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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch!! This bruise on my head, from banging it against the wall, is killing me. I've tried hinting, I've tried talking, I've tried yelling, and she still doesn't get it!! I need her to initiate, and I need her to give me more then she gave them. I know I can't back the ultimatum, otherwise, I'd already be gone. The more I do for her, the less she seems to give, I hate this shit.

You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
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Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, looking back....I should have spent way more time on me than I did on "US"....because I WAS THE ONLY ONE SPENDING TIME ON "US"...I am sure a lot of you know what I mean.

Yes, I too was the only person working on now I am just focusing on me. I am trying to be pleasant and showing him attention, but I am done asking for sex. Last MC session I said, there is nothing left for me to do...this is his problem and he needs to figure out what is wrong if he wants to fix it.

Several times I have said I don't know how long I can go on like this and said I have to figure out if it would be better to end our M. And he asks if that is what I want... and of course I say no. Sometimes I wonder if he wants me to end it because he can't...but he says no that is not what he wants. But why would he continue to act in such a way that it will drive me away?

~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
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Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, August 14th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say that I have been sooooo pained over our lack of sex and he was so loving and kind and understanding and all the right things,,,,just found out that HE NEVER quit affair so he just covered his tracks better. No sex wasn't shame or lack of desire ,,,it was all lies again. I would have sworn we were in R. He was going to payphone to call her,,can you imagine I didn't even know they still existed. I believed him once again and this time he covered it really well. I blamed me for lack of sex and he would talk and talk and all the right things,,,even went to therapy for a while,,,he lied lied lied,,,I am not devestated any longer I am that I feel hate he wants to make it up to me,,,,,,,hahahahahaha People capable of hurting others this way know no boundaries,,,,,I finally get it,,,people here mentioned that was probably the case,,wish I would have listened. Pay attention,,,I never suspected...a true person who loves you and wants to R is wanting YOU and Needing U and loving U. GET IT

him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
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Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, August 17th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading this forum for the last 30 minutes. This is really the lonely hearts club. The rejection of no sex, whether for a BS or a WS, is just too much. When I read these posts and realize there are so many folks that I don't read posting elsewhere, you kind of feel this is the dead-end road.

Lack of sexual affection is such a cruel, isolating problem. A's taint the water so much, then having a lack of sexual follow-through, that's just plain belittling.

I hope my sex life improves. So far, nope. Combined with her indiscretion/s, it might be too much for me to take. I guess time will tell. Don't know how long I can take a duty-sex marriage.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
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Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, August 20th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so, in discussing this subject with the guys (betrayed men) I decided that maybe it is my voice, or the way I'm saying it, so, I sent her the link to the forum. Maybe she'll read it, maybe she won't. Maybe it will help, maybe it will get worse. Who knows.

You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
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Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, August 21st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I think we may have made a move in the right direction. After telling him last night that I was about done, that I feel nothing when we kiss, and asking him why he would want someone that he loves to feel this way day after day...asking him what I did to him that he feels he has to make me feel this way...... After all that was said and done, he made a dr appointment and will be going in this morning. He has always said it's not me, I'm beautiful....etc, etc. I think he finally sees the writing on the wall. I told him I am not getting any younger and I am not willing to live the rest of my life like this.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I am hopeful.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
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Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone's situation changed? Any BS here whose WS wasn't interested in sex at the beginning of R but now things are going well?

Just looking for hope...

~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else here the betrayed & doesn't care about sex anymore?

WW wants it, but I could care less-I have always had a high libido, but for the past year or so I just simply do not care-don't pursue it or really enjoy it.

I guess I thought we were "special" or something, I dunno.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
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Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64 is onto something and it is kinda messed up logically so us men especially with someone like my wife who has many mental issues do not understand.

Think why did your W (or even H) have insane desire for the AP?

1) They were not always available. Scarcity
2) They often had someone else (their AP). They were competing.
3) The Ap often did not do very big gestures for your WS.

And this advice I am giving here will and is very controversial and hope maybe just maybe you see that being what I have and many have been will often fail.

I have been way too available nice trying to be all and obviously as all you have given so so much. Doing anything. Damn you think I was the BS.

1) Get busy especially without WS. Do not be so available and the key HAVE FUN when you do go out even if fishing or shopping at the shoe store. I am not syaing do not do things with your spouse .... just not EVERYTHING. Get a life of your own!

2) DO NOT CHEAT but talk with members of the opposite sex. My wife once almost attacked me when a woman out of the blue spoke to me who was attractive. I will never cheat but the fact I have been doing things to make myself more attractive has made me attractive to other and my wife maybe for moments realizes what she is missing.

3) Here is the MOST BRUTAL thing I can suggest. When You have table scrab once a month sex TURN IT DOWN. Flirt but do not instigate sex and flatly refuse. You may even want to give say 6 months of NO SEX. Darn BRUTAL.

Things have gotten better for me and while not their yet I finally feel back into control of me and my sex life. I gave WAY too much power away to someone after the affair has NO BUSINESS with it!

Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
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Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

some good ideas, lost.

sex has become something of a chore to me-& it is simply get on, & get off-no intimacy whatsoever. I know I really should not be bothered by this as a man, but still.

I get the "boo hoo you don't want me" from WW already tho. I just wonder where my libido went-I think OMM took it.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
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Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK..Crazy question?

I have been working very hard medically to explain my loss of libido..meaning I have been open with my H and also going thru some peri-menopausal type of things along with female issues that will need surgury. So I am ACTIVELY trying to get to the bottom of it, not sitting there keeping quiet and hoping it will go away.

My question is you ever feel that even tho you are being honest and working at getting to the bottom of something that it just never is good enough? I mean the last time we had sex it hurt and was uncomfortable but I am trying to hang in there as I know men have needs...but I get the feeling my H still feels "neglected" and is getting very P/A about stuff again and I can feel the tension in the air.

So even tho you have talked out loud and communicated, at what point is it just never going to be enough? I mean if anyone watched the Oprah show when Suzanne Somers was on and she talked about women going thru this time in their life and how you really just have no feeling, you will have sex but you would rather "have a smoothie" in her words I about spit when I heard that because it is so true.

Thoughts? Be nice please, this is a very touchy and painful subject for me.

Posts: 5519 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
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Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if your WH is very commited to having sex and you're not?
We were fine after the A, but 4 years later I find that I don't want him to even touch me. I have no desire and it sucks because we had an amazing sex life before and after his affair. this began last October.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Canada
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Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, September 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thoughts? Be nice please, this is a very touchy and painful subject for me.

Are you still okay with him touching you? If so, perhaps you could try different positions....or find different ways to pleasure him (perhaps after he gives you a nice massage).

Also, have you read Passionate Marriage?

~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
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Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so_sick78... What happened in October?

Also as I just suggested to realitybites... have you read Passionate Marriage?

Of course, I am not even having sex yet with my WH (by his choice) I can only give advice based on what I would do if I happened to be lucky enough to be in the position of FWS wanting to have sex...not based on actual experience

~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
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Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad I read this forum. We too had great sex before and after the A. Now, we're 4 years out and for the past year most of the time I don't feel anything when we kiss & sex with my WS no longer feels fantastic. I feel like most of the time I'm numb. He on the other hand seems to find our sex life just as great or even greater. This bugs me that he screwed it up & I'm the one that can't enjoy myself like I use to. I don't get it. What happened? Did I stop loving him or am I always going to feel guarded?? I want to feel what I use to! I don't know how to feel anymore.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
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Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any BS here whose WS wasn't interested in sex at the beginning of R but now things are going well?

Oh yeah. She was not interested; then there was the brief HB, then she went back to not interested.

She projected her SA onto me, said *I* had a problem, and we took a "break" for 30 days.

This was supposed to "reassure" her that I didn't want her "just for sex and nothing else". (no matter what I told her, she believed THAT).

After that, we picked up again with rather infrequent, and mechanical sex.

That was about 6 months out. That's when my "rage" stage hit, and when I really began to accept the truth of what she did.

And my attraction to her just fell off the map. I *can* do it. I just feel "creepy" when she touches me. She gives me the willies. So in the past 10 or so months, we've done it maybe 4 or 5 times.

I still see "Rosie" fairly often. Yeah - that's EXACTLY why I got married.

Picked this apart with my IC, and it's pretty simple. My libido is gone, because I have zero trust, I don't feel safe with her. I told her, and of course she acted very hurt - but deep down, I think she's relieved, because she *is* a SA, and to her, sex is nothing more than a tool for manipulating men, a "duty" to her. A chore. So, now she never has to suffer that anymore. In short, she's happily a dry-drunk. (Unless she's still seeing OM. . . )

Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
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Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raises hand to no sex at all. We went through the hysterical bonding period and after that everything just came to a sreeching halt.

A lot of it with me is psychological. Also physical as I had a hysterectomy very early on in our marriage. We have been married for 36 years because I don't count last year when he had his MLC and EA with his "just a Friend" bull shit.

Anyway, where was I, oh sex or lack of it. Also a problem is alcohol. He can't get it up when he is drinking and he is always drinking except in the early mornings and I don't really like sex in the mornings. So I guess we will always be a odds. He also refuses to shower on Saturdays or brush his teeth, so Sunday morning is not working for me.

I've tried estrogen cream and all it does is make my face break out.

Hope this wasn't to blunt for anyone.

In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
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Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BS. We had sex up until the end, no problems whenever we both wanted it. I had some problems with intimacy during my pregancies though and he accepted this and was loving about it.

I noticed he just didn't want to anymore once when he came home. This would be appr. three months after he met her. Although one time he came home and held me like there would be no tomorrow. He lives abroad.

Anyway, I'm glad he doesn't want sex right now, because I wouldn't even if he paid me. Kind of joking, but actually not. No way right now. We are going through with a divorce though, and have both agreed so it's different than with someone R I think.

I don't know. It just hurts, and I can't become intimate with him ever again. I can't even think about our intimacy or I get angry. I want it even away in my mind right now.

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Europe
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Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, October 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my W after the affair says she enjoys having sex with me before the A.Now its like its painful for her after she had the A.I love my WW very much and trying R but shes so uninterested with sex at all.My sex drive is crazy i know this but i want it more than twice a week. she always seems to make exscuses now and never initiates it if we do have sex.i know shes not having anotherA as im home now cause i lost my job due to the emptions of the A.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2009
Top Jimmy
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Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, October 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was getting so painful that I just stopped pushing for sex at all. Last time we did "it" was in March.

For the two months I had off from this painful obsession, I learned that 1) I could live without the obsession just fine, 2) My wife was warmer, more open, and able to be physically close to me, and 3) Her desire for sex was not going to increase.

It is our 14th anniversary tomorrow and I'd say the vast majority of those years has been me wanting, begging, pleading for sex and not going anywhere. Meanwhile, she was banging some guy for 5 years.

She has the sexuality of a child due to abuse, mental illness, and self esteem issues. While I'm not perfect, I think my sex drive is pretty realistic, healthy, and open to whatever she is willing to try. Besides this NOTHING we're trying right now.

But this sucks. Sorry for all of you, and just telling you I'm there too.

Me: BS 42
Her: WS 43
Kids: 11. 14
A-Day: 4/1/03?
D-Day: 8/8/08
D-Day, the sequel: 10/20/08
D-Day 3-D!!!! this is getting old, quick... 4/10

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