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User Topic: Spouses Not Interested in Sex - Open to BS/WS
inink
♀ Member
Member # 24251
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Brokenhearted - way to make yourself heard!

My husband has always had a lower drive. Sex the last 2 years was basically non existant maybe 3-4 times per year or less. D day was about 9 weeks ago. Sex has been more often but always I initiate. I asked him to initiate more. He says he is not and never has been very interested in sex. He says he does not NEED it. I don't understand. I think he is just unable to be in an intimate relationship on any level - emotionally, physically, spiritually etc.


Me - BW
DD - May Day 2009
Status - Limbo waiting for him to engage
May 2012 - Feeling Done in my heart. Death by limbo, lack of demonstrated remorse, emotional unavailability, lack of companionship, lack of demonstrated affection. Sexless marri

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sydney
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reasons to me for one person not wanting sex or doing duty sex is becoming moot. To me it is damn silly.

Do you not like sex?
Does my happiness matter at all?
Does the family matter?

The question I think needs to be asked is are you willing to leave over sex? If not hwat are you going to do? We can wait be nice and flirt and to just constantly deal with rejection infrequest duty sex has a high emmotional toll.

What can we do the wanting sexless to go forward? This is the question on my mind because it is not a want it is a need in a real relationship.

The only advice I can give everyone who is being denied sex and intimacy is if you look at what you are doing and are happy with your effort the issue is not with you but your SO 100%. Please do not ket it tank your self esteem.

My only questions is what dramatic can we all do next? We have all tried the basics to no avail.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostcause, you do what Broknhearted is doing; when you reach the point of no return, you throw down the gauntlet, and wait for the choice.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
broknhearted
♀ Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So here's the update...

Since I declared the ultimatum, WH and I have had sex twice..Not bad...but the one thing that has changed is this...first time...it was SEX...second time...MADE LOVE...for the first time in I don't know how long. I am hoping this broke the ice and this will lead to a more natural sexual experience...I'll keep you posted.

Listen, this does not mean it will work for everyone. I think it all depends on where you are in therapy, in the aftermath of the affair, how far out you are and if you are in a true "R"....so, please don't push the WS against the wall, unless you mean what you say...I did..I was so willing to end this marriage. If you do not mean what you say, this and anything else, will fall on deaf ears. If I haven't learned anything else during this difficult time, it is that you HAVE TO MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. I am sure this journey would have ended LONG AGO, if I had jumped on the 180 and rode it out. I am not sure that my marriage would have survived, but I know I would have. And, looking back....I should have spent way more time on me than I did on "US"....because I WAS THE ONLY ONE SPENDING TIME ON "US"...I am sure a lot of you know what I mean. I know it is hard to do. But the minute I started to get stronger, the better I felt. I could see things clearer and knew that in order for me to survive, I had to start thinking about me.

I'll keep you all posted...so far, so good....and, best of luck to all of you...


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear, Broknhearted.

Very good point, always be prepared to backup any ultimatum. If you can't follow through, don't throw it down.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenhearted,

Any update? Your last post was what I needed to hear. I am not ready to lay down an ultimatum yet, but I think I'm getting closer. We've talked/argued about it but I am not ready for an ultimatum.

I can't wait to end the duty sex and really make love with my wife again. I miss that part.

BH - I hope your initial good response has turned into more.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
Broken52009
♀ Member
Member # 24275
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you all tell me your opinions on what "making love" is?? Intimate is kissing and foreplay, ect. But if making love entails alot of emotion, IE talking to each other, screaming I love you. I have no idea what the difference is with making love and sex.


Me: BW 50 and FabUlous!
Him: FWH 53
Married 13yrs 8/28/09
EA 12/08-4/09 PA started 5/15/09
Most Recent DD 8/14/09.
Official NC and Real R since 8/18/09.
1/24/10 He's being an ass. I am Struggling but feeling a little better.

Posts: 813 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Freezing my ass off! Florida forever soon!!
rottenkitty
♀ Member
Member # 18247
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, July 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So...still no change in my situation, unfortunately. My relationship is going ok. We enjoy each other, but I've lately been feeling like we don't even have the intimacy any more. Tonight, I let him have it and hopefully gave him something to think about (losing me).

I thought of this the other day and told him tonight:

Being in this relationship with you like this is like showing up for work and all of a sudden one day they stop paying you. Yeah, there might be other benefits, you might actually enjoy what you're doing. But you realize quickly that the reason for being there is to get paid. When you ask the boss, they say they'll look into it, but nothing changes. Everyone around you is getting paid. Over time, you start to wonder how much longer you can actually keep going to work without getting the check.

I didn't tell him I'm looking for another job. I hope he can read between the lines and figure this out. I am at the end of the rope. I feel my feelings changing, and I don't want that to happen.

I told him tonight that I have told him for the past 16 months what I need for him, and the fact that he has been ignoring what I have said is taking its toll. If he cares, why would he not deal with the problem?


Posts: 251 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
cantbreathe09
♂ Member
Member # 24600
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, July 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here.

I'm the one in IC, it's not the fact that I have no sex drive(In fact my sex drive is on overload big time!), but trying to get over the mind movies, and the fact she told me that they never used a condom.

I was deployed for 8 months and she started having an EA with OM half way through, for 4months. Then she waits until I come home to start having a PA, and the only reason I can guess for that is that the kids got in the way while I was gone. The PA continued for another 4 months after that.

Also for me knowing the last person she had sex with wasn't me and that she gave herself to someone else after 8 months of us waiting for each other, at least I thought. She went and gave all of her drive and anticipation to OM!

I feel as if I don't get over it she may do it again, but I also feel I want my 8 months back! Not only did he receive something that was so special, but more importantly the fact she gave all of her sexual desire and purity away, bust most of all her love! Another is that we haven't been intimate since the day I left which is a little over a year, being that I wasn't the last one...will she compare me to him, things he may have done different that she come to love during sex, and will she want me to do those things to her just as he did? I'm just really scared, not only having sex, but deep kissing make out sessions as well.

If there are any BH's who feel or felt the way I do and over came this fear, I would greatly appreciate to hear from you all.

Also, I would like to hear from any FWW's if they compared their BH to the OM, and if you wanted or asked your BH to do some things to you that the OM man did, or if their BH had similar problems.

[This message edited by cantbreathe09 at 4:27 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]


Cry now...smile later.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Holloman AFB, NM
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS still not initiating sex with me...so no sex for us at all. We are doing better otherwise...it really is the last piece of putting us back together.

Has anyone else gotten past this and gone on to have a good/great sexual relationship?


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
butifuldisaster
♀ Member
Member # 24089
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have to say i'm the BGF here. i've always had a low sex drive. due to molestation at several different stages in my life. i handled it quite well but could never do IC. instead i talk to my grandmother, until she passed right before the last time happened. so i don't know if my low sex drive was due to those incidents that started when i was 5 or if i would've been that way anyways.

but my SO is always ready to go, and i mean ALWAYS. it's crazy. but what has helped me is explaining to him my situation. he gets it and understands. my sex drive is very out of wack. there may be a month or week where it's all the time. then the next month or 2 i don't want to be touched. so it's a bad rollercoaster. but SO understands and has made the ride ALOT easier on both of us.


nothing is ever truly impossible

Posts: 635 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arizona
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do want to have sex but I'm not ready yet. I've told him several times that I'm open to making out and sensual touching; the other night when he stayed the night I asked for sensual touching, no genital involvement.

That was nice and I even started feeling turned on.

We have been kissing more and more. I'm just leery because we had been having lots of what I call "maintenance sex-" pre D-Day, not grim, like duty sex implies, but certainly not any extended foreplay, lingering touches, sweet and soulful connection. And I'm definitely not down for any maintenance sex!

I told him, "hey, I know you can do it right. You HAVE done it right in the past. Remember?"

So I figure in a few weeks, if he puts in the time and energy required to seduce me and turn me on a super lot, he'll reap the reward!

But I can't just give it up cause I'm pissed. He's expressed sorrow that I don't want it- I know it's an important way for men to show their love.

I also know I become a lot less bitchy for a few days after a good sess! Just not wiling to give up bitchy yet, I guess.


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, August 2nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS HERE,,,,My spouse hasn't wanted sex since January. We had make up hysterical sex for a few months after D-Day and now he can't even really open mouth kiss me comfortably. I don't get it and I am almost done here. I do know one thing that I didn't know before..this is not about me. This is about his crap. He snuggles and loves on me constantly and yet seems shut down sexually. He isnt screwing around I know this so I don't get his problem and really I am beginning not to care. I have talked till I am blue in the face. I don't even think I am angry anymore,,,just sick of it. I am a beautiful, sensual woman and I need to be with a man not a sick WH who cannot perform for a woman like me but can for an cheap affair partner who was also married. Our communication is ok,,,our honesty level is decent although I zip my mouth shut alot. I figure if it isn't TRUE,NECESSSARY, OR KIND then it needn't be said as I have said everything over and over so he knows how I feel about all of it including the lack of sex. I don't need to remind him,,he knows whats up,,,I forgot that if I say it once maybe twice then he heard me,,even if he ignores me,,he heard me..so why keep saying it? So, he touches me and tatalizes me but we never go any further. I don't care anymore,,I did but now I don't. I am not gonna take it personally,,he is missing out is my opinion. I am going to move on at some point as this is not what I want at my age,,he needs to step up and man up or move on,,and he alreadys knows this so why keep telling him. I don't need demanded sex,,I need a man in every sense of the word. I wish us all luck,,,A's ruin so much and are so horribly painful and destructive to everyone it just seems crazy if you ask me. What a stupid waste of our time here on earth,,this is all bullshi@ and I am so tired of it all,,aren't you? hugs to all us BS's.


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, August 3rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW here.....our sex life has suffered tremendously because of the A. in the beginning, post dday, there was no change (our sex life was pretty healthy - on average, twice a week, sometimes more). however, it's decreased a great deal, recently. we're both pretty sexual in nature, so the shift is taking it's toll. the decrease is by BH's choice. he says he needs to get his bearings together - i know it's because he doesn't see me the way he used to and he now knows that i gave myself to another man. i'm seeing how much devastation it causes to a man's pride. we had sex last Monday and i was the one to initiate it and i was pretty aggressive. since then, though, nothing. we're affectionate, but it never leads to sex...i'm frustrated, but i respect his wishes and will wait as long as it takes. he's worth it - without question...


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
wineguydfw
♂ Member
Member # 3988
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 3rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow..I have been reading this thread for hours. I found some solice in the fact that I am not the only one here suffering from similiar situations. I just posted a thread in reconciliation looking for more enlightenment on the issue, then I found this thread.
Anyway...
With only having "duty sex" a few times in 5yrs, what I really miss is the intimacy. Ok I know that doesn't sound right coming from a manly man..LOL..but it is true.
Why don't we share intimacy and sex anymore?
I want to very badly, but still harbor enough pain to keep me from outwardly intiating. She robbed me of something that she has to give back to me. I feel the "ball is in her court" so to speak. What she took from me was security in myself and who I am. Now I am not the viral young man I once was, but I am not a slouch either. I still wear the same clothes I could when we married albeit a little more snug than back then.
Besides all that, I just feel as though she has to prove to me again that I am the man she wants to be with in all aspects of our relationship. She has never stopped being the one for me, but I don't feel comfortable being the intitater anymore since the A.
Am I being too one-sided here?

[This message edited by wineguydfw at 8:38 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]


ME - BH 36yo...NOW 41
Her- WW 34...NOW 39
Married 4yrs 8 mos..NOW closing in on 10 yrs
No children..BUT we are now planning to adopt
DDay 1 - 1 Apr 04..I was the fool that day
DDay expounded upon - 5 Apr 04. A very very painful day

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2004 | From: Texas
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, August 4th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

,A's ruin so much and are so horribly painful and destructive to everyone it just seems crazy if you ask me. What a stupid waste of our time here on earth,,this is all bullshi@ and I am so tired of it all,,aren't you?

Yes, they do ruin so much. And yes, this is a stupid waste of our time. I feel like I have had the last year of my life hijacked. I will never get that year back and I sure don't want the remaining years of my life to be spent wondering why my H doesn't seem to be interested in having sex or being intimate with me.

She robbed me of something that she has to give back to me. I feel the "ball is in her court" so to speak. What she took from me was security in myself and who I am.

I feel the same way. I hate knowing that the last person my H slept with was the MOW. I know he wants me to get over the A, but how can I when everyday I think about the fact that he is knowingly choosing not to be intimate with me even though he knows how much I want us to be close again.

Wineguydfw...not even sure how you made it 5 years... I don't think I could go that long knowing that my spouse was consciously making a decision not to have sex or be intimate with me.

I don't think you are being on-sided. She betrayed you, so why are you the one who has to initiate the intimacy?

Well, at least you have your wine


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
chasingpavements
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Member # 24325
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 4th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, guess I'm glad there are others here who understand even though I AM NOT happy to be a member of this club.

WH and I have talked about this and he insists that it's not because he's no longer attracted to me... it's just his body isn't cooperating. Prior to the A he would complain that he didn't think he could satisfy me the way he felt he should and talk about being an old man (he's 46 and 11 years older than me) ... so I guess I would accept that maybe it has to do with aging and also his own self confidence... except that, of course, he was obviously capable of satisfying OW! He tells me he's just not interested in sex at all... but, once again, I know that he desired her and, unfortunately, I got to read his emails to her about how he fantasized about her at night, wishing for the chance to be with her again...

Also, right around the time of the A, he stopped kissing me... and he's only kissed me a couple of times since we started R. He says he doesn't enjoy it... but he seems to have forgotten that he told me while in the fog how he couldn't wait to touch OW or kiss her...

My drive has always been high (higher probably than his) and I never cared about initiating in the past... but now, even when I REALLY want to... I can't. So I think we were intimate 1-2 times in the last 6-8 weeks.

It's bad enough that he doesn't seem to want to be intimate... but I also have started to feel like it's just ME... my body that he's not attracted to. I've always known I wasn't his normal "type" and with OW he reverted back to the "type" of woman physically he has always liked...

I'm starting to really notice when other guys check me out. And even bringing this up to talk to him about makes me feel bad because what guy is upset about having a wife that wants him all the time?!?!

But if I don't talk to him about it, things will just stay the same way and that will definitely be a deal breaker...


"I personally believe "the one" - that special partner, the soul mate, that person that becomes intoxicated by love for us -
Well shoot, I think that the one that needs to feel that way is us, for ourselves."
wisdom from Healing Tree

Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2009
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay... Is it sad when I get excited about my FWH playfully slapping me on the rear....

I guess any little step toward connecting should be seen as progress.

So I will give a happy smile for rear slapping!

[This message edited by lookinforward at 10:48 AM, August 5th (Wednesday)]


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
waiting4ever
♂ New Member
Member # 13976
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm surprised to see alot of BS saying the WS is not interested. I'm just the opposide.

I'm the WS. We havn't had sex in...ready for this...coming up on 3 years. For the first 9-12 months or so after D-Day, we had alot of sex. Mostly very emotional, loving, beautiful. With hours and hours of discussion. Then...on 10/9/06 she told me "I can't be intimate with you right now...I'll come to you". That was the last time.

There have been attempts by me. I've asked...serious, playfully..nada.

We did C for a bit...and alot of things in her came out...kinda unrelated to the A. She all of sudden stopped going to counceling. I still see a shrink...monthly.

So I keep plugging along. I was very close to calling it quits this weekend, when I couldn't take the rejection and loneliness anymore..but I'm getting my head back in the game.

The lack of intmacy isn't doing my self-esteem any good. I think it is killing me...alittle at a time.

To have someone to hold you when your world is crazy is amazing and for those who have that...God Bless!.


Posts: 23 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: NJ
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 11th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

waiting4ever....

What happened on 10/9/06?

Are you sure your BS didn't start her own A? The reason I ask is that it seems awfully odd that she was okay with having lots of sex for the first year but then stopped.

My problem is we haven't had sex since the A...but if my spouse were to know about an A then have sex with me and then quit and say they can't do it any longer I would be suspicious. Of course I am a BS.


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
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