He truly does have body aches due to arthritis, but doesn't allow that to stop any other area of his life. It just feels like a slap in the face and that I am the bottom priority. Warning TMI coming here: I have approached the subject of him meeting my needs even when HE is not in the mood. NOPE...doesn't do that, but it's okay if I do that for HIM.
Once I gave up asking - and usually not getting any - and if I did it was problems with an erection (even WITH viagra), leading to him finishing but not me... - there's literally been no sex at all for almost a year now.
We've been M since 2006 - probably had sex less than 20 times. Yep, he's a real prize :(
it's all about James Hunter, now ;)
And here's the 180 link:
Once I discovered what was going on, I pretty much shut down. I wasn't interested. Nor was she. If all the stars aligned correctly, we could maybe have a sexual encounter once a month, but even at that, I just wasn't "into it" anymore.
Even a vacation in the Caribbean didn't reignite anything. We were just physically done with each other. Six months after vacation, we had sex again, and it was the most awkward, disturbing sex I have ever had. I couldn't even stay til the end to see how it turned out.
Since the decision to divorce, I haven't had the slightest urge. That's been...6 months.
At this point, I don't know that I can be convinced that sex is for anything other than trying to manipulate, coerce, control, modify behavior, reward, punish. Harumpf.
He blames me for a lack of sex. He gives the excuse that he didn't feel like "he could seal the deal" and medical issues as a reason for no sex. I feel like a total piece of ugly shit. I'm thinking if getting a stiffy was a REAL problem, he'd persued some viagra and not chasing women. I bet he does get a HO by watching porn. Or fanticising about someone. I kinda got a feeling that it's not a problem then. Ass wipe
She doesn't initiate even when I send pretty obvious signals. When I initiate, which I've more or less stopped trying to do, it's either a not interested or more like a submission than actual interest.
I'm fed up with it- it's likely just the result of a bad relationship but really, it gives me no incentive to pursue things relationship wise if I feel it's just going to be sexless regardless of what else happens good or bad.
No kids (2 by me from prior)
[This message edited by hopefulnyc at 12:09 AM, August 25th (Thursday)]
Trying to R and pretend it never happened, which isn't working out as well as you might expect!
The extremely low sex drive. Im talking MONTHS between, and me being turned down (pre A) is what f**** with me sometimes. Any thoughts>
After finding out about his A we did the HB and after that AI tried to get him to be more explorative.That didn't happen. At first sex was just that sex and then I realizex I could have that type of sex life with anybody on the street. I wanted the sex and the emotions to be something special between us. It's not because that 3rd person sneaks into either his or my mind at different times and it happens during sex a lot. Best way to avoid the thoughts is to avoid sex or start life over with a new partner.
So....I can't be more than one person so have no idea how to deal with that one....
So in a nutshell he can do it as long as he isn't thinking about me.
[This message edited by healing4us2 at 7:51 AM, April 8th (Sunday)]
After my 5 minutes (which might take WEEKS of nightly initiating to get in that perfect zone where she could stick it out), it would be another month, two months or three months to get another 5 minutes.
Of course, in her affairs, she just jumps in bed and screws like wild, oral sex, different positions, no condoms and he ejaculates inside her. All the chat logs of excruciating detail of her desired sex with him for months between... boy, talk about contrast.
Arousal and orgasm for her is just something she reserves for diseased douche bags, I guess.
I read a reply earlier about how the WS says that "I'm trying!" nonsense, which she does now. What she is trying is beyond me since all she ever does is post on the internet or call her mother and say I never initiated with her and never made her feel sexually desired. So I guess persistently trying to initiate sex with her EVERY NIGHT for months, buying her outfits and constantly telling her how much I want to make love to her daily is sexual rejection.. LOL.
[This message edited by MediumRare at 12:57 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]
Fast forward to post A his drive is still very high but he has had ongoing issues with ED. he has been diagnosed as pre diabetic and takes metformin for that.
My drive has taken a nose dive to being nearly non existant. I find my mind wandering and anger at his choices an A which have given me a gift that keeps on giving. I find that I can rarely find a desire to be sexual because I feel like he is only interested in sex and not the emotional or psychological bonding that we used to have.
He is feeling rejected and makes comments about me not being as intimate or that our sex life is not like it used to be. DUH...
It seems to me that there will always be others in our relationship because of the results of his A.... we now have to deal with addtional financial hardships from his having to pay CS for OC and medical issues that werent there before from the VD that he got from the OW and graciously gave to me.
OTOH, I love sex, absolutely love it, multiple positions, long and languorous with foreplay and patience, quickies, massages, etc. I've seriously wanted to shag every attractive woman I've met. But, I've only had three partners, and I've never cheated despite multiple opportunities.
So the affair was extremely hurtful, after all the rejection, and her telling me what she had done.
We went through a lot of HB sex, she was wanting to do things that she wouldn't do before, to somehow make it up to me.
Now, two years out, our sex life is dead again.
I'm the only man who has ever been able to give her an orgasm, but the problem is that true intimacy is an everlasting struggle for her. She gained that in the last two years as she began talking, but now she doesn't seem to have the willpower or ability to continue it.
She says that she finds me sexually attractive, but she doesn't act on it because of how she feels about herself in that department.
No matter what I tell her, no matter what I say, she doesn't believe me. She believed the OM, at least initially, the affair was a huge ego boost (for her and him...not for me).
I think you fill some of your wife’s needs, but you lack in many areas. Take the point of view this is your problem and get off the wife needs fixing. This is not about your “sex performance”. Every woman is built to want sex more frequently than you believe.
I am a strong believer that sex is love for a man and not for a woman. She needs a whole bunch of other things. So, you are not meeting those needs. Work hard now to try and figure out how.
Most men need sex every couple days where woman once a month. But a woman can have sex everyday when you can connect with her mind. Attract her!
Things you must have...
- Masculinity - Has your wife house trained you to do her chores? What "men" things do you do? What is your status in society? You a “stand up” kinda man?
- How about being hard worker? EVERYTIME. Being lazy is not attractive
- A must! Affirm her everyday. Affirm her in different ways. "I appreciate" I "thank you" You are "nice" "beautiful" and the hundreds of ways to tell your wife she is…A good wife in every different way. This must be done everyday. EVERYDAY.
- More everyday, touch her everyday. Greet with kiss. Kiss her with passion every few days, 3 or 4 non sexual touches….
- Are you good a conflict? Resolving conflict in a loving way.
- You must be positive and lead her into a positive directions.
- Can you lead your wife? Lead her into knowing that she should want to have sex with you. NOT MUST HAVE sex with you, but she wants to have sex with you.
- Is your wife feeling bad about her? You need to help her feel forgiven, feel it is ok to have sex.
- Your wife needs your total approval. She nees to feel safe in every way around you.
- Romance her! NO more quickies. Sometimes that begins early in the day. Be creative! Games, trips, etc.
- You must totally live in TODAY. Place her A in a spot and control yourself.
- Allow God to be first. Then your wife second.
You also need to search on how to be attractive man… then change yourself. You will see then.
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:10 AM, April 15th (Sunday)]