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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
♂ Member
Member # 20121
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 2nd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had plenty of this problem during both our failed R's. FWW and I are now in a "are we dating" phase. We live apart, are getting along well, and I've maintained my position that I need affection and sex for us to have a relationship. I started playing at dating (but didn't really pursue it other than posting a profile on a site - dating sucks anyway).

For whatever reason, she is more open to it. We had some hot lovin' yesterday. And it's looking more promising.

I don't know why she couldn't during periods of our 8 months of R. Maybe there wasn't enough space. I've stopped trying to figure it out. I'm just focused on my needs and boundaries. It seems to be working.

delete me

Posts: 206 | Registered: Jul 2008
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Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, May 2nd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks beach, I appreciate your answers.

me - BS

Posts: 1359 | Registered: Nov 2008
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Member # 23444
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, May 2nd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hate to post here but no sex for me either. WW is just not interested and does not feel any "spark" with me. She is taking ADs but she was already taking AD when she was having her A so I know that can't be it. She can be affectionate with me in other ways (non-sexual and even then its very minimal and not often).

She's really trying to figure this out in IC and MC on how to make that emotional connection with me in hopes of getting the physical connection going. Is it even possible to get that "loving" feeling back? Obviously we had it in the beginning of our relationship.

Me: BH, late 30's
DS6 (one awesome kid!)
Separated: July 2009

Posts: 149 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Twilight Zone
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Member # 18247
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did a cut & paste from the Reconciling thread, for those who have not already read my story about my sexless relationship:

To anyone who knows me and my WBF, they would think that we are the "perfect" couple. We are entirely in love with each other. He spoils me something fierce, and I would do anything for him. We complement each other. He is totally affectionate with me, holds my hand everywhere we go, kisses on me, and does not hesitate to let the world know how much he loves me. I believe all of this, I truly do. I know he *wants* to change. He knows what he did was wrong. He is entirely remorseful to me.

We have not had sex for 13 months and 18 days. I happen to know that I am not even the last person he had sex with, and this tears me apart.

My WBF's cheating consisted of meeting people online, sometimes escalating to phone sex, and sometimes escalating to meeting for sex. At least one of these women believed she was in a relationship with him.

Without giving TMI, my WBF has a physical condition that cannot be seen on webcams. I believe that he gets the courage to do online what he would never have the courage to do in person. I believe it makes him feel some sort of power over the women he meets online. For the most part, I don't believe his emotions were involved in the cheating. The exception would probably be the one who thought he was her boyfriend, although at the time that I had discovered that affair, she told me that she had not seen him for months...just talked to him on the phone, including phone sex. She only lived a couple of miles from him.

Our sexual history: We had an incredible sex life for the first seven months of our relationship. He started cheating on me, and it waned. We went a couple of months without sex at one point, but even when we were having sex, it was not with the intensity that we used to have.

I confronted WBF in January 2008 about the relationship. He got pissed and declared that we were "over." He saw her for the following week and then made contact with me (beginning of February). We got back together. We had sex a few times, still not with the previous intensity. The last time we had sex was 03/17/2008. We basically had a False R until May 2008.

I feel that WBF (Mimbo) is committed to me and making our relationship work. He said for several months that he just had no sex drive. I found only one time that he had been looking at porn on his computer. I know he is not chatting with anyone, I have a program installed and he does not know about it.

After sending my PM to hurtbs, I again confronted him about the lack of sex. It got pretty heated, and he told me that if I really want to know, it physically hurts him to orgasm.

Believe me, I know we don't have a "perfect" relationship. He is willing to do whatever, including counseling, but we have not at this point. We do not lack intimacy at all. We do, however, lack passion. And it kills me. I have told him repeatedly it is not about the sex, it's about the fact that I do not feel wanted or desired by him. He goes to great lengths to make me feel sexy, beautiful, desirable etc etc.... IT'S NOT THE SAME. You cannot replace the feelings you get from that kind of passion with anything else. And I don't gauge anything by the "intensity" of the sex we once had, because I have put that into perspective. It is not the same intensity that I would expect from sex derived from love and passion for one person. Unfortunately, that intense sex we had doesn't mean squat, I don't feel the least bit special in that regard. And also, we lacked intimacy when he was cheating.

This is incredibly hard, to feel this way day in and day out. Nothing has ever made me feel so ugly and unworthy. It's a constant conflict with the way he treats me, and that is what makes it so hard to deal with. I do think a lot of this is ingrained in us; we as women believe that if we are desirable, men will want to have sex with us. I listen to men all the time who complain about lack of sex. That is acceptable discussion; however, I cannot fathom sharing this with my friends at work. There surely must be something wrong with me if he doesn't want me. WBF cannot comprehend what this is doing to my self-esteem. It's such a confusing and hurtful way to feel. We go to bed and cuddle and kiss. Sometimes I feel so close to him, and the next natural thing to do would be to make love. And it's just not happening. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have cried myself to sleep in his arms. It is rejection, every day that it continues. Every day is a new hurt and a new rejection to me. It doesn't get any easier.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
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Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it has worked out kinda weird. I was stupid. I always was the pursuer. When I think about WW and how she pursued OM and had no desire for me I just stopped.

Maybe this is woman like but I would like it to start in the morning IE a nice day flirting and her to at least half the time initiate.

It has gotten me to the point I feel like a fool and will not pursue sex for a long time.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
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Member # 19801
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We haven't had sex in 15 mos + and, like "rottenkitty", I know that I wasn't the last one he was with, either. Now, "there's no spark" and he doesn't seem to want to get it back. I'm miserable. Over the years, I've run hot and cold, partly due to depression and ADs. As my WH put it, there are consequences to all our choices. Like I chose to a sexless marriage! Like I want to lie in bed and ache for someone to hold me!I realize my part in this little drama, but turning his back on me and the M doesn't seem to be the "fix" either. I've tried seduction--mild and HOT --and it's not worked. He just gets this look on his face like he pities me for my efforts. "Too late for that" and "you should have been there for me before" and "I didn't feel like you loved me" are the responses I get. Yes, I said NO a lot...Why? I'm still working thru that. But now, when we've bared it all in front of an MC (who we don't see anymore after 6+ mos--WHs choice), he suggests that there's no chance of going back. So what do I do?

BS(me) & WH (him) married since 1986
D-Day #1: May '07
D-Day#2: 06/01/08
DDay #3: June 6, 2009
DS, 18; DS, 20

"Your attention and direction determine your destination." Andy Stanley in "The Principle of the Path."

Posts: 434 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New England
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Member # 14232
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kwills and other WSs,

Please - can you explain why? WW and I had a "fantastic sex life" (her words) - until dday and then nothing. Is there anything a BS can do to encourage WS to open up - and not just sex, but intimacy, conversation, tenderness, kindness, interest, etc. With my issues with self-esteem and self-respect I cannot be the one to initiate everything. What can a BS do?


me: BS, 51
her: WW 41
M: 14 yrs, together 16, 3 kids
WW wants D
dday: 4/7/2006
You've got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend. -Bob Dylan

Posts: 2793 | Registered: Apr 2007
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Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BW and my desire from sex seem to have evaporated since i read about the health implications....STDS...
we did get the three month HIV test but then i read a lot on Mayo clinic website and others that HPV ni men cannot be tested and it can also pass thru a condom.
Same for herpes which doesnt have a robust test for men...
This has somehow made sex such a fearful exercise that i have kept myself totally off it...
Anyways it was awful with images and "am not special anymore" after D day (well post HB of course!)
And to think before D day i was the one who had the higher drive and initiative and always tried to inject fun and innovation....
to his credit WH never objected or rejected my was THE one aspect which was really cool between us or so I thought....apparently only i thought that i guess....
Now i really am at a lost thinking should i risk my life not knowing if i might just might get herpes or something...
i know the possibility xould be remote but still when I was his first and he was mine this issue really really sucks....
I dont know if there is any way out of here....

Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
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Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From a FWW's perspective (over 2 years out),
I fell into asexual for like 1 year.

During A, we had more sex.

First 3 month, I was still in withdrawal and xOM's ghost was in the way and it triggered me bad. And after that, I couldn't even bring myself to see any sexual content TV or mobies, like when H was flipping channels, and HBO's soft porn program or any sexy bikini women shows up, or women dressed up in the skanky way, came across it made me sick. I then would say, "Eeeew".....

I guess, he had a sense of humor and he even made a joke during summer in front of the kids saying "Oh it's hot, open your legs honey, because it is cold like fridge"

After I He-toxed xOM from my system, and I had to cut off all sexual contents Tvs, movies, because they triggered me and send me to the opposit direction and didn't help. I stopped wearing clothes that makes me look attractive, too. I felt like I was having a celibacy from those dark days.

Emotional connection(doing things together) helped me becoming more physical connection, too. Also not feeling being pressured also helped. At the same time, I read those sexual healing books, and get my physical checked.

After 1.5 years out, I finally feel like I am a virgin for my H again.

We never had HB.

Everytime, I saw the Viagra commercial, I felt very uncomfortable and felt guilty for H.
What helped me was he did lots of act of service, physical touch (playful and affectionate) and in return, I wanted to do the same for him. (5 Love language book helped me)

I also read many sexual healing books.

"Don't call it love" and "sexual anorexia" book by Patrick Carns. "Sex Detox" by Ian Carns, "Sex Starved marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis.

Also I was going through perimenopause and I had depression and didn't help.

I didn't like feeling being pressured and H focusing on the genital sex. When he touched me he only focusing on my breasts or genitals. So then I would say, I don't like you targetting. When I told H that I could live without sex (I meant with anyone for that matter), and he took it as his inadequecy to make me happy.

H said "would you be happy, if I said I would not have sex with you anymore?", but I said "no".

When it comes to sex, H always focused on genital sex and frequency of sexual intercourse, but there are actually 12 dimentions in healthy sexuality. (according to "sexual anorexia" book by Patrick Carns) I am learning healthy intimacy and improving our sex life.

1. Nurturing - the capacity to receive care from others and provide care for self.

2. Sensuality - the mindfulness of physical senses that creates emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical presence.

3. Self-image - a positive self-percelption that includes embracing your sexual self.

4. Self-definition - a clear knowledge of yourself, both positive and negative, and the ability to express boundaries as well as needs.

5. comfort - the capacity to be at ease about sexual matters with oneself and with others.

6. Knowledge - a knowledge base about sex in general and about one's own unique sexual patterns.

7. Relationship - a capacity to have intimacy and friendship with both those of the same gender and opposite gender. (If somone has a boundary issue, they need to fix that)

8. Partnership - the ability to maintain an interdependent, equal relationship that is intimate and erotic.

9. Nongenital sex - the ability to express erotic desire emotionally and physically without the use of the genitals.

10. Genital sex - the ability to freely express erotic feelings with the use of the genitals.

11. Spirituality - the ability to connect sexual desire and expression to the value and meaning of one's life.

12. Passion - the capacity to express deeply held feelings of desire and meaning about one's sexual self, relationships, and intimacy experience.

If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
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Member # 14232
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your reply.

but what can I do to encourage her to connect with me?


me: BS, 51
her: WW 41
M: 14 yrs, together 16, 3 kids
WW wants D
dday: 4/7/2006
You've got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend. -Bob Dylan

Posts: 2793 | Registered: Apr 2007
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Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think, what helped me was that H made me feel safe.

You said,

With my issues with self-esteem and self-respect I cannot be the one to initiate everything.

I can see why you cannot initiate anything from you....

Are you two in MC? If so, you can bring that up there, I think what she needs is feel safe.

Is she in IC?

When was d-day?

Has she been like this till now?

How is she treating you?

Have you forgiven her?

Do you think she is depressed?

Have you found each of your love language? (from the "5 Love languages" book by Gary Chapman)

Sorry for more questions.

[This message edited by beach at 7:35 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
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Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 9th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have yet to read down w/all these posts. Just wanted to chime in.

FWH turned out not to be F at all.

He came back for R. No remorse, not regrets.. til he left me again.

He seemed to be doing lots of trying that didn't make sense. Defined as false R.

I wanted sex. I thought my H was back..and would be for good. I figured he just needed to figure himself out.


I had asked the questions. It didn't seem like he was interested. he told me he didn't know why. Just wasn't interested.. Duh .. but left out the fact that they were still in contact w/eachother.

Watch your backs, Ladies. If your FWH is not interested and always had been up until he left the first time there is a great possibility that it's not the finances or the kids stressing him. It's the thought of doing his OW wrong.

Sorry. You can 2x4 me back. But pm me if you need advise or want to share

That soab.

Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are not going well here.

I had yet another conversation with WH last night - yep another round of drunken verbal vomiting for me - and finally asked him about whether he even thought about sex. He said he did, a lot. Then I asked him if he thought about having sex with me. Again, he said he did. That was it. He didn't elaborate.

So he thinks about sex, and sex with me, but does nothing to initiate it. I guess if I hadn't been quite so drunk I would have thought to ask if the thoughts of having sex with me repulsed him. Because I'm beginning to think it must.

This sucks!

me - BS

Posts: 1359 | Registered: Nov 2008
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Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DT))) (((trahi)))

I am so sorry.

trahi, how are you doing?

If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
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Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 14th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


No interest in sex with FWW. Grosses me out. I guess I haven't accepted that she's stopped seeing OM.

Like lostcause; I am the prize.

Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
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Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, May 14th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not interested in sex with WH - anyone else?

It isn't that I don't want sex, I just don't want it with him.

The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26032 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
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Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 14th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neh...i'm with you

i most certainly do not want sex with my wh.....

i do want sex though, my sex drive is finally back...was gone for well over a year...his emotionaly abuse, me being a hole once upon a time, and puttin everyone and everything above me and the kids HAD KILLED, DESTROYED AND OLIBTERATED MY SEX DRIVE....

he has an affair, well 3 affairs, one for 30 years, another 12 years and the alleged last was 1 week plus....


go figure

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, May 15th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh - I've got a sex drive.

I actually LONG for dirty, kinky, sweaty, monkey-sex. I just wish I had a partner I could trust.

Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
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Member # 18119
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BS and have little interest in sex with FWW. Like toonice who said, "I guess I haven't accepted that she's stopped seeing OM." the mind movies have not stopped.

For me this is more a problem when it's late-night, lights out. Not so much, if I can see what's going on.
I've feigned sleep several times.

It's easier to never start, than to not be able to finish - if that makes sense.

Me BS 47
WW 44
Married July 1986
3 Kids (12, 15, 18)
LTA 2 years+
D Day Oct 11 2006

Posts: 464 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: southeast usa
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Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had prostate cancer surgery two years ago. One nerve was spared. Our sex life had totally gone away but he was always going out and staying out till the wee hours of the morning. He said he was playing chess. I later found out he was in a long term EA with a fellow coworker during the time of his surgery up till July 2008.

Now during that time I was convinced he was having an affair and I loved him enough to turn my head and let it happen because I didnt think I was satisfying him sexually anymore because he needs so much more attention due to the surgery.

But when I found out it was an EA, that pissed me off. He was spending "mouth" time with another woman that wasnt me!

Now, he has totally given up on trying to have a productive sex life. He forgot I live with him and I need sex too. He will give me all the oral I want but he says he's not interested in trying to have intercourse anymore.

I'm pissed!

Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.

"It ain't about love anymore."

Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
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