His son is a rebelious young adult with 2 children, his daughter he did not know about tell she was over 21, and now the twins. He believes without being in their lives that they will not turn out proper, that they are missing out on having a dad around 24/7.
I tried to explain that, it is better to not have a dad around 24/7 if the mom and dad do not have a strong relationship, that he would be putting a bigger burden on the children to be with someone for just the sake of being with them. What kind of example would that be, and how would the OC really feel if you did not stay, and left them after a period of time.
I think it all boiled down to him wanting to be more involved in their life than he was with his other children.
But now I am sitting here every moment, woundering if I am keeping him from truely being happy, is he staying with me, because of comfort, and familiarity, and yes love. Will he regret his choice in another couple months. Do I just say good bye, and good luck with your dreams. I am so confused now..
I am almost to the point of just giving up now. There is only so much of this shit I can go through.
I am just wondering if the history is over seeing the true feelings we have for eachother, and we can not let go, because of such a long history together. I understand that we will always love each other, because of the years together, but our we in love with each other anymore...
Life is the same old same old. We don't talk all that much, except about work issues, we don't go do things, he only has a couple of hours home in the evening, sex is great, but the romancing is gone. I can not remember the last time we really laughed. He asked me to be more excited when he gets home, I'm not sure how to do that..
By your own words, the romance is gone, and you don't talk about things or go out anymore. What kind of marriage do you have? Honestly if he cared as much about your happiness as you care about his, you might have a fighting chance.
Seriously look inside yourself and ask yourself if you are truly happy this way. If you are then it is settled, but if you are not, you need to take action, whatever that action is. So many times were walk around on eggshells not trying to rock the boat, trying to keep everybody civil or happy, and we forget about ourselves. There is more to life than just great sex, there is dignity, respect, love, and a host of other important positive things. Ask yourself, are you getting those things out of this relationship? Only you know what you can live with.
I am so sorry that you are confused by this situation. Sometimes the answer is right there, if we look for it. Good Luck hon.
I really have some serious thinking to do... Thank you for responding, I just need to vent this sometimes, and having someone with a different perspective helps.
I do wonder what marriage really is all about. I wonder at times if I'm staying because, I have a beautiful home, don't have to work right now. Can do my online schooling without having to do a full time job as well. I have all the finer things a person can ask for, Except a true marriage.. Which was shattered with the A. I just don't know what a happy marriage is anymore, or what it should be with the obstacle we have now.
I am leaning on the side of waiting to see how the mediation turns out. Maybe with the solid ground that comes with him going after joint custody will put things more in a perspective point of view, maybe not. I just don't know.. I think if we have some sort of control over parenting time, than FWH will feel better, and start to move in a proper direction with regard to us.
FWH has mentioned that he wants to be happy with me, and to move forward from this. But were do we start now. He does not believe in counselors, which is funny cause that is what I am studying to be a psychologist. I mentioned that, and he says that oh great, another things I screwed up with us now. Maybe that needs to be just one of my boundaries that either you go or I'm done...
Thanks again for the support and guidance.
OC had her 6 month appt. today. OW couldn't take her due to some work stuff.
Ok fine no problem i said i'd do it.
SO then OW says well they might let me pop out of training to run to the appt. for part of it, i was like Uhhh ohhhh okaaaay thinking well this is going to be uncomfortable but I'd never ever say NOOOO you cant' come to your kids' dr. appt.
So on my wya there i get a call from her thta she's already at the Dr's. office. *sigh*
So we get there and it's every bit as uncomfortable as i thought it would be but WORSE. Same office we use for our children and my peds nurse was giving me the strangest looks I just shook my head at her... Dr. didn't ask who I was or anything and OW was busy asking Is it ok for her to have juice and crap.. BLAH we do NOT give juice until at least a year. They don't nutritionally need sweet sugary stuff till much later! I just quietly said we don't give juice till a year.
Anywho OW says she can't stand the shots part of the appt. so i figured for sure she'd vacate before that happened, but NOPE.. she stayed and walked me to my truck after the appt.!
I don't get why she didn't just take her, or even ask me to not come in or something!
UGHHHHHHH i'm just feeling blah now.... spending an hour and 15 minutes with mostly just her in an enclosed space was a lot for me to deal with. I don't really mind her anymore.... today was just rough for whatever reason.
I have done some serious thinking on my situation, and tonight I am sitting down with FWH and telling him how it is, I can not go on like this any longer.
Tell me if these things would be appropriate...
First of all, I am getting the feeling that FWH does not want to puch the lawyer things for fear of upsetting OW, as he is keeping her in good standards for his benefit, just in case I throw his sorry ass out. Another thing I am going to tell him, I am going down and paying the retainer on the attorney tomorrow, that he has given her to much control over our lifes, and he either stands by me, or he can go live with her, and give me up for good. He must also agree to counceling to help us be a better couple, and to help with the depression he is feeling. These are the main points I think need to be disclosed.
I have a question for all you that have custody. How did you & why did you; Have OW contact you instead of FWH for phone conversations, and given my sineraio would you think it to be wise, to request this with the attorney?
Dreamer1, I think you are on the right track here and I am glad to see you thinking about yourself for a change. While you can't control what your H does, you can control how things affect you and what you are willing to accept. As far as custody, I had it put in the paperwork that she was to go thru me, your situation is a little different. The thing that the judge wants is what is in the best interest of the children. Your H has to be on the same page here with the contact or it will not fly. Based on the situation, I was able to get a 3rd party to facilicate vistation so that my H would not have to deal with her. But of course she never came for the visits. The thing to point out is that you are doing what is best for the children to have a co-parenting relationship with your H and yourself. She has to understand that you are a part of your H's life so thaterefore when he has visitation, the OC will be a part of your life. With the amount of CS that he is paying, your lawyer should be fighting more for visitation, but with the interest of the children in mind. Good luck tonight, I hope that he is willing and able to do what he needs to do, and if not you know what you are dealing with and you know what you have to do.
I'm alright :) I had a mtg. this morning with someone who is going to help me, do something I've wanted to do for a long time.
I've eluded to it in Off topic but several years ago my kids were removed and put into foster care. FWH and I got them back but it was a NIGHTMARE.
Since that time I've wanted a support group for parents going through the same situation. Whether removal was for legit, or non legit reasons and I think i've finally found the answers to my quest :)
It feels soo nice to do something for ME that I"VE WANTED.
Nothing is as lonely as having your kids taken and NO ONE knows what you're going through and due to confidentiality you can't find others. Also the stigma that is attached to it, you're labeled the rest of your life. It's just awful. So hopefully now I can start a support system that I didn't have.
Anyway just wanted to see how everyone else is doing :)
I've been worry about you. I'm glad you made it through the appt okay w/little one & OW.
I too had a weird hospital experience w/OW, OC, fWH, & myself. A few years ago, OC fell in our shower & needed stitches on her bumm. We took her to ER & OW met us there about 1 hour later. We were there for ~6 hours (5 of which were with OW). This was before A#3...you can't imagine how weird it was to make "small-talk" with OW for hours in a tiny private ER room. Even weirder was that I was rubbing OC's head & comforting her when OW popped into the ER. Even a male nurse was tongue-tied around our unconventional family. He said something stupid to OW like "OC looks just like you, almost like you just up & SH*T her out." Huh, wasn't that what happened? Don't you usually say that to dads that have kids that are their spitting image...not to the mom? Anyway. When they ended up having to knock OC out for the stitches, OW went in w/her & fWH & I sat in ER hallway waiting for it to be over. OC took about 1 hour to wake up, so we sat in a different ER private room w/OW actually caring for OC (which is rare for her).
Beajus, I really feel for you. I can't see why she didn't come out & say something like "this is OC's babysitter" or something like that (to alleviate the tension or awkwardness). She really should have said "I'll take her in & bring her back afterwards or maybe you could run to get breakfast/lunch for yourself & come back & get OC in a little while." Did you have to take all the little boys in with you, or were they in daycare/preschool/head start? To me, OW seems like your child....like she can't do anything by herself. It's not like you're her "buddy" and you are there for emotional support.
And, I'm sorry about your kids being taken away for a while. Does that worry you when you consider divorce, that stbXH will try to take them based on past history? Honestly, stuff happens like this....if my mom hadn't given me & my brother to Nana for a few years, we would have probably ended up in foster care. After she separated from her horribly abusive husband (brother's dad), she & her new boyfriend were living a lifestyle which eventually led to her losing our apartment, her yardselling almost every belonging, & moving away to a cabin w/bf that didn't have electricity or running water. I was very sad to be without her, but my brother & I couldn't live like that. Sometimes, until parents can fix themselves or things going on around them, an alternate caregiver is the only choice. I'm sorry that you've had it so hard, but you are trying to make things right & your kids are young enough to probably never remember their time in foster care.
Guys, I made it through our 1-year ANTI-versary of D-day#3 on 9/19. High fives are in order! OW/fWH have basically been NC for 1 year (few contacts for OC's custody crud & OW crying on phone about fWH being mean in paperwork and how hard EVERYTHING about this was for her), except for having to see OW @ballgames & her behaving badly @them. This is the first time in 10+years that fWH has gone w/out being buddies w/OW.
I was even a GREAT person the other day. I suggested that OC give her old bike (practicallly new) which is tiny to her sister (turned 4 on Sunday). Bike was going in our yardsale soon, but thought this a better use of it. OW/BH are living off of unemployment & BH's 2nd job (which is now his only job since layoff from Ford Dealership which closed its doors.) Maybe OC's baby sister had a nice birthday & maybe we had something to do with it.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:57 AM, September 29th (Tuesday)]
I"m not worried about STBH taking the kids. He lost custody of them as well when everything happened.
(Just so no one thinks i beat my kids or intentially tried to do them harm or anything) What happened is that FWH and i got into a fight and he left to go stay at my moms house (she lived/lives next door) for the night. At some point in the middle of the night My oldest who was 5 at the time and also is special needs, woke up and he was angry with us for not allowing him to go swimming earlier that day. So he decided he WAS going to go swimming at the river by our home, so he woke up the twins who were 3 at the time and he took them out the back door. I was totally unaware I was asleep. They were found at 3 am wandering a couple blocks from our house. Thankfully ODS foudn our house and could tell the police, I LIVE THERE!! I woke up at 3 am with a flahslight from the police in my face and they also found the house completely a mess.. NOT unsanitary but there was clothes everywhere toys everywhere piles of papers etc etc etc.. So FWH and I were arrested on Child endangerment x4 (my now 4 yr old was just 14 months at the time and was asleep with me). Anyway They tried to place with family but FWH's family lives far away and I only have one living relative my mom and they said she was in too close of proximity to us. SO they ended up split up and put in foster care. The twins were moved from house to house to house... it was awful. My oldest and the then 14 month old were placed together in a home where they got to stay the whole time.
We got them back after a year.
I worry that if i don't provide the care for OC she'll end up in foster care at some point. OW doesnt' have custody of her other child who is a teenager now. Seeing what happened to my kids from being in FC (still have nightmares, have a lot of anger towards me and FWH, my oldest ended up abused while in FC by an older boy), I can't stand to see something like that happen to OC. Which is why i probably put up with more than I should.
I wish my kids didn't remember FC but they do.
We've actually gone on to have great friendships with the last set of FP the twins had and the ones that my oldest and my 4 yr old stayed with. They love my children VERY much even my now 2 yr old and OC. We do BBQ's etc... and kids can never have too many people that love them ya know
anyway sorry for the minibook LOL
The oldest 3 were in elementary school and my 4 yr old and 2 yr old were in preschool :)
So it was just me, OC and OW.
As for the parent thing.... you kinda hit the nail on the head. I want what is best for OC and sometimes that means helping OW with things, like when to start solids, how much to feed OC buying stuff for OC, I helped her out with BFing as well. Maybe it's because I've let go of any harsh feelings. LIke i said maybe i'm compartmentalizing LOL
I am working on some detaching though. FWH was supposed to have OC this weekend From Sat. night till this morning. HE full intended to take her BUT HE was SICK... i said so how do you intend to care for OC when you're this sick and he's like You mean you won't do it??? and I said noooo, it's YOUR WEEKEND, i'm just the daycare provider at this point FWH. HE was like "oh". So he called OW and said he couldn't take her this weekend. I missed OC like CRAZY though LOL.
Sorry about FC for kids. We had to actually put slide-bolt locks on topmost part of our doors when DS13 was small. We found him wandering outdoors in the weeds near creek in his cowboy boots & diaper (he was about 2). He was following the "kitty." We were so glad he didn't fall into the creek. We had all taken an afternoon nap which led to it getting dark. DS had gotten rather good @opening doors.
The slide lock was actually still in-use on our doors until fWH became paraplegic in 2005 & couldn't reach them anymore.
I guess we're pretty lucky that DS wasn't injured/lost and that nobody had seen him to turn us in (we live in secluded wooded area).
My baby brother (now 32) was the same way. He'd climb out his parents' bedroom window while everyone was asleep (he refused to sleep in bed, so slept on blankets in Mom's bedroom floor) & go visit our neighbor next door. Mom & his dad wouldn't even hear him. He was a real climber (wound up on top refrigerator sometimes too).
I'm sorry about your kids, but hopefully all this trauma from S & D, plus everything w/OC&OW isn't too traumatic for them. D is hard on everyone...plus you have been through so much about A & OC.
What I hate is "playing nice" around OW for the sake of OC. I have to be polite & put on smily face so OC won't think I'm being rude/mean to OW. I just can't come out the "bad guy" in this one, as OC doesn't even know what sex or affairs are right now. Wonder what she'll think once she gets into 5th grade & they do sex ed. classes. She's also a Christian & I'm not sure what age they start talking about abstinence to them.
I guess what helped me was handling this situation on my terms. Once the OW saw she lost control over my H and the situation, she backed off. This may happen in your case as well. Someone in her position may not be up to taking care of another child, unless she thinks that will bond her to your H and she will get some help. Not all OW are like that, but she sounds that way just form the way she had been acting. I think I suggested this before, but go back and read pg. 5 of this thread about the OC handbook and see if there are any suggestions that may be helpful to you. Also, we are having a G2G in Maryland, possibly Baltimore area on 12/5, it would be great to meet you if you can make it. Good luck to you I will be thinking of you.
Beajus, things happen to us as parents sometimes. I am sorry that you went thru the CPS issue with your kids. One time my friend was accused of beating her children and they weer taken away and put in 3 seperate homes, the one as put with his bio-dad who wanted the life insurance on the kid and withheld his brain medication. It took her alomst a year to get them back. It broke my heart, so I know some of the pain that you experienced. Good for you taking a painful experience and making it into a positive thing for other people.
As far as the OC goes, you have a good heart, don't let that allow OW and FWH take advantage of you. Put some boundaries there and protect yourself.
RepeatBS, always thinking of you. Keep your head up.
OW would be like:
Poor me, I have no friends, my husband's always gone, can't U just meet me @secluded motel to TALK?
I just pray that her newfound religion is genuine & maybe her husband will be home daily. And here I thought things were getting easier now. I'm such a worry-wart anyway.
I would almost pray that OW & toddler decide to go on the big-rig w/BH for long runs & OW decide to give OC to us full-time...but, that's just too much to dream for, isn't it?
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 2:32 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]
I'll think good thoughts for you.
Let your FWH know what is going on so you can he can deal with any advances she might throw his way, together!
As for me.. I'm spitting mad this morning.
We do not have the finances to provide OC with formula all the time. I use coupons etc... but it's still INSANELY expensive. We asked OW to please sign OC up for WIC to help with formula costs. Especially this time of the year, we need every penny with halloween coming up, winter gear to buy for all the boys christmas etc...
She never did it. So FWH was going to take i tupon himself to do it. I called down to the WIC office to find out what was needed. They said a birth certificate with FWH's name on it stating he was her father etc etc... sooooo we've asked for a copy of OC's BC in the past and haven't gotten it. No biggie... so i have a friend in vital records who was going to fast track me a copy of the BC for free (usually you have to pay for a copy), but here is the kicker... FWH is NOT ON the birth certificate. There is NO father listed!!! WTF?
I"m sooo flippen mad. After we got paternity test results FWH went with OW to file a paternity affidavit. They had it notarized etc and the hospital actually sent it off for them! Well a few weeks go by after OC's birth and OW informs us the BC paperwork and paternity affidavit were sent back to her because the notary signed in the wrong place... so FWH asks if she needs him to go with her to get it renotarized (this time in the right spot LOL) she says no no i just need to take it in myself and get ti done which i'm going to do tomorrow and will send it back in. Ummmmmm yeah.... apparently that has never been done! Soooo yeah... We don't have the money for OC's formula, WE (err rather FWH) can't sign her up for WIC, OW won't sign her up for WIC... WTF are we supposed to do now? We did ask OW to bring us formula and she did, a tiny sample container from the hospital when OC was born that isn't even the kind OC drinks, it's regular formula and OC has to have the gentle/sensitive kind (OW knows this) or she vomits and screams and breaks out into a rash. UGHH i want to rip my hair out.
This is beyond ridiculous! Tell the OW that if she does not get the OC signed up for WIC immediately that you will not be able to watch her anymore. That is what I would do. You are putting too much on yourself for an OW and an OC that bascially a reminder of the betrayal that you experienced at the hands of the father of your children.
Now you are expected to buy formula when she can get it for free by signing some papers and going thru the necessary actions? Where I live there is a place called the pregnancy center and they provide emeregency baby formula, pampers, etc. See if they have something like that where you live, and if they do, see if they can help you, but leave the emergency formula at your house and don't let OW know you have it, this is so that the baby has something.
Sorry that you continue to go thru this craziness!
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 12:22 PM, October 1st (Thursday)]
I can't believe what you're going through. fWH was giving OW $400/month for 8 years. OW's momma actually asked fWH to buy formula/diapers etc for her once. OW was spending the CS $$$ on her car payment/cigarettes/credit card bills & not buying anything for OC. Her momma (the babysitter) was buying diapers, formula, wipes, & baby food for OC. fWH bought stuff for OC then royally chewed OW out. This was when OW/OC were living w/OW's momma & stepdad. (Plus, we had OC about 3-4 days/nights per week).
fWH threatened to use CS to buy supplies & not give her any $$$ if she didn't straighten up.
OW needs to file stuff for OC's birth certificate right away. In our state, it was free to change OC's last name within so many months...then there's a court cost & crud otherwise.
I know you love OC so much...but, you cannot support fWH's child from your income. You have your own children to take care of.
That whole situation is so screwed up...it's not even funny.
Tell her you wanna adopt OC...she might as well be yours. Adopt OW as well, as she needs a momma.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 7:25 AM, October 2nd (Friday)]
I was worrying about your OC last night. If OW only has hospital samples for formula that aren't even OC's type...what is she doing to feed OC once she takes her home @night? Is she even feeding her or is someone else watching OC (like a grandma or something)?
When DS9 went to daycare as infant (which wasn't that long, he went back as toddler though)....they insisted that diapers, wipes, baby food, & formula be provided. If you are positive that you won't ask OW to not bring OC back for childcare, you need to tell her that providing all that stuff are conditions of you caring for OC...no ifs, ands, or buts about it. You probably need to tell your stbXH the same thing. If he's paying CS, then he should jump her A$$ about not having OC's right formula to give you. I just really wish that if you needed the $$$ from childcare, you take in someone else's child...not OC. I mean, if you are divorcing anyway...why not start trying to wean yourself off of OC. I know you love her & she's the sibling of your kids...but, you should just wash your hands of OW & stbXH (and quit being the responsible party where OC is concerned). You are just hurting yourself. You did not choose to give birth to OC & as much as you love her, she isn't really your responsibility. You were only caring for OC as a favor for fWH...he's going to be out-of-picture once he moves out completely. He & OW can decide how to care for OC. If OC gets sick @night or whatever (once you D)....are they gonna drop OC off on your doorstep, because they are such inadequate parents? Would you expect anybody to be able to use you like that? Like OC is a little kitten/puppy in a basket? They conceived her...let them be responsible for her...OC is a sore point for me also, as I sometimes feel used, when I am doing things for OC that fWH or OW should be doing instead.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 11:00 AM, October 2nd (Friday)]
We do not give OW any child support.
As for FWH and I. We're looking at S. and right now. We operate as friends and that's it. No sex, or deep conversations, or touching each other etc etc.. I dont' know where we're headed. If he'd beg me to take him back I probably would. R. was going perfect until he did what he did (not A. related). We make a good team actually for OC for the boys etc...
IF I stop watching OC, OW will file for child support, and because FWH is already giving me approx 50% of his income the most allowed by state law, IF OW filed the child support would come from me, in other words, they would reduce the amt. I received. This was confirmed by our attorney. I think it sucks. So in a round about way, I am making money by watching OC. Because it's keeping my child support from being reduced. They(child support recovery) legally cannot take anymore money from FWH. Hopefully that makes sense.
As for the formula. I'm sure she's feeding her the right stuff when OC is with her(OC isn't usually gassy or anything after having spent time with OW), I think her bringing us the crappy kind was OW being passive aggressive.
OC does have FWH's last name. Here in Iowa, the name can be anything you want. OW could have made her last name Princess if she wanted LOL.
Thanks repeatBS and BMC
He left tonight... A couple of nights in a hotel, then moving in with her... Says he needs to know what is the right choice.. WTF....
I'm scared, but you know it really is for the best.. 4 years and I'm still not happy..
Once again the little B*&%h kept the children away from him for his sunday visit. Last weekend as well, and then texted him if he wanted to come to the park with them. Of course I was not invited. But you know what I gave him the option, and he went without me. That right there is enough for me...