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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
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Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a nonsexual spouse that is trying to make amends:
What is considered initiating?

I think it's half and who initiates sex, but according to my H it's always him.

Posts: 1059 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Member # 21636
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's a good question.

imo, the one who initiates sex is the one that indicates their desire for sex first, either physically or verbally.

me - BS

Posts: 1359 | Registered: Nov 2008
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Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, May 27th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HOW do I deal with this physical rejection when he was doing who knows what with the OW 20year younger?. Vomit.....

I feel like familiar is no turn on; the illicitness of this tramp was what turned him on. "It was about the heat" he says....

Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 28th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK...tiptoeing back in here. I feel like an emotional idiot when I talk about sex. But here goes.

I have been blamed in our whole marriage of not wanting sex. I really truly felt I had a problem. Its not that I did not want sex, I just shut down and we did not talk about it so it became the HUGE elephant in the room.

Now after R and HB and being back together for almost 4 years the old patterns start creeping back in, on both our sides. But after an A and alot of therapy I am trying to dig deeper myself to answer my own questions in regards to this. Sad to say that I find sex with my H to be mostly one sided, meaning for years I thought that since it took me many times a little longer to O then he did that the problem was my fault. If I did not O my H a long time ago would take some time but in the last 10 years takes no time. After blaming myself for so long I had to really dig deep and get beyond my embarrassment and try to talk about this. I really am happy when my H reaches climax, truly, but I am left carrying the left overs of nothing when we are done. Now don't get me wrong, this does not happen ALL the time, but I would say most of the time. We both have alot of honesty we need to hash out, well at least I will on my end and see where it goes.

Just being honest here. Embarrassed but honest. Trying to figure out where in my youth I thought it was OK to be with someone and yet not find my "own" voice so to speak in the bedroom. My voice after the A though may bring us closer or send us apart. I have found that I fought for my marriage as a family but never felt strong enough to speak the truth of my own needs in the bedroom.

Posts: 5519 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
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Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 28th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW would do anything for OM but I initiated 99% of the time.

I hate to say I will never initiate again.

What to do with how I feel which is horny often.

I feel goddamn stuck!

Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
I am Broken
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Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my H. rarely comes near me i'm just an itch he scratches rarely for about 5 seconds.In the 30 years we have been married,he has rarely come near me and always made excuses as to why.It comes out after D-day he hasn;t been attracted to me most the marriage,of course the OW was very sexy and attractive to him.I am some overweight but attractive,well,groomed,nice hair,makeup etc.We have a bit of a double standard going here,he's about 50# overweight,but that's ok.( I don't really care if he is) How do you live with that the rest of your life???So .I never initiate or will I .I will never let him see me undressed knowing how he feels and the comparison issue,which I will always be on the losing end of.It really sucks knowing ,in your whole life,you will never know what it is like to have a normal,fulfilling sexual relation.(or an emotional one either as he refuses to deal with anything)How the hell do I live like this????

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2008
Hurt & Betrayed
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Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 5th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to hear from the WS! I am the BS. We do have sex, but no intimacy. If I try to touch him, hug him, kiss him, NOTHING! Pushes me away. So what is the deal here? I need to understang why! He wants sex, but nothing more it seems! Does this get better or not?

ME: 37
Him: 37
Engaged 2 yrs.
D-day: 5/10/09
He is an internet and sex addict.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: WI
too trusting BW
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Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 5th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt and Betrayed,

Your answer is in your tagline. If your spouse is an addict, he is incapable of intimacy until he is sober and in recovery. This takes a long time, but yes it can get better!

Read some posts in the I Can Relate Forum for spouses of Sex addicts. You will find you are not alone.

I recommend reading Mending a Shattered Heart just as soon as you can. It helped me so much. It brings so many factors together to make sense of things you never realize are connected.

Me 39
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
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Member # 18652
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 5th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH was having sex with his AP everyday for 18months. During this time I was trying every that I could think of so that we could. Wh would not stiffen for long with me, but was having 2hr sessions with AP.

Now we do not have sex at all. there is no affectionate touching. I asked WH why. I told WH even though I am hurt and Angry I still find him Sexy, Beautiful and Alluring. He doesn't even stiffen when I touch him, but he told me that he is mastubating daily. I think he is still thinking of her and I don't want to ask him because the answer will piss me out again. She did things with him that I have never done with anyone. If he had asked before I may have treid to go with it, but now, I just can't and I know that he wants these things.

Half empty or Half full it is still Half

Posts: 206 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest USA
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Member # 23332
DOH!  Posted: 6:38 PM, June 5th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in this club. Two years and counting. Sadly, I am a simple man and if she were willing to have sex with me even just a few times a month I would be willing to overlook so many other things that are wrong about our relationship.

However, I kind of have a promise to myself not to initiate again. I of course am tired of rejection, but I want to make sure she wants it the next time it happens. But, even then, will I know? Because I have threatened to divorce over the lack of sex, and if I really move toward D she might force herself, which I do not want either.

OK, it's a bit of a dweeby thing to say but I think the not-having-sex is kind of a vicious circle and self-reinforcing, because I have read that having sex releases "happy chemicals" that help you bond with your partner and want them more.

It's in my WW's court now, her move, and if I divorce because of this, it's her problem.

I know divorce and the mess it unleashes will be a bitch. All that pain in your life for refusing to sleep with your man here and there! By the way, she doesn't touch or hug me neither and I moved out of our master bed long ago when we were at the height of our difficulties and she expessed distaste for me.

I am not so terrible looking and don't smell that bad. Ultimately, if she lets this happen she is dumb, dumb, dumb.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
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Member # 24094
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, June 5th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've really debated about posting this question. Feels so personal and a lot embarassing. But, maybe, just maybe someone else has had this problem or at least read about it.

Before the A, my WH and I had a pretty good sex life. When the A started, we had a sudden increase in frequency. As it continued, our frequency took a dive, but I attributed it to the fact that I was pregnant and as I got bigger, he was less interested. Then, after D Day, I wanted to "reclaim my territory" and we had sex like rabbits.

The problem is that after D Day, I could never climax. I'm not sure why, exactly. I know that our emotional intimacy was so damaged, that physical intimacy was hard for me. There were mental movies. There was fear. There were so many things in the way, but I wanted to prove to him, so to speak, that what we had was good. That being with her was a mistake, because he has everything he needs and wants at home already. So, I never said anything. I didn't tell him that I was not reaching orgasm.

Now, a year and half out, we have an active sex life, but I am totally unfulfilled. I've never reached orgasm easily, but to go a year and a half without one at all...well...

Am I alone in this?

Posts: 174 | Registered: May 2009
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Member # 22249
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 8th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. No sex since he meet OW 2004. Dday March 2008.

Says never loved me, can't have sex unless loves. Used fantasy during our marriage.

Now that the truth is out, and can't/won't use fantasy, won't have sex with me.

Married 32 years. Had sex with another while we were "dating" steadily for 6 1/2 years and sex with OW while we were married.

Says those were "love". No love with me, therefore no sex.

Says he wants sex, just not with me.

MC said without it, relationship won't survive. Pushed to "attempt". He was totally revolted to have me touch him, on his knee.

Cannot get an erection, no desire for me.

Doesn't want, love or care for me, my "persona".

Every night of lying next to a "roommate" becomes harder and harder.

Yet he is in MC with me over 1 year-doesn't want it, feel it, wants to leave -but stays.

What is he waiting for?

BS - me 60
WS - him 59
Married 1977 - 34 years
2 DDs - 27, 20
DDay March 30, 2008
EA - 2 1/2 years, PA 4 months
OW - 25 years younger, lived as "daughter" with us at husband's request, then he pursued her as lover
NC - Jan 2008, S

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: California
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Member # 24157
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 12th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, WW had a ONS with a guy while out with friends partying. We had a very active sex life, almost daily. Now, I still want it but she has pulled away. She says she doesnt know what she wants right now. We started MC and IC for both starts next week.

I dont like the fact that I still want sex with her, but I do. We are in seperate bedrooms right now, and every other night or so we lay down together and just chill, but no sex. I am doing the 180 and just leaving when she says she doesnt want it, no argueing, just go up to my room, but how do I let her know how much I want and need it right now w/o her getting angry and defensive?

It has only been 2 1/2 weeks since d-day, so I guess I should just wait.

2 kids, son-6, daughter-17 months
DDay 5/26

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2009
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Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 12th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here.

Four years out from D Day.

HB for two years.

Now nothing. It is me, I feel absolutely nothing.

Posts: 7255 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
funny story
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Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 12th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oK, I've got to ask this question:

Did anyone else have the best sex of their marriage WHILE the A was going on?

I did. Now, to be honest, it's not really enjoyable, and I feel a deep resentment, mixed with fear that the best sex we ever had or will have was while he was screwing someone else.

Most nights he doesn't even come to bed anymore - he sleeps on his "chair" in front of the TV. We don't have sex as often as I'd like to, but in the same breath, I don't have that big of an urge to be that close to him right now.

I don't know if this makes sense, but I just really want the sex, not the parner.

(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
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Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 15th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure of the exact timing, but it was getting real good before the A. After, it's been rare and mundane.

BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
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Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 16th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How to be patient?

FWH is not ready for sex. Still is uncomfortable. We are talking about it finally, which is progress.

I am trying to be patient. He feels pressured. I get it. I have let him know that until we have sex I will be unable to put the A in the past. The very action of him going outside our M to have sex and now not being willing to at least try with me to have any type passionate physical connection keeps the A in the forefront. How can you let go of the A and heal when every day the lack of passion reminds you that he chose to reach out to someone else?

I want to move on. I truly do, more than anything. But how do i do that without a passionate intimate connection?

I just need to decide how long I am willing to wait. At least if I left the M I could put the A behind me and move on in a different direction.

~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
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Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 16th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm a BS not interested in sex with WH. and i'm assuming all posts are TMI...

anyone sort of "forcing" themselves to have sex with WS? i do have a high sex drive, i just don't trust him enough to give him my heart again. the mind movies are too much.

do i take care of myself and call it a day?

D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue

Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Watch your backs, Ladies. If your FWH is not interested and always had been up until he left the first time there is a great possibility that it's not the finances or the kids stressing him. It's the thought of doing his OW wrong.

have to agree here. if you think you're in R, and the sex suddenly stops again, it's a huge red flag that no contact has been broken.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 11956 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
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Member # 23329
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has been a very informative thread for me. Thanks for whomever started it!

Posts: 70 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Missouri
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