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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
am I crazy
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Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I guess I belong here too. My h decided that he doesn't want to have sex with me as I have gained too much weight and is not attracted to me. Well I weigh 137 lbs and although I weighed about 15 lbs less when we met I do not think I am fat. I moved out and am desperate to talk to someone outside the family.

BS 44
WS 48
Multiple OW on internet

"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink

Life is great!

Posts: 269 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Lost, but looking for myself
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Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, December 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My reason for not having sex with my husband frequently before I knew about his affairs was that I thought there was something wrong with me and my husband was always getting mad when I refused him. Then I found out about his affairs and went to IC. I have now figured out that I am not attracted to my husband, because for years he has ignored me except when he wants sex. I like sex; but right now I don't want it with my husband. The fact that he has ignored me for so long and had sex with all these other women- is a big turn off to put it mildly.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Sep 2010
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Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know if I should be posting here considering I am the WGF who is not interested in sex. Even though my Dday was 5months ago, I am sure I dont want to be touched. I give my BBF oral sex so that he is happy but that is as far as I want to go. My being uncomfortable with sex has come from the fact that he said some very hurtful things after Dday that make me feel ashamed of being a sexual being and enjoying it. Yes I am ashamed of even thinking about having sex. So I would rather not be touched at this point in time, which I do not see ending for a while to come.

Me: WS 23yrs

Complicated mad hatter situation

Status: With all the Ddays, lets just say the clock was set back to Jan 2012.

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Cradle of mankind
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Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Thanks for your reply. While I'm the BS in my situation I am very much in an asexual marriage right now and we are going on 4 years out from D-Day. I know that I said some very VERY hurtful things to my FWW. I said some things that I would be embarassed if my mother ever heard them come out of my mouth. I said some things that if there were no A, would be worthy of a nasty divorce.

However, from the BS perspective, I earned the right to say some of those things due to the level of hurt I was going through at the time. I never got physical with my FWW and although some would say that it would have been justified, I believe I did more or at least as much damage with my words as I could have ever done with my hand.

I'm not saying what I did was right. I am saying that given what she did to words were forgivable. I did not go out and have the revenge affair, I never laid a hand on her. Now, we are a few years out from D-Day, and I'm being told that she's just not into sex. She refused to initiate anything EVER and I've been told no so many times that I've stopped asking. I have now spelled it out for her. She's got one more year to figure this out or we're done. Everything else about our marriage is great. Communication has not always been her strong suit but she's getting better. I stuck by her through depression 7 years ago when she was crying all the time and asexual. I stuck by her after her A. I've repeatedly tried to initiate a sexual relationship with my Wife who I love and am tired of being rejected.

For those Waywards out there who are experiencing this, please take into consideration that by abstaining from the biggest reason people get hurt in A's, you are only keeping the rift open and in my case may be the end of a marriage if not solved.

I love my Wife but I also have to be physical with her and if that's not a possibility, then I need to move on. Selfish??? Maybe but it's not like I haven't tried and I'm not the one who fucked up...
WOW this kind of turned into a rant rather than a response. For that I apologize.



Posts: 233 | Registered: Nov 2006
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Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, January 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are any of the BSs not interested?? My WH & I have not touched each other in over 4 mths. He would ask me and I would decline. I know he is still having sex, just not with me. There is a small part of me that does not care, and feel at least he is not asking me for it anymore, because there is a larger part of me that does not want to see, be near, touch, smell or even know he is in the same zipcode as me at any given moment. This way I do not have to fake it. Can anybody relate?

Me-BW early 40s
Him-WH early 40s
conflictedly torn

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2010
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Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, January 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lost interest in sex. It was like I didn't understand it anymore, thinking about sexual behavior, and stuff just seemed foreign to me, it was weird.

He was just pissed at me all the time. Who wants to be intimate with someone who shows such anger. Intimacy lost all the way around.

It would have been a better choice to have worked with me to see if as a team we could work on libido. Communication has always been sexy to me. If he had put the effort into helping me instead of seeing me as a foe, I may not be here now.

(this is pre A. Post Confirmation day, it's been rabbit city)

[This message edited by IntuitionKnows at 4:17 PM, January 7th (Friday)]

The affair wasn't the worst...

Posts: 400 | Registered: Dec 2010
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Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, January 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You and I seem to be on the same page. I'm the BS and he's had multiple affairs due to my not having a strong a sex drive as him.

My desire for him is basically non-existent. That being said, I have always been a "good wife/mom" in all other ways and he says I'm the best friend he has.

But yeah, mostly repulsed by him at this point.

Me: 44
WH: 45
Married 14 years
14 year old son w/Autism
D-Days: They have never really stopped long enough for me to heal. He blames all affairs on my lack of libido. (Which, of course, I blame on his multiple affairs).

I am working on my 180.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: PA
Dark Mark
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Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I love my Wife but I also have to be physical with her and if that's not a possibility, then I need to move on. Selfish??? Maybe but it's not like I haven't tried and I'm not the one who fucked up..

we have a few things in common. we're both in a sexless M and we both got cheated on by people who seemingly have low libido.

it's not selfish at all to want and try to reclaim your sex life. in my case, the A happened 10 years into our M which had been effectively sexless for 8 yrs except for when we were trying to get pg.
we have been in R for at least the last 2 1/2 years and i just told WH last night - this has got to improve. you can't hold my sexuality hostage like this anymore. please don't make me think that leaving is the only option to address the lack of sex in my life.

sex has never been a strong point in our M, but i was able to live with that bc i thought it resulted from physical issues for WH (he had one testicle removed in his teens and has had low testosterone levels as an adult). you can imagine how betrayed i felt when WH confessed his ONS - it felt like a double betrayal - once for the act itself, and also for the many years i tried to bury my need for sex that i wasn't getting in the M, but didn't cheat to obtain. WTF?

i'm not sure what else to tell you other than the approach i'm taking now. last night (i triggered big time after holding my tongue for a few months), i told him 'i want you to write down 5 ways you're going to address our lack of sex life, and i want to see you assign dates to the timeframe you expect to achieve these things.' i expect that list to include things like 'i'll read once per week from those books you gave me' and 'i'll check in with you once a week to see what you need from me in our M.'

fairytale, you're not selfish for wanting sex and feeling that if you can't establish that part of your M, you need to move on. remember that *WS* is the one that forever changed the dynamic of your M because of *her* ultimate selfish act. the only benefit available here is to improve your M from where it was pre-A, and it sounds like sex is a critical part of that for you. it's part of what you need to feel R. don't be ashamed of that.

good luck, and keep us posted on how things are going!

[This message edited by Dark Mark at 10:23 PM, January 9th (Sunday)]

Me - BW, 45.
Him - WH, 48. ONS w massage therapist 11/01/07...charming.
Married 13 years
Three beautiful children - DS 9, Twin DDs 4.
DD - 11/25/07
We're staying M - WH is 100% in, i'm 100% in 90% of the time...

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Southern CA
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Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FTD: I know that for the WS to go off sex, especially after they are the ones who destroyed the sex in the relationship makes it a bigger problem. I feel guilty, especially of late but I think I need to explain my situation abit.

> My love language is physical touch. After the As when we would talk the insults woild not affect me as much as being told that I am oversexed. It hurts to write this because this is the first time I am talking about this. Though I understand that he was hurt, its worse because he attacked me not because of the As but my sexual history. It hurts for him to say that now he wants a virgin. What I am saying is that my sexual confidence has been severly eroded. I dont trust that if we were to get intimate that he is not thinking of being with a virgin. And the fact that I was upfront when we began dating yet he lied and said he was not a virgin, just for him to start attacking me when he confessed hurts even more. My lack of desire is not linked to his insults post Dday, those I understand and know I deserved those 200%.

> What I am trying to explaon in a very long winded story is that I am not confident to be with him and what hurts is that he feels he has to stay because I took his virginity (without knowing) yet I know I do not please him somy body switched off and I am no longer interested in being intimate and that applies to any man for a while to come.

Me: WS 23yrs

Complicated mad hatter situation

Status: With all the Ddays, lets just say the clock was set back to Jan 2012.

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Cradle of mankind
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Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, January 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm way more interested in having sex than my WS ~ before Dday & after ~ he's always been the one to have a headache or claim tiredness.

I can't figure him out and I'm about to give up trying to.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2010
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Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, February 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling discouraged. fWH claims his 'pain' issues just make him uninterested in anything physical. Even if he didn't want sex, what I would give to have 1 or 2 french kisses every day. That would be enough. Didn't even get Valentine's nookie (usually a given)....and sent COM to my mom's overnight Saturday, but no luck in luring fWH into anything physical.

He realized I've been really depressed lately. I told him that I just cannot tell if he loves me anymore, and that it's killing me.

Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Compost Heap
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Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dark Mark- we have a few things in common. we're both in a sexless M and we both got cheated on by people who seemingly have low libido.

I'm the "low libido" wayward in a sexless LTR, so maybe my perspective can help out either the BS or WS in this kind of f'd up situation.

Disclaimer: I'm still very much trying to figure this out, so this is by no means conclusive, but maybe it will still be useful to someone? I'm hoping I'll be able to figure out more in the weeks/months to come.

A big question that has been on my mind about the A is about sex. At least for me, I wonder, how could I believe I had low-libido for most of my life and then suddenly have the libido to have sex with the absolute wrong person, by cheating?

Itís an ugly and uncomfortable question, which is probably why Iíve avoided thinking about it until recently. But I think it is a big part of my betrayal, and Iím pretty sure has been like having salt rubbed in my BSOís wound. Here he was being a very patient, understanding SO, accepting and not pushing me about my low-libido for nearly 10 years! Then I go and screw some other guy. I canít even imagine the pain- and itís been hard to face that.

What I think it really has to do with is my dysfunctional relationship with sex. I think I carry a lot of shame about sex, and the only way I could express my sexuality was if it was secret and illicit. I let my libido get suppressed to the point that it busted out and expressed itself in an ugly, screwed up way.

When I think about it more, even masturbating, I was so uncomfortable with it that I always did it in secret and never shared it with anyone, even my BSO. I was afraid to be found out, so I always did it in secret.

It seems the only time I could be free sexually ďwithĒ my BSO, so to speak, was in my sleep, because my deep seated embarrassment and shame could not get in the way. He said that sometimes I would masturbate in my dreams and that was a turn-on for him. But once I was awake, there I was, ashamed again and Ms. Low Libido again.

I think that has been a big barrier to having any sex life to speak of, because I couldnít even talk about how I felt about sex and what I wanted about it directly. It was easier to just create and believe a story about me that I was just ďlow libidoĒ and there was nothing to be done about it, that I was some sort of freak. I have believed this for a very long time (since childhood I think- though I wasnít abused or anything like that.) So, I considered myself very lucky when it appeared my BSO was able to live with my so-called problem, love me, stick by me and agree to marry me.

To further that story I created, I think I even held myself back from thinking too much about sex because I was embarrassed about thinking about it even, and so therefore did not let myself go down the mental pathways that would lead to arousal. I did that for enough years (again since some point in my childhood) that my mind got trained just not to go there anymore. But really, it was still there. Itís like breathing and hunger; I could only suppress and deny it to myself for so long before it came out with a vengeance.

I used to think, right after the A sort of shocked me out of believing I had a ďlow libidoĒ, that the fact that our whole relationship was pretty darn sexless (once every 2-4 months?) perhaps meant that me and my BSOís relationship was doomed. I was also still in the fog, too, so I tend to discredit that thought, though.

But now I feel like thereís more hope, because our lack of passion is not something fundamental about us as a couple, but something for me to work on through IC, reading and working on it more proactively. You know, a dysfunction, like any, that can be worked on. Not a fundamental, unchangeable fact. Just realizing that is very empowering for making change.

I canít guarantee it will succeed, but I think trying to work through it is worthwhile for me (and perhaps for him too) to gain better skills around communicating about and creating sexual intimacy, which will help us, whether we stay together or move on.

It will remain to be seen whether my BSO will want to wait for me to get my act together in terms of sexuality, but Iím going to start doing the work anyway, because itís something I have to face at some point, or I canít ever hope to be a good partner to anyone, ever.

My IC suggested a book called _Real Sex for Real Women_, to get me started on thinking about how to get over my shame of talking about and thinking about sex. Iíll let you guys know if it is helpful, and what, if any, progress I make on this front.

But seriously, it is so amazing that for me, something as seemingly innocuous as *shame* kept me from talking and even thinking about sex for so long, and may have ruined a potentially wonderful relationship with a wonderful man. But no more of this crap!

Good luck to everyone. I hope we all find some resolution to our sexless relationships and marriages.

Edited to fix typos and wording.

[This message edited by Compost Heap at 12:45 AM, February 24th (Thursday)]

Out of this rotting, stinking heap of garbage will hopefully someday arise a rich fertilizer for love, compassion, mindfulness and wisdom.

Posts: 147 | Registered: Dec 2010
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Concerned  Posted: 10:52 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay - deep breath. I haven't posted on anything for a LONG time. I lurk and read. I am 2 yrs and 8 months out from my husband's EA and 19 years out from his LTA. We had copious HB after the EA for about 2 months and since then have had zero sex. He does take Crestor and has had ED since starting it. He has Viagra ( a 10 pill prescription given for a trial 18 months ago - it still has 3 pills left in the bottle). I have tried talking to him but he gets all "hurt" when I bring up the fact that I miss sex and am becoming increasingly frustrated living like roommates or brother and sister. To make it worse...I have been finding porn sites in our cookies on our computer(s)and he changed security settings to delete history. So obviously he has a libido just not for me. I said these words aloud to myself in the car yesterday "I don't want to do this anymore." Bu ending a 32 year marriage (on 03/19) for sex seems...I can't find the word...sad?? pathetic???

Don't know if anyone will read this but I just needed to put these words down.

"...then suddenly you changed and now I don't know who you are. Or could it be that I never really knew you from the start?" -The Scarlet Pimpernel-

Posts: 93 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: South Dakota
Socal Mommy
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Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H isn't very interested in me either. I don't know what to do. He says it is him and I believe that. I love sex and have no intimacy issues. He is addicted to oline porn and women. How do I compete with that? I appreciated the comments form the WS above who said it was her issues not her H that made her cheat. I know my H has issues like hers.

DD#1 Feb. 2002
DD#2 Feb. 2010
DD#3 May 2010
Me: 41
H: 42
M: 10 years
3 kids

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Ca
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Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, March 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are we supposed to compete with all the porn out there?? Those people are fake! They are ACTING out peoples FANTASY situations! Like I'm gonna go wax off any and all body hair, get boobs that are three times they should be and then act like a total a##!! Come on, let's be a little realistic!

DD: 2/12/11
Me (BS): 31
Him (WS): 32
Together: 13 years
Married: 3 1/2 years

Posts: 21 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Hell
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Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mY WH had low libido also before and after A..its been our biggest obstacle in R.
Ive always wanted kinkier sex and he would shrug his shoulders and say hes "more traditional"(try not to lol as he is the one who cheated not me..???) now i take it so personal and after putting on ridiculous lingerie and having him lose his erection mid bj none the less and then no initiation to retry at all for past two weeks,im already planning on rejecting him whenev he does try bc weve just talked about it so much now its this huge thing just tired of being rejected and i dont need a pity fuck

(Me)Bw late 30s
5/1/10 The day I learned Lucifer roams the earth among us wearing many disguises.( Double Betrayal wh and the live in nanny) Status-LimboLand

Posts: 429 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Florida
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Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tresseeme..I could have written your post(except we've been married 21 years and my D-Day was in April)..FWH never had a big libido, so I toned mine down to match his.Our sex life as well as our marriage went downhill.Then after my FWH's heart attack, he was impotent (turned out later it was the new meds).Three years later (with no sex in 2 years)FWH had a short affair.After I left and came back, we, or should I say I, had HB.After the TT continued for a month, and ow let me know they were still involved.After 2nd D-day our sex life dropped tremendously, and has continued to drop off to 2-3 times a month.FWH has ed issues (meds have been changed several times).FWH also revealed that he couldn'e "finish" half the time with me and never did with the ow...What am I to do??? Could some FWS ,please tell me?? FWH went to the dr once, they changed his meds but now he has no desire to make this better and won't talk to the dr again.....HELP!!!

Me- BW (47) ...Him- FWH (51) ...6 week PA, possible EA w/ same fow
Married 21 years; 4 children
D-Day #1 4/3/10 FWH only admitted to one kiss
D-Day #2 4/30/10 FWH had never went NC,as promised,ow sent proof of PA
In R..doing good..MC for 9 months

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2010
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Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, April 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

socalmommy-my hubby is addicted to porn i think as well. i told him i refuse to compete with that, and that he needed to do something about it i refuse to hold his hand and do everything for him on this. what exactly are we supposed to do when they prefer the porn to us? that is not normal!!!

Me: BS 32
Him: WS 33
Married 7 years together for 9
DDay 10/13/10
with my best friend
3 kids 11,5,2
In slow recovery

Posts: 262 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Austin Tx
story to tell
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Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never thought I'd be on this thread. After all the hypersexuality back in Sep-Oct of last year, then my WW's posting on Craigslist that led to the affair, and a few weeks of HB that eventually settled down to a normal routine, I thought those kind of difficulties were past.

However, around Dec. the sex started being less frequent. And now, I think we've had sex twice in the last four months. Not nearly enough!

Possibly the Zoloft she's taking, although we're afraid to get off that because she may become the monster she was back in Oct. She is going to try to substitute St. John's Wort for the Zoloft, to see if that helps.

She just has no desire at all right now, and my desire keeps increasing. I can't hardly think of anything else but sex anymore. I get hard just watching shampoo commercials.

Our MC suggested that we put it on the calendar, just like it was a date for some appointment. He claims that once you start having sex, you start wanting it more. I think this is true, but I'm having trouble getting WW to even try this. I'm getting to the point where I'm ready to just demand that she lie down and spread 'em, although that seems a little rape-ish.

I can't let it go on too much longer, though. I refuse to have an affair, or visit a brothel, but I refuse to live in a sexless marriage, too. Masturbation is nice, but it's no substitute for a good, healthy sexual relationship with a partner.

ME: BS, 46
Her: WW, 42
Married 14 years
2 young girls
EA 10/14/10-11/03/10
PA 10/22/10-11/03/10
DDay 11/04/10

Posts: 367 | Registered: Nov 2010
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Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay here's the deal this should be I guess considered a rant, but I'm glad there is a post and forum for this. My short marriage of 4 months we lived together 6 months, has had it moments and ups and downs, and for those that want to catch up to this point can see my earlier posting which leads me to this post. So Here is the deal, my now wife and I have been having issues and some times difficult conversations concerning our lack of a decent sex life, she has insisted it isn't me that she gets sexual excited, BUT hasn't the desire to have sex. I don't know, but I find that odd, coupled with what has taken place in the recent short past with us. Caught her secretly texting and exchanging emails with an old boy friend on Valentines day when she was drunk, which she was the OW in that nightmare, and I believe texting and some phone calls had been going on for a long time till I cought her. Prior to that I caught her texting another old boy friend on his birthday. Since these occassions, I have felt like I am being used, before me she was putting herself out there to a lot men in what appeared to be looking for just a booty call or good time, I know this since I hacked her FB account. Does she have an alcohol problem to boot I say yes consdering she drinks by herself late in the night till she staggers to bed, this occurs several times through out the month, just not on certain occassions, does she use Pot, yeah she does, constantly has to hit it first thing in the morning, is she on anti anxiety meds, yep those to, so is a combination of every thing from low self estem, alcohol and drug use which causes her to say I do get sexual excited, but I just don't have the desire and it's not you, or am I just stupid to believe that I have gotten myself in to another ride down in the rabbitt hole with a person who can't be trusted because all she knows is how to use and abused the only good thing that ever walked in to her life, I am open for suggestions on this.


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