I wish you H had decided to wait in nursery w/you. There's no real reason that he has to see the baby come out of her who-who, is there? I mean, he doesn't even really have to cut-the-cord. I wish he were out there waiting w/you...supporting you. They will bring OC into nursery for weight & tagging, & footprints right after birth. If it's bottlefed, he could've been first to feed OC. For my 1st son, I was in surgical recovery (emergency C-section after induced labor)...and MIL & fWH got to hold & feed DS13, before I even held him. After DS10, fWH got to bring him back from nursery even w/out a nurse escort while I was in OB surgery recovery behind a sheeted bed area in hallway.
I guess, having OC born so close to Christmas (and DS10s b-day), it kinda tainted the joyful holiday season for me. I always loved Christmas before, but now it's bittersweet & triggery off & on.
Really no need for him to be running back and forth. However, whatever is ok with you and whatever you guys worked out as long as he's abiding by that.. I won't come kick his behind :)
I want to make sure YOU are ok!!
We are here for you.
When are you doing paternity testing??
I know this is not an easy time, but know you will survive, and get through this tuff time. This is the second toughest thing to go through with finding out that there is an OC.
This was the time of year I found out that OW was three months pregnant, Christmas still sucks because of OW actions, and just the Christmas before is when I discovered the A.
This year is the last time Christmas will suck for me, though, taking my life and happiness back come New Years... OW/OC will no longer control what I used to have, I have it again, and time is getting better each year.
Wishing everyone a blessed holiday!!!
We will keep praying that OC isn't yours. DNA proof of fWH's paternity, wasn't a shock for me, but still very-very sad day. OC looked like DS10's newborn photo (like twins or something)....I knew she HAD to be fWH's child. Yet, I still hoped it wasn't true.
I know last night was not great for you & I am sending happy thoughts out to you.
Does fWH plan on asking for Christmas visitation or anything, even before DNA testing?
We had called around b4 birth by calling child support services & they recommended the big hospital nearby (30-45 min drive) that did DNA testing for cash. OW was quite offended that fWH arranged for DNA the week after birth, but OH WELL. So be it. Until DNA came back, he took supplies over to OC instead of giving OW $$$. We bought formula, diapers, diaper ointment, & I even bought some outfits. fWH gave them to OW's mother & didn't even look-in-bag....when they said once after he got overnight stays "OC is wearing the outfit you got her"....he was clueless to the fact that he'd bought her any clothes.
OC's b-day is Jan13....I am so dreading it. I have to get her a gift & be happy for her. It is sometimes very hard...last year was difficult, because it was only 4 months after D-day#3 & the end of EA/PA#3.
Just know...we are there for you...through the difficult holiday season.
Yesterday was hard, but I really needed to be there for me. I would've been a basket case sitting at home or at work wondering what FWH was doing, waiting for updates. I only saw OW's family once, they sat about 10 feet from me in the nursery waiting room. Most of them know FWH is married, but did not know that I would be there, only OW knew. She asked FWH about me if I needed anything. OW was drugged up at the time so that probably explained her lapse in selfishness.
The nurses really did not want FWH to leave the room at all, because of OW's blood pressure and the possibility of seizures, he may have to consent to emergency C section. She had the OC really fast, about 7 minutes after the last shot. But FWH wanted to come out and see me and did several times, he hated going back.
OW's family was telling him how much OC looks like him, I didn't see it myself. They did see me with him before I left the hospital.
It sucks to have Christmas ruined by triggers. I think one day we will just all go somewhere else for Christmas, get away.
I have a weird question, how could fWH give consent for emergency C-section? He's only OC's alleged father, not power-of-attorney or something over OW's health. Wouldn't that duty fall on her mother/father or other family member? In our state, the new privacy acts have caused even the spouse to be a questionable person to let have info about health, unless of course they are unconscious...otherwise, fWH has to tell them up-front that I am able to have health info on him....I cannot even see DS13's EOBs now that he's 13, unless he gives my consent.
They are going through Child support office for paternity. It will take 6-8 weeks after the swab. If we had the money to do the 48hr test, we would have. FWH is mailing CS papers today. I told him to call next week and see if he could just go by and get his swab done so they would have it. He will also ask about OC getting swabbed anytime he talks to OW. This is an inter-state thing, so hopefully it will not take forever. I just want to know so we can move on. The suspense is worse.
OC's basketball coach has been very chatty w/fWH lately because he's taken her to multiple practices. She asked about his xW (OW) and how long they'd been divorced!!!! OMG. If I'd have been there, she'd have gotten an earful of gossip.
Anyway, fWH told the coach that he'd never been married to OW. That he & I were having problems in M & he'd been seeing OW. He told her that after he & I had decided to R (since we had a newborn), that OW had called to tell him that she was pregnant. I'm a little angry about his story. It almost seems like we were separated....for-the-record, fWH & I have NEVER separated (except b4 we were married) and it was an AFFAIR, not some girlfriend/boyfriend situation where I knew they were dating & we were not even living together.....fWH & I have shared a home since WAY before OW came along & have never lived separately since our M in 1993 (except the nights I had to stay in dorm @college after M & I was commuting until after that semester was over). Should I be mad about his story to coach, should I clarify it, should I mention A#3 w/OW??? Should I dare mention that OW/fWH planned the pregnancy & I had a 4-month-old @home while they were trying to knock-her-up & I was in my happy-place (loving & caring for 3-year-old & newborn)???? THEY weren't in an innocent relationship whatsoever when OC was conceived!!!!
Oh, and BTW, OW who supposedly couldn't text because her Dad took the cell back from Hawaii & her Mom had taken back the cell she was using on their account, TEXTED me last night (I didn't hear it & got it today). She texted from the # that was on her mom's cell. REMEMBER: she didn't like me texting & had asked more-than-once that fWH call her instead of me texting....but, I said NC. I thought it fishy that she & BH#2 were sharing a cell, yet she was on cell the other day when she pulled into the park for pickup of OC. Now, that worries me, that she may start calling fWH again....especially after them being w/in 4-5 ft of each other & talking to coach simultaneously @ballgame Saturday. How long has she had that cell back & hadn't mentioned a thing to us? And, the fact that fWH has been so amorous since Saturday...not sure if he's really that way, picturing/thinking about OW while w/me, or trying hard to fake w/me because he knows seeing OW upsets me.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 10:33 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)]
I have been thinking about this OC situation. One thing that bothers me is that an OC seems to somehow legitimize the A. People see this child and assume 1) OW is an ex'wife 2)BS somehow "stole" WS from OW and 3) there was some sort of S involved between WS and BS. Surely this child cannot be conceived from A!
It bothers me, and I know I should not worry about what others think, but it somehow seems to be all heaped on BS. The sacrifice, the cooperation, the "lets all put on a happy face for OC and get along". WTH!! We did not do anything wrong! Yet somehow we get to pay for this A and OC the rest of our lives?!
Sorry, just venting.
On a brighter note, found a close place that does 3 day DNA testing, FWH is calling them today. We decided 6-8 weeks of wondering and C if it is not necessary is too much for us. Wish me luck!
But my H on the otherhand, chose to have an A. He brought this in. He talked to OW last night (with my ok) and he was really down afterwards because he hates himself for all of this. But I just can't console him - I just can't. It is his fault and while I know he didn't mean to get her pregnant, he did and that was a chance he took when he decided to sleep with her.
So after a 3 month seperation my H and I have been on the road to R. He has been totally transparent, he has answered all my questions, He has apologized, and he has really beeen making an effort to make me feel appreciated. It has been good, I have felt like we are getting back on track and starting to move foward.
I should mention that while we were seperated he went NC with both OW's.
So why am I still getting hit by HIS karma bus?
Yesterday my H got a notice to appear in court because the OW that had his OC is suing him for child support. During our seperation they had some issues and had come to the agreement that she really didn't want him in OC's life and he said fine then Im done dont call me. She said I will be fine on my own. He asked her point blank are you going to come after me for child support? She said no I wouldnt do that to you. Effin LIAR!!!
Then my H says he is going to sue her for joint custody. We had talked about things and decided that it best if we just put it behind us and move on.
HOW THE HELL CAN I MOVE ON IF HE WANTS JOINT CUSTODY?!?!
For those of you not familiar with my situation, I cannot accept this child. I just can't. My H also wants me to be in court with him on that day. I don't know if I can be in the same room with her and not kill her or throw up.
OMG OMG OMG I am losing it, and right before Christmas too. Why? Why? Why?
Is there any way that OW signed up for public assistance (WIC, food stamps, childcare help, medicare/tncare)?
I worked as a temp a week @child support services & they said in our state (tennessee), that if you sign up for any public assistance for your child & you are not receiving child support (or filed), they require you to walk next door & name a father so they can sue on your behalf. If she's struggling to make ends meet (maybe a layoff or something), it could be that she had no choice.
I cannot remember, but did your H get DNA proof of paternity & have his name on the birth certificate?
As for the joint custody, he might REALLY want to be around OC, but he might just be saying that & plan on filing that way to piss off OW. Since she did not keep her end of the bargain about OC.
Be there to support fWH @court, if that's your choice. I don't think OW will give him joint custody though....she will probably fight it & it need to be mitigated before court.
For me, I knew that fWH had a child prior to our marriage who's out there being raised by someone else as daddy. I know it bothered him, but he wasn't in-love with that teenager & he had a pregnant tennage girlfriend @home who would periodically move in-out of his house. He ended up NOT being the daddy to his GF's baby, but he didn't know that until he was attached. The other girl's pregnancy was being taken care of, as she married her new boyfriend (in high school) and they raised the child as his (he knew it wasn't & that it belonged to my H).
Anyway, I think fWH has many regrets about not being in either children's lives (one not-dauther who he deeply loved & the other son/dauther whom he never met). I would have lost some respect for him, if he had chosen to go NC with OC, because I knew how much more mature & ready 2-b a parent he was once we started a family. I didn't really think he could live w/himself, if he didn't raise OC. Plus, I think he had promised OW to be OC's father, once whatever happened that caused them to break-up EA/PA#2 before I found out.
I think you really need to discuss the joint custody thing w/him very openly. I really didn't want OC in our lives or OW around, but I did not want him sneaking off for 18 years every weekend to see his child either. At some point, COM would have needed to been told for one thing, but then I would have felt like he was cheating, when he went to see her. I think, he might have left me for OW, if he had gone & played house every weekend for 1-2 hours elsewhere....even though OW wasn't supposed to be around @first. What would I have done if once OW & her new boyfriend moved into the apartment & fWH went to their home each week & chatted/socialized. BH#2 (her boyfriend when she had OC), had no clue fWH was her lover, so he was polite etc...even leaving the house during pickups, w/OW & fWH alone.
For me & COM, NC w/OC would have been so much simpler, but I just don't know if fWH could have remained a good father to COM, if he was rejecting his OC.
I feel sorry for OC, in this situation though.
Do they have anything on paper, that says he gets OC, if anything happens to OW? Would he want OC to go into foster care, is OW married & would BH take the child?
Having OC in our lives is hard, but the NC choice is difficult also. There is no easy choice for anyone concerned. I mean, maybe someday, someone will want to adopt OC & be a parent w/OW...but, there are no guarantees that OW with such baggage (OC by mOM), would ever find another man to accept OC as his.
(((Chandler)))...holidays are really rough...I wish your sad news, had waited until after the holidays.
Your husband can choose to be a father to OC & you can choose to stay or go. Don't make any snap decisions. If R is going well, do not let OW ruin your happy-place. I am trying to tell myself that right now, as I type, too! Do not let OW make the holidays any worse for you! Do not let her have that power over you!
Are you sure the results of 3-day test would stand up in-court?
A co-worker of mine did DNA sequencing in college on critters & said DNA testing for humans does really take more than a few days...that CSI is lying, when they are able to get DNA lickety-split & it be admissible in court.
Please don't waste the money for a "quick" result, if the testing will still need to be repeated by a court-approved/recognized facility.
I think fWH's was back in about 3.5-4 weeks. I'm pretty sure OC was born Jan13th, did DNA next week, then got results back the week after Valentine's.
HOwever that is just a standard HOME paternity test for $250
For a court admissible one, we're looking at $800 BUT the place we got ours done at, if you later need a court admissible one (which includes chain of evidence etc...) they take off the money you paid for the home test wihch is nice, since we think we're gonna need the court test.
No easy answer here :(
I agrees with BS though... she may not have any say in it if she applied for ANY type of assistance.. even daycare they go after the father for reimbursement :( She could have said she didn't knwo who the father was one night stand and she didnt' get his name or something.. but then she's committing a crime.. so it's tough.
IF R. has been going well I wouldn't write him off yet since he wants contact. Maybe he just said he wants joint custody because that way if it's 50/50 there is less chance of either paying support.
Just someting to keep in mind as well...
Child support and custody/visitation are two TOTALLY seperate issues! And when you get the state involved it can turn into a mess. YOu'll ened up with 2 seperate cases going at once because usually the judge doing the hearing stuff for child support is in your state. not necessarily even in your town or county and you end up having to teleconference in at least in our experience and some friends experiences. Alo a thing tha thappened was the state went after and got child support from a friend of ours (he was NOT paying because he had the kid) but the mother was getting welfare benefits for the kid while livingon the streets and living with various OM, he showed he had child enrolled in school, Dr. signed affadavit that only the father brought said child into appts. etc... and he still ended up paying the wench child support. Finally he got custody switched into his name, so he went to have child support dropped and they REFUSED, said there hasn't been a big enough change and not enough time had elaspsed. they refused to review the case till 2 yrs later and at that time he FINALLY got child support dropped and he's trying to get those 2 yrs of child support back they took form him and this time has WW on his side (she's already been convicted of welfare fraud so the state knows she didn't have the kid during this time) and it's costing him almost more in legal fee then he'll get back, just to get back the money that is rightfully his!
The best thing you guys can do is get an attorney NOW. They can advise you the best hon.