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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
majik8ball
♀ New Member
Member # 28835
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, divorce is not a better step. Im not willing to throw 24 years of marriage out the window yet. Tho some of you probably think by having an A I already have. I am hoping that with marriage counseling, I will get back that connection with my husband.
Is the lack of sexual fulfillment in a marriage enough to call it quits? I don't know. All I can say is that a year and a half a go I was happy in my marriage. I saw us being together for the rest of our lives.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: washington state
rottenkitty
♀ Member
Member # 18247
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

majik, I am really glad you are posting here.

Is the lack of sexual fulfillment in a marriage enough to call it quits?

My answer to that is no, absolutely not. But the feelings I am feeling are well beyond an unfulfilled sex life. It is the constant rejection, the constant feeling like you're not enough, the constant nagging in the back of your head about how the person you love is not attracted to you. And he says he is not rejecting me (?), he says that I am all he wants, and he says I am the most beautiful girl in the world. I believe that he feels that way, yet the problem is still there. There is absolutely no sexual, intimate connection.

It's not the sex so much as it is all of the other feelings you get from connecting with the person you love. If there is no sex and no passion, then I feel I have a friendship, not a love relationship. A friendship is fine, but I am not going to commit the rest of my life to a friend. I want a life partner and a lover, someone who can share everything with me and I with him. That includes sex.


Posts: 251 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
godawgs
♂ Member
Member # 28172
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I have been married for 7 years together for 11. Our sex life has gotten a little boring and less frequent. I finally got tired of hearing NO so much and just kinda of stopped trying until she wanted it. Which was not very often. Now she is in an A and she told me that she wants SEX now.
Interesting....
Now I think couples have to find a way to spice it up. Keep things fresh when they get dull or boring. I think that is a hard thing to do though.


Me=BH 36
Her=WW 34
One wonderful boy 4
First D-Day=Jan. 25, 2010
SO MANY MORE SINCE THEN! I have lost count
I moved out=Jan 26, 2011
Filed for D= Dec 8, 2011

Posts: 155 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: midwest
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 24th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good post, rottenkitty.

I can get an orgasm by myself, that's not special.

Knowing my wife desires me, is willing to give up a little sleep, is willing to make me feel good, that's special.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
majik8ball
♀ New Member
Member # 28835
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 26th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess when it comes down to it, I felt like my needs weren't being met. Sexually. I wanted to feel like my husband saw me as THE most sexy, desirable woman in the world.
How do you know if thats it? How do you know if he thinks of you that way, or does he want you just because he is horny?

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: washington state
rottenkitty
♀ Member
Member # 18247
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, June 27th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You get that if you have love, intimacy, and respect for one another...then you are able to feel what your partner feels. It's a mutual ground that develops between the two of you. You can't expect him to somehow be able to "prove" that he feels you are the sexiest person in the world. He has no way of actually doing that. He can say it, and he can act like it, but at the end of the day it would still be open to your interpretation. You will never know what is truly in another person's head. But the closer you can get to what is truly in their heart, the closer you are to a mutually fulfilling relationship.

You need to be content with yourself, for yourself. He does not define who you are or how sexy you are. You can search the world over for that one person who might make you feel that way, but you will probably always have doubts because of your self-image.

After going nearly 2 1/2 years without sex with my WBF, I might not feel in my heart that he finds me the sexiest person in the whole world. Some days I would be very hard to convince that he is attracted to me at all. But I know that the problem in my relationship does not have anything to do with my physical attractiveness. There are things much deeper going on.

I also know that the way for me to feel better about myself is not to seek that gratification from outside of my relationship. There is no man who can replace feelings of desire from my BF. When you truly love someone, you do not act out in selfish ways that serve your ego. You work on your relationship and make it a better place to be for both of you.


Posts: 251 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
hyperglad
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Member # 28295
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, June 27th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just thought i would give an update....just read my previous post and realised h has been out of the house since April 19.

I have tried many things...NC told him to stay away and leave me alone..he lasted 4 days then contacted me... i have tried being nice, kind..just made me feel nore rejected.

i have tried 180 i think my h enjoys me not hassleing him..all of this and the affection...emotional or physical intimacy just hasnt returned.

Like other posts he says he loves me is still attracted to me WTF...sorry i dont buy this..i too am now getting to the stage were i am questioning do i want him. We have been together for 22 yrs with almost a yr since dday and about 4 mths now without sex. Maybe i am less patient than others ..and although it is about the sex it is more about the lack of emotional intimacy that goes along with it.

He has agreed to come on vacation with our son..and 7 other friends on thursady and i am going to tell him it is make or break... he either tries or when we come back im done... i am 52 and i sure aint wasting what i have left of my life sitting around waiting for crumbs from a man who disrespected me so much to have an affair in the first place...my own self respect will not allow me too.

[This message edited by hyperglad at 3:39 AM, June 27th (Sunday)]


Me BW 52
WH 42
M 22yrs
DDay #1 Aug 9 09
DDay #2 Nov 28
DDay #3 Jan 19
3 kids,34,24,14
in R at the moment

Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2010
majik8ball
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Member # 28835
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 27th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much Rottenkitty and everyone. I really appreciate your input.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: washington state
BetsyBG
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Member # 13920
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, all--I don't remember whether I posted my story earlier, but I'm reaching boiling point, and will do so again---just to vent, I guess.

18 years ago, my husband left our marriage, emotionally and sexually. We had a small child, were living in a strange city, and ---without communicating such---he was tremendously dissatisfied with a number of things in our life: his career, the (normal) growing pains our marriage was experiencing, the change in sex patterns small children can create.

He started with "working late"---going to strip clubs night after night after night. He spent tens of thousands of dollars over a couple of years; it was impossible to hide from me. He did manage, however, to convince me there was no physical contact.

(I later found out that two infections I contracted during this time were STDs; D-day #1 came 4 years ago---14 years after he had intercourse with at least 1 stripper. One of the infections, incidentally, debilitated me for an entire year--at no point did he suggest I be tested, so it went untreated in my oropharynx until it showed up, some time later, on vaginal swab. The second was not diagnosed until I was in labor with our second child. Neither was identified for me as an STD until 4 years ago---or I would have been very aggressive about requirements for R and/or divorced him 18 years ago. But I digress...)

He lied about his infidelity ---and our marriage and sex life suffered. Intimacy was impossible; the lies were a huge wedge between us.

But we had sex--for a while. We had another baby, and moved back home---and as often happens when you have a young family finding time was difficult. But I never believed it to be a problem more significant than that. We loved each other (I thought.) We had sex---not like bunnies, but enough that we'd laugh and say, "Hey, that's fun. Let's do it again soon."

In 1999, he had a massive MI. It left him with considerable heart damage and requiring over a dozen drugs daily. This profoundly affected his ability to have sex.

He was content to let me believe he couldn't have sex. (In a deposition related to his injury, he testified under oath that he could not have sex, as well.) It was very frustrating to me, but I felt guilty---after all, the poor guy had lost even more than I had.

Very occasionally, he would rise to the occasion, so to speak; we've had sex around 5 times since 1999. I tried very hard not to feel rejected, to recognize this as part of his illness rather than a continuation of his earlier rejection. It was very difficult for me emotionally--but again, I reminded myself that he was ill, that he was doing the best he could, and so on.

Until two years ago. While ostensibly trying to reconcile from the stripper infidelity I'd recently learned of, we got absolutely nowhere. I was in it alone, I discovered. I learned that he'd been trolling online, and had met an AFF whore with the intention of having sex.

He says they did not have sex, but "just kissed." ("Just kissing" is a recurrent theme; he adopts the Clinton defense: if there's no vaginal penetration, it's not sex.)

Around the time of that second D-day is when he started to claim that I knew that he could have sex, but that I would not have it with him--that for the past 10 years, he had not manipulated his disability to avoid intimacy with me. Rather, he claimed he'd discovered, after a med change at some ill-defined place along the road, that he COULD have sex, and that I had rejected his many sexual advances. I did not perceive any advances.

In fact, learning about this AFF woman is how I learned he was able to have sex---and, further, how I learned that sex with me was what he doesn't want.

I was devastated--and met with blameshifting (still ongoing; he refuses to own the sexual abandonment; last night he said, "that's not all on me, you know"), lying, and an absolute refusal to do anything to help me heal.

He has been in IC for 4 years--with a coddler and enabler who hand-patted him right into a full-blown A he had last year.

Our sex life did not resume (despite continual protestations on his part that he WANTED to, if only he wasn't so continually REJECTED by me---all the while being too tired, too sick, too ....absent, too busy, too ANYTHING TO AVOID IT) but he gave himself permission, a year after the AFF D-day, to move from Facebook to email to phone to PA with a woman he "reunited" with surrounding our high school reunion.

The week before the reunion, he had an overnight business trip---and stayed in HER hotel room. His response to my dismay about his dishonesty is to pull out his Blackberry, twiddle it a bit, and show me that he did, in fact, have that important business meeting, just like he has every other year; that he would have been staying overnight even if it wasn't for her. (And his response to my suggestion that he now do the traveling the morning of the meeting was not, "I know--I will have to make that change so you can feel safe," it was, "Okay, you haul your ass out of bed to get me to the train by 6!")

The weekend of the reunion, they kept separate hotel rooms, kept their liaisons secret, and had sex both nights--oral and intercourse. He told her he loved her.

They decided to "end" it--but really, kept up phone contact until the most recent D-day. Another wedge completely preventing any form of intimacy--sexual or emotional---with me. For the last year of our "R." They spoke regularly, and most particularly about my deficiencies as a wife---making me feel raped.

And needless to say, our sex life did not resume. He continued to blame me as a smokescreen to conceal his affair.

For over a year (before this last A), I begged him to switch therapists---he was learning NO tools, gaining NO insight---and it was harming our chances for R. He scoffed, his therapist scoffed. "Where did Betsy get her psych degree?"

The week before the last D-day, I read on a public message board a post he'd made about reliving a magical weekend in Washington during a recent business trip.When confronted with this, he finally gave me passwords (but only after sanitizing accounts---he missed ONE crucial email, which is how I found out about his full-blown A; I am sure he never would have told me otherwise)----and told me I knew everything, and that for the first time, he was 100% committed to our marriage.

Only, well--he was still in his EA. I did not know everything (and he has NO intention of sharing everything), and he was not "100% committed."

We're 7 weeks out from the D-day that followed. I am sure there are many things I don't know. I am still being blamed for the lack of sex in our marriage: I didn't respond, I didn't initiate, I didn't pick up the mental freaking telepathic messages----there must be something wrong with ME to overlook HIS needs so that he has to go somewhere else.

I have been destroyed as a woman. I have PTSD, and my sexual confidence does not exist. The last affair? The last nail in the coffin.

R? We're 7 weeks out from the last D-day. He has fleeting glimmers of insight (he admitted he liked being unsatisfied so he'd have a reason to look elsewhere), but no remorse or empathy. He claims he is "working hard," but years of doing NOTHING have left him believing that a compliment a day is adequate.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, other than maybe validation that I'm not insane...or alone.


BW-49
STBX-49
together 33 years, married 24
most recent D-day 5/26/10
separated 12/5/10
financially-motivated UN-separation to come mid-January, 2011
trying to R, or at least happily coexist

Posts: 4436 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Chicago-ish
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back Betsy.

What's going to be different this time? Your H sounds majorly screwed up.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate the catch 22 it puts people in.

You can have sex and make connection or have connection and end up having sex.

people her have neither.

And it warps you in a way.

You may have kids at home and want to have a normal life and know taht things do not look like they will ever get better.

But you stay and cope somehow .... hopefully not by cheating.

And in the end feel very isolated and alone.

The sex is like a background beat to teh main song.

Us without much sex do not get hugs, big kisses, giant smiles, GOOD suprises.

You feel defetaed and almost become forced to do other things like hobbies, friends, investing in the kids.

BUt you are trapped and very alone.

And I think taht is the most dveatstating thing in this.

The lack of sex makes you feel very alone and you should not feel like that when you have a spouse.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
dremalou
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Member # 204
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been so long since I've had anything with my WS that I'm not exactly sure how long it has been. I'm sure it has been at least 2 years and no more that 20 times in 13 years. See his A has been ongoing for 13 years now. During this time he would be fine if I would just pretend I don't know about it. Since OP is on the East Coast, it was always cool (in his mind) to act like it's all in my head.

There were times in the beginning when I was open to trying to put it all behind us, but only to find WS was lying. So, after a long and very satisfying sex life with my H, I'm left with nothing. WS spends mosts of his time now back East with OP. When here on West Coast, we live as roommates. I refuse to be any other way. WS would jump on me in a minute, but I've closed that door.

Just the thought of having any close touching with WS makes me uneasy and very sad. I grew up sexually with him and to know he is sharing that with another turns me inside out.

I will never recover from this betrayal. I guess it was not as special as I thought it was between us.

So to answer the question, I'm not interested in sex, but I'm sure WS would be ready in a heartbeat.


BW/59 M25yrs, 2gether 31yrs (known H 4ever), D33/gsons/12&10/gdau/2yr
WH/62 East Coast A since May 97/Deep Fog
OW/64 never married only "Does" married men
Where's the man I married?...
Pro 5:20-23...lost w/o God
Ps 119:49-80 PTL

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Northern CA
BetsyBG
♀ Member
Member # 13920
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's going to be different this time? Your H sounds majorly screwed up.
I don't know that anything will be different. So far,I'm not seeing evidence that there is anything promising.

He's posting on SI now. I guess I should take hope from that. It would be easier if he weren't minimizing and ....well, lying. I feel bludgeoned by his words. By his lack of ownership of his abandonment.

I am not optimistic right now. I know he needs therapy, and get a tiny glimmer of hope that he is starting with a new therapist. But we've been down this road before....it's hard to retain hope.

And it's hard to spend years feeling ....discarded.


BW-49
STBX-49
together 33 years, married 24
most recent D-day 5/26/10
separated 12/5/10
financially-motivated UN-separation to come mid-January, 2011
trying to R, or at least happily coexist

Posts: 4436 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Chicago-ish
HeCheats
♀ Member
Member # 27278
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((BetsyBG)))

Betsy, can I just be frank with you?

Honey, You have spent years. Years trying to make this work. Of course I want you to be happy and it is your decision but all his trolling around really, ummm, makes me wonder.

I guess men think of sex a little differently than we do but still.....

He lied to you about having the ability to make love? Then he offered that gift to someone else? Did I read that right?

Sweetie, my heart breaks for you.

HC


A lying, cheating husband that leaves is God's way of saving a good woman from a complete asshole while she still has time to live her life!!! - A wise SIer

Me-BW 43
Him-WZ (that's Zombie)51
DD23, DS16
Dday 1 10/28/09
Dday 2 11/5/09


Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2010
BetsyBG
♀ Member
Member # 13920
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you read that right. He does have some degree of sexual disability. He allowed me to believe he could not have sex from 1999 until 2 years ago. During that time, we had sex 5 times.

He now claims that he was "just tired" and that, "after 18 months" he let me know "the pipes worked again." (These are his words; I never heard them.) He claims that I repeatedly rebuffed his advances.

If any of this happened, I must have been on another planet, because I was LOOKING for cues. I was wishing that I had a man who, although disabled, still considered MY needs. (I have friends with disabled husbands who have full sex lives; different, but full.) I would have welcomed ANY sexual overture that was perceptible--and been thrilled to find he could have sex.

He did not share it with me because he did not WANT to share it with me. In his more honest moments, he will admit this. Then immediately recant; it is more than he is able to face at the moment.

He did not make advances---he may have thought about sex (maybe even sex with me), but he did not follow through. His attitude now seems to be "well, if it's not worth much to her, fuck it." Only it WAS worth it to me---I truly believed he could not have it. (He does, to his credit, accept that I really believed this; he cannot explain, however, WHY I would believe it so long when his "version" diverges so significantly from mine.)

Thing is, after being rejected for SO long---and having an A and other liaisons tossed in for good measure---how do you EVER get enough sexual self-confidence back to have a relationship with anyone?

I feel so damaged, discarded, broken....and I have this (remorseless) man telling me he has always wanted me when he very clearly has not (and in his more honest moments will admit that he did not). I just don't see how it's possible.

He won't leave, though. He failed to consider, as he was having a relationship with another woman, that it might mean the end of his marriage. His magical thinking got the best of him.

And it's still winning, that magical thinking. I didn't cross his mind during his infidelities or the long periods of dishonesty in between. But when asked why I should invest more in the relationship, he said without hesitation, "Because you love me."

Magical thinking.

[This message edited by BetsyBG at 2:49 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]


BW-49
STBX-49
together 33 years, married 24
most recent D-day 5/26/10
separated 12/5/10
financially-motivated UN-separation to come mid-January, 2011
trying to R, or at least happily coexist

Posts: 4436 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Chicago-ish
Cee64D
♂ Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post in this forum.

We are in R and things are going well except in one area: Sex. When we have it, it's great. I enjoy it, she seems to enjoy it. I have always tried to be a giving and generous lover and FWW says she has no complaints. Yet, she had an affair.

We are in our 40s and I had gotten used to her libido decreasing as we got older. We were down to once or twice a month. Then during her affair her libido spikes to the point that it's almost too much. Then I find out about the affair. See, I thought this was the legendary middle age woman's libido spike. I thought she wanted me. Turns out that what it was was all the hot chat with OM via text msg that got her all ramped up. She denies this but I have problems with that denial.

Her affair consisted of lust-notes and txt msgs and (supposedly) a single physical encounter. The txt msgs continued for two months or so after that one time(?) until I found the lustnotes confirming my suspicion that "something" was going on. This was during the summer of 2008. Obviously, I have some lingering doubts about some of this.

Anyway, as I said during all this time her libido was off and running. After Dday (and HB) until now though we are right back where we were; once, maybe twice a month. She almost never initiates things and when I do it's always like I have to talk her into it. She could put all that energy into the OM, even walking 45 minutes to his house sans underwear to get laid, yet STILL - almost two years later - plays hard to get with me?

IT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF!! SHE went out and had this hot passionate affair while her "teddy bear" cluelessly thought everything was fine. WELL WHAT ABOUT ME? Where's all this passion for me now that OM is gone. Where's the hot talk for me, the enticement, the teasing looks.

Talking about this with her doesn't do much good. I get mad, she gets sad and starts apologizing all over again. I get that she's sorry it happened and I believe her. Except when it come to sex our relationship is very much like it was pre-A. She is more affectionate to me than she has been in years. But overall I still feel like a security blanket, a fall back safety zone. (OM was only interested in a fling)

But the feelings I am feeling are well beyond an unfulfilled sex life. It is the constant rejection, the constant feeling like you're not enough, the constant nagging in the back of your head about how the person you love is not attracted to you.
I SOOO know how that feels. I'm sick of it.

I find myself dwelling on the idea of having my own affair, hell it seems to have worked well enough for her. I know it's a stupid idea and not something I would ever do, I am a man of my word if nothing else and I took vows, but there is one voice in the back of the hall that keeps bringing the subject up. I hate that guy, I hate that he's a part of my internal arguments, but if I weakened just a bit, he could win.

I read somewhere that one man's answer to bad days in his relationship could alter his commitment.

On good days he was committed to his wife.

On bad days he was committed to his marriage.

On really bad days he was committed to his commitment.

That's my anchor. That's what keeps me from going rogue. But any advice to improve the situation would be dearly appreciated...


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the thread Cee.

We are in our 40s and I had gotten used to her libido decreasing as we got older. We were down to once or twice a month. Then during her affair her libido spikes to the point that it's almost too much. Then I find out about the affair. See, I thought this was the legendary middle age woman's libido spike. I thought she wanted me. Turns out that what it was was all the hot chat with OM via text msg that got her all ramped up. She denies this but I have problems with that denial.

Whoa, are you me? We're on the once or twice a month plan, if I'm lucky, then in November it was almost too much. Also in November my W was emailing, texting and calling her HS boyfriend, but there was no connection between the too, none. Absolutely no connection.

They're no longer in contact, and it's back to once a month, if I'm lucky. But there was no connection.

I don't have an answer. If I bring up our shitty sex life, it improves for a month, and then dwindles back to once a month, if I'm lucky. I'm tired of bringing it up, if I wanted more sex in 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, do you think it's different in 2010?

MC might help, but my W has a lot of trouble keeping appointments with her Pysch and her IC. How can we fit another in.

Discussing my needs helps for the short term.

Time might help, maybe my libido will die as I get older. Maybe I'll be in a situation where D is palatable. Maybe DW's libido will kick up. Maybe the horse will sing.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
rottenkitty
♀ Member
Member # 18247
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe the horse will sing.

That's about how I feel. There's not much hope after nearly 2 1/2 years. I just turned 40, and refuse to waste any more years in a sexless relationship. It might be different if he was doing something to fix it, but he's not. I always got plenty of affection from him....more cuddling, kissing and hand-holding than most women. But it got to the point where all of that just felt like a LIE. I kept thinking, wow, people probably think we have a hot sex life. What a joke.

Denying a woman sex for long it so hurtful. It tanks your self-esteem. The constant rejection kills me. And it's embarrassing for a woman to talk about how her partner will not have sex with her. Men being refused sex seems more socially acceptable. I hear guys talking about it all the time. You never hear a woman say their man won't have sex with them. It's the old cliché....men want sex, women don't. The people here at SI are the only people who know my boyfriend doesn't put out. It's embarrassing to feel so unattractive. If I said something about this at work, there might be a whole lot of reasons offered as to why he wouldn't have sex with me. But they all come down to one thing, there is something wrong with me. With men being rejected, it's just the "way women are."

Not saying it sucks any less for the guys here. I just wonder if it doesn't affect your ego the way it does mine.


Posts: 251 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
Cee64D
♂ Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I said something about this at work, there might be a whole lot of reasons offered as to why he wouldn't have sex with me. But they all come down to one thing, there is something wrong with me.

It doesn't feel any different when you're a guy, Kitty, as I'm sure Lonerider can attest.

It's obviously not the "way women are" or their would be nothing but guys in this thread. Maybe it's something endemic to the WS's thinking.

Frankly, I'm jealous of her. She got all the excitement of the affair, the Drama of her husband fighting for her and of course I "won"... (yipee) And after all that she still has her big ol' teddy bear to snuggle with.

I am TWICE the man OM was, physically, mentally and morally. He was a skinny little pipsqueak with poor spelling, NO grammar, a big nose and a bald spot right in the middle of his mullet. I could ball him up and put him in my hip pocket for a doggy treat and he knows it, the craven coward. And the best she had to offer she gave to him.

It hurts. If I let it funnel down into anger I'd be mad enough to chew anchor chain and spit nails. I don't know what else to do. IC for her was a bust, she went one time. Our MC frankly did the best he could with what he had to work with but that reached a logical conclusion months ago.

I love my wife dearly, more than life itself, but I also need to feel like I'm more than just her best friend. I need to feel desired too.

Funny. The whole reason for her affair was outside validation (I didn't count since I was 'biased'). Now I know what that feels like...


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
rottenkitty
♀ Member
Member # 18247
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, Cee, you're right. It sounds like you feel exactly as I do. And I know the only way to change the feeling is for the desire to be there. I want nothing more than to be with the man I love, but I want him to want me. I want him to chase me around and look at me with lust.

You're right, it is so damn unfair that they give their best to someone else and they still get you...the real prize. Your post made me get teary-eyed. I see now how it doesn't matter if you are a man or woman. I'm truly sorry for the pain you are going through. Somehow knowing you are the good guy and knowing you are the better choice doesn't make it any easier when your partner doesn't want to intimately connect with you. I really wish I had an answer to "why"...that's all I've ever wanted. I've always told him if he would just tell me what the problem is, I would move heaven and earth to help fix it. And I truly would. But nothing. The only thing he has ever said is that it's not me, it's him. That is no consolation at all.


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