Don't believe a dang thing that comes from their mouths!
We just need to get ourselves to a lawyer and hammer our plan out. My H knows we need to, but is hesitant....why? I guess it would all be too real for him I guess. Maybe I should get one for myself just in case? Thoughts?
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
I am having such a bad day! I can't get my head on straight!
My H is pretty positive that the fucking OW is pregnant and that it is his. I am not ready to believe it until I see proof from a doctor. Now my in-laws are wanting a relationship with it, even though they don't approve of any of this! Of course they do, I get this, but it was such a slap in the face! They all (brothers, sister, mom, dad) all called, dropped by, and fed me when my dumb ass H left me. Since this has all come out, nothing. I have been dropped even though HE is the one who fucked up royally! I feel so alone.
How do you guys do it? How do you get past the hurt to be slightly okay about the OC? I think I would feel differently if we had kids of our own, but we don't. The first child of my H isn't mine AND it will be the FIRST grandson for all. SHITTY!! I get the picture of H with the baby, and it makes my want to cry and be sick. I love my H, so much. And there are days where I think I can do this, even with an OC....but today...I don't think I am strong enough. I don't know that I can. It hurts so damn much. I am sufficating....My H is too. We both wish this would just all go away. That we could run away....that this was a horrible nightmare.
Nope....we're just living in HIS nightmare.
How do you guys do it? How?
You have stated that he has done the things that you have asked since you found out, but not immediately protecting you both is a bit telling. I have been here now for over 2 years and I have seen some members live their lives based on what OW/OC is going to do, wants, etc. This is not way to live and quite frankly may cause anxiety and everything else. You must come up with a plan not only to handle this but to deal with your relationship, make it something to work on everyday. Small steps, but the attorney as far as your h is concerned, that is a big step that should be taken immediately.
It was hard hearing the OC call my h daddy. I used to go up to my kids room and cry everytime they came over for visitation, but after a while I accepted things for what they were and I decided that OW was not going to control the way I lived. Now there is a way to do that postively and not negatively, which I might add I did for a while.
I am sorry about your h's family. I am sure that they can't begin to understand how you feel. And sometimes if they can't understand it, they want to remove themselves from it, hence not coming over. The only good thing I can say about it is at least they are letting you know how they feel about it ahead of time. A couple of members here had their H's family having contact with the OW/OC behind their backs and without their consent.
How is the counseling doing? Are you doing IC as well? Sometimes we have different issues that need to be addressed separate from our spouse. Once you know what you are dealing with you will be able to handle it a little better. Will you stop feeling like everything you have know has changed, no, but when you can see clearer, it does gradually make a difference. Time really does help.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 8:20 AM, October 26th (Monday)]
His MOW gave birth 2 his twins. She and her H are raising them, but my WH feels like he wants to be a part only because of the responsibility. Idiot.
Let me tell you - it weighed on me everyday. They still work together, so I have no idea what they are talking about. When he left, I was devastated, but even though I am in so much pain and honestly would take him back because I love him, the intense pain of dealing with 2 OC and possible CS later is gone.
In Virginia like Arizona, the person who files first gets more money. That includes CS. I haven't filed yet because honestly, we still have a joint account, he makes more than me, and I am trying to keep my head above water for as long as I can. I told my two boys to buy their shoes NOW and lets go to Costco and stock up NOW while there is some money. That can change very soon I am afraid.
If I filed now, my kids CS and my alimony (and in VA, even though he makes TWICE as much as me, I am not entitled to any) would be taken off his gross amount. Is she filed after me, then her CS would take into account the amount of money he has AFTER he has paid CS to me. So I would get more money. It is a crap shoot, and legally her H is their dad because he is on the BC so I know I have some time because it my lawyer says it would take months for the court to hear their case.
My WH has his head so far up his ass he doesn't know what to do. He has thrown away a family that he HAS for a family that already exists and he doesn't belong in. I just don't get it at all.
It is sooooo hard and sooooo lonely, especially with the holidays coming up. My kids and I want him to come home, but only when he is healthy and can let those OC be where they are, which is best for them.
It is a road I would rather not take, but one I have to. I suggest you pull up your states CS calculator - I think every state has one. This is what the judges use to calculate CS based on his income and hers -- CS is not attached to your income. I know, it doesn't make it easier because it is both of your money. But at least it will give you an idea of what you would be facing.
VA also states the custodial parent is repsonsible for the firstr $250 of medical bills, then the percentage in CS comes into play regarding the percentage his is on the hook for out of pocket medical. And he would probably pay for insurance. One of the posters is right - once she files for insurance, the state automatically files for CS. There is nothing you can do.
Sending you hugs. PM me if you want. I just don't think I could handle TWO OC if he was involved in their lives. Too much money that should be for my family going to someone else because he couldn't use protection.
About the CS, it had been a "verbal" agreement until last year when fWH started the paperwork. We are fortunate in that OW had been lying about her income & she actually made more $$$ than fWH before she got fired. She owed him & he wrote it out-of-papers by making her "pay for all extracurriculars & clothing"...like that was ever gonna happen. In our state, both fWH's sons w/me & OW's daughter w/BH#2 count as in-house child credit & impacted the calculations.
Years ago though, TN had the % rule. Whoever filed first got 22%, then decreasing percentages for each child up to max (think it was 50%). So, if you had ump-teen children, the last few would probably get zilch. And, heaven help you, if you & your wife had in-house children & you were the only breadwinner. It think it works best for all kids now, even though some have to go on welfare/food stamps/WIC/TennCare after the father's CS is paid.
CS was always a sore point for us.
Now, fWH is on disability, he gets extra $$$ for OC. OW can counter file & it'll have to be settled in court...if she pushed it. That would really make me angry, if OW got disability payment for OC...when we have her 50% of time & fWH has been disabled (paraplegic) but working until March09. I just never understood how someone NOT ever married, could draw disability on you for her kid anyway. They had to notify OW in writing that OC had been filed on & she had option of counterfiling for the $266/month.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:54 AM, October 26th (Monday)]
I try hard not to think too much about things. Just do what needs done when OC is here (which all the time LOL). We know OC is better off with us as much as possible. So that makes it easier. If OW was a really good mom.. I don't know how I'd feel. FWH also intended to be involved but did NOTHING without my consent. If i had not wanted him involved he would not have been!
One thing i had to do was be very very direct and honest about my feelings AT ALL TIMES! I think that helped a ton. There were a lot of times in the beginning that I would say things like "Do whatever you feel is best" and stuff like that.. when inside I'd really be haoping he'd choose to go a certain direction. Our communication got A LOT better when I started telling him what I wished he'd do instead of being passive aggressive and then getting mad when he wouldn't make the "right" choice. Hopefully that makes sense. I guess in my own way, by being passive aggressive i was testing him.... and it just led to more arguements and more hurt feelings. Once I started to say "I'd really prefer you did A,B,C" things went a lot smoother.
As for the IL's (in laws). I told him other about the A. and OC when OW was about 4 months along or so. We waited until the paternity test results were back to tell his sisters about OC although they were made aware of the Affair. His mother wants a relationship with OC and we suppor that. OW asked for my MIL's contact info. once and i told her to rot in hell LOL. MIL said thank GOD you didn't give that woman my info!! So MIL has been on my side. When she comes to town to visit, we always make sure OC is here to see her as well. She seems a little disconnected from her though. We send pics of OC at the same time we send her pics of the boys (COM-childrne of marriage). So far so good. My boys see OC as their sister (there are no half siblings in this house) so them seeing MIL with the baby is the norm for them.
We have OC more than OW, and OW makes a little bit more than FWH. SO OW will not be going for CS i don't think, although she threatens it regularly, BUT if she did, she'd be in for a rude awakening as she'd probably owe us!! LOL
As for visitation, There is nothing set in stone... YET (we're moving that direction though). We have OC while OW works plus most of the other times as well. OW has OC on Sundays and 3 mornings a week for a couple hours. FWh and I used to split OC's care half and half like we did with the COM but when we seperated I made him take over ALL her care when he's home.
It's what works for us right now. What really matters in the long run is that your husband do what YOU are comfortable with!!
You guys need to get moving though with a lawyer if you want the prenatal paternity testing.
There is amnio and CVS testing the CVS test is the easiest but it needs done fairly soon into the pregnancy AND she has to be open to having the CVS test done to check for birth defects.
The amnio has a chance of miscarriage, so unless she's having an amnio anyway judges don't order the Mom's to undergo an amnio JUST for a DNA test.
There is a 3rd option on the market, however it's $1,000!!!!
You get cheek swabs done of your husband and the OW gives a blood sample. There is fetel cells present in the mothers blood during pregnancy. This is probably the best option in your guys' circumstances so that you can either plan or move on... and fine out one way or the other for sure.
Here is a link about it..
Our MC evens says we need to see a lawyer, simply to protect my H. I think he is dragging a bit because then this is all real. I don't know. We have MC tomorrow and I am sure either MC or I will bring it up.
Things have been up and down, thank you for all your support and advice.
I got everyone's advice on calling a lawyer for a free consultation, and I did. I brought up the prospect of us filing together, or if I should have H served, and the idea of perhaps we could settle CS amount without using the CS calculator set by the state (H and his exwife did this originally when they divorced, albeit that was 12 years ago). [If you read my previous posts, they are taking exactly 50% of H's wages. Very little is going to his DD from his previous marriage, due to OW claiming fraudulent child care costs. None goes to our DD. He is left with $600-700 a month- less then the states required "self support reserve".]
He asked me if we were actually separating or just doing it on paper. I told him I wasn't sure yet, but for now just doing it on paper. He informed me I would be perjuring myself in court and that he would not take my case.
I don't plan on applying for any assistance. Isn't it my right to no longer desire to be married to my H? I guess I am not understanding.
I was attacked. The people there (NOT LAWYERS) posted on the thread (mostly to each other and aimed at me) that I was "trying to protect" my H from "his baby mamas" and actually "cared nothing for my own child I was claiming to want to protect financially" .
So now I am sitting at home, bawling my eyes out at how cruel a bunch of strangers can be... is there anyone on here that has any advice on how to do this?
And they don't get that they don't get it.
I told him I wasn't sure yet, but for now just doing it on paper
Talk to another lawyer and if they ask that question again, a simple, "I'm not yet sure" and NOTHING else should suffice.
Only EVER answer with the bare minimum when dealing with lawyers.
I am so happy for you! I am glad that you told your H exactly what you felt! That gives me hope!
I hope that when I figure out what I want and how I feel, I'll be able to tell my H. My H still really doesn't know what he wants either. Some days are good, some bad....I'm just trying to figure myself out.
I am glad that you are doing well and that you are proud of yourself! I am proud of you too!!
My P with COM was super stress free, except she was late and C section, but no complications, even bounced back from C section quickly.
I am just trying to stay out of the triangle . I at first got angry that OW was snippy to FWH, but then decided FWH is a grown man, how he wants to be treated is his business. As long as they don't kiss and make up that is!
It's weird though, did anyone else do the math on the due date? I was constantly calculating conception dates for about the 1st month, then got out of it, now I am back doing it again. FWH "thinks" that they had sex 3/21, at least that is the date him and OW came up with and phone records support this, but her due date is 12/25, which from what I can come up with, would put the conception date as 4/4. FWH and OW had sex twice, once with condom, once without, so FWH could have still caught the fertile time. I guess I am just obsessing, if it is God's will that this OC is FWH's then it will be. I can only pray for the grace to handle it if I want to stay in R. It feels like this OC is never getting here, the suspense is killing me . But, I guess when Dec gets here, I will be wishing time would slow down.
FWH has really been great, he is doing MC, listens to my feelings, agrees that we are a united front, and while he is trying to keep OW happy enough to stay out of court ordered visitation, he will stand up for us and take her to court if she is unreasonable (which I think she will be). I am working on myself,esteem, past pain etc. We still have ups and downs and things will most likely get worse before it gets better, but we are more connected than we have been in years.
Thank you! Hang in there!
BTW, is this her first child? In the last trimester there's not as much room and the little buggers begin sleeping a lot.
Ug. VD (OW) did the SAME things! She'd even call ME to ask me baby questions...um..she had 6 (SIX!) kids and I only birthed 3...not a math genius, that one.
We have some plans concerning OC. H is getting DNA, child support court ordered, no overnight visits until OC is 3 or so, we are making a will to protect COM and me. NC except for OC related. The first visits may be done at OW home, but future visits will be a neutral location. I will at hospital at OC birth (not on same floor I hope, lobby is fine with me), present for visitations. I am with FWH in all things, I also requested the OC pics, texts be forwarded to me also. This will be my stepson after all. I emphasized that FWH, OC, COM and I are a family, OW and her children are a completely separate family. FWH remarked about them raising a child together, I corrected him and said she is raising OC and we are raising OC, there is no together. I am very adamant about boundaries. I bought FWH "Not Just Friends" and he promised to read it. MC says not to project too far into the future, but I am a planner, so I can't help but make sure FWH and I are on the same page.
Could someone please, please pm me to let me know what to expect? I have posted in D&S forum, to no avail. I just need some support, I guess. I am beside myself.
This is her 3rd child. She had a miscarriage in Dec or Jan. She ought to know that babies slow down the closer to birth, I don't know what her problem is! To me, if you were worried about your baby, quit doing stupid shit to endanger it. I kid you not, this OW has moved furniture (falling in the process), drove a tractor, put up sheetrock, done yard work all while she is supposed to be on bedrest! Her Dr said that she, the OC or both could die in this P. She may be freaking out because she is newly D and afraid to do this on her own, but I also think she has a definite damsel in distress thing and is trying to get FWH attention. I trust her not one bit!!!
You are quite right not to trust her.
VD even went so far as to go out and get stinking drunk one night and claim someone raped her in order to try to win my husband back.
And NO visits alone at her house - really. That's how you end up with an OC#2...trust. That's how I got my OCDS. I know of another person that got another OC the same way.