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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only (next thread)
overcomingthepai
♀ New Member
Member # 24449
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BMC0415.

I'm thinking about deleting my myspace because I can't stop myself from looking at hers. Any suggestions on how to think of it as a business deal and get my emotions out of it?

Do you know if we can stipluate no direct contact between my H and OW regarding exchanges/custody, etc? Our thinking is to have her call my MIL's house if she needs to speak with my H. We spoke to my MIL and she is in total agreement with our plan. Any idea on how long it takes for a DNA test to come back? What if she refuses to let the child be tested, can we have the court order the test? I'm sure she will be totally offended by us having a DNA test.


BS 28 FWH 28
M 4 Years
DD # 1 10/08/08
DD # 2 03/01/09 (Found out OW is pregnant)
DD # 3 09/28/09 OC was born

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: PA
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone!!!!

Auntcis.... I can't wait until August!!!!!!

Dreamer1.... I feel your pain.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer!, Here is to hoping that your H sees that being civil for the sake of the OC doesn't mean bending over and letting her pugging you in the butt! Serious boundary issues here. Any idea when your next court date is? Sorry that you continue to go thru this.

Over, it took us approx. 6-8 weeks to get the court appoint DNA test back. I think that is standard. I would consult with an attorney for where you live. Most have free consults so you can see what your options are. I would not let your H agree to anything without the test and still everything should be legal, believe me we have several members here who are dealing with this and tried to be civil with OW and it bit them in the butt. As for me, when we took custody of OC, it was directed that OW not have any direct contact with my H. I changed his cell phone number, cut off our house number and she was only to contact my phone if she wanted to talk to her children. When final custody was decided and she was given visitation, the judge asked what I thought about visitation, I told him based on this situation, if a 3rd party could faciliate the visitation I believe it would be in the best interest of the children. So it was set up that a 3rd party of my H and I choice would take children to visits. Of course OW did not visit with them once she found out she would not see my H. Of course my situation is a little different. The the common thread is the judge wants to hear what is in the best interst of the children, not what would work better for our marriages or our feelings as a BS. And most BS's are not even allowed in the hearing or courtroom.

As far as a "business deal", I took the approach of what do we have to do do to handle this situation. I made steps and goals that we needed to complete to deal with OW and OC. I did my best not to show emotion when I picked up Oc from her during the visits before we got custody and then if I need to cry, scream, or yell, I did it later in privacy. OW thought she had it made and did not see it coming when I laid the boom on her. It was painsteaking for me as I had to send the OC back to that hell hole for several months until I could build up enough of a case to have them removed. Once OW saw she did not have support of my H anymore,she backed away. May not happen for everyone. This also depends on the actions of your H. You have to be a united front, you can not show OW that there are any "cracks in your foundation". If you have not read "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass, I suggest that you do. It has some very good tips on how to rebuild your relationship, put the OW outside of your marriage and deal with some of the feelings and emotions that you will feel. My problem was my H kept making excuses for her and defending her to me. Once we started working on the same page, that changed.

If your H makes it clear that he will not do anything without a DNA test, she may do it. She can not list him as the father unless he signs an affidavit of paternity or paternity is established thru a test.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:50 AM, June 25th (Thursday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for the great support.

It is such a blessing to have a place that others understand the pain you actually feel. I am so glad to have found this forum, don't know what I would have done without it.

FWH and OW have a mediation apperance on July 13, that is when OW agreed to change the set up after a 8 week trial period, oh please, as if that is needed. Any who, we have an appointment with an attorney this tuesday, I think my FWH is thinking she will give him all what he wants in the mediation hearing, I don't think so. So my guess is that we will end up waiting tell after that before proceeding with the attorney fees/action. I know that is eventually gona be how it works out. But FWH thinks there maybe a slight possibility she will see it in her best intrest. YAH RIGHT..

I think what is most frustrating for me, is I get to place that everything is going along great, and whammy, I get off balanced, most times it is due to my snooping, but I get frustrated from her actions, comments, and just her being.. But the most part FWH has been so dead on, on everything else in our healing process. Just can't stand up to that BI&@H yeat. When that happens, I feel that is when I can let go of my snooping habits. I guess I am sort of how would you put it, addicted to checking in on the status of OW & OC, maybe I feed of this trama, it is what I have found to be norm, after this long. Oh god please help me.. I will not live like that, I am gona make the changes for me to heal, We will see a judge soon, and then I can move away from this bullshit I put myslef through.

Not sure if I made an sence, but I understand what has happened to me, us, and how. Now I just need closure. And to move forward from that.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
overcomingthepai
♀ New Member
Member # 24449
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am SO PISSED!!!!!!!

I just checked my facebook profile which I haven't been on for about 4 months and there was a couple messages from some guy who said I don't know him and he doesn't know me but he knows everything that was going on with the OW. He said that she was pregnant and she got pregnant on PURPOSE and she was planning on being a stay at home mom with MY children. He told me to fight everything thru the courts and request she can only be around my children with supervision!

I just knew she got pregnant on PURPOSE!!!!!!!!! My H is to DUMB to even realize what she was doing!!!!

I'm physically shaking! I was actually having a good day to.


BS 28 FWH 28
M 4 Years
DD # 1 10/08/08
DD # 2 03/01/09 (Found out OW is pregnant)
DD # 3 09/28/09 OC was born

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: PA
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((overcoming))

I so understand where you are at with this news, I found out that OW took fertility pills to try to trap my FWH to leave me for her, since I can not bear children, she thought this may be something that she could give him that I could not.

But what she was not aware of that it takes more than being a egg donor to break over 20 years of a bond. But it sickens me that she got to use him as a career choice, because of her actions. We already have 5 grandchildren, and now we start from scratch with twins.

What the hell do these women think. Besides my FWH being selfish, she is just as much.... They don't stop to think about what children really need and deserve, not away to start with having children in my opinion. And here I sooo desperately wanted children my intire life, and these people pop them out and don't plan what is best for children in this world. It angers me to think about it.

My prayers are with you, I know either way to have the OC in our lives is tuff, but for someone to plan this stuff on purpose just angers me.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
SurvivingInCA
♀ Member
Member # 23898
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that the OW in my case was also trying to get pregnant - or, to be more accurate, she was probably thinking "if it happens it happens". She told my H 4 months later - and told him she wanted nothing that she was planning to do this on her own--that she didn't want H in her life and she didn't want anything from him. It took her only 2 weeks (after OC was born) to decide she couldn't do it on her own. If I were her I would have spent a lot more time crunching numbers and a lot less time emailing naked photos. But hey, that's just me--maybe my priorities are out of whack.

[Oops typos!]

[This message edited by SurvivingInCA at 6:39 PM, June 25th (Thursday)]


BW – me/36, WH him/35
Married 4, together 7
Dday – 4/10/09
PA – 1/1/08 to 5/1/08 (5 rendezvous)
No Kids - had been trying 1/1/08 - 4/9/09
OC – 01/09/DNA despite H's male factor infertility (guess she got the one miracle sperm)
R'ing

Posts: 136 | Registered: May 2009
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I asked OW about getting an abortion she said "This is my last chance to have a baby, there is no way I can do that" So she never admitted that she tried to get pregnant but that statement makes you go HMMMMMMM.
And yeah we got a call when OC was 4 DAYS OLD to take her so OW could get some rest.


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW in our case got pregnant on purpose too. She figured since I was pregnant when H and I got married that, that was the only reason he married me(couldn't have possibly been for love right ) and she wanted a father for the daughter she already had and thought my H would leave me for her if she was pregnant


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the OC was conceived on the 1st night, I don't know if it was planned, but I do think that she had him just so that she could keep my H. And it worked for about 10 yrs.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW, just WOW ladies.

I thought I was the exception to the rule, but now I see that's not so.

Is this really how women and/or mothers act. This is astonishing, that women really think this is a way to keep a man, maybe in high school we might have thought that would be a way to TRAP him into staying. But reality do you want your man by traping him. Not me... I want him, because he wants me just as bad...

I want a love based on committment, feelings, not curcumstances.

I have told my husband on several occassions now, to point out why I have my guy friends than girl friends. I always thought it was beacuase I grew up with 4 brothers, and no sisters. But I believe women are evil, vicious, backstabbing bitches. Not us of course, but we can be if wanted, and have never found a guy that treats people like women do, not even my gay friends.
This is all sad a pathetic of these women. To make the rest of us sane ones look bad. They give us a bad rep. (off with their heads) LOL.

Have a great weekend everyone, I get to get back to my final exams, and my attempt at baking my first birthday cakes from scratch, wish me luck.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
overcomingthepai
♀ New Member
Member # 24449
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it amazing how these OW think that by getting pregnant that they have trapped our FWH's into being with them forever?!

The funny thing in my case is the OW thought she had gotten rid of me and she was going to raise my children (she was constantly trying to convince my H to fight me for full custody but he refused) and now I'm going to be raising HER child!

She didn't plan on that one! She will be punished for her actions and I don't even have to do anything, she did it to herself.

I have a feeling that this OC will prefer our house much better then hers & will want to live with us. The OW has NO motherly instincts. The kids are fun at first, but once the newness wears off and she can't get do whatever she wants, she isn't going to like it.

Too bad I can't see a couple years into the future and see how things turn out.

I'm feeling better today.


BS 28 FWH 28
M 4 Years
DD # 1 10/08/08
DD # 2 03/01/09 (Found out OW is pregnant)
DD # 3 09/28/09 OC was born

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: PA
SAMMYGIRL
♀ New Member
Member # 24271
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 28th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This forum is very comforting.
when I feel like my head is about to explode.

The OW that lies and says I had my tubes tide to trap a good man when he is weak and vunerable. Yes she should be stoned. But I have always put the blame where it belongs MY Weak human HUSBAND!


Living this experience is new dealing with the fall out is a real roller coaster. Twins from the OW- WOW!! PAternity test 7-10
May GOD , Prove that she really is a lying skank.
Thanks S.I for being ther I just had to vent.

It's such a hard road.

Footprints in the sand! I know who's footprints are in teh said now!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,courage to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference .

HAve a better DAy!

HUGS>>>>> HUGS>>>>


me-Bs 49/him-WS 53
d -day #1 4-08
D-day 2 5-10-09
r-5-13-09 Working at it together
married 20 yrs
9 kids 6 grandchildren
OC TWINS 1 yr old

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2009
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 28th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so freaken pissed, yesterday OW had her B-day party for the OC, and my step son went to hers. Then around noon she called my FWH and informed him that he will not be recieving the OC today as she had family come in from out of town so she was keeping the boys to visit with family. We had out B-day party planned for today, and I hand made the B-day cakes and had invitations sent out and all.

Dear MIL told OW about our party and so that my party would be a failure and she could piss me off, OW changed the parenting time at the last minute. What a BI%#ch. My FWH did not mention about the party, because he thought that would be talking about personal stuff to OW, which I have requested him not to do.

OW sent invitations to all of FWH family, except me for her party. MIL also, told brother in law that my FWH wanted her to give it to him, what a big fat liar, OW wanted her to pass them out. So he called and asked cause they received one from us for ours. Why does she do this shit. my MIL is gona really piss me off, by making everything seem from FWH. She also recently told one of my dear friends father that my FWH had been seperated for 6 months, maybe to make it seem like he got OW pregnant while we seperated. LOL to save face for her family, well we were never seperated, he did this shit while still being with me, and that is a product of what your husband did to you many years ago, stay out of my marriage people, damn..

I just don't understand people that lie, to save there face, and hurt people for their benefit.

By the way my cakes turned out so cute, and got my exams done. Does anyone know how to store a frosted cake for a week, and still keep it's freshness.?

Planned OC's party for next weekend.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 28th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sammygirl, welcome to our forum. I am sorry that you find yourself going thru this. Do you have a plan on how to deal with this situation? I suggest tath you go back to pg.5 on this thread and review the OC Handbook. I think you were saying 7-10 weeks for the results, or was it 7-10 days? Either way you really need to have a plan in place to protect yourself and any minor children you may still have at home. Hugs to you, I hope that the test comes back in your favor.

Dreamer1, I am sorry to say that I kind of saw this coming. I am pissed for you myself and at your MIL for her actions. People kill me when they try to sugar a situation so as not to embarass themselves or family. Your H allows this behavior and she is going to continue to act like this.

How nice of you to make the cakes! as far as keeping them fresh, my H suggested that you visit the food network's website and see if they mention how to store cakes.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 28th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My food network addict husband said freeze them :)


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eat the cakes to get over the anger & make new ones :) Eat the tubs of ice cream that go w/them. Or better, smash them in MIL's face (she needs a good wake-up call)!

I don't know what ILs tell people about OC. Everyone knows that WH would never leave the house (it's on his parents' property) and most know I'd never leave home w/out my sons. I think, because OC is rather tall & heavy for her age, they think that DS12 & OC are WHs from someone else and that I broke up his marriage w/someone else and had DS9. SO-SO-SO far from the truth. We've never been separated & have been married almost 16 years. WH didn't have to have a shotgun wedding either....and DS9 wasn't me being a coniving witch. I believed for many years that OC was all OW's fault to try & ruin marriage (yet WH was on-board w/them trying for 2 years off & on to have OC) and OW's mother told me that OW believed that I tricked WH into getting me pregnant (we were HB after A#1 & I said I wanted another child & we banged literally every day for over a month to try & get me pregnant - since it took 2 years to get pregnant w/DS12 after I got off BC pills). I did kinda sneak DS12 on WH (but he was happy when he found out), but DS9 was 100% planned (and for that matter, I guess OC was 100% planned - however dumbass the plan was).

You just can't sugar-coat As & OC. Sounds like MIL is in denial that her DS was a cheater.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:27 PM, June 29th (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Overcoming
(((HUG)))

OW & WH were trying to get OW pregnant. Her 1st husband had vasectomy when married b4 (had DD w/wife #1). OW married him fully knowing they'd never conceive. She left BH#1 to start affair with WH & during A#1, they were trying to knock-her-up and also trying during A#2 (probably even while I was pregnant too - which he has amnesia about if PA was going on then). OW's mother said WH didn't break off until OW was quite pregnant, but WH said he broke off when she said she was pregnant (I found out when she was about 3 months along when WH sprang that news on me). I will never know the truth. I hope that he didn’t rub her belly & talk to OC, like he did w/my pregnancies. It’s just weird to think of him being that way w/her.

I do know now that WH was on-board with giving her a child & he is tight-lipped about what (if any) promises were made about leaving me, taking the kids/leaving kids, or marrying her. He "claims" he had no real agenda, but I just don't think you purposely knock up OW, w/out some idea of the consequences or what U want out of it.

For 8 years, I truly thought that OW had seduced him when she got pregnant….that he’d not had PA w/OW after D-day#1 and was being faithful to me (only continuing phone contact “just friends” w/OW). That OW had asked him to come see her and he made mistake of going to OW’s momma’s and that she seduced him. That she (unbeknownst to him) was trying to get pregnant & it worked. Yes, I naively believed that it was all her plan to force a divorce.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
overcomingthepai
♀ New Member
Member # 24449
Concerned  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SammyGirl

Sorry you are here, but the support here great!!

I hope it turns out not to be your H's.


BS 28 FWH 28
M 4 Years
DD # 1 10/08/08
DD # 2 03/01/09 (Found out OW is pregnant)
DD # 3 09/28/09 OC was born

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: PA
overcomingthepai
♀ New Member
Member # 24449
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW's mother is going around telling people that my H & I were seperated when they got together....NOT true. Her daughter is a HOE and she needs to start seeing her daughter for the pyscho she is.


BS 28 FWH 28
M 4 Years
DD # 1 10/08/08
DD # 2 03/01/09 (Found out OW is pregnant)
DD # 3 09/28/09 OC was born

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: PA
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