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User Topic: OC support thread BS Only (next thread)
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 10th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fleury - I agree with beajus and auntcis. Go. Leave this behind. Courts will often say that the man that has been acting as the father even if he is not the bio father must continue that role as it is in the best interest of the child. If I could have, I would have but my H signed the birth certificate in the hospital because she threatened to tell me if he didn't.

SFC80 - You need to do what you are comfortable with. The OC for me is 2.5. We have very limited contact. We changed our cell numbers and dropped our landline (we had just moved) so we only gave OW my new number about 2 weeks after d-day. She learned that every call had to go through me. She could talk to my H, but this way I had to be there. She also was told that I must be present for any and all contact. She didn't like it at first but eventually got over it. Then she just wanted us all to be friends.
This only lasted about 6 months because she was impossible to deal with. We have only had phone contact since 7/07.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 10th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fleury, I agree with everyone else here. She is saying it is not your H's so therefore I would not persue it. The only thing that could possibly happen is if the OC has a medical emergency and it is found to be a different situation. I would deal with that bridge when I came to it. Yes it is true you can force her to have DNA done, but it is a long, hard road which may not be worth persuing in your case. I would work on my relationship and make her a non-issue in my life at this point, unless something changes.

SFC80- Welcome to our group. I agree with Beajus ans want2bok. You and your partner have to present a united front. Make everything legal if possible it will save alot of heartache in the future. And yes make this about the kids not about your feelings for OW. It was very hard for me because I really wanted to slam her everytime I saw her. But I was civil for the sake of the OC. All phone calls went thru me. Several times she would get on the phone with OC and try to get them to put my H on the phone, that did not go over to well with him because he did not want to deal with my wrath. So therefore I changed his cell phone number, we cancelled our landline and the only number she had was mine.

Now we have not had contact since she showed up at the court in October to contest the guardianship. Visitation was set up by the courts at a neutral place with a 3rd party, but the OW never made any of the visits. Now the judge says that I don't have to ever let her see them until they are 18.

I have never said anything negative to the OC about their mother, because that is not my place. My suggestion, be civil, but you are not friends and don;t let it get that way because the OW will soon take advantage of the situation. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:28 AM, June 10th (Wednesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 10th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC, I would love for our situation to be like yours, not that I particularlly (can't spell) want the contact with OW, but for her and my FWH to have contact between them is much tougher, in my opinion.

Yesterday I saw on OW myspace page, that for Father's Day she has planned on giving FWH a picture in a frame that says we love you daddy, with a picture of her with the twins, and she had glamour shots done and is giving one to my FWH, and she is also planning on making pancackes for breakfast, so when he picks up OC he will be presented with these things. I have a plan though that when he leaves to get the OC I am getting up and telling him I will be ready when he gets back so that we can all go out for breakfast together for Fathers Day. This women is just a crazy pyscho..

So looking forward to our appointment with the attorney on Tuesday, for custody, then FWH will finally be able to put her in her place. Right now, he is just worried she will keep him from seeing the OC, because of conflict. SO untill then I will make it through.. Just sooo tired of her drama shit. Want it to stop sooo BAD.

After taking my default picture from my page and placing it as her default, I have contacted customer support of myspace in regards to this, they are looking into it. And I posted on my comments " After much thought and consideration, please enjoy our picutes. Here is more for your enjoyment, after all we will be a part of eachothers lives for the rest of our days." I thought this was quit good., chaffed her ass, too. LMFAO.. I know this cause of her comment afterwards. Gona leave well enough alone now, moving on to more important things. I have gone back to school after 27 yrs. going for my masters in pschology. I have been through enough trama in my life, and have overcome so much, now I want to help others. with the knowledge I have aquired in it.

Good luck to you all.

I am hoping that FWH is open about what she has planned, he does not know I know. After the fact I will say something along the lines of her posting it on myspace or something.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 10th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.

I am not going to pursue this any longer. Both OW and WS say the PA was only oral prior to her popping a positive prego test. Since it seems they both confirm the same thing independently, I am going to go with it.

I guess the only way I would consider doing anything at all is if she doesn't give birth until the end of December.

Here is hoping she delivers on the first and I can forever forget this part of this whole mess.

Take care all, I will be back if I need to be. You have been more help than you will ever know.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, June 12th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UUUGGHHH! Just frustrated today. Got a email from OW as to why we haven't heard anything from her lawyer. Apparently he has yet to take the papers my H filed here to the courts in thier state! He hasn't done so cause he was on vacation!!!!! Must be nice to just take off and enjoy yourself while other peoples lives are just put on hold while you are sun bathing!!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 12th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is messed up! I am sure that he could of taken care of it before he went on vacation.

The good news, atleast you know what is going on. It is almost over. Keep your head up!


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 15th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, anybody here have OW who talks through OC (she's in background when OC calls) so she'll get to talk to WH & break NC about stupid stuff (like who to pick for basketball coach next year)?

After 3 months of NC....OW is trying her best to call from all her new #s (so WH will have them from caller ID, when I only had them b4) and talked through OC 2x last week & 1x actually spoke w/WH for stupid stuff.

Come on, when do I get a break? Won't OW ever give up? I'm already caring for OC 3+ days/week & carrying her on medical/dental/vision since WH got laid off. Do I still have to worry about her after A#3 & WH begging me to stay? When will she give it a rest...she had his baby....isn't that enough? Must she continue to torment me on a daily basis?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 15th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RepeatBS, I so feel your pain. I wish I could tell you yes, they do give up.

But I am currently going on my 2 year mark of no physical contact between FWH & OW, but she does torment me on a daily basis.
Just today she sent me a message " The love we share can never be broke... No matter how much negitive energy. Bound together by love, not just babies." WTF.
What do we do to make this all stop, I just want to be able to go on with some kind of normalcy, after all that has changed with us, just let it be now...

The OW has even started bad mouthing me to my 27 year old son. I know damn well she would not want me even telling her 2 older boys about the fact that she tried to steal a married man, and got pregnant by him on purpose.

Maybe this is what I should threaten her with., but I don't want to screw up things for court, just yet.

I guess all this just proves how pathetic these women really are, just get a life...

OW already is recieving $2000.00 a month, and we carry insurance as well on top of that. Great career choice for her, I guess.

I am like you waiting for someone to reply that me able to give us, an answer to this.
Is there a quick fix, without damaging ourselves in process. Can or will they ever just STOP !!!!!


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 16th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW never gave up, even though WH wouldn't leave me after she got pregnant. I mean, OC is now 8 years & OW's married to 2nd husband (she left 1st one for WH). She's cheated on BH last year w/WH yet again. I mean, this was after what I believe to be ~7-8 years of no physical contact (except dropoffs/pickups of OC). SHE is killing me slowly. Like a corkscrew slowly turning in my back, little by little. She's made me feel old w/all that happened last year...all the life sucked out of me (vampire maybe?). I want my life back!

Uhhhhhh! And, she better not think I'll register OC for school again this year! I was being very nice last year, but didn't know they were PA again. She can get off her lazy white lard ass & take OC to the elem. school for registration day! And, I'll be damned if I do anything to make things easier on her. I am over it, trying to be all Christian toward her. GOD wants me to behave & be good to even my enemies, but I don't think he wants me to be trampled & allow myself to be run into the ground or squashed like a bug. I used to pray that she get saved (b4 A#3)...now, I think daily...she needs to rot in HELL.

Anger issues about OW....yes....does it show? I just hate that sometimes, I feel like after A#3, I am more nit-picky & punish OC for stupid stuff (more than I did before). Sometimes, I worry that I am taking my anger about her birth out on her. I know it's not right, as OC really loves me, but I see it when I step back @the end of the day sometimes and wish I'd have handled things differently.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 7:46 AM, June 16th (Tuesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 17th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HUG))) RepeatBS and Dreamer


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, June 17th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you beajus...
Has anyone in our situation, decided to give up.?

Or who has decided this really is all worth it?

What made you really decide to stay after all this, besides love, for our spouses.?

Just asking, because the communication is what we really needed to work on, and he still is not opening up to me..

He wont talk about anything personal, hopes, dreams, ambitions, goals. Except to retire.. WTF no duh, but you screwed that up by poking your dick around..

he wont discuss, the A, the OW, the OC, or feelings inregards to it.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
SurvivingInCA
♀ Member
Member # 23898
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, June 17th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I stay or should I go? God - this is a question that I ask myself every single day.

I dont know if it is worth it but what I do know is that (apparently) infidelity is rampant in the world . And if I were to leave no matter how functional, healthy, and healed I may be there is a good chance that I could find myself in the same situation somewhere down the road. And I simply CANNOT go through this again.

One reason I stay is if H can become the best version of himself through the agony of this experience and I am able to witness the transformation it will literally restore my faith in humanity. I am hoping that his transformation will help me transform out of the cynical, bitter, angry person that this has made me.

Also, I now know more about H then I could ever know about a future, potential new H down the road. I guess I would rather bet on the known than the unknown.

The silver lining in all this if you can even call it that my Hs actions have created consequences so severe that I know that he will never cheat again. This doesnt mean that I trust him, it just means that he would never (and literally cannot afford to) put HIMSELF in this kind of situation again.

My H wont discuss the OC at all and I do worry about the psychological impact that this will ultimately have on him. For my H I think that the OC is an incredibly abstract thing for him he had no emotional connection with or love for the OW, so he feels no connection to the OC and I believe that this has to be confusing for him. Part of me feels like if he saw the OC he would fully understand the implications of his actions and how they will impact this innocent person that will now grow up without a father. I don't know if that realization will ever come and what impact it would have on him and us.

Not sure that any of this helps - I am only 2 months out so I am very new to this craziness


BW me/36, WH him/35
Married 4, together 7
Dday 4/10/09
PA 1/1/08 to 5/1/08 (5 rendezvous)
No Kids - had been trying 1/1/08 - 4/9/09
OC 01/09/DNA despite H's male factor infertility (guess she got the one miracle sperm)
R'ing

Posts: 136 | Registered: May 2009
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

should I leave or should I stay??
Reason to leave?

1. H thinks he did nothing wrong.

2. H puts OW and OC before me.

3. H is on drugs

4. H do not have my # in his phone but he has OW home #, cell#,and work# in there.

5. When we were at court H sat with OW and left me seating by myself.

6.OW calls cursing and he apologizes. If I yell he just walk out the house.

7. H stay gone all the time.

8. I do not know my H anymore.

Reason to stay??????
1. I love him

I am just venting please forgive me. I am so upset right now. I feel like I am in this world all by myself. I just can't understand why I am just not enough for my H ? We used to be bestfriends now we are strangers living together. I mean nothing to him gosh my number not in his phone. I wish I could be in that movie 7 pounds and someone gives me a house and money a new start. I know theres no running.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohhh Lynne.....

Between the drugs, the OW and OC thing, the disrespect.... you need to just close your eyes tight and go.... he is soooo sooo in the wrong
(huge squishy hugs)


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Lynne))

This was my H up to about 1 yrs. ago. The only differences, he did not sit with OW at court (although I did bust his ass when I caught him talking to her in the hallway alone while I was with the OC), and he did at least have my number in his phone, but had a nickname for OW and just had my name in the phone regular. If he had not changed I would be gone. This disrespect is not going to change because they are comfortable treating you that way. I too feel trapped for a long time, but when I realized I did not need his sorry ass and he realized that he was going to lose it all, he changed.

Will your H change too? Who knows, but right now you are not giving him any incentive too. He has you and OW " best of both worlds" so to speak, time to snatch the rug out for your own sanity.

Please PM me if you need to hon.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:29 AM, June 18th (Thursday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surviving:

Bad thing about WH, I really though that the consequences of his actions were so bad, that he'd never cheat again. That, since I was his caregiver, nursemaid, standing-by-bedside for days kinda woman after his horrible accident (paraplegia - broke 5 bones in spine w/one completely blown out & rebuilt during surgery, two in shoulder, rods in back, plate in shoulder, 4 weeks in-patient physical therapy, months of outpatient PT, whole life completely changed 4ever by injury)...I really thought that I was SAFE w/WH & that my heart was protected again.

Well, I was SO wrong. Plus, he didn't even use protection during A#3. I asked him, why were you so dumb? She's gaining weight & didn't you even think that maybe she could get pregnant w/OC#2? OMG. He said, I thought since I am a paraplegic & can't ejaculate, that there was no point in using birth control/condoms. OMG. You can still produce & release sperm w/out ejaculation. I am SO-SO glad that she didn't get pregnant during A#3. I am positive that no amount of crying & begging for me to stay could have kept me w/him after that. I'm actually really pissed @myself that I didn't go ahead w/divorce after A#3 w/OW anyway.

I just don't know why I do it....it was 4 my kids before (and I felt responsible for A#1 due to my not wanting sex & her freely giving), but if I hadn't just had WH's newborn just months earlier, I think I'd have left him after A#2. I just couldn't think of DS12 losing WH (he was always a daddy's boy) and of our 7-month-old not growing up w/both parents in same home. Plus, even though WH knew it wasn't true, @the time, he let me believe that OC might not even be his...(this was before he told me during R#3 that OC was intentionally conceived & that @the time, he thought it was a good idea to have OC w/OW)....I guess I'll never know what his intentions toward our family & his new family w/OW were. His grandpa had 2 families (kids in both & some w/same ages)....maybe he was leaning toward having 2 families also? He doesn't really have anything he wants to tell me about his intentions or WTF he was thinking by starting a family w/her. He was actually trying to get her preggers during A#1 (which was before our DS9 was conceived during HB phase of R#1). I know that if OC was conceived b4 DS9, he probably would have left me & tried to take DS12 in divorce. I love DS9 & am glad he is here...but, how would my life have been...if NO A#1/A#2/A#3 & OW never existed???? I had (what I thought) a perfect family...some issues w/marriage, but thought the world was perfect...really, I was so naive then.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. even though I'm pissed always about OC being born (and how she was INTENTIONALLY conceived at great expense to my heart)...OW (not OC) was the biggest issue after A#3. I didn't stay 4 my kids this time...I stayed to try again w/WH. He seemed so different this time in his behavior about R. Like, I really mattered. I think, he also stayed after both As because the kids. I think he stayed after A#3 (even though he could have freely gone & lived his life w/OW & OC...plus her BH's toddler, if she'd have even wanted custody of her)...I think he stayed because even though M was sucking big-time for a while, I think he's comfortable w/me & has grown accustomed to a certain type of lifestyle. I think he also doesn't want anyone else to have me (even though he betrays me, he can't fathom anyone else being w/me....isn't that a double-standard or what).

WH getting legal joint custody/CS stuff in place this year, has made me feel more secure in staying...knowing OW isn't always pulling the strings (like before)...even though she still is the invisible 3rd wheel sometimes in our M and finanaces.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:57 AM, June 18th (Thursday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC0415.............
Your right he has no incentive to change.

I told him today that he needs to leave!! Only thing he said was he'll be out the house by the time I get off work... It's hard not to call him right now but I am making a list of things that will keep me busy. I am going to take it one day at a time but enough is enough. I am tired of the disrespect....

On a funnier note!!!!
When OW was under oath the judge ask her if she any objection to the parenting plan she said "Yes,his wife never called and talk to me mother to mother and my son is always at they house" The judge told her that has nothing to do with the case and the whole court bust out laughing!!!!.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((lynne))))))


Well thing's on the adoption front are still dragging! I wrote OW an email today telling her that she needs to get on her lawyer's ass to get this thing moving and this was exactly why we didn't want to give permission for the religious ceremony, cause she got what she wanted and is still receiving CS and dragging her feet with the adoption. I also told her that my H spoke to his CS caseworker here in NY and was told that if he gives them copies of the court papers terminating his rights he will be reimbursed any CS he paid from that date until the adoption was final. Maybe that will light a fire under her butt, cause I am sure they don't want to owe us money!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

auntcis.......
I am so sorry it's taken so


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
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