Let him go play house the the OW and OC, obviously that is where he thinks he wants to be, but if I were you, he would not be coming back if it doesn't work out, don't make yourself second choice. Now you can do what is right for you and let him deal with his own drama. I will be thinking of you and if you need extras support, please feel free to PM me. Take care hon.
He's made his choice.... that wench is such a succubus. He's gonna find out after a while.... and you know what? You'll be able to sit back and laugh when he tries to come crawling back. Make this IT. No more chances for him hon.
He's wasted enough of your time :) Time for Dreamer to be happy!! We'll be with you on your journey and you can be an inspiration to me, because god knows, I need to take my own advice :)
I'm so sorry fWH has moved out. I guess, he wasn't really committed to R.
Being alone after bonding with his family, will be hard. Is there anyone around (your family) that can support you? Have any close friends you could stay with for a while? I'm just really sorry. Sometimes, I wish fWH had left me. A#3 was really hard & biting my tongue for 8 years while I cared for OC has been really hard. I almost wonder if leaving or him leaving would have made us happier.
Obviously, living life with a cake-eater is torture. I wish you the best in your S & probable D. If he comes crawling back, it's your choice in what you do, but please take care.
I am so sorry for what has happened. I hope things work out for you. Please put yourself first in this. Our situations are so much more complicated than regular A situations IMHO. With usual A, WS can go total NC and we can work to put things behind us, but with OC involved, that's often not an option. There is always some C with OW, even if it is just CS sent every month. I am scared to death that your situation could be my future. My FWH is withdrawing from OW, not checking on OC to be as much, says if there is a problem, OW will let him know. He is doing fewer Dr visits, but has one 10/12. It is so hard, but I feel he is focusing on R more.
When FWH is splitting focus, it makes it so much harder to R. Your FWH may feel he needs to do this, but it is not fair to you to have to sit and wait while he makes up his mind. You have never put him in the position where you have made him choose between OC and you, you have tried to be a united front with him. You have done all you can. OW has too much of a hold on him, and is a sorry POS to use OC to manipulate him. And he is foolish enough to fall for it. And I have no crystal ball, but I think FWH will realize how much his kowtowing to OW for OC has cost him. Be strong dreamer and know that you are worth 10 of FWH and OW. Believe it!!!
Yesterday FWH texted me for about 3 hrs straight, and today again for another 2 hrs. He now realises how deep his love for me is. BLAH BLAH BLAH.. Telling me how much he misses me, and how he know knows that he must feel me in on the lost part of his life, and what all he is gona do different. Yeppers same old song and dance stuff.
Just really confused and taking my time, and taking control back on what happens from here on out. Part of me sees that happy future without him, but other part still is so deep in love with that man. Go figure... Just need to really decide what I want, how hard is that, the million dollar question. I just wish I did not have puppies chasing around my feet everywhere I go, nerves are a little edgey, ya know. I only have two more though, now to sell.
I told FWH to take his time, cause god knows I need the break from being pulled at so many times, I just will not play this tug of war any longer, so what ever he/we do will be it. Also informed him of the new control I will take back, and what has to be different, he needs to treat OW like a divorced woman, yuck hate calling her a woman.
But I am keeping myself busy with the wedding I am planner for, 2 weeks to go for that, lots to do. Guess how hard that is on top of this. LOL But taking things one moment at a time, thats all any of us can do.
He is coming by tomorrow to pick up one of the puppies for one of his employees, told him I don't want to see him, to hard to see him walking out the door. Plus I don't want any mushey stuff just yet, but you know I really do, just don't want him to know. Guess that is kind of 180, huh.
take care all and have a blessed day.
And again thank you all for such support and guidance.
Beajus- Just do not know how I am going, but I will make sure it is best for me..
What kind of puppies do you have?
Would not believe what I just discovered in FWH email, a picture sent to him from OW of twins sitting on In-laws laps, at there home, in my town. Sent to him today.
Waiting to see if he mentions that...
I just so iretated any thing to do with OW, just wish she never exististed (can't spell)
He sent the picture to his other work email address, that there is odd to me. Don't know how to get to that email account, I thought it was a corperate thing. I just might have to have him open it on our home computer so I can take a look, even with the keylogger on. That would be creative, and testing all at the same time, getting better at these things. LOL..
The one thing that bothers me is that he is staying by his work wich is 45 min. away, and 5 min. away from OW, he is swearing he is not around her, and is just spending time alone with his head at the hotel, and OW has not been on her myspace page, so no new activity there. I don't want him back for sure if he has been with her, wont do it. Just convient that she was at in-laws, kinda like rubbing it in, if you were with me you could be at your parents with the boys, and I am excepted.
What a whore...
I just still don't understand how OW is accepted @ILs. Didn't it used-2-be so hush-hush when a married person had A, then an utter outrage to have OC w/OP? What is this world coming to, when OP is accepted open-armed & all?
My ILs didn't invite OW over, but became friends with OW's mom (who encouraged fWH to come to her home for cookouts during As & knowingly let OW have sex w/fWH in her home). MIL, SIL, niece actually sat w/OW, OW's mom, OC's aunt & cousins, & OW/BH's toddler @a preschool graduation for OC. Yes, I wasn't getting along w/MIL @the time, but sitting w/OW was 100% inappropriate. Plus, MIL knew that OW had called her proclaiming her love for fWH when he was hospitalized (bad accident ending in paraplegia in 2005). HOW on earth, is it appropriate for OW to sit w/fWH's family?
Uggghhhh! Doesn't it just make U wanna scream sometimes????
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 10:20 AM, October 6th (Tuesday)]
Now if it were you and him taking the boys to the in-laws that is one thing, but for you not to be included and not know about it, well I think that speaks volumes and frankly I would not believe a word that came out of his mouth. And everytime the phone calls stopped between my H and OW, it was because he was with her so there was no reason for the calls. So if you are not seeing activity on her page, there maybe a reason for it. I don't believe for one second that he is staying at the hotel and not visiting OW. If he was so conflicted about being in the boy's lives, then wouldn't this be the best opportunity for him to be there without interference or argument from you? Be true to yourself and hold your head up high because you don't need is bullshit. (End of Vent)
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:06 AM, October 6th (Tuesday)]
I wouldn't be too concerned about him e-mailing the photo to himself. He might be thinking of putting twins photo as a desktop background. Was it a photo of OW plus twins sitting on grandparents laps? I really feel like your ILs are encouraging OW to visit them w/twins. I know, it's their business about who's invited over, but I really think they should have asked OW to drop them off for visit & her pick them up later (but approving it through WH). Until you D, OW shouldn't be considered family for them.
Do you think WH arranged the meeting @ILs?
Was it you that had the ILs who were lied to & told the OC were conceived during a S from fWH? I can't remember. If so, too bad there isn't iron-clad proof that twins were conceived during an affair (not during a separation). It might be all it too to change their perception of WH & OW's relationship.
You raised his kids, right? How do they feel about the whole thing? What do they know of whole situation?
Well here comes the whopper of all, I could not sleep, or should say have not been able to, but anyway I was up cleaning, scrubbing the house last night, and FWH comes in the front door around midnight, said he had been texting me all day and trying to call, but I was not answering, his new cell phone was tweaked, but anyway, he was trying to get ahold of me that he was coming back home. What a stunning moment, I just was so caught off guard with his presence, I had to walk away to get myself together...
So here is what transpired, he swears that I am the main purpose for his existance, and that he wants to prove to me that I matter to him more than anything, has come to accept his mistakes, and is truely deeply soory for all he has put me through, While he will not see the OC until everything has been set in stone, and he has to come to accept this decision he has made.
He said he expected me to tell him to leave, but I couldn't damn it to hell. But I did tell him that he may say he loves me, but I will need to see actions to prove that it is word. Not just another sentence he can say freely. While I also told him that, I can not promise that in 2 weeks-3 months that I wont be able to still do this and want to start fresh by myself. He understood and was ok with that, actually what choice does he have. He also told me that he did go see the OC, at the daycare, when OW was there to pick them up, he did not want to see them before that, and get them dissapointed when he left, and put strain on the daycare people. But he disclosed it, I did not know this knowledge. Good for him, but he said that what he thought might have been feelings for OW, are not he realised that he can not be with her, for what she has done, and how he views her now, He feels for her as the mother of his children, but not like I thought, He said I love you, and no one else, cause you can not love two women and truely be 100% to both, and I want to be 100% for you again, I will never be with another again.
He also suggested that he never have contact with OC again except childsupport if that will help me heal,as we try to repair our relationship again. But you know me, I just can not allow that to be done to those OC, they did nothing wrong and deserve him as much as me. But he said it was more to keep OW away from effecting me as well. But that is something I just have to learn to deal with, she will be apart of us for now on, but I can not let her control me any longer.
How do I start to let OW out of my thoughts, of everyday, and wanting to keep on what is happening with her, and wanting verification at the same time. My gut tells me that he was not with her, like I was scared would happen.. So I will follow my gut, it has never miss guided me.
On another sad note, My Karma hit me today, for the comment I made in regard to my puppies. I lost one to my pool this morning, it followed its daddy through the doggy door. So very sad to find something so darn innocent and cute like that lieing helpless. My fault as well, I was not supervising, and just let them out of there pin in the house, to stretch, and forgot about the doggy door.
As far as the H, lip service yet again. I want you to go back and look at your own posts for the past several months and observe the yo-yo effect that you have been experiencing. We only want what's best for you, and only you know what that is, but he would have to show me a hell of a lot of changes not just lip service. I knew he visited the OC, it made sense. Just take it slow and don't commit to anything.
As far as the OW goes, when she stops having control like your H is letting her have, she won't impact you so much. Right now your whole life is based on what she is or is not going to do. The sense of a weight off your shoulder that you felt when you put your foot down with your H, will be the same feeling you get when OW gets put in her place. While he may not have romantic feelings for her no more, he is still letting her control your lives. I told my h he needed to treat OW as either a non-entinity or someone from whom he was divorced, until he could treat her that way, he could not be with me. It took sometime, but he did change his way of thinking. And you will never have a whole marriage until he can fully change his way of thinking. Of course he put the "I go NC with the OC" on the table because he know you would never do that because of your kind heart. Sorry about the step-son too, you did everything that you could in raising him, that's all you can do.
No they aren't seeing each other again or anything, just aggravating the HELL out of me!!
STBXFWH did some stupid shit last night...as far as buying groceries and picking up a couple prescriptions..... UGH He's STUPID!!!!
and OW.. well that just speaks for its self!!!
Hang in there! We're with you!
I just have to ask, was stbXH stupid pre-A, or did OW's stupidity infect him? Or, when did you realize he was so stupid?
Honest to GOD he comes home with
1 pkg of 2 split chicken breasts (It cost $6 and it's not even close to being enough to feed us plus we ALWAYS eat thighs or legs and it takes approx 18 pcs to feed all of us)
A TEENY 3 lb bag of dog food that didn't even last a whole day
Astage 3 baby food (OC is on stage 1 and he feeds her.. he KNOWS this)
A frozen hunk of bake it yourself bread (WTF I've never baked a loaf in my life and we needed it for the next day I did NOT have time to set it out, make sure it rose and then bake the shit)
As for the cereal-He comes home with like 3 boxes of raisin bran.. HE KNOWS the kids don't eat that... They would have been fine with shredded wheat though...
He's like well you weren't specific and i didn't know so i just bought what i thought was best... OMG.. maybe it's because he didn't give me time to write out a list he's like well i'm leaving to go to the store and stood over me tapping his foot while i wrote out the list...
Ohh and here is a concept!!! He HAS a cell phone.. I HAVE a cell phone.... he has no issues calling me for stupid shit. but obviously can't figure out how to work it for important stuff.
As for the prescriptions. He couldn't find my prescription/insurance card... SOOOOOOO instead of declining the med or CALLING ME to get my insurance info from me to give to the pharmacy... HE PAYS out of POCKET for the med, which should have only been $5!!! Instead we're out over $40! I wouldn't have cared if it was HIS money.. but he used MY money to pay for the meds! The money that was supposed to go to the utility bill!
Seriously we've had the grocery talk before.. and i've always said IF IN DOUBT CALL ME!!!!!!
UGHH LOL I'm still fired up over it!
maybe it's because the balance of the utility bill is due tomorrow and I don't have it
Thank you all, I am now getting a D. Foun that he had sent OW flowers twice last week, and after a romantic dinner last night, he comes home I go and do my school work and he is texting songs that we heard on our way home. WTF.. Well when he left he went and moved in with OW, and she said it did not feel like he was truely there so asked him to leave, that is why the jerk came home..
Today I just discovered all this, so here is the kicker, FIL is sent to hospital for shotness in breath, and so I meet him at hospital and he is outside talking to her, and I asked to see and he said NO, I slapped him right then and there. He rushed home to grab his stuff, and said we just need time apart, I love you... I took the shirt OW got him from the OC on Valentines, (yeah right) she bought it. And I took it and burned it in front of him, not alot, but enough to ruin it. felt damn good to, and even the fricken slap did.
He asked me not to destroy any of his stuff untill he can come back for it. I said yeah just like I asked you not to destroy my heart.
I am sad. and don't know what to do next. Have no real job, and he says he will give me his checks, until everything is worked out.. I have an awesome house, and will not let them live here. But we are barely making ends meet each month. WHat to do...
I say sometimes you have to kiss ass with one lip. In other words do what you have to do to protect yourself and do what you need to keep him cooperative until that happens. I wish this had turned out differently, but I had this feeling. I knew his was with the OW, that is why there was no activity from her. Good for you standing up for yourself. we are here for you, remember that if you feel alone contact us. hugs