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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only (next thread)
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, May 18th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When OC was born, OW & BH had just started dating (he was w/her during OC's birth also). We actually had OC about 4 days/week & OW's mother had her rest of days (as she was too tired to care for OC after work).

Even last school year, we found out that even though we had OC Fri night-Sun 6pm, OW was leaving OC at her mother's house on Wed nights because she needed the "rest" from caring for OC & her toddler. OMG, her husband had OC @night (she closed @restaurant) and school had her all day...when did OW have to care for OC?

She & her BF (now BH) even went out-of-state to visit HER relatives & said it'd be too much trouble to take OC (infant) w/them. Didn't her relatives want 2 see OC?

It's just sad sometimes. I think OC realizes that OW disappoints her, but isn't to the point of disliking her mother yet. When she was infant, OW would literally have to pull OC off of WH during dropoffs...because she didn't want to go w/her momma. She even smacked her across the face & bruised her because she didn't want to go w/her. It got so bad, that WH had to physically put OC into her carseat & strap her in, so OW could get her home.

But, sometimes, OW makes WH out to be bad-guy....like when the parenting plan says OW's mother can't have un-supervised visits w/OC (she's a pothead - literally) so OW got OC to call & beg to spend night w/granny...knowing that it was against the court orders. Then OW got OC to ask WH for $$$ to add minutes to her TrakPhone (this is for an 8-year-old)...of course, WH is on unemployment & told her no (OW knows he's w/out work & that SHE is supposed to pay for extra stuff per the child support agreement - WH waived any CS that OW owes him if she'd pay for clothes & extracurriculars for OC). Just another attempt to make herself look better (which is hard 2 do) and make WH look like the bad guy.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:24 AM, May 18th (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Happy  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got an email from OW today that her lawyer received the signed court papers that we sent and he is moving ahead with the adoption process


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*high five*


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Yes

PARTY TIME COMING SOON!


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well. Wish us luck today. WH, I, and DS12 are going to a picnic in park w/2nd graders (OC's classes) - taking a long lunch from work. Since OW was a no-show for the poetry thing for OC on Friday, WH said he must go because OC was so upset that her mother didn't come last week. I decided to tag along. It'll be my luck that OW actually shows up this time. Good thing the park is pretty big! It's supposed to be a really pretty day (up in 80s by this afternoon).

I'd guess there are 75-100 kids in 2nd grade, so this will be FUN!


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kindergartners have their class picnic June 2nd. I don't wanna be at a park with my own 3 ages 3 and under plus like 50-75 kindergartners.. it's gonna SUCK LOL
You have my prayers LOL


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To those that have opted for contact and visitation:

How do you explain OC to people??

WHen i run into people i haven't seen for a while they are like OHHH you had ANOTHER one LOL i jus tusually say yep and move on...and tht works for NOW when it's just me and the littlest 3, however if one of th eolder kids is with me they are like.. Ohhh no, tht's not mom's baby, that is daddy's baby, and she's our half sister.
and as OC gets older I won't be able to sto pher from saying.. nope she's not my mommmy....
So what do you do/say in those situations??
Thanks!


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((repeat)))))

Good luck with that picnic today. I certainly wouldn't want to be in your shoes even if OW doesn't show. 100 7 year olds is not my idea of a day in the park!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone!!! I have truely missed everyone. It took me awhile to read all the posts. Auntcis I am so happy for you!!!! BMC0415
the twins are so cute!!!

UPDATE.................
Went to court on May 15,2009. Meet OW and I had to go outside and laugh. Well my H got what he was asking for. Joint Physical Custody. OC will live with us starting Nov 19,2009 until the end of May 2010.We will have him two weekends out the month until then. We have to pay no childsupport. We just had to add him to our insurance. Our address is his primary address for all legal purposes. OW tried her best to sign OC over to us at court but I told her to think about that because she would lose all contact with her child. When we were leaving court Ow told us that in Nov when we get OC we probably never she her again and started laughing. I just prayed because after meeting her I know that we will raise OC. COM are excited, tell the truth I am excited too. I love OC he is such a joy. I never will understand why women have children then do not want them if the man don't want her. I could never give my children up but I am done trying to understand OW.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Picnic was a success! OC was so happy to see us & OW+toddler never showed up. WH had been kind enough to remind OC yesterday to tell her mother that he & DS12 would be going.


Beajus

OC has always called me Momma, even before she called her own mom that. WH usually introduces the kids, if he sees someone he knows. He never mentions OC isn't mine.

Now, I have seen kids/teachers that OC knew from other school. Once, a teacher (I think) saw her & asked her if those were her stepbrothers (WH wasn't w/us). OC politely told the lady that I was her stepmom & I told her that those were her half-brothers.

Once, when WH saw an old classmate, I pulled her aside when I saw her out somewhere @a later date & told her that OC belonged to WH's mistress (or is it paramore?). When we saw her again recently @OC's ballgame, I quietly pointed out OC's mother to her, but didn't mention affair #3 w/OW.

Unless absolutely necessary to tell someone, WH always acts like OC is mine.

Now at church, it was kinda weird. I help in OC's classroom & she talks about needing prayer for OW's illnesses sometimes & the kids are all looking @me like "I don't see her on crutches w/sprained ankle." The old pastor knew WH from work (some pastors from area are paid to be EAP for his company - before layoff)...and he knew OC wasn't mine (he never gossiped about it though). The last 2 Sunday school teachers have quietly been told that I'm OC's stepmom...as, OC calls me mom & they didn't think any different.

Honestly, if WH isn't w/me & I would see someone who I felt comfortable in telling, I would probably do so. Casual conversation would probably not lead to anything so revealing on my part. I'm a bit ashamed that I stupidly stayed after OC was born, so I don't really wanna advertise that. Anyway, OC looks very much like my kids (&WH), so thinking she is mine is a reasonable assumption. You can tell she's OW's child, but when out w/DSs, you can see facial features of WH's family.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks!

I'm a bit ashamed that I stupidly stayed after OC was born, so I don't really wanna advertise that.

Exactly!! But when the older kids can't keep quiet I don't know what to say.. and I don't ever want OC to feel like her birth is something for anyone to be ashamed of expecially her ya know.


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lynne, So glad to hear that thing's went well in court. Although I would feel bad for OC it may be better if OW disappeared once you take custody KWIM.

Repeat,Glad you survived the picnic


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
SurvivingInCA
♀ Member
Member # 23898
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The results are in and the OC is H's. I saw the results and there was a photo of the OC ... it was a bad photocopied image but it was enough to see that he is the spitting image of my H. I am sorry but when I saw it I just felt like I wanted to throw up. I can't believe this is my life.

OW wants nothing with H and wants no $ (she didn't know he was married and as a FBW herself she is racked with guilt). That said, I don't know what kind of person she really is and I know that Calif is murder for CS. We are meeting with lawyer asap in an effort to protect ourselves financially but I am prepared for the worst.

I just hope that there is some way that we will be able to keep our house and afford some kind of modest life. I am very, very heartbroken and I am just tired of this being my life.


BW me/36, WH him/35
Married 4, together 7
Dday 4/10/09
PA 1/1/08 to 5/1/08 (5 rendezvous)
No Kids - had been trying 1/1/08 - 4/9/09
OC 01/09/DNA despite H's male factor infertility (guess she got the one miracle sperm)
R'ing

Posts: 136 | Registered: May 2009
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry surviving ((HUGS))


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((surviving))))))

I'm so sorry the results came back that way.

I'm glad to hear that you are seeing a lawyer to protect yourself, it is so important, cause OW may say now that she doesn't want money but could change her mind at anytime. Keep posting when you need to, it is a rough road ahead but you can make it. Good luck


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Shocked  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SurvivingInCA

I'm so sorry the DNA proved paternity.

((((HUG))))

I felt weak in the knees when I read OC's results. I knew she was WH's though, as her newborn hospital photos looked very much like DS9's newborn ones.

Yes, do seek legal backup & go ahead & setup a Parenting Plan & whatever amount of custody (joint?) that you desire. It's better that H writes into it what he wants, instead of letting OW's lawyer or a mediator do it for you. Your lawyer may be able to calculate CS payments also (depending on how it's calculated for your state).

Don't just let OW say "don't want your $$$" or have a verbal agreement about CS (wouldn't you hate to be stuck with CS + backCS). WH had verbal for 7-8 years & paid on-time every month (plus had OC @least 3-4 nights)...turns out, OW owed him CS due to her high salary +overtime. Getting everything lined up also helps set boundaries & NC issues can be addressed in paperwork also.

Yes, the CS does really put a strain on the household budget. Fortunately, after the CS papers were put into place this year for OC, WH doesn't owe a single penny each month ($400 more per month in household budget). We were never able to buy/build our dreamhouse because of OC. That $38,000 could have definately gone toward a home for us. But, OC is a very good kid for the most part & we have done our best to shelter her so she doesn't feel like being born was BAD. Eventually, she will understand & probably have issues about it...but, she loves both her families now & I am glad her father is around for her and that she knows her brothers.

I also want to note that R will be much more difficult w/OC in the mix. Just try to support each other & work through everything together. Any decisions made about OC also impact your family and I think that both of you should make out a plan of the goals & how to achieve them.

I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Forgive/Forget
♀ Member
Member # 23402
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SurvivingInCA- So sorry for you, your in my thoughts, take care


"Know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier and more sensitive and aware"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2009
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SurvivingInCA I am so sorry. I want you to know you are in my prayers.........


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Surviving)),I am so sorry that it turned out this way for you. I too remember the sick twisted feeling in my stomach when I was told the results. I thought I was prepared.

Now you know what you are dealing with, this has lifted some of the uncertainity from you. Good first step meeting with the lawyer. I think you read my post about,my friend's SO who's child's mother came back and asked for CS after 12 years and was given it and the arrears.

Unfortunately there are horror stories on here everyday about how the BS and COM are living hand to mouth because of the CS of the OC.

You have to think of this in a proactive mode and that means focusing on protecting yourself and your family. Go back a couple of pages and refer to the OC Handbook that I reposted from Scooter3377. It will give you some insight on what to do next. PM me if you need to talk, I will be thinking of you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
SurvivingInCA
♀ Member
Member # 23898
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your ((()))s - and thanks BMC and Repeat for the advice.

The situation totally sucks and I can't believe that there is a piece of my H out in the world - especially since we have been struggling with male factor infertility for over a year. The chances that he could get OW pregnant in their 6 encounters was probably on par with winning the lottery - wish he had done that instead of screw someone else!

The OW lied about her birth control situation (at least that's what I believe) and decided to have the child without consulting my H--not that it matters, the dye was cast thanks to their colossally irresponsible "decisions". In order to deal with this nightmare of a situation I've been thinking of my H as a sperm donor -- thanks to my tenure on the infertility rollercoaster (which I have now traded for the infidelity rollercoaster )


My H has no emotional connection to OW and never did. And, as a result, he does not want to have any contact with the child and does not want to pay any child support. Both OW and H would love to have a legal termination of parental rights - though that is not really up to them, it is up to the state.

Given that we want NC with OC, is it better to have a legal agreement to pay some CS to avoid being sued in the future? Or, does a legal agreement for no CS including a waiving rights to sue in the future for back CS provide adequate protection?

I realize that this is a question for our lawyer (we are meeting with him on Tuesday), but just wondering what experiences, if any, other folks have had with this (I also realize that it varies case by case and state by state.)

Thanks everyone - I am so glad that there are others in my situation that I can talk to.

[This message edited by SurvivingInCA at 2:53 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]


BW me/36, WH him/35
Married 4, together 7
Dday 4/10/09
PA 1/1/08 to 5/1/08 (5 rendezvous)
No Kids - had been trying 1/1/08 - 4/9/09
OC 01/09/DNA despite H's male factor infertility (guess she got the one miracle sperm)
R'ing

Posts: 136 | Registered: May 2009
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