Just found out he never has ended it with her. Last month he gave her lots of money, and has been taking her to lunches, buying her starbucks every morning, and even screwed that up once with giving her my kind of drink. ROFLMAO on that one.
But you know now I might really be able to find happiness again, after 4 years of this crap. Hell just the other week, we were out and I got carded for alchol. LOL I just heard that he was not happy with living with her, because her other children are hell. And she wants him to dicipline them. Her house is to busy, she is a slob, and there is no quite time, and dinner is not ready when he gets home for him. Rot in your world you created, thats all I have to say. But also believe she does not want him now, cause I sent her everything he texted me while he was with her as well.
I am pissed for you! Here you are changing your life around, doing everything in your power to make these OC are part of your life, at the same time trying to deal with the constant reminder and pain EVERYDAY. And this asshole as the nerve to have never ended it!!
I am glad that you now know what you are dealing with. He didn't know what he had, but now he will because it will be gone. "he is not happy living with her", BOO FUCKING HOO FOR HIM! He wanted kids, now he has 4, no rest for the weery! Funny giving her your drink, keep you woman straight stupid!
As for you, you go girl! Let him have his baggage, you deserve happiness and with some time and taking care of you, you will get it. hugs
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 8:11 PM, October 8th (Thursday)]
where to start this may be lengthy but worth every dime.... I did well, not best day to have this happen.
See WH (wow typing that again is weird, cause the F never belonged there-ever) Dad was having shortness of breath so WH calls me to tell me that it might be his mom over reacting, but anyway, now he said he will call me later and let me know, so I call my boss about taking off, and of course no problem, so I had this weird feeling after finding all this other stuff out called OW on way to hospital, and found out he was texting her and sending song over his new phone, right after a romantic dinner we had in the mountains at a lodge, I was in catching up on missed school work, and had a few things to put out on the table about him not being talkitive at dinner, when I tried to bring conversation into the evening. So back to other things, I showed up at hospital WH is sitting out side on his cell, and I walk up and ask is it her, let me see, he jerked away, and I actually slapped him up side the face, and hard. . I go in and get my favorite SIL and she comes out we sit in my car, then he goes to get in his car, so SIL leaves, and I knew he was on his way to the house, so I follow, he was speading bad, but I got him cut off in front of the driveway, and walk in with him. WH then starts packing, I start grabbing and throwing them in the area he was, boy did he get pisst. LOL, So then he grabbed me, and I was scared, but ready to take his F-ass down. Small but MMA traing has come in handy, know what I mean, great stress reliever too. So he scrambles and starts pullin my clothes on the floor, and I just laughed. I have time to pick them up, and reorganize shit. SO he finally leaves after many choice words thrown. But he was we can work this out, I will take care of you. BLAH BLAH.
So a bit later here from SIL he is back at hospital, then I get a call that OW showed up. Now the fire goes in my brain, and I decided to drive down there, and called OW out. Told her that if she wants to see who is lieng I'm outside by his vehicle, come out and we do this face to face. OW and WH come out hand in hand, I stand outside my vehicle between another car, and piolitely asked him if he wanted to face that he had been with me for the last couple of nights, he looked me in the eye and said NO!!!! I have been in a hotel room, I looked him in the fucking eyes and said are you telling me that I am LIENG, Oh hell NO!!!! So I look at OW and told her enjoy him, you can have this sorry ass, if he will stand there and call me a lier to my face after this many years, you can have him. I then walked off in my car, and as am backing out, in my rear view mirror I see him kiss her. I texted him if he wants his stuff it is in the driveway.
Went home called the police, and made a complaint after what he did in the closet no chances. Called my brother to come over and started tossing shit. While talking with the officer, OW shows up at my house can we talk, told the officer, and she informed that she will come over and have her removed, but NO I wanted to hear her out, my brother was right there, along with a few other relatives, so OW said she new it then, by the way he acted in front of me, and how it was uncomfortable feeling for her that she was getting from him, and the eye contact him and I shared. And we stood out in the cold for over an hour and exchanged stories, MY F*&@ing. WOW!!! How pathetic I was, but it is great today, because the drama is gone, and I'm really ok. I think actually for awhile I was seperating myself anyway, because it was way to much, all the time.
So now get this, I have the last handful in my hands, I walk out and there he is in his pile. Oh he was livid, and he said I went to far now, throwing his stuff in a pile like that. I said who went to far, I have fought for over 3 1/2 years and I went to far. Oh then I was this and that, and It is all my fault. Then he goes off on that he is taking my car, and he now is not gona give me any money to pay bills. Well lets say things turned around before he left, and he want to talk, and have some time apart.
Great evening I must admit, haven't been through something like that before, and it is kind of excilerating now, with the tense stuff. Maybe I am an indrelline drugy. LOL... There are a few areas that if you want to follow me you might have to start PM me, cause WH does have an account.
I'm actually okay tonight so no worries anyone, and thank you for all of your support, now maybe I can help others with OC, and not be so focused on my own. Sorry for that, but it felt like daily drama for so long. Now I just want to find happiness again. 24 years with the same person, and we just celebrated that, and were planning on renewing our vows on the 25th. Just WOW...
Now that was after I just got the pinky swear, and we are starting a new beginning, the past is our past and we can not change, that we both agreed that we accepted what happened, and are now planning our futer..
Was not the kind of new beginning or future I was pinky swearing too, but hell I guess it is true now....
Loved every moment of my strength, and courage... Boy now I get what they say that A makes BS stronger, and in every way. Once you reach the end of your journey, no matter what it is you are stronger, and wiser..
Good for you! Doesn't it feel good to take the power back! Yeah he changed his tune before he left because now you have a police rpeort against him and he doesn't want to have to pay you in the D. While it was a crazy scene, it needed to happen, you now have a clear picture, the fog has lifted in your life, maybe even for the OW too although her stupid ass will probably try to keep him. But not your problem anymore.
I am proud of you girl!
Not happening, well got to go locks being changed.
Needless to say they have yet to get it straight. On two different occasions they have set up testing for him in our old state. He has had to contact his lawyer to straighten it out. His lawyer called to take care of it on the two different occasions and the last time sent a letter.
My husband has stayed on top of this (albeit with my nudging). The last thing his lawyer said is that they are "restructuring" on that end. They've lost the paperwork and they have to resubmit everything.
Lawyer had court postponed once already, but went in at the beginning of this month to explain everything and have court postponed once again.
So I was reading "her" (I refuse to call her woman in any form)facebook page the day after. (It's a vice I haven't been able to let go of---I know!!) And she posts that her daughter's dad (rolling my eyes) did not take the paternity test that he requested and proceeds to call him an ass.
Probably sounds minor but it just twists it enough that it is so untrue. I just want to contact her and lay into her. I know it's unproductive and that's why I'm putting it here. I seriously dislike her.
But I did tell him I have a date in 2 weeks, he asked why 2 weeks, I said because they understand, I need a little time, and is willing to give that to me. I did not tell him it was with girls. LOL. I also told him that I am getting on with my life, I am not waiting for him. He was lovey all day, even my SIL told me they thought it was weird, how he hung on to me all day, bought me lunch, a drink, went out to have smokes with me, I was letting him have someone to lean on, in the time of need. But I new what it was, and what I was there for, but I think he is thrown because of how it all played out, but you know I am as well. It was all kinda odd. But sometimes weird things happen in the middle of a crisis. Maybe the OW did this as a favor for me. LOL. Maybe her game plan, is for WH to think of it as she being the gracious person, who stepped aside so that I could go and feel a little more comfortable. But I did today 2 her, is exactly what she has done to me for 3 years, and it was a sweet revenge. Because he is thinking of the bond we shared in the middle of a crisis in the time of his need, like she did when the A started. I got to be the OW, on OW, with my WH. LOL... I did not sleep with him though. LMAO..
Still have not slept in 3 days though, Nights are the tuffest..
Go dark, hon. Try not to see or talk to him at all. It's already proven that OW cannot and will not meet his emotional needs. He must realize this NOW.
But my priorities are first from now on, and right now I want to be left alone, away from him anyway.
I did do something that felt good, for the moment, and stopped everything after I realized what I was doing, but darn it felt so powerful for that brief moment. I know that I should not have done this particular thing, but I was very weak.. And then really cut all ties with WH, it was a moment of weakness, and a stress reliever. I played the OW with my WH for one night, and an afternoon. I did to her what she has done to me for over 3 years, and it was liberating, to say the least, but I will not play the part of her in this relationship. But WH showed up at my hotel room, after leaving her with some kind of excuse. After words I was giving WH pointers that he might want to do this, and this so she will not realize. LMAO, I have all the angles covered on what to notice, seriously I did not give away all my secrets. And yes this was very stupid on my part, but I was weak in that moment. SO now I told him that I do not want to talk or see him, he can contact me through email. I just get so weak when he is front of me, he still feels so comfortable, when hugging. This has alot to do with the history we have shared I am sure. That is all I have ever known. However, now I am getting so much stronger, and my terms and demands must be met, and foremost my happiness. ME FIRST!!! first time in my life.
Will keep you all posted on what transpires next in my "Lifetime story" Would make a great movie..
Oh I watched that Dr. Phil show with the OW on it. Oh how I wanted to reach throught that TV and just let them have a piece of my mind.
You say you don't want to see him again till your "old" husband is back.
Specifically, what are those requirements?
ITA that until he consistantly meets the requirements that you lay out, your ONLY recourse in order to protect yourself from him is minimal contact.
Stay strong. Praying for you.
Dreamer remember his baggage is his baggage, do your best to do what is right for you. And it is going to take a while to see that old husband back if ever so stay strong.
Altered, I have a feeling that he took you letting him go to the hospital as a sign of its okay for contact. I don't like when my H sends me a text that I think it for me and I see it went to other people, especially OW. Reality has not hit him yet, but it will. Stay strong I know the waiting is hard.
Well, I am now apart of a family I never thought I would be.
I have been with my H for seven years. We have been married for three. We have no children.
Like many of you, I thought our marriage was strong, happy, magical.
Unfortunately, my H wasn't and I didn't know it. This past May/June he kind of freaks out and says that he needs time on his own (we had been talking about kids and not preventing). I let him go, thinking he just needed his space and would realize what we had. He stayed with his sister and we were still in regular contact. He even stayed out our house three or four nights a week. Eventually, he agreed to MC. We have been going to MC for just about two months. About a month ago, my H came back home.
Turns out, throughout all this, he had been talking to a co-worker. I knew about the co-worker and that they were friendly. Although this bothered me, I had complete trust and faith in my and my H relationship. This friendship became more frequent, meaning calls and texts. I told my H I was uncomfortable and asked him to stop. He said he would. Turns out he didn't. When we first started MC, I asked him if they were still talking. I have always known that she had feelings for him and would take any opportunity to win him over even if he is married. Of course, he didn't believe me. He said yes they were still in contact and I told him it had to stop now. He agreed and did stop.
Our MC sessions were pretty intense. We discovered that we are both at fault for the turn that our marriage took. We both stopped communicating to each other. My H realized that he was doing things for me to protect me and to make me happy even though it didn't make him happy. I never knew. How could I when he didn't tell me?! And I realized that I didn't show my appreciation of him enough.
Anyway, after one session, my H became very distraught. Something in the session really hit him hard and sent him in a downward spiral. He went to work that night and she saw him. She noticed that he was upset and offered to take him to drinks. They went, got drunk, and it resulted in a one-night stand.
My H told me September 25. My H was so distraught, that even after he was with her, he threw up, and left without another word to her. He assured me it was over and that he has never been more sorry in his life. I truly believe him. Although he did this horrible thing, I know it wasn't about the sex. It was about the carefreenes that she gave him. He was getting something emotional that I wasn't giving to him. Anyway, we went to see our MC that same day and decided we wanted our marriage. We wanted to work things out. The following two weeks were difficult, but it seemed I had my H back. He was more at ease, loving, and attentive with me. He told me that he realized what we had. He had just lost sight of that due to the changes in our relationship (we had been talking about babies before the May/June seperation). But during those two weeks, we both felt we were back on track. Not perfect, but we had a game plan. Our MC even had us going to sessions every other week!
Then October 9th rolled around. The OW emailed my H that she was pregnant. Their condom had broke. She had been racking her brain to find a way to "get rid of it" knowing how my H would feel, but can't seem to bring herself to do it (but it's okay to sleep with a married man!?). She has even said that she doesn't even want the child!! I think she is playing a game with my H.
So now, my H and I are back at square one. No, we are farther back than that. He has been talking to her (with my okay) to discuss options, but she just will not have it! She quit her job and says she'll find a way to provide for it. She said that my H doesn't have to be involved at all (which she knows is not in my H character). She won't even listen to my H and what he wants for his own child. At this point, she didn't know that we were working things out and back together. My H told her yesterday. Perhaps this will change things now that he told her flat out that she will NEVER have him and that she was a bad choice and that he loves me and will not leave me.
I have decided to stay and work on things with my H. Having those two weeks helped me realize what we have and where we can go from here. But now a baby? She is having the one thing I have wanted with my H since our marriage. My H knows this and it hurts him even more. He is still trying to help her see the ramifications of keeping the baby (she is only 25 without a job, no place to live,it is unwanted, single etc). He is even going to talk with her about us having sole custody with a possible semi-open adoption (which I am more and more wanting). I am still waiting to see if she is truly pregnant, which my H will hopefully get the next time he sees her.
The only thing is, my H is having difficulty seeing that I am in this for the long haul. He feels that he dosen't deserve me and knowing that I love him, that I am willing to stick by him makes this harder for him. He doesn't really see us making it through this if she doesn't give it up or lets us adopt it. He doesn't want the child to be a constant reminder for both of us. At this point thougth, I really want the OW to realize that this is not ONLY about her. If she is really pregnat, then we need to focus on what is best for the child. About providing the best life (if she does have it) it can posibly have. I believe that would be with my H and me. We can give it everything it needs and wants and more. But she may not see it that way. Or she may want it to keep him around. Who knows!!
He has been really great about not blaming me, letting me get my feelings out, and has really been available to me for my ups and downs and questions. I just don't know how to help him through his misery. Plus, he keeps thinking about the future, and we don't even know what is happening tomorrow. I did show him this site, and I hope he joins and gets help. He may also get individual counceling too. But seeing him upset and doubtful, makes me doubtful. Don't get me wrong, I have ups and downs too. Some days I don't know why I am sticking around. All I know is that I love my H and that our relationship is worth trying to save. I guess I am just hoping someone has been in this boat and can help me out.
Am I doing the right thing? Do other couples make it through an A with an OC? Our MC has a family friend who has. Can we?
This forum has helped me so much already. I thank all of you in advance. I am sorry this is so long. It has just been a difficult four weeks.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
Sorry you are here....yes, marriage can survive OC. As long as fWH goes NC w/OW & no repeat cake-eating. Our M almost didn't make it through & we are still struggling after A#3 w/OW (after supposedly no sex for 7+ years w/OW & OW getting married/starting family w/BH#2). But, we have odd issues in that fWH/OW planned her pregnancy & worked on baby-making during 2 affairs until they succeeded during EA/PA#2.
Things were better this weekend, he has relocated OW to Z in his contacts so he will not accidentally send her texts anymore. I am not sure that I believe that was an accident, FWH seemed shocked enough when I brought it up, but it doesn't really matter, I can only tell him how I feel about things, I cannot control his behavior. If R is important enough to him, he will keep working on it.
I am working on me now, I put positive affirmations all over the house, to remind me to love myself, take care of myself. I am starting flylady.com, to help with the chaotic state of my house, trying to control the things I can, me and my surroundings. I purged my closet of clothes that I cannot wear and did not like. I have weight issues along with self esteem (A did not help that at all) and am letting go of negative inner conversations. Our situations are bad enough to deal with even without the inner dialog that plays on repeat IMHO. My mind is my own worse enemy. I have to let things go, control only what I can,me.
Everything seems like it is so much more complicated with OC, we were even talking about the change to family Christmas portraits (a tradition in my family) yeesh! Hang in there, remember, you have class, OW does not and never will!
How is everyone doing today???
I haven't been sleeping worth a shit the past 10 days or so which is affecting everything else in my life. My health, my patience, my mood etc...
BLAH. I'm already taking melatonin and Clonidine for sleep and it's just not helping all of a sudden and I can't get back in to see the psych. until next month.. BLAH
I am filing for separation from my H. I love him and our family of 3 so much, but I have to protect my daughter and myself financially.
I am so heartbroken. We have been together 8 years, and have always counted down the days until all of his 3 girls from the previous marriage were 18 (now 21 by new law) so that CS was over (XW works under the table, so claims that she has no income, and he pays out the bum! She actually has a legitimate job now, so we hope to out her soon!). Well, 2 of my 3 SDs are over 18. The youngest is 16. Alost done... but now we have OC. OW just got child support raised, she is claiming child care for OC, which we know for a fact is fraudulent. OW works nights so the my stepdaughters can watch OC- for free. We can't prove it, as stepDs will never speak out against OW in fear they won't get to see OC (the only reason I know that they babysit for free is emails I shouldn't be privvy to). So her CS doubled. They now take 50% of H's check (I am laid off & on unemployment). |After CS and taxes, he is left with a little under $350 every two weeks. He cannot even afford the insurance he has been ordered to pay.
What makes me so angry is OW makes $100 or so a month more than DH (he is an apprentice, our economy is one of the worst in the nation) & she is a CNA. Plus she gets around $500 a month in support, putting her around $2500 a month to raise her daughter (she lives with her parents and her only bills are a ridiculous car payment for a new suburban and cell phone- that is it!!) while we are left with a little over $1000 a month combined to raise our daughter. We of course live on our own, and have the bare necessities. Looking into getting rid of the $40 net bill, which will be horrible, as we recently moved to a town where we know no one (the only job H could find).
It would save us money for him to quit his job and stay home with our daughter instead of paying daycare when I go back to work, but no, can't do that. CS would go into arrears and he would instantly lose his driver's license.
So, since they are taking 50% of his check, and are unable to take any more, I am filing for separation and filing for CS (they will be forced to recalculate the CS currently going to OW, and since I make so much less on unemployment than she does, and I will have to pay for daycare, I should get just as much as her, if the system is at all just). My prospects aren't great, I have no education beyond high school, and my only work experience is in a job market that is pretty much obsolete in this economy. I may end up sucking it up and going back to school (which is what I would prefer anyways).
My heart is breaking. I cannot promise my husband I am not leaving. My daughter has the best father I could hope for. I have a mate who has been a stellar example of everything one should be AFTER AN AFFAIR. Remorseful. Went to counseling. Willing to relocate, do whatever it takes to make us work. I love him so much, I just can't believe this is my life again. All over again. We were two years away from having no CS at all. Paying his exW wasn't an issue (aside form her constant lying to have the amount upped, and trying to have my income figured in, which isn't legal in this state)- she was his x. They were once married, so please don't think I am complaining about that, I knew it was his obligation when I met him, but still, CS was almost over. And now we are starting all over again.
So, I guess, any advice for filing? I will most likely do it Friday. Should we file together, or should I do it and have him served?
Any help, words of encouragement/wisdom are so appreciated. I can't even call my family and talk to them, they don't know about OC. I am far too ashamed to tell them. I feel so alone.
[This message edited by Want2help at 3:07 PM, October 22nd (Thursday)]