don't hire a lawyer, hire a cheaper, sleazy private investigator to take photos of her pregnancy, or find proof otherwise.
I wish I'd hired a P.I. when I had it on-my-mind during A#3.
I always resented it when OW got to go out-of-town with her boyfriend (now BH#2) and here I sat (never getting a date)...having all 3 kids while fWH worked graveyard shift...AND, he got to go out drinking some nights w/the boys b4 he picked up OC (as he didn't need to go onshift until 11pm, he could stop @steakhouse, have a steak & some peanuts & beer...even once, his best friend drove him to pick up OC to drop-off w/me, because he'd drank too much). It would make me so angry when I had to care for OC & OW was living the high-life (dates, races, out-of-town weekends, dinners, free time to clean - yea, fWH even brought up how "clean" her apartment was after she/bf/OC moved in together @new place). Yea, I guess our place would be clean too, if I had 4-days w/out any responsibilities except working & housekeeping.
OH, by-the-way, since fWH is now SAHD, he had been doing most the housework. He's said numerous times "I just cleaned that yesterday! How on earth did the kids & cats get it dirty again? I just washed dark clothes yesterday, how do I have another load today?" Hmmmm....he expected me before to do housework, work full-time 40-hour job, manage our finances, do grocery shopping, have time to bang him (feed his ego), wait on him hand&foot after he worked all night & keep the kids homework done. Now he's slacking a bit...he washes the clothes & puts them in plastic bags for me to fold/put away & he's quit loading the dishes....hmmmm, that was one of his biggest pet-peeves about me. I left the laundry in baskets on 1/2 our sectional sofa until I "felt" like folding & that I was too lazy to load the dishwasher. SHOE is on OTHER foot baby. How does it feel now? It's not fun to do housework, is it? Until his layoff, he didn't even know how to operate our dishwasher, washing machine, microwave, or mini convection oven. Since he became a paraplegic, I've even been doing yardwork (so as to keep ILs away from our home @all hours of day/night).
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 1:38 PM, November 6th (Friday)]
I allowed my H to go to a doctors appoinent with the OW to get proof of pregnancy. I am just beside myself with anxiety. I can't focus on anything. I am being tormented.
I don't know if I can do this. I don't know how i feel, what I think, I'm jus numb. This was not suppose to be our life. Anyone's life really.
Haven't heard anything yet....I know we still need a paternity test, but I don't know if I can endure the wait. This fucking sucks.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
WH constantly states that he raised the kids, he wouldn't do a lot of the stuff that I do. He constantly tells me not to let the kids go out so I wouldn't have to drive them. They are teens and need to start making their way in the world, not be locked up. My daughter told me that if she ever had to live with him, she would sneak out.
They are not bad kids, but they can't be expected to stay home so I have less to do. The kids know his feelings about various things and refuse to live with him. He wouldn't last a day anyway.
My son has ADHD and my youngest at 3 was just diagnosed with developmental delay. That means more meetings and a change to her schedule as she is now in preschool for speech therapy. WH told me once that he thinks the OC has ADHD also. I don't need to deal with that. My son has come along tremendously due to my involvement and I don't need to take on another.
WH feels that I am putting him down when I mention certain things to him. I told him that I was mad yesterday just thinking about the fact that he moved to another state and didn't think of all the responsibility he left me. It's the truth! Sure, he can't take it back. But at least acknowledge it when you see me going crazy with all that I have to do. On top of that, I have been dealing with a nasty herpes outbreak, thanks to his skanky OW.
It's fucking true.
Now what? I am so lost and confused. I really didn't think this was real. I really thought that she was being manipulative.....fuck.
She won't listen to anyone, she just wants this baby to get my H. He wants (so he tells me) nothing to do with her.....he wants this all to go away. So do I.
I am so lost....
What is the 1000 blood test one?
take one day @a time. fWH must go NC immediately. Tell her to only contact once in labor or after baby born. Don't worry about DNA until after birth. Mend your M first, then take on OC issues. After some point when he told me of her pregnancy, fWH went NC, because OW was always wanting to argue about him not visiting her. Even her mother called telling him "she's losing weight, you need to go see her, it's your fault...blah.blah.blah!" Seek IC. She was my lifeline the last month before OC's birth. Holidays were & are extremely difficult for me concerning OC. It was really hard on OC's first Christmas, to see MIL carrying around OC...telling her how pretty she was, kissing on her....she never did that for DS9. I don't think anybody except me & DS13, wanted DS9. I think fWH gave me DS9, so I wouldn't leave him after A#1 w/OW. He left me alone @hospital on DS9's b-day, to go home & clean up my mess I'd made moving furniture the night b4 C-section. I really think, he & OW were already in EA/PA#2, and he went to tell her of DS9's birth & start working on OC's conception. That's just a theory.
At least, your husband's OC wasn't planned (like fWH's daughter was) & he doesn't seem to be thrilled about the prospect of having to pay CS & being attached to OW for next 18+ years.
It was hard to see the DNA come back positive (I almost collapsed & fWH was hugging me, apologizing, saying he wished she was mine instead). He's dyslexic & I had to actually READ the whole thing to him. Seeing his name on her birth certificate as father & OC's named as our last name was difficult too. He is forever tied to OW via birth records...like she's someone special. I WAS SUPPOSED to be the only one with kids by him! I had my tubes tied...thinking that would be his only kids (COMs)....WISH I would have made him do vasectomy instead! How much heartache would that have prevented!!! If they were trying already though, he'd never have agreed to it. I knew OC was fWH's even before DNA...she looked too much like DS9's newborn photos, to not be fWH's child.
P.S. both our boys are ADHD, if I hadn't mentioned it before. fWH was good w/kids when they were babies, but lost interest in doing-it-all once he started working 70+ hours @work. Last year, after the fiasco w/OW & A#3, fWH has finally started acting like a "real" dad again & husband. Yes, on OW's d-day w/BH#2 & fWH's day he broke up w/her, fWH refused to go to P/T conf. about DS9...because he needed to personally break-up w/OW @motel. WHAT a great dad he was...to put OW before DS9's education!!!! Selfish POS! I'm glad he's not like that now!!! Here I was, thinking he was POS for going 4-wheeling when I needed him @P/T conf....and he was hugging & consoling OW for 2 hours, giving her a final kiss.
Oh, OC's teacher pulled me into hallway & asked about if OC had mentioned all the teasing & such in her class of other girls....she said it was becoming a real issue & OC was trying to stay out-of-it. The teacher was DS9's teacher last year...so, it felt really awkward that she was asking me stuff about what OC had said @home...like she's mine. She know's OC isn't mine, but I'm not really even sure that OW has even met the teacher. Wasn't it weird last year though, that OC's teacher went-2-school w/OW...wonder how that conversation went? As, the teacher knew DS9 was COM and is older than OC8. How do you tell an old classmate that you were in-love w/married man, banging him, & planned an OC w/him...only to have him stay w/his wife?
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 1:16 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)]
We were cleaning the closet in the kid's room. Found some old porn magazines in boxes (the kids' closet was a deathtrap of old magazines & such from when we moved in 14-years ago)...anyway, the kids have been unable to use their closet due to our old boxes of junk collecting dust. Well, one of the old magazines was called "Soul Mate." He said, "guess I don't need that magazine....I've already found my SoulMate." Hmmm. I've never believed in soulmates, but it was kinda nice of him to say out-of-the-blue like that. I mean, I believe that people are compatible, but not that our souls are "meant" for each other. In the 20 years we've been together, he's never said things like that before.
I get so caught up sometimes in my stressing about OW/OC issues, I'm missing the big picture about how fWH is trying to change.
Oh, btw....silly OC left her homework folder @our house & I had to call OW yesterday! Yuck & double-yuck! I so hate having to be polite to OW. Really sucks that her dad in Hawaii cut off her cell phone (which he'd given her to call/text/send photos of grandkids on). Now, OW cannot receive texts & she shares a cell w/BH#2 (he usually has it). She only has basically a home phone. All the "thank you Repeatbs326, OC will be expecting DS9 to bring her homework folder to her @school Tues." Does it suck lemons for anyone else, to try & behave like OW isn't your sworn mortal enemy for consciously TRYING to break-up your marriage over & over again????? Like OW is just his ex-wife or something (which we know isn't true)...and that it's perfectly normal that you do the dropoffs/pickups for OC...so fWH remains NC w/her???
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:49 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)]
I went to pick them up for visitation, most of the time one of my older kids was with me, sometimes H came. I would get sick to my stomach as soon as I came around the corner from her house. I was civil when I was in front of her and a couple of times she has the nerve to hug me! I wanted to take a bath right then and there!
I had to do this from April to October when CPS finally removed the kids from her and she didn't see if coming and I didn't act like I did it. But in order to get them out of that hell hole, I did what I had to do and I do it again if I had to.
How on earth did you allow OW to hug you? That is even overstepping boundaries on so many levels.
I hate knowing that OW was all nice to me while A#3 was going on....I'm sure I talked to her on phone some days, when fWH had just spent all day w/her @motel.
Just-2-think, that before fWH started being pickup again (during A#3), that I allowed OW to chat w/me hanging inside my car...that I was so nice to her & even felt sorry for her when things went wrong in her life.
I wish some days, that OW would disappear. Just forget to pickup OC some day & never be heard of again. I know, that's not a nice way to feel about anyone, but it's just a daydream of mine. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall...like maybe OW/BH2's toddler, is actually fWH's child.
I'm scheduling a physical this month...I'm going to get STD testing & ask about HPV. fWH's Dr. said they could only test him, if he had a lesion or wart to scrape. All his STD tests were negative last year....I am so worried I'll get HPV-related cervical cancer or something. I am really scared to know. I have put off having my own physical, for that very fact.
Oh, anyway....our anniversary was good (most-the-day)...but, when he wouldn't come off w/any nookie, I got really pissed @him & after midnight, we ended up fighting & him saying "maybe you need to find someone else who can take care of you." I was crying & such in bed. Slept w/my back 2 him rest of night. All my plans for the romantic evening shattered, but my silly notion that you should "get" sex on your anniversary. I guess, last year's tattoo of my name on him, set the bar too high for this year's anniversary. I was almost relieved when the kids came home & I wasn't alone w/him anymore. Halloween evening was good...saw a rainbow on the way to Chucky Cheese's. Spent fWH's mad-money on the kids' pizza & games. That kinda salvaged the anniversary weekend....as a family thing instead. NOTE: the dinner @RedLobster had been nice though & watching a movie on DVD.
Still no word on basketball season....I keep praying that OW tells OC to drop-out this year.
OW took OC to the ER last weekend - she had a severe bladder infection. Sometimes UTI's are hard to see, but my H doesn't get this. He was so upset because he was concerned that OW isn't watching OC close enough and/or allowing unsavory men into her home. She seems to have a new boyfriend every other month. I understand his concerns, but I really think this isn't something to address unless it becomes a common thing.
So OW called the other night because OC wanted to talk to H. She doesn't know him, he hasn't seen her in 2.5 years. Anyway, H gave OW the third degree on what happened to result in a UTI so bad that she had to take her to the ER. I told him that he isn't involved so he has no right to question her on this, but he ignored me.
Anyway, the drama has begun again. H was strongly leaning toward visiting OC in December, which I support if that is what he chooses. I did tell him though that at this point, he couldn't walk away again once he opened that door. She is getting too old for that. And that would require bringing our kids into this world sooner rather than later.
But now she is starting the crap again - bad mouthing him to anyone who will listen. I agree that he has no right to question her parenting, but at least he was concerned about her. I told H that he was still welcome to do as he feels is right regarding OC, but I will NOT allow COM to be brought into this mess right now. I just don't know what the right answer is anymore. My stomach is all in knots like it was the first year of this mess. Blah!
I have really been struggling with that alot the last 3 weeks.
I had been so beyond nice to OW, included her and OC in my life to help transistion for OC and I had to stop talking to her and dealing with her it was eating me alive. She would make litle comments about them being together. And so now she is pissed at me and hurt and taking it out on child and WH. OC has missed 1/3 of visitation in last 3 weeks.
She is threating to take child away at Christmas. WH has to decide if he is going to fight her and file contempt for missed visits.
I honestly feel today that WH last A and this OW are driving me crazy. So I'm committing to NC with OW, she is his problem.
((want2bok)), I have been wondering how you have been. Sorry about the drama. Personally I think that your H has a right to ask about that. I took one of the twins into the hospital and she had the same thing, come to find out she has been sexually molested by any one of the number of men that OW had coming in and out. I think if he is going to have C with the OC, it should be in a 3rd party netural place with you present if you can handle that, and maybe have someone watch COM until you feel comfortable including them in the knowledge of OC. I feel your pain.Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk or need extra support
((JadedJane)), if I read you profile correctly your H has 3 OC with 3 OW? I give you much respect for trying to even hang in there and trying to work on your marriage. And much respect for trying to deal with OW and OC. What I get from your post is that there may not be solid boundaries in place with dealing with the OW/OC? I could be wrong. But with the trust issues you are experiencing right now, it is very important that you have solid boundaries and plans on how to deal with OW/OC or you will be a nervous wreck. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk or need extra support.
Hugs to you all.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:58 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)]
Then I found out today my unemployment is being cut by $400 a month- beginning this week. This is over 25%. Man, when it rains it pours. I really try to be a good person, maybe it's time to start practicing wishing peace and loving kindness for OW (as hard as that is to do).
I just hate the way she complains about how much CS she gets. It isn't a ton fortunately, but we have 3 COM to take care of too. It isn't like we are living it up - we are struggling too. I know our state reevaluates it every 3 years even if no one refiles and that will happen this next spring or summer. And I'm pretty sure it will go up - hopefully not too much though.
I would be okay (I think) with visits at a neutral place (fortunately they are 2+ hours away), and I would want to be there as well. Not because I don't trust H, but I don't trust her. Who knows what story she would come up with, plus I don't want her to get anything that resembles a "family" with my H. How long can we do that before we have to bring our COM into this? The OW is just toxic.
Want2Help - prayers sent your way!