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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do WH stop wanting sex out of guilt of what they did or do they feel like they are cheating on the OW?

I think immediately after the initial discovery, that the main reason a WS doesn't have sex with their BS is because they're still in touch with the
AP.

But a year after I am not sure what to think. MOW is in another state. I do not believe he is in contact, but as I say all the time...you can never be 100% sure. He could be talking to her when at work. He doesn't need to "run out" on the weekends or weeknights so don't believe there is contact then.

I am holding out hope we will get there. We have so much going on in our lives right now that it is hard to take the time to relax. Though we did go out of town for the first time since his A, it was for a business trip.

I am hoping we will be able to schedule a weekend for just the two of us to explore each other again. But in my eyes, he has to want to do it and I want to see him be the one to make the effort (pick the place at least if not plan the getaway). I need to see some effort from his side that he wants to head in that direction.

The biggest thing I try to get through his head is that because we are not having sex, it is a daily reminder that he had an A and is making it very difficult for me to put his A in the past. I wonder if he isn't having sex with me because he wants to remember the A, he wants to remember the sex with MOW and not replace it with sex with his wife.

Just confused. I want to believe his words....but the saying doesn't go - Words speak louder than actions, does it.


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
healingwife
♀ Member
Member # 23912
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, April 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in the BS-questions-for-WS area...got a very thoughtful response from a WS...but in reading this thread, I think my issue belongs here:

********************

I know my question has popped up over time, but I just can't seem to find a post on it this morning.
We are over 1.5 years from my first DDay -- 11 months from the last DDay, when I found out the EA was actually a 5-month PA.

Even though I am counting our R from the last DDay, my problem/question started from the first one.

I read so many posts about HB...but we NEVER experienced that part of the aftermath. In fact, it flipped 180 from our sexual dynamic.

Before and during the A, my H was extrememly sexual -- he would often remark that he wished we could do it twice a day. Even during the A, when he was home, this didn't change.

After the first DDay, it went to zero in a flash. We went to Marriage Encounter, had an amazing experience...and when we were feeling the closest, he still didn't really want sex. He did -- and still does -- want all of the other initmate, emotional connection. A lot of touching, holding, etc. -- he holds me every night as we go to sleep.

But he rarely initiates sex. We might do it once a week -- or every other week. We spend a lot of time together in bed, but there is no sex. I initiate, but am often rejected.

I don't know if this matters, but I have basically the same body as when we married. I'm no model, and I wouldn't win a beauty pageant, but I believe I am attractive -- I still get attention. Things have shifted a little (three children!), but I keep in shape. People tell me I look 15 years younger than I am. On an intellectual level, I have never felt inferior or in competition to the OW in any way, shape, or form. And until this rejection started, I never felt inferior to her on a physical level. It just didn't occur to me that her body would be any better than mine -- she is a little shorter and stocky, while I am taller and lean.

But it occurs to me now.

He is depressed, and I know this. But as a WS, can't you see past your depression and try to make your BS feel desireable? To me, that would be the most important part of R -- but he is working on himself and trying to see past his depression, and can't seem to see what is happening.

So, why no sex with the person you want most in your life? Does the depression really affect you that deeply -- so deeply that you don't even see your own BS in that way? Even if you are suffering from ED, do you really NOT want sex so much that you reject your BS in trying to pleasure her/him -- the very one you are trying to reconcile with?

I know this is rambling, and I apologize if my question is somehow lost in the jumble. But I am truly confused and disappointed in this aspect of our relationship. And while I have room in my head to help him through his depression on other levels, I can't seem to be so understanding about this.

It just doesn't add up to me. From horny dog to basically celibate in a matter of days?

Over a year and a half of waiting for this phase to pass. Trying so hard not to let it ruin my self-esteem.

***************

I have since had several long discussions with my H about this, and he says he is trying to process it, as well.

According to him, his pre-A mentality was so very selfish -- and that selfishness bled into the bedroom. As I look back, I would have to agree; however, at the time, I sort of passed this off as "he's a man, wants it more, etc." It was one-sided most of the time, if you get my drift. I was (past tense!) fine with it, as there were many nights when I was really tired myself.

The way it is now is killing my self-esteem. I know he has depression issues -- I have been taking ADs for depression for a couple of years...and his A came right in the middle of what was the worst pit of it. I still was willing to "satisfy" him and try to make him happy in the bedroom.

Sheeeeeeesh....just putting that down makes me so sad for the girl I had let myself become then...

Most of the time, I can put these awful thoughts aside and help him deal with his depression. I do love him, and I think that because I have been through that stuff, I can guide him through, as well.

But every time the opportunity is there to make love, and he doesn't...every single time...my chest tightens, my head aches, and I hold back the tears. Because every single time I am brought to my knees with the reality that he chose someone else over me. That he did this horrible thing, that he was the one to break it -- but I am supposed to suck up the fact that he is further rejecting me by not wanting me.

I am rambling this morning and am probably not making any sense. At least I know I'm not crazy...that HB does not always happen in the wake of DDay...that I am not the only one going through this.

Hugs to everyone here. It really is another circle of hell.

ETA: We have read the Love Languages book, and he does know that physical touch is one of mine. I am doing all of his (time and acts of service), but he cannot seem to fill this one for me. And I am the BS!! It just seems a little backward, doesn't it?

[This message edited by healingwife at 5:35 AM, April 15th (Thursday)]


BS - me
FWH - him
married 20 years
Lovingly in R
EA/PA from April-August 2008
Discovered EA - 8/28/08
Discovered PA - 4/17/09 (admitted on his own)

Posts: 482 | Registered: May 2009
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, April 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want this bumped to see if there are any answers out there from any WS's

BTW I don't even get any touching. I have tried to do the touching or hugging in bed, and gotten rejected.

Maybe it doesn't matter , for me, because of this we are heading for S. I can't do all of the work to try to R, only to get rejected, when I was the one betrayed.

This is just one question I would like an answer to.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2496 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
wobbly127
♂ New Member
Member # 28200
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, April 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For many years, I would get a stopsign whenever I initiated any sexual activity... and about 8 years ago, I just quit trying.
That may be one of the things that led to the A... but not entirely.
I think sex is uncomfortable for W... I know that as we attempt it, she makes a noise that makes me cry... this happened even as she tried to seduce me just the other night.
Once I start crying, for me, anyhow it's over... and I'm very sensitive that I'm hurting. She says its not that bad-- but the "ouch" ruins any thought of trying.
That was the attraction of OW--- one time I thought I did hurt her.. and that was the end of any physical affair.
I don't know what to do.

[This message edited by wobbly127 at 2:56 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Atlanta, GA
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wobbly...

Have you tried talking to your W about what is hurting her? Tried romancing her, tried different positions? Have you tried making it all about her to see if she responds differently?

If it honestly hurts her you should both be trying to figure out how to fix it. Does she need more lubricant, is there something physically wrong with her, etc.

I would try romancing her without expectation of sex. I know that was one of our problems before my H's A. I always felt like the only time he paid physical attention to me was when he wanted to have sex. Which then begins to make someone feel as though they are being used for only one thing.

How does she respond to you when you give physical attention to her without the end result being sex?


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
hopefulnyc
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Member # 27273
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a FWW and I find that the both of us are not interested in intimacy because of the betrayal. For me I have such extreme remorse that I don't have any desire and taking AD to boot. My husband doesn't mind. He said he is disgusted.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2010
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

know that was one of our
problems before my H's A. I always felt like the only time he paid physical attention to me was when he wanted to have sex. Which then begins to make someone feel as though they are being used for only one thing.

This exact thing killed the romance in our M...even before I found out about the infidelity.

I thought that it was my age...I was dry and it hurt as well..I got lubricant...then I realized on the occasion that he actually showed me some attention during the day and gave me some decent foreplay and came to bed at a decent time...that I didn't need the lubricant.
I tried telling him (in a nice way), but it just angered him...he said it felt like I was telling him "he couldn't do that right"


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2496 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
hyperglad
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Member # 28295
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, April 18th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well heres my story..dday 1 Aug 09 left for 1 night back home...hysterical bonding for about 4 weeks...ow made contact...back into the fog...left oct 09 for 10 days...nc with ow ...came each day..stayed in his nephews...got keys for a place but asked to come home.
HB again for about 3 weeks...then contact again with ow...sex stopped...i found out he was back in contact nov 28 so i asked him to go...once again he left for 1 night then asked to come home...this time not as convincing but i didnt want her to have him so i let him come home. No hb this time and although he was here he wasnt if you get me and i knew he was pining ow...he also packed in his work as thats where he made contact with her. Jan 19 i had enough...told him if he didnt want me he should go...i was done..he left and went to ow...only hours later he called and said as soon as he went in her house he knew it was over...i wouldnt let him home...he called i ignored he turned up at the door and long story short...i caved again. HB again...better than ever... then about 5 weeks in i found out he had still been in contact...he said he had only talked to her...she was blackmailing him..saying she would tell me they wur back on if he didnt give her a lift etc...said he hated her....was glad i knew blah blah... sex was still great ...i believed him and we wur good until one night we were out and we had a silly row...me being insecure (expected) we got home...i said sorry and he sulked...ever since that night (about 6 weeks now) he wont come near me again.
I have all the feelings of rejection etc...and he says the ...well you never wanted it before line.

Last week after reading posts on here saying it had gone on for yrs i confronted him...saying i couldnt live like this..he said he just doesnt feel like sex at the minute, but i am scared the longer it goes on...the more it will become the norm ???

[This message edited by hyperglad at 7:48 AM, April 18th (Sunday)]


Me BW 52
WH 42
M 22yrs
DDay #1 Aug 9 09
DDay #2 Nov 28
DDay #3 Jan 19
3 kids,34,24,14
in R at the moment

Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2010
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, April 19th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hyperglad... sorry you are in this situation.

We didn't even have HB. So I think that would be bad to have had HB and then have him back off like that.

It is really a blow to the self esteem, but I try hard to convince myself that it isn't me that is the problem.

I know what you mean about worrying the longer it goes the harder it will be to overcome. Not sure what we are going to do. We are in MC and we are supposed to be doing something to move us forward but nothing is happening...just stalled.


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
hyperglad
♀ New Member
Member # 28295
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanx Lookingforward well i think i can answer my own question. I decided to confront him about the way he was acting yday. Told him if he wasnt committed to r then he may as well leave...he said he wasnt happy so i said ok go now. I got our son in (14) and said your dads got something to tell you (let him tell his own shit) he told our son he wasnt happy with me and he was leaving. So he went...sat outside in his cab for about 30 mins then knocked, he wanted to talk...well i didnt , i was done, fed up, bye bye. He then admitted he had seen ow on 3 occasions.... only talked to her oh thats ok then.

well that sealed the deal, out now. He called about 5 times i told him not to embaress himself he wasnt gettn back.

I felt ok too, got up this morning and got ready for work...he called..he needs to talk...well i dont bye..

He then turned up begged ,pleaded, sorry, do anything usual BS... i told him i loved him but he wasnt getting back until i knew he meant it all. So i told him to leave and find somewhere to stay b4 it gets too late.

He couldnt keep his hands off me...weird.. like he was turned on by my strength,,, i told him no chance after what he had put me through.

He asked could he date me if he found somewhere to stay i said i would see, so i guess he has woken again, but he needs to get to the core root of his problem b4 i let him home.


Me BW 52
WH 42
M 22yrs
DDay #1 Aug 9 09
DDay #2 Nov 28
DDay #3 Jan 19
3 kids,34,24,14
in R at the moment

Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2010
perrycogirl
♀ Member
Member # 20227
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iíve been married almost 20 years. My (F)WH cheated on/off for 8 years. Itís been 3.5 years since D-day. I would say his heart wasnít REALLY into reconciling until about 1.5 years ago. He has NO interest in sex with me. He says he does, but he ignores, my signs, requests, etc. Heíll ďmake a dateĒ and then never follow through. Iíve cried about how I feel so unwanted. But it doesnít seem to make any difference.

Iím so jealous of my friends whoís husbands canít keep their hands off their wives.

Iím tired of talking about the subject. I'm getting lonely and beginning to think I should move on.


Any thoughts?


Married 22 years
Me: BS 40's
Him: WH 40's
DS: 15
DDay#1 4/2002 (4 mo PA)
DDay#2 11/2006 (admitted to 1.5 yr PA) - almost 2 years later admitted it actually started 10 years earlier. They split for while and reconnected years later.

Posts: 340 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: small town in central PA
andyd1950
♂ Member
Member # 20018
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only if it was to satify her needs.

Those fantastic three word "Are you done yet?" sure is a mood killer.


BS (me) - 61
fWW (her)- 57
Married 39 years March 17,2012

Forgiving, that's easy.
Trusting again, that's hard.
Forgetting, impossible!

"When you take things for granted, the things you are granted get taken away."~ RevRun.


Posts: 1190 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Albany, NY
sb0679
♀ Member
Member # 26732
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post as I struggled for a while with this. I am the BSO (I think that means betrayed significant other). I had a physical interest, but no emotional interest in sex after my WSO's A. I really felt like I was "giving in" or "saying things were ok" if I considered having sex. I figured I wouldn't enjoy it anyway given all the thoughts in my head, so why bother. I do think men and women differ a great deal in this area, not even due to affairs but just due to differences in men and women and their views of sex in general.


Me 31 yrs old - BSO
Him 31 yrs old - WSO
Together 4 years
D-Day #1 - 3/29/09
D-Day #2 - 4/27/09
R since 5/19/09

Never take a person's dignity: it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you.Ē


Posts: 72 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Phoenix, AZ
daydreamin
♂ New Member
Member # 28327
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a WS let me explain my deepest darkest thoughts on this. We have/had a great sex life. After the A came to light, we still had sex, but the whole time we were doing it the only thing I could think of is how disgusting she must feel. How disgusting I must make her feel. That is no turn on let me tell you. It is very tough to explain those kind of feelings. It happens all the time and not just in bed. I want her to kiss me, be intimate with me because that is what she wants to do not because she doesn't want to fight about it. It is almost like I am forcing her to do thise things. Even thought she says the complete opposite. She says she wants to do thos ethings and I am not forcing her. But the toughts are constently there it is very hard for me to deal with.
So for me it is what I think she is feeling not what she is acually feeling. I still very much desire my wife, I want to be near her all the time, but my own feelings of letting her down, self pity, I don't know what to call it always get in the way.


WS-me 38
BS- her 41
DDate 7/09
Divorced 3/12

Posts: 13 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Missouri
marie49
♀ New Member
Member # 25243
Helpless  Posted: 4:48 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In R 8 months HB and then sex
good. Now for last month half nothing.. fairly confident N/C has not been broken(Can never be sure :)) not so sure about fog- However, FWH seems to be so morally damaged by his A (how could he do such a thing)so I'm at a loss. All I know is that I'm tired of rejection. FWH says "oh now u want sex" I told him I recognize he had to make me Asexual in order to justify his A and that we may have not had as much sex as he would have liked-but we did have SEX!! Anyway, didn't mean to go there, just incrediblely frustrated and lonely. i am now praying that my desire for him be taken away so that I am able to stay in my M


keepin the faith

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2009
marie49
♀ New Member
Member # 25243
Concerned  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

daydreamin, you obviously are very remorseful. Some of the things connected with me, because early in R my FWH expressed his thoughts of me being disgusted by him(which I have never been)admittily I suffer with mind movies and triggers but I'm trying this sex thing is really getting to me though


keepin the faith

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2009
Rise And Shine
♀ Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HealingWife,

So, why no sex with the person you want most in your life? Does the depression really affect you that deeply -- so deeply that you don't even see your own BS in that way? Even if you are suffering from ED, do you really NOT want sex so much that you reject your BS in trying to pleasure her/him -- the very one you are trying to reconcile with?

I'm 12 months from my dday. WH had a very brief A with a MOW while working for a company in another state. When I discovered the A, WH went NC instantly. He even quit the company and came home. It was over and done. He's been wildly remorseful ever since and has done everything possible to help me heal. With saying that...

As soon as I found out about the A, I grabbed him and went into HB mode. The way I needed to reclaim him through HB was insane!

My WH's guilt made it hard for him to perform. Just as the BS has a world of emotions swirling around our brains, so do the WS's, even the genuinely remorseful/love their wives WH's. Emotional stress plays havoc on a man's penis. When a man experiences ED, he does one of two things: he visits his doctor to rule out a physical cause then gets a perscription for meds to help him maintain his erection, OR, he pushes away his wife because he's embarassed and is waiting to see if it fixes itself.

If your H is experiencing ED and is not on meds, I'd suggest to him that he gets checked out for physical causes than get a medication.

After my dday, my WH went to the doctor and we learned that his ED was due to emotional stress. He's been on medication ever since...and we have a lot of sex I know it's good for me and I know he enjoys it also!

It's been 12 months and he's not going off medication yet. Why? Because for the last 12 months I've beat the shit out of him emotionally. I'm on a rollercoaster and he's had no choice but to be on it with me.

We both believe that if/when I can become more emotionally stable, than his need for medication will go away.

Hope that helps anyone out there...


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, April 22nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are all my sexless SI friends doing out there?

Had another "talk". H is upset that I want to have a planned trip where we can try to reconnect sexually. H is upset that I feel a need to talk about it.

Basically I told him I didn't think there was anything wrong with me wanting to make the event a special thing. My god, it has been over three years since we've had sex (2 of them after he had sex with someone else!). Does he think I'm going to be okay with him just jumping me one night after 2 years of telling him I wanted to have sex and him refusing?

I just wish we could reconnect and get on with our lives. But I want to reconnect and acknowledge it is something special, a new phase for us, a new beginning to our M.

Oh well

ETA: He said it wasn't about me it was about us. So how is it about us, if he isn't willing to make an effort to make something special out of this.... I contributed by waiting for so long.

[This message edited by lookinforward at 5:30 PM, April 22nd (Thursday)]


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone knew out there who found the answer?


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 29th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else out there dealing with a WW with Colitis, Uncerative Colitis or Crones?

WW keeps telling me who she constantly feels gross because of it and intimacy is in the toilet (pardon the pun)


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
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