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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only (next thread)
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, May 4th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When OW wasn't contacting WH's lawyer or a lawyer on her behalf. Lawyer told WH, that most likely, if she didn't show up to court date either (after she'd been served), they'd issue a warrant for her arrest. Said the female judge in our county is pro-kid & would most likely agree to any provisions for visitation w/OC that WH wanted...especially if OW wasn't even attempting at mediation. Fortunately, that wasn't necessary.

I honestly wanted OW to go to jail for not showing to court.

It was also a toss-up as to whether the Juvenile Court or other court (can't remember what he called it) would be looking @paperwork. He said we were lucky it was Juvenile Court that reviewed the papers.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, May 4th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW has agreed to file proper paperwork to have CS stopped and to have a letter signed in front of a notary saying she won't change her mind and come after H for back CS, in exchange for H agreeing to let her have the religious ceremony done before adoption is final! We are still going forward with the adoption, but OW was afraid that it won't be final before the end of the month and she REALLY wants this ceremony done. So we told her as soon as we get the notification that CS is no longer coming out of H paycheck and we get the notarized letter from her, my H will sign the consent form! It's looking up for us, I'm so happy


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer1, How did it go with meeting the twins? I will tell you when I first brought the OC to my house and they kept calling my H daddy, it really hurt me to the extent that I would go up into my kids room and cry. But after a while it did not bother me anymore. I hope you get to that point as well, you will soon find out that the kids are innocent children that you will develop a seperate relationship with no matter who are the parents.

Lynne, my suggestion, I would not ingage the friend into this situation. It has a way of backfiring. My H and OW had mutual friend that wanted what was in the best interest of the OC, but did not let that change the friendship that she had with OW and told her things that we wanted to do, giving her the upper hand. This friend even wrote us a recommendation letter to the Custody & Guardian worker. I would keep this strictly legal. Let you lawyer handle OW, that is what they get paid for. Once you get caught up in the OW drama, it will consume you, believe me I know. For the first 6-8 months I was so caught up in what OW was saying and doing, I could not work on my own relationship.

RepeatBS, just want to give you hugs and support as your story is one of the toughest to deal with. May you continue to be strong thru this.

AuntCis, this is great news! I really hope she follows thru. Don't forget we have a celebration planned once this is done!

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:54 AM, May 5th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC0415 THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Content  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC0415: thanks for the support. I'm not glad that anyone has to be part of OC support thread, but it helps me to login & rant & rave sometimes.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well parenting time went ok. I handeled it ok, they are so cute, but reminded me of my graandson sooo much. He met OW at wal-mart parking lot he says He helped with changing them and playing with them. We took them for a ride to get lunch at FWH asked if I was doing ok, I said yes, he then asked if I was faking it, I said no but if you ask me it brings things to mind, so I proceed to tell him the thing that really is bothering me right now, is why I feel like I could not have my own with him !!! And he was very understanding of my feelings. THey were very good, one of them would not me leave his sight, I think that one is the mommas boy. LOL, she sent all the supplies needed and even asked FWH why he did not just keep the supplies.

Later that night we got a room out of town to have us time, and I asked him if I could talk about things to just get them from running throught my head, and he was ok with it, I told him that it was nothing I wanted him to fix, just wanted to release some thought, so I expressed my feeling about them asking me to not post pictures of the children on myspace, and intise her or come with him to pick up or drop off, I said what about what I wanted, I wanted and asked her to stay away from you, but did she do that... And he said that right now she has control and things are diffcult for her I said that was her choice I did not have one, and that he needed to stop defending her like that.. THen I told him that I was very hurt that this happened to me, and I never thought I deserved any of this that I was not that bad of a wife to have this happen to me like this..

After that the rest of our evening went great..

Then monday OW had class out of town and one of the OC was running a temp. and daycare sent them home, so OW called FWH to take them to the Doctors, and he asked if I was upset cause of it. No why would I be.. I had mentioned to FWH about him grabbing his ear the day before like our grandson used to do, and I said remember I said something about that and he goes ya thats right. duhh... He also mentioned how they took to me and how easy of a transistion it was. I mentioned have you ever known a baby to not take to me, he said No, I guess not..

WOW, just WOW.. what a f&@*ing experience. Sorry we all have to go throught this..

But I am happy for him, that he will be more apart of their lives, and not with just her, with me...

We are still going to consult with an attorney, to make sure we get things how we want them, or maybe how I want them...


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HUGS))) Dreamer.

Meeting OCs is a big step. I know you feel powerless, but I think that letting WH know how you feel @every step, is a good thing. I kept most of my feelings in & WH thought everything was always FINE about OC. It wasn't many times. I just went through day-2-day, bottling up all the anger/hurt/fears and nobody to support me. WH should be your rock (best friend), shouldn't he? I think I should have had more breakdowns back when OC came home...maybe, he could have seen that this wasn't OKAY with me.

I go through spells of "why do I even bother?"

I have opinions that conflict sometimes w/WH about OC, and that is very difficult for me. OC isn't my child, but I am responsible for her wellbeing. Sometimes, I think OW does things to try & make WH look like the "bad guy" and even though I want WH to push back sometimes...it just depends on his mood as to whether he just agrees w/OW to resolve conflict, or disagrees w/her because he wants an arguement w/her. They both have very bad tempers & OW tends to use a lot of foul language toward WH, when they argue. YES, I insist on listening to conversations after D-day#3. If he wants me, he loses all privacy about OW.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer1,

You seemed to have handled this very well, as well as any BS can in this stitch. One thing that your H said that bothered me was " how easy of a transistion it was" and "OW is in control and she has it hard right now."

Easy transition for who? Because you did not go screaming from the room or refused to hold them, it was an easy transition? I know he probably did not mean anything bad by it, but I am sure that your guts was screaming in pain and you did a very good job of keeping it together.

As far as OW being in control, nope not unless he let's her. That is why you need to consult with the attorney so that she does not get to dicate when he sees them, if you can be present for pick up and drop off and any other issues that may arise.

I proud of you for taking the step to meet the OC because I know how difficult that was. I hope things get better.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to share a picture of the twins in case you don't post in F&G.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
NotThatGirl
♀ Member
Member # 14852
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear god... I may have to remove this message very shortly, but I may soon be joining your ranks...

OK, I'm still shaken and disjointed, yadda yadda... But for some reason over an hour ago, I got the urge to check out H's emails, which I haven't done in months. And I saw a newly established facebook section for his emails (after I checked inbox, sent, etc.). So, I looked at it with an entry from someone I wasn't familiar with (female, of course).

Read the text of the FB message, saying something about... Crap. need to go look back...

Something to the effect of "her not honestly wanting to cause problems between you [H] and [me] and that she decided not to tell him"... Oh, but "he has your sister's eyes, and wouldn't interfere in your life at all if you didn't want..." Yadda yadda....

Further messages through FB indicate that there was an agreement to lie to me from almost 20 years back about her kid being H's... We became a couple shortly afterwards the child was born (I was even in her French class her last trimester!!!! before H and I met).

Essentially, they hooked up for about two weeks (what I was told back then) and protection was used. H and I met about three months after baby was born, with baby-momma claiming it was her boyfriend's that she met after H and she broke up.... She contacted H a week ago, claiming the boy wanted to know who his real father was and would have shown up on our doorstep if she didn't tell him more.

She messaged H not "wanting to cause trouble for us" to let him know the boy was now curious about his "professed" parentage. (keep in mind my H works for a large and successful corporation, so I'm thinking $$$ may be involved here). With the implied threat that he was going to come to our doorstep on his 18th birthday....

I call total bullshit, since I've been on these forums for the last two some odd years... I think they're only seeing $$$ signs considering H's place of employment is on his FB page for all to see. I'm already looking up family attorney's in this area to protect our disabled child's rights for CS should this matter become further pressing.

But god, when am I going to catch a break? My only last comfort was in knowing that our son was my H's only child (issues relating to his birth and disability issues). And now, that seems to have been ripped away from me too.

Oh, the FB messages seem to imply that H has known the OC may have been his all along and he just asked the mother to lie about it once we became a couple...

Sorry if I'm interrupting a legitimate thread, since I'm not sure of the total absolute facts here (just found out an hour or so ago).... But right now, I have to figure out how to protect my child from this perceived threat...

Not to mention my own selfish needs to feel like my child is indeed the only child my H led me to believe was his.... God this sucks!


"Don't wish. Don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart." - Elphaba, "Wicked"

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: GA
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NotThatGirl,

It is perfectly all right for you to post this here as there is a possbility that there is an OC in your situation. There are members here, me included who have later found out that OC (or in my case some of the OC) are not our H's. You still need support and you are definately dealing with a real situation. What does your H says about this? IS he open to getting DNA done to find out for sure? Seeking the advice of an attorney is the best way to go at this point, I might suggest NC for both of you and OW until this is resolved. I hope things turn out better for you and feel free to PM me if you need anything.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
NotThatGirl
♀ Member
Member # 14852
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If there is anyone I regard as a figure to look up to with OC issues, it is you!
I haven't yet talked with the H about this. I found it out all on my own sleuthing skills a few hours ago. (Same way I had to find out about his affair with our once thought friend 2 yrs ago !). Seriously, I'm still reeling from the info I just now discovered. I somehow felt the need to look at H's email account at about 11am, and there the initial info was.

Flashback to earlier, 18 yrs'ish ago time -

There had been one or two ramblings about OC's mom having H's child, but H denied it entirely and gave a time line that seemed VERY plausible to support his position back then (3-5 mos. difference). Even mutual pals said the timing wasn't right for conception of (now) projected OC. Though for all I NOW know H was asking them all to lie to save his ass.

It hurts. On a level I can't even begin to express. Not to seem naive, but H was my very first full relationship. Maybe I was stupid to let him into my life.... I don't know, but the damage is done. And I feel that my job now is to protect my son - my H's actually legitimate son by me, his wife!


"Don't wish. Don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart." - Elphaba, "Wicked"

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: GA
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I"m sorry Not that Girl

I hope the kid isn't your FWH's. If he is though, you will find the strength to make it through :)


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((NotThatGirl))))

I'm sorry you are finding this out, but please don't get yourself too upset. Talk to your H and a lawyer and don't give this woman or her child ANYTHING until a DNA test can be performed. Like you said it may be all about $$$$$.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Content  Posted: 6:17 AM, May 8th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW said she has sent the letter signed by the notary saying she will file the papers to forgive the support amount each month until the adoption is final and that she won't ever come after my H for the amount forgiven! She also said that the CS case worker in her state said that they have received confirmation from NY(my state)that the support is to stop! Of course we will be making our own calls to confirm all of this, but it appears as though OW has actually done all that she said she would do! There is such a thing as a miracle! I won't mail out the consent form for the religious ceremony until we are sure everything is as it is supposed to be, but it is ready to be mailed as agreed as soon as all is well on our end! Plus we should be receiving the adoption papers from her lawyer no later than this weekend according to what her lawyer told her BMC get ready for that celebration soon!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
NotThatGirl
♀ Member
Member # 14852
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 8th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

auntcis - Thanks for the update! And while I tend to be an overly naively optimistic person, I'm so glad to hear this update!!

I've been reading your threads here for a while and have felt (silent) sympathy for you through the entire ordeal... Let's all hope this update will prove to be a genuine and real move forward for you, your H, and the OC! So glad to hear your positive update!!


"Don't wish. Don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart." - Elphaba, "Wicked"

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: GA
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 8th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AuntCis, (DOING THE HAPPY DANCE SOON)

Tell me when and where and we will set it up! This is a long time coming.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Forgive/Forget
♀ Member
Member # 23402
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 8th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

auntcis- your story gives me hope!!


"Know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier and more sensitive and aware"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2009
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, May 9th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for your encouraging words

We have run into a small snag,NY won't allow the stop on CS cause OC is still on medicaid and OW told us she wasn't OW can't put a stop if she is receiving government aid of any kind for OC. We told her that they wouldn't allow it and she said she didn't realize OC was still on medicaid, like I buy that for one second! So unless she can figure out where the mistake is she isn't getting the consent form for the ceremony from us! She really is more stupid than I thought if she expected my H and I to just sign the consent form and send it to her without checking to make sure everything was in place first. I think OW thinks she is still dealing with the 18 year old kid that she had an A with 13 years ago, boy is she wrong!

On a positive note we did receive the papers from her lawyer for my H to terminate his rights. So as soon as my H signs them in front of a judge and gets the judge to sign and put his seal on them we can send them back to her lawyer and the adoption process can begin We may have to pay CS for a little longer, but I am begining to see the light at the end of the tunnel


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
thewife0404
♀ Member
Member # 22684
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 10th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((antics))
Most( I thought all) states will not allow the discontinuation of CS on the request of mom. This is 100% a legal process and it will only end when there is someone legally obligated to take care of the child financially and that is after adoption is complete.

I am glad to see that the two attorneys are talking and moving the situation along.

I hope for you and your family that the adoption go through without a glitch. It will be a relief from your financial burden.

I also hope that there is no more delay for OC sake as she will finally have the love of a father from a man that is a father by choice and not out of obligation.

It sound like a positive situation all around.

Good Luck!


A man is not a secure retirement plan!
BS-45
WXH-47
DS-18
DD-16
DS-14
DDay-Jan99
OC#1-10
DD#2-Same OW-Jan04
OC#2-5
DIVORCED-OCT 04

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Hell
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