With moving on with R, it does make it much more difficult, but very do-able, it really does help if all C does stop for a period until the OC is born, if NC is possible do it, it can make such a difference, not in just R, but also when OC arrives, OW will try to see if the presence of the OC will change FWH opinion and come back to her, so NC can help with that boundary as well.
Good luck, and I will keep you all in my prayers.
Lynne01- WOW sounds like your OW is a pretty good catch for anyone. LOL Sorry for the situation she has been putting you through, but thank goodness your attorney is on top of things, I found out through my sons D, that if one of the parties moves further away from the original location, than that party has to pay for transportation of the child(children) to the other parent. Well hopefully for you welfare will step in and see that she is not providing a stable inviorment for children to be raised in, and you can get full custody. Good luck...
Altered, I understand your feelings and they are natural, it would be so much easier it this all went away. But you have to deal with the reality of this. For you to start working on R, NC has to be established. Now that the test has come back negative, more than likley she will not have any problems so there is no more need for direct contact. If you have to get a 3rd to act as a liason if you feel you must have contact, that maybe a good option. The main thing is to prepare yourself that this may be your H's child, and come up with a plan together to handle this. Be proactive instead of reactive. But I would focus more on your marriage until the OC arrives. I had the luxury of not knowing about OC until after they were grown, but I tell you it doesn't make the pain hurt any less. Good luck sweetie.
Dreamer1, how you doing hon? And Beajus, I am worried about you, let us know how things are, I know that you are going thru alot right now.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:56 AM, August 20th (Thursday)]
Sorry I haven't been on for a while, but I needed a break cuz I was finding I was becoming more upset and depressed when reading everythings postings. I'm doing fantastic and ready to take on OW for OC.
My faith in God has brought me to this place of healing. I still have days where I cry and the pain is bleeding out of me, but I have come to accept the OC (I think) and I have come to the conclusion that he is/will be MY child with MY H and she is just the egg donor! When we have the OC he will be OUR child together.
It will just eat her up that I will be raising the child how WE want to and she doesn't have a say what-so-ever. I'm getting my revenage on her and I don't even have to do anything...her own pain will be punishment enough.
Pregnancy definitely does not agree with OW. Her face totally broke out with acne and her butt and thighs are getting HUGH!! My MIL thinks its harlious that she is sprouting out and becoming ugly as sin! HAHAHA!
Well, when you become pregnant for all the wrong reasons, your body is going to react to that. She's ugly because she has a ugly heart.
I have soooo much to say, but not enough time. Basically our R is going awesome cuz we are putting God first in our marriage and he is restoring it and our hearts. My H has become the husband I have always wanted and never thought I would have. We are closer now than EVER before. I know his heart is truly with me.
R is possible, its rough and hard it the pain will lessen but always be there, but remember that there is a season for everything and "This to will pass."
[This message edited by overcomingthepai at 1:23 PM, August 20th (Thursday)]
check the child custody order, if fWH has one in-place. fWH's order has a mandatory clause @very end about MOVING child away. They have to notify in writing if moving out-of-state or ># miles in our state.
I just go through some of my own moments, but they are getting easier... They are most of those, what if I did this.. Why's, How comes, and so on. But they will pass..
Won't see the OC for 3 weeks, because it's hunting time for my honey, and I am gona take a trip to visit my cousin on her B-day, out to the ocean front..
Beajus- I'm concerned for you too, hope things are okay..
sending big bear ((HUGGS)) out to ya all.
BUT, here's something else. I was fixing fried bologna sandwiches for lunch yesterday. OC says she loves them, that her aunt makes them for her. I asked, do you eat them @home too. She says "yea, but I've gotta cook it myself. Momma lets me fry the bologna & make my own sandwiches." Okay, I make my kids do sandwiches sometimes themselves, but I don't let any of them use the stove (maybe DS12 if he's supervised). I even let DS12 use microwave. Frequently, OC has mentioned she cooks TV dinners for lunch (summer) and dinner for her & toddler sister, because Momma SLEEPS a lot. So, OC could burn herself, burn down the house, or give her sister food which is too hot or undercooked because OW is too LAZY or DEPRESSED to get off her unemployed (well, I don't think you can count 2-3 hours 2xweekly a job) butt & take care of OC & her baby sister. This is the woman who declared to BH & OC that she wants another baby (but a boy this time)!!!! I guess OC isn't too keen on diapering & bottlefeeding another baby (oh yes, she ratted out her momma that she slept a lot when toddler was born & she diapered her baby sister a lot - she was ONLY 5 then). CAN U BELIEVE IT????
I'm a messy housekeeper...sometimes right-down filthy, but I feed, bathe, diaper, & have clean clothes for the kids always! OC even said last week that she didn't have any undergarments to wear because "momma hasn't washed clothes." Come ON, she only works a few hours 2 nights/week cleaning a Ford showroom @her husband's 1st job, doesn't she have time to do laundry during the day. OC says she stays up cleaning & such @night & sleeps all day....can't she squeeze in some laundry? OC even said that once her stepdad is home, he takes care of toddler & gets them all ready 4 bed.
When we heard that she didn't turn in homework one day (they were @church & OW sent OC straight to bed), DH decided that @least on Wed, all her homework would be done @our house afterschool. OW sent word that OC was to do most her homework @our house before she gets her @6pm from me @park.
What do u guys think? Am I overreacting about OW, or is she lacking some basic parenting skills?
I also would think that OC feel fortunate to have people cooking for her & making sure she has a bath & is rested well.
OC is only 8 and brushes her teeth as-much as the boys @our house. We carry dental on her & she's had 5 cavities in past 2 years. DS12 & DS9 haven't ever had any (& DS9 is the sneaky boy who brushes w/out toothpaste or an imaginary toothbrush!) We have to do a breath-check on DS9, to make sure he's brushed. I don't think OW makes her brush her teeth or something...we even sent an electric toothbrush & fluoride rinse recommended by dentist to OW's house.
fWH broke NC last Wednesday also. He's filing for disabilitiy (I think u guys remember that he's been paraplegic since accident in 2005)...anyway, if he files for the 3 kids, he can also get about $200 extra per child monthly. fWH had been working (same job as pre-accident w/change in dept to one that's more wheelchair friendly) from 6months after accident until March when he got laid off. I'm so glad he got the CS papers in-order in February...so he no longer pays CS (would be nice if OW paid him, but he had it written out w/crazy wording about her covering extracurricular fees etc). Do you know, even though they have joint custody (50/50) - OW only has her 20 more days/year & she actually let DH keep OC 1 extra day on weekends this summer since he wasn't working anyway (that took the difference down to about only 10 days). Even though it's joint custody, OW can file a claim on DH's social security for OC & get the $$$$. We have OC 50% of the time & SSD said they had to mail OW a letter & took her phone # also....they have to inform her that it's being filed on OC & that she can appeal & file her own claim. HOW can OW (who isn't entitled to CS anymore) get disability benefits off of DH. They were NEVER married or anything. I just don't get it. fWH broke contact to call OW & let her know that he was filing & she'd be getting paperwork. I fully expect her to file on OC now. She might even be so pissed @fWH that she try to tell SSD that he's not handicapped or something (since he was able to BANG her in Aug/Sept09 several times). I wouldn't put it past her, really.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 1:16 PM, August 24th (Monday)]
Things are just their normal batshit crazy around here LOL.
I still have OC a BUNCH. However the time has come for me to put my feet down. Yep not just a foot but FEET! The other night, OC was crying in her exersaucer not outright screaming but fussing, and FWH stopped OVER his crying child to get a snack without even looking at her, I was like OHH HELL NO! So yeah.. Some things need to change. He still hasn't moved to the basement yet. It still needs a lot of work. But we're sleeping seperately etc.. now. So that is my update. My older 3 are starting school Wed. Number 4 starts preschool, and my last one number 5 starts a 2's program as well. I SHOULD probably start looking for a job, but i still have OC for right now although i'm charging OW as well as FWSTBXH LOL But it's not enough to live on for the boys and I. I won't just leave them High and dry... but they BOTH need to start taking responsibility for OC.
Hi all, I'm still hanging around but feel a bit wierd posting sometimes since OW/OC are really a non-issue for us anymore. Just one small update....OW/OC did attend the family BBQ that my H and our COM skipped because they were going to be there. And my H niece, who my DD really bonded with while they were visiting, took a picture of OC at the BBQ and showed it to my DD and she was very suprised at how much alike she and OC look . I'm not upset with my H niece cause my DD knows about OC, but I think it bothered DD that she and OC look so much alike. I explained to her that they both look just like thier father so there were bound to be some similarities. Then she says "yeah, but you are so much better looking than OW so that must be where my extra beauty comes from" I told her comments like that are why she is my favorite daughter(she is my only daughter )!
Sorry to all of you who are having a rough time as of late If anyone has a question that they think I might be able to help them out with please feel free to PM me cause I will probably see that sooner than I may see something here in the forum
Wishing you all the best
I'm so sorry your H isn't taking you into consideration. My H came to maybe 5 prenatal visits and that was for all 3 COM, cause he was working and couldn't come. Me and all 3 of our kids survived just fine without him. There isn't anything that the man needs to be there for other than wanting to be. IMHO you need to tell him that there is no reason for him to go to prenatal visits and there is no reason to have any contact with OW until OC is born and DNA testing is done. Good luck
I am so sorry sweetie, your H is picking OW's feelings over yours. If you don't get off the fence now, this is how it is going to be once OC is born. Only you can decide if you can live this way. Look inside yourself, can you live with your H having two families and making hers first?
If you can't, it is time to put the boundaries down, if he can not live up to those boundaries, than you have to decide what is best for you. It has been determined the amnio came out ok, there is no need for him to continue to attend these visits. He is acting like the supportive father and you are left home to recieve the scraps that are left over. Not fair. Some of us have FWH that are doing everything to mend their family and putting the OW in her place. Some of us have FWH that are having contact and disregard our feelings while we are sitting around wondering why we continue to live this way. None of us can advise you to leave or not leave, all we can do is support you and please lean on us. You have to decide what you can live with. What is right for you?
Did the amnio show that he is the father? Paternity testing can be done from amniocentesis. It's genetic testing after all.
He was however in the delivery room with OW when she had OC. That was a joint decision. OW and I were on pretty good terms by then. (I know it's hard to imagine now though for you). He did NOT go to support OW and didn't go into the delivery room till the midwife said the baby is about to crown. He got to cut her cord and be the first to hold her. LIke i said though.. we were fairly certain it was his baby. If it hadn't of been... well then he lost out on 2 hrs of pay from work and well he was an old hat at the delivery room and cutting trhe cord thing LOL. But once she was born we knew she was his :)
I actually went up later that day to see OW and the baby but a bunch of her and FW"s co workers were there so left and went back up the next day to see OC. It was hard... one of the hardest things i've ever done. BUT...all i saw was a newborn baby, my boys' sister. That is what she's been ever since. I still love her very very much and intend to always have a relationship with her (OC) because I want my boys to know her :) Long after FWH and I and OW are gone. They will all have each other and it hopefully won't matter to them at that time who slept with who who's parents are who etc etc....
That is just my thoughts on it! I"m quite tolerant of a lot of things.
If you cannot tolerate his attending appts. and the birth (nothinhg wrong with that), you and he both need to lay it out right now and get things in order.
FW, never did anything I wasn't OK with. It was I who brought up his attending the birth. He never did more than i was comfortable with. He still hasn't. :) Although we're seperated now, it had nothing to do with OW, or OC or infidelity :)
I don't think I could have handled fWH attending OB appts w/OW. He wanted to be there for birth, which I had been dreading, but OW was really pissed @him, so she didn't even tell him about OC's birth until they got home. OW had her new boyfriend (current BH) with her for delivery, so she had someone w/her at least.
I almost lost-it before OC's birth & had to seek IC for severe depression. I don't know what would my state-of-mind would have been, if he'd gone to hospital with her. I am glad I never had to find out.
First meeting w/OC was very difficult, but I'm glad it was in our home & fWH hadn't sat in delivery holding OW's hand....cheering her on & coaching her. He was in-room during my attempted vaginal birth, but didn't hold my hand during contractions or anything....he didn't really act concerned @all until they said Emergency C-section. It would have hurt, to think he did that for her. Whew! Can't thank GOD enough for not making fWH chose OC over my feelings on her birthday. He absolutely knew how I felt.
I left this summer. I told WH that I needed some spsce and I was leaving I also told him that he had some decisions to make abhout his life.
I went and stayed with my family. He continued to have contact with both OW's only one has an OC wiith WH. I talked to him on a regulsr basis and was starting to move on with my life. I think it scared him. When i got home he had broke off all contact with both OW's. The mother of OC contributed to this by not letting WH spend time with OC when he wanted to. I truly think this is for real which will make our m that much better because I just could not stomach ANY kind of contact with the OC, and I think that would have been the end of our M.
Sure enough, Monday OW found FWH at lunch at said that she did not want him taking her to the Dr as much, if he wanted to know about the baby to text and she would let him know. OW told him that she was in love with him and it would be better for her and for our M if there was less contact. duh!
I told FWH that the fact OW was having his baby hurt and I would never be totally comfortable with the Dr visits, but I realized that none of this was about OW or her needs, and that helped my peace of mind. The pain hasn't stopped, but I can deal with it. FWH called OW and incubator I am just ready for the due date and DNA!! P.S. Checked on amio DNA, and was told sample would not be enough.
[This message edited by altered at 11:18 AM, September 1st (Tuesday)]
I am glad that you and your h sat down and talked about this. Understanding his motives was good because it was different than what you were suspecting. As far as the OW, don't be surprised if her attitude changes fromt he concentrate on your marriage to I need you attitude again, especially as she gets closer to the due date.
The main thing is that you and your H have to be prepared and set those boundaries so that you have some idea how to handle it if it gets to that point. Do you best to focus on what is best for both of you until the dna can be done.
Hugs to you.
I answered you on your other thread, remember "cautiously optimistic".
Good luck Sweetie.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:47 AM, September 1st (Tuesday)]