I think it's half and who initiates sex, but according to my H it's always him.
imo, the one who initiates sex is the one that indicates their desire for sex first, either physically or verbally.
I feel like familiar is no turn on; the illicitness of this tramp was what turned him on. "It was about the heat" he says....
I have been blamed in our whole marriage of not wanting sex. I really truly felt I had a problem. Its not that I did not want sex, I just shut down and we did not talk about it so it became the HUGE elephant in the room.
Now after R and HB and being back together for almost 4 years the old patterns start creeping back in, on both our sides. But after an A and alot of therapy I am trying to dig deeper myself to answer my own questions in regards to this. Sad to say that I find sex with my H to be mostly one sided, meaning for years I thought that since it took me many times a little longer to O then he did that the problem was my fault. If I did not O my H a long time ago would take some time but in the last 10 years takes no time. After blaming myself for so long I had to really dig deep and get beyond my embarrassment and try to talk about this. I really am happy when my H reaches climax, truly, but I am left carrying the left overs of nothing when we are done. Now don't get me wrong, this does not happen ALL the time, but I would say most of the time. We both have alot of honesty we need to hash out, well at least I will on my end and see where it goes.
Just being honest here. Embarrassed but honest. Trying to figure out where in my youth I thought it was OK to be with someone and yet not find my "own" voice so to speak in the bedroom. My voice after the A though may bring us closer or send us apart. I have found that I fought for my marriage as a family but never felt strong enough to speak the truth of my own needs in the bedroom.
I hate to say I will never initiate again.
What to do with how I feel which is horny often.
I feel goddamn stuck!
Your answer is in your tagline. If your spouse is an addict, he is incapable of intimacy until he is sober and in recovery. This takes a long time, but yes it can get better!
Read some posts in the I Can Relate Forum for spouses of Sex addicts. You will find you are not alone.
I recommend reading Mending a Shattered Heart just as soon as you can. It helped me so much. It brings so many factors together to make sense of things you never realize are connected.
Now we do not have sex at all. there is no affectionate touching. I asked WH why. I told WH even though I am hurt and Angry I still find him Sexy, Beautiful and Alluring. He doesn't even stiffen when I touch him, but he told me that he is mastubating daily. I think he is still thinking of her and I don't want to ask him because the answer will piss me out again. She did things with him that I have never done with anyone. If he had asked before I may have treid to go with it, but now, I just can't and I know that he wants these things.
However, I kind of have a promise to myself not to initiate again. I of course am tired of rejection, but I want to make sure she wants it the next time it happens. But, even then, will I know? Because I have threatened to divorce over the lack of sex, and if I really move toward D she might force herself, which I do not want either.
OK, it's a bit of a dweeby thing to say but I think the not-having-sex is kind of a vicious circle and self-reinforcing, because I have read that having sex releases "happy chemicals" that help you bond with your partner and want them more.
It's in my WW's court now, her move, and if I divorce because of this, it's her problem.
I know divorce and the mess it unleashes will be a bitch. All that pain in your life for refusing to sleep with your man here and there! By the way, she doesn't touch or hug me neither and I moved out of our master bed long ago when we were at the height of our difficulties and she expessed distaste for me.
I am not so terrible looking and don't smell that bad. Ultimately, if she lets this happen she is dumb, dumb, dumb.
Before the A, my WH and I had a pretty good sex life. When the A started, we had a sudden increase in frequency. As it continued, our frequency took a dive, but I attributed it to the fact that I was pregnant and as I got bigger, he was less interested. Then, after D Day, I wanted to "reclaim my territory" and we had sex like rabbits.
The problem is that after D Day, I could never climax. I'm not sure why, exactly. I know that our emotional intimacy was so damaged, that physical intimacy was hard for me. There were mental movies. There was fear. There were so many things in the way, but I wanted to prove to him, so to speak, that what we had was good. That being with her was a mistake, because he has everything he needs and wants at home already. So, I never said anything. I didn't tell him that I was not reaching orgasm.
Now, a year and half out, we have an active sex life, but I am totally unfulfilled. I've never reached orgasm easily, but to go a year and a half without one at all...well...
Am I alone in this?
Says never loved me, can't have sex unless loves. Used fantasy during our marriage.
Now that the truth is out, and can't/won't use fantasy, won't have sex with me.
Married 32 years. Had sex with another while we were "dating" steadily for 6 1/2 years and sex with OW while we were married.
Says those were "love". No love with me, therefore no sex.
Says he wants sex, just not with me.
MC said without it, relationship won't survive. Pushed to "attempt". He was totally revolted to have me touch him, on his knee.
Cannot get an erection, no desire for me.
Doesn't want, love or care for me, my "persona".
Every night of lying next to a "roommate" becomes harder and harder.
Yet he is in MC with me over 1 year-doesn't want it, feel it, wants to leave -but stays.
What is he waiting for?
I dont like the fact that I still want sex with her, but I do. We are in seperate bedrooms right now, and every other night or so we lay down together and just chill, but no sex. I am doing the 180 and just leaving when she says she doesnt want it, no argueing, just go up to my room, but how do I let her know how much I want and need it right now w/o her getting angry and defensive?
It has only been 2 1/2 weeks since d-day, so I guess I should just wait.
Four years out from D Day.
HB for two years.
Now nothing. It is me, I feel absolutely nothing.
Did anyone else have the best sex of their marriage WHILE the A was going on?
I did. Now, to be honest, it's not really enjoyable, and I feel a deep resentment, mixed with fear that the best sex we ever had or will have was while he was screwing someone else.
Most nights he doesn't even come to bed anymore - he sleeps on his "chair" in front of the TV. We don't have sex as often as I'd like to, but in the same breath, I don't have that big of an urge to be that close to him right now.
I don't know if this makes sense, but I just really want the sex, not the parner.
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
FWH is not ready for sex. Still is uncomfortable. We are talking about it finally, which is progress.
I am trying to be patient. He feels pressured. I get it. I have let him know that until we have sex I will be unable to put the A in the past. The very action of him going outside our M to have sex and now not being willing to at least try with me to have any type passionate physical connection keeps the A in the forefront. How can you let go of the A and heal when every day the lack of passion reminds you that he chose to reach out to someone else?
I want to move on. I truly do, more than anything. But how do i do that without a passionate intimate connection?
I just need to decide how long I am willing to wait. At least if I left the M I could put the A behind me and move on in a different direction.
anyone sort of "forcing" themselves to have sex with WS? i do have a high sex drive, i just don't trust him enough to give him my heart again. the mind movies are too much.
do i take care of myself and call it a day?
Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue
Watch your backs, Ladies. If your FWH is not interested and always had been up until he left the first time there is a great possibility that it's not the finances or the kids stressing him. It's the thought of doing his OW wrong.
have to agree here. if you think you're in R, and the sex suddenly stops again, it's a huge red flag that no contact has been broken.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect