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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only (next thread)
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New thread.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for making this.

So much has happened here in the last 3 days. I don't know where to begin.

Lynne01, I hope this is resolved in a positive manner for you and your marriage. How do you feel about taking custody of OC? Because it may come down to that if OW has no permanent residence. It is something for you to think about very seriously. I am so sorry that son was subjecting to hearing that drama. And seriously I don't think your MIL really understands the seriousness of this situation. I will be thinking of you.

Dust, I was going to answer your question about the CS, but I see that you already have your answer. What you should have done was have your H ask for a reduction hearing. Show that his income has changed if that is the situation to see if they would reduce the CS. Unfortunately they can do what they did, and if you have not received your tax refund yet, they can take that too. I am so sorry about how this is going down. I will send you a PM later.

Dreamer1, I am glad that you are finding some peace , it is so hard in this situation. I too hope that OW doesn't give you anymore trouble. I forget, was the parenting classes part of a custody arrangement?

Beajus,

I am so sorry, but I am not surprised. She thinks she has a surrogate mother for her child. If that is the way it is going to be and you are up for it, make it official so that you can be the constant in the OC life. I am so sorry that it worked out this way. You really have to watch these OW.

Cila, welcome to our group. Please feel free to lean on us if you need to.

Devalued, This is true you can not ask for the DNA test, but you can possibly use this information on your D, please consult with a lawyer ASAP. Welcome to our group feel free to lean us.

AuntCis, you know as always I am here for you. Isn't weird when we don't hear from OW we want to because we want to know what they are up to? I am hoping that she is so content with her new little family that she is not even thinking about giving you such a hard time.

Thewife0404, Hello and welcome to our group. Same thing please feel free to lean on us.

Chandler, there are several members here that have gone thru that. It doesn't not really work well because the best way to try to R is to be a united front, if H has contact and you don't, that is not showing OW united front. This is a very difficult situation and everyone feels differently. If you don't think you can have contact, there is nothing wrong with that. Whether your marriage can survive it, really only you know that because only you know what you can deal with. I too will be thinking of you and hoping that things work out.

I think I got everybody. My computer at home is not working right now. Just wanted to let everybody know I hear your struggles and pain and I am here with you.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:37 PM, April 27th (Monday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive/Forget - thank you so much!!!

BMC045 - Thank you also. you alway have good advise! I have came to term in my heart that I will be the one to raise OC with H. COM are also worried about there little brother. It just going thru everything gets hard sometimes.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
holdingon08
♀ Member
Member # 23090
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well.. it happened.. my H was served papers today. Ug. Do not know where to turn. My H stayed away to respect the OW wishes and big denial on his end but now I have to face CS and OW wants full custody since her M is now in D... so much. I suppose we need a laywer. Thank goodness for this support here. No one else gets it. I am lost. IT is like it is happening all over again.


Me--BS
Him--WS
Married 11 years
3 children

Posts: 58 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Northeast
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, talk to an attorney before you'll do anything


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
holdingon08
♀ Member
Member # 23090
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks.. I am looking now. How did I ever get here?

Ug.


Me--BS
Him--WS
Married 11 years
3 children

Posts: 58 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Northeast
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think none of us really can beleive that we are here. We just have to pray that we make it thru.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the new thread.

BMC thanks for the thoughts and prayers I need them.

For anyone who missed my post on the last thread here it is please give input:

My WH has contact with the OC As of right now I do not. I was wondering if anyone else is in a situation like this and if it works for you or not? My WH wants me to have contact but I am not sure I can do that. Looking for advice on how/if it works in hopes of convincing my H that it doesn't have to be the end of our M


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 8 years of "agreed" child support ($400/month plus we have her every weekend at least 2-4 days) & no court order or legal custody, WH finally served papers on OW. She wouldn't agree @first to sign, so he had to pay more to have her subpoena delivered instead. Went from being $750 agreed parenting plan/joint custody order...to around $2750. Luckily, she finally signed...as she couldn't afford a lawyer & didn't want it to go 2 court. I really would have liked 2 see her squirm in front of a judge when she talked about how she got pregnant by a married man who already had 2 kids by his wife...as we have open court probably about that stuff here (wonder who else would have witnessed it).

Anyway. Now everything is as it should be about OC. Got same amount of time as-always, but WH now pays NO child support (the CS calculations came out that she owed him & he wrote it off if she'd pay for clothes/extracurriculars instead). We still end up paying 4 stuff while she's w/us (1/2 time), like clothes, food, any school fees she needs on our days.

After DNA was positive, I decided to allow OC to be w/us weekends, because I felt that DS12 & DS9 (they were 4 & 1 when she was born) should know their sister. I have a half-brother who grew up in same house & I didn't want DSs to have an unknown sissy out there somewhere to show up @some point. WH was planning on contact w/her, but it would have been bad for our marriage if he snuck off weekly to see OC for 18 years. God, what if one of DSs met her @school or something & dated her by accident! That would be horrible....

Anyway. I am sending (((HUGS))) to anyone who needs them. Situation w/OC was somewhat stable last year, before WH&OW had their latest A. Now, all the old feelings are back about the hurt from her birth. Try as I might, I don't behave the same towards OC. It's hard to put up w/her temper-tantrums etc, knowing what I know.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Forgive/Forget
♀ Member
Member # 23402
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler

From what I understand of your question, you don't want to be a part of the OC life, and your H thinks that if you aren't it will hurt your M? That is rough...if you are OK with him having contact, then there shouldn't be an issue I would think. If he is upset that you don't want to be in contact with OC then he isn't feeling the pain of what he has done to you.That is just my opinion, and I am sure it is harder when you don't agree with how to handle the OC. My H and I chose NC at all, so at least we don't have the battle.


"Know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier and more sensitive and aware"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2009
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have a lot to offer except hugs for everyone.

BMC I am up to taking full custody if it comes to that.
Just wasn't in the plans ya know... of course neither was dealing with an affair LOL!

Is everyone here still in individual counseling/therapy?
What about marriage counseling??

We are. Just wondering for hoe many years we'll have to go LOL


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
shockdbyndbelief
♀ Member
Member # 21286
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there,
Just wanted to send everyone a big hug. I broke up with my WBF, but he is living with me temporarily so I am still somewhat involved in the whole OW/OC thing. Whether contact or no contact, it just seems like this situation is always messy...a mess we didn't deserve to have thrown at us. Sigh...hang in there...shocked

Posts: 145 | Registered: Oct 2008
Forgive/Forget
♀ Member
Member # 23402
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He went to IC, we went to MC, but have been "released" from both, they said they felt we had the situation under control- lol
I sometimes don't feel that way!


"Know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier and more sensitive and aware"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2009
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all the newbies who are unfortunate enough to have to join this thread--and hugs to oldies too--never really goes away.

Chandler, we have C with OC together (it's very long distance, so it's usually 3 days, days only since it's so sporadic and he's only 3, and only every 3 or 4 months), but I don't have C with OW!! Which is a bitch, but we've come to an arrangement I can live with--H picks up and drops off OC at a cafe so OW doesn't have to "see" me--don't know how long this will last without some agitation from OW, but it works for now.

C is hard only if I let myself really think about why we're there--sometimes I accept it internally and sometimes I still am bowled over by what has happened. But I have a pretty good R with OC, tho he is very bonded with H and H is who he goes to if he's tired or cranky. Which is ok--after all, he's not MY kid, and I feel H needs to take all the responsibility he can in taking care of OC and being in his life.

That said, the C with OW is not easy for me, tho it gets easier the longer it goes on without any evidence of H getting close to her again. Physically that's not really possible under the circumstances of our visits--but that spectre will always hang over my head I think--never really regain that blind trust I had before.

Whatever you can do is right for you--I don't know your story--the unsettling part of all this is that things change as OC grows, time passes, and all that--and sometimes I know I get stuck with how things were a year ago, and not how they are right now. Good luck.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW resurfaced today..... she is living with another friend. Poor OC he is only 5 months old and has lived in 5 different places. OW called H saying he had no food nor pampers so H went off to be the hero. H said that he is stress out. Not about the condition his son is living in but about our marriage. How selfish of him.
1. I didn't tell him nor make him have an A.
2. I didn't make him have a baby a woman that have the worst parenting skills I ever seen.
3. I don't have to deal with this situration unless I want too...
I am just praying she don't show up at court next month and we can have joint custody or full custody, If not 18 years is a long time and I have to rethink R.
Hugs and kisses everyone.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, dealing w/WH & OW having contact daily this school year escalated into full-blown EA & then PA (after 8 years of supposedly no physical intimacy w/OW).

25wimsey
Keep UR guard up...some OW are sneaky and can really play up that damsel-in-distress thing when WH are @their weakest & having marital issues. So easy to return to pattern of A & sneaking around, once they've mastered the sneaking thing.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many others out there have WH who was repeat offender (w/same OW) after OC was born and you "thought" R was happening or M was in-the-clear after recovery from A that led up2 OC's conception?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Wh is a repeat offender but not with the same OW. But I know how it feels when you think it's over, but it's not

[This message edited by Chandler at 1:54 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
Forgive/Forget
♀ Member
Member # 23402
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You all are making me think twice...I have had this on my mind a lot and it is starting to stress me out. I honestly don't think with all we have been thru that he would actually do it again, but I see on here so many do. It makes you kind of pull back on R for fear of it happening again.


"Know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier and more sensitive and aware"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2009
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do anyone have joint physical custody with OW. Attorney told us today that the judge not going to grant 6 months with us and 6 months OW. Would have to come up with other arrangement. Just wondering if anyone have joint physical custody and whats the arrangements?


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
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