it before, but he believes he can't control it. Something triggers and he feels compelled to seek out a BJ or whatever with a stranger.

Now he is out of our house while I think. He is staying at a hotel...not the safest of places for an SA if you ask me, but he says he has no place else to go.

Feeling very confused right now. Wish I knew why he was this way. Have some concerns about having an SA in the house with a 3 and 4 year old. Not sure it's rational or not. I'm confused by the feelings that I'm not really shocked by this second DD, and the fact that I want to still be with him. I do still love him, but feel guilty that I also don't want to break up our family and home,because I love what we have together as a family. We are each other's best friend.

Question1: Is having him stay in a hotel right now a bad move?

Question 2: Is being married to an SA mean I'm codependent? Because, honestly, everything I've read about it doesn't sound like me at all. Maybe I just don't understand what it means. Maybe I'm in denial this time?

Question3: do any of your family members/friends know about the SA?

He just emailed me about a "beginnings" workshop. Something from a CSAT...Anyone hear of it?

He and I are going to a concert tonight. Is that crazy? We've had the tickets for months.

I need to get MASH to read. I will order today.


FBW 41
FWH 39

Committed to R?
DD#2 now...not sure


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope and Faith:

Question1: Is having him stay in a hotel right now a bad move?

Not necessarily. From what you've said, he acted out at home, so, WHERE he is staying is not really the issue. The issue is sobriety and recovery. And there probaably is a little voice in you that says if he were home, at least you'd be able to know what he was up to. It isn't the case.

If you need the space for your well being and safety, then take it. He either will embrace sobriety and recovery or he won't. You have to take care of your own recovery, and make no mistake, you need it. Just the trauma of discovering this alternate reality that has been your life takes some recovery. Learning boundaries and their enforcement takes work. You will get sick of hearing it, but YOUR RECOVERY IS IMPORTANT!!!

Question 2: Is being married to an SA mean I'm codependent? Because, honestly, everything I've read about it doesn't sound like me at all. Maybe I just don't understand what it means. Maybe I'm in denial this time?

I'm not a big believer in the idea that for every addict there is a co-addict, or a codependant. I do not think this is true. But don't get too hung up on the labels. What is probably MORE important is getting really honest with yourself and identifying co-dependent, or co-addictive behaviors you have used and working on them.

I've discovered that I just absolutely suck at taking actions to enforce my own boundaries. I know what good healthy boundaries for me are, I can communicate them clearly to others, but when they get violated I just get dumbstruck that someone violated my very clearly marked boundary. I have NOT been good at making myself take the next step of appropriate action to defend my boundary.

That is a co-dependant behavior. It doesn't make me a co-dependant, but it gives me something to work on to help ME take care of ME.


Question3: do any of your family members/friends know about the SA?

My boss, who is also a licensed family counselor, and a priest knows. No one else. If you are looking for support and a lifeline from the isolation of bearing this alone, I really, really, really recommend finding an S-Anon group. It can really be an oasis in the desert to talk to real live people who have walked this same path. Google em.


He just emailed me about a "beginnings" workshop. Something from a CSAT...Anyone hear of it?

We're planning on starting in something similar beginning in Sept. (if chemo doesn't get in the way) that my H's CSAT runs a couple of times a year for couples going through SA recovery. I'm looking forward to it, and would like to hear any feedback anyone who has attended such a thing has.

He and I are going to a concert tonight. Is that crazy? We've had the tickets for months.

Not crazy.


I need to get MASH to read. I will order today.


YES! YES! YES! YES!


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3551 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 day at a time

Your expectations for your H should be your own, but I will tell you if it were me (and I WAS you at one point a couple of years ago), would not be with him if he had an OW, that just plain isn't my idea of M. I prefer my M's with only 2 people involved. I would NOT live under the same roof with him if he weren't sober and actively, enthusiastically, and honestly working a recovery program.

To me, those are some pretty clear boundaries FOR ME. I simply COULD NOT nor WOULD NOT be safe under those conditions. As an adult, my number one job is to be self-responsible, and living in a relationship like that would be masochistic.

Welcome to our little corner of SI.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3551 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
1 day at a time
♀ New Member
Member # 24787
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just Wow

Thanks for your advice. One of the problems is that he says at this moment there is no relationship with OW. He is only one week into being labeled SA and starting meetings. I feel sexually safe because "we" are abstaining. So far, that is the only bounday that I have been able to stick to. I have told him that I will not be married to someone who has a sexual/emotional/whatever you want to call it relationship with OW. But, isn't that part of what SA is about?


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