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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
BetsyBG
♀ Member
Member # 13920
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for opening this thread :)


BW-49
STBX-49
together 33 years, married 24
most recent D-day 5/26/10
separated 12/5/10
financially-motivated UN-separation to come mid-January, 2011
trying to R, or at least happily coexist

Posts: 4436 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Chicago-ish
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeap thanks, let me find all my old posts.

Perimenopause, ADs and anti-anxiety drugs really kill a libido.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Dagny07
♀ Member
Member # 16928
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks here, too. I've been reading the other thread & trying to work up the courage to post & have FWH read.

Tho I think we're both interested...we're just skeered...


Me:BW Him: FWH E/A
M: 29 years, together 36 : both guilty of PAs 20+ years ago
CDay#1 Oct 06 (false); DDay#2 Oct 07 (truth from OW's BH)
R: Tenaciously optimistic

Posts: 821 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another member of the sub-club of the best club no one wanted to join!

ADs are a sex life killer, no doubt about it. It's finding the lesser of the evils, since depression can be a killer or just simply suck all the light and air out of a home. Uggh!

I'll toss out something we're going to try on the advice of FWH's shrink. First, let me preface by saying FWH has tried every medication out there. I mean EVERYTHING. So that's where we are at; no choices left until the pharmaceutical companies crank out something new. Second, I'll add that this new shrink (he's had several) has been described as "the smartest doctor I've ever known" by two mental health professionals who've been in it a long time and whose opinion I really take to heart. The shrink is really into Eastern healing traditions and in other words isn't bound to the Merck Manual.

Now comes the crazy "as seen on TV!" part...which is to say that if I heard this from came from anyone other than this brilliant doctor, I'd immediately discard: He told FWH that he might try this product called Zenorx in combination with ginseng.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, folks: I ordered some off eBay the other day, a 30 day supply I think it is. We'll see. I figured I'd mention it, either as a hot tip or if it doesn't work at all, I can maybe save someone a few bucks. But obviously I'm really (reeeeeeeeeally) hoping for the former!


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3773 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can the person not interested in sex post here? I'm the FWS and I'm really struggling.

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
rottenkitty
♀ Member
Member # 18247
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Kwills, it's open to both WS and BS....please post!

Posts: 251 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
hawthorne_08
♀ Member
Member # 17687
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, April 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our situation, I don't think there is non-interest as much as there if fear. Now, the intimacy is real which includes vulnerability, honesty, openness - all these *new* realities culminate in one action. For us, we are afraid.


FWW
I am married with R on top
Me: 42
H: 43
DDay: 11/10/07

Remember that STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.


Posts: 3487 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Think Rice-a-Roni
trahi
♀ Member
Member # 21636
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for this thread.

considering the last post I started about this subject was titled something like "he's not that into me, is he?" I'm thinking this thread is the place for me.

what I really can't figure out is if it's sex with me or just sex in general that WH isn't interested in now.

[This message edited by trahi at 8:56 PM, April 27th (Monday)]


me - BS


Posts: 1359 | Registered: Nov 2008
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in. FWH is not depressed or on AD's. No porn on computer. He still has sexual desire as I know he is taking care of his own business. So that only leaves once conclusion - he isn't interested in sex with me.

So why? In my eyes I assume he may still be in contact with OW, but haven't seen any signs of it. When asked, he says why does him being in contact with OW have to be the only reason?

Well... because if not then you are just down right rejecting me and that is even more traumatic. He says he doesn't know why he isn't interested in sex with me. Last MC he said maybe it was because it would make him vulnerable and I am like okay...but I am the BS...how vulnerable do you think I am?

I am just at a loss...I'm feeling pretty down.

I posted in the R forum and someone told me about this thread. So I am glad I have some place to go.

It has been two years for me. The first year I didn't even notice because I was under so much stress dealing with a family member. The second year was after the A...you bet I notice now. When I told H we needed to have sex he was pissed and said, "Now, you want to have sex?" As in why didn't I want to have it before.

I'm just lost. If we can't get the sexual intimacy in line how do we expect to have full intimacy.


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA - would love to hear from WS who are not depressed or SA's, but still have desire, just not with BS.


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
trahi
♀ Member
Member # 21636
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got so many potential issues going on that trying to pick one specific reason WH wouldn't want to have sex with me seems kinda pointless.

I guess it's time to try to talk to WH about it, again. But last time I did most of the talking, and while we did end up having some good sex that night, it didn't take long to realize that nothing has really changed.


me - BS


Posts: 1359 | Registered: Nov 2008
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lookinforward,

You might not want to discount the "too vulnerable" factor your WH shared.

My spouse is a sex addict, but I have only known that for 6 months.

Most of our marriage my WH would give me every reason in the world for the lack of sex. Work stress, kids, money, sick....
I had no idea there was porn usage. NO idea he took care of his own business EVER.

Regardless what your WH's reasons for no interest, sex is intimate. If someone is afraid of being vulnerable, they are expressing a fear of intimacy. Why? FOO issues?

I asked my WH many time "what is so wrong with me that you wouldn't even USE me?!!"

FEAR

Your WH actually admitted it. Go with it.
Whatever the "reason" in the big picture; He is afraid.

I know it sounds so contradictory, but think about it:
Affair sex is NOT intimate, they can have sex without being vulnerable. It isn't as real as a wife will be, especially a wife that cares enough to try to R!

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 3:07 PM, April 28th (Tuesday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Top Jimmy
♂ Member
Member # 20566
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, you guys knew I'd be here sooner or later!

Soooo many familiar names.

Well, we're still No Sex, nine months after the A (at least she didn't get preggers!), and I'm dealing with it by NOT TAKING IT PERSONALLY. I'm living anyway.

If she is not into a great catch like me, something is amiss!

It doesn't suck less this way, but we have a pretty good thing otherwise since her BiPolar is being taken care of a bit and we actually talk and communicate about stuff.
Except the sex issue, which makes her wierd. She has SA issues she won't deal with, so that's probably it!


Best to all of you, and take care of yourselves.
I want sex so bad I can taste it sometimes, but it is not air, food, or water, so I can live for now.


Me: BS 42
Her: WS 43
Kids: 11. 14
A-Day: 4/1/03?
D-Day: 8/8/08
D-Day, the sequel: 10/20/08
D-Day 3-D!!!! this is getting old, quick... 4/10

Posts: 231 | Registered: Aug 2008
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, y'all, for comic relief I just thought I'd post that the Zenorx I bought off eBay arrived yesterday. Holding off on giving it to FWH b/c he has a huge credentialing exam on Monday and Lord knows we don't need to be messing w/his chemistry at such a critical time!

But what's comical is that the seller noted that there'd be a "special bonus". Yay! Yay! right??

Oh my goodness: the package arrives and the bonus turns out to be this totally gnarly deck of nudie girl playing cards featuring --well-- you know... With kids in the house and a FWH who couldn't even benefit from them w/o reaching for his reading glasses, I decided to run 'em through the shredder (not exactly a Goodwill donation item, after all).

I did save out one, though, to share for laughs w/FWH: this photo of this woman who was like a circus freak by choice with these giant deflated soccer balls implanted on her chest. Grrrrrross! I mean, really: who finds that attractive??? It looked bizarre and I don't mean b/c of the size, I mean because of the freaky way her tatas were all huge in the midsection and then narrowed quite notably when attaching to the the body. And someone thought that was attractive and 'hot' enough to photograph and paste on a playing card???

Anyway, just a diversion and/or warning post (in case anyone decides to order Zenorx off eBay like me!).

[This message edited by sad12008 at 9:33 PM, April 28th (Tuesday)]


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3773 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

um... sad... that is pretty funny. Perhaps you could have suggested a game of strip poker before you shredded them


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else want to chime in on this subject?

Anyone getting no sex at all? If so, reasons?


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
trahi
♀ Member
Member # 21636
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, May 1st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish some of the Ws would pop in here. I'd really love to hear their perspectives.

I just don't know whether I should back off or push with WH on this subject. I don't understand where his mind is right now and in past conversations, he hasn't been able to really explain it either.

I think a part of WH wants (needs?) to be pursued like the OW did, but in my mind that makes it all about him again. And I'm past tired of it being all about him.


me - BS


Posts: 1359 | Registered: Nov 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 1st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a FWW over 2 years out.

I just post this in response to Top Jimmy's thread in Recon.

I became asexual over 1 year.

He has a sense of humor and he even made a joke during summer in front of the kids saying "Oh it's hot, open your legs honey, because it is cold like fridge"

After I He-toxed xOM from my system, and I had to cut off all sexual contents Tvs, movies, because they triggered me and send me to the opposit direction and didn't help. I stopped wearing clothes that makes me look attractive, too. I felt like I was having a celibacy from those dark days.

Emotional connection(doing things together) helped me becoming more physical connection, too. Also not feeling being pressured also helped. At the same time, I read those sexual healing books, and get my physical checked.


After 1.5 years out, I finally feel like I am a virgin for my H again.

We never had HB. As you saw my other thread in Recon, it was a big deal for us that I initiated it.

I will keep reading healthy intimacy and sexuality for our sexual well-being.

Good luck and hang in there.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, May 2nd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else want to chime in on this subject? Anyone getting no sex at all? If so, reasons?


Well, let's see...

"because I need a shower and I don't feel like taking one now." (And he didn't until 15 minutes before he had to leave for an appt)

"maybe later, I ate too much dinner" (Later he's throwing up in the bathroom because "he ate too much dinner")

"I just got sick, not really in the mood"

"Tired"

"Sore"

"Beat"


And these were all this week.

[This message edited by weepy at 10:55 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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