Exactly if they did not want another woment envolved in their childrens life, they should have chose a man that was not attached to a woman already....
Our OW took fertility pills to try to pull FWH in, which did not work to her advantage, however with time FWH has gotten his parental rights put into the courts, now she has no control over who he allows OC to be around, unless that person causes harm..
Don't let those statements get to you, I know easier said than done, cause they got to me as well. It is their way of thinking they can have control over our FWH still. FWH has power, because OW gave it to him, by naming him on the birth certificate.
Huggs to you sweetie, you actually have more control than she will ever have, just remember that. We have our morals, values, standards, which we all know the OW does not pocess any of these.
I know I am better than her. It just angered me. But I am better now. Actually, WH and I spent a nice day together....he asked me to join him!
Anyway, I knew that she would pull this crap. I know that more will probably come my way. It's just frustrating because she doesn't want me around, but she thinks she can text me about the wherabouts of MY WH?! I don't think so! I ignored her stupid ass! What is she thinking?! Clearly she is trying to win WH over. I think WH is beginning to get real sick of OW! WH knows she can't keep me from OC. If we have to go to court...so be it. I will fight for OC if need be.
She can't and will not win.
Thank you again for your support! It truly helps with the fucktastic situation I am in!
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
I was right...she has already started other shit. God, I wish she would just GO AWAY!
My WH spent most of the day with me. He had his cell phone off because he didn't want to deal with anyone.
Anyway, knowing this, I checked his messages. It's getting late now, and OW has left a few messages. Please call me. The OC needs you. I am in pain, can't make it stop, don't know what to do (DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO!?!? GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL IF IT'S REAL!?). Please don't do this to me. Then finally, I'm sorry, please call.
UGH! WH hasn't checked his messages yet. I know he will in the morning. The only thing is that he is leaving for a business trip VERY early. He HAS to go on this one. Why do these OW play these awful games!?!? I know they don't have any morals. I know that OW will do ANYTHING to hang on to WH. But how can you LIE ABOUT THE HEALTH OF YOUR BABY?! It's awful. It's almost worst, almost, than sleeping with a married man. I just don't get it! She has friends. She has family....she DOES NOT NEED MY H! Unbelievable what people will do. It completely blows me away. And the sad thing is....I know this is just the beginning. I pray WH doesn't fall for her shit. IF she was REALLY in pain or whatever, she would have kept calling. She would have even called me, I am sure. I just don't understand these people. Isn't it enough that they fracture our marriages? Isn't it enough that the got pregnant (in my case) on purpose!? Can't OW just see she is NOT wanted anymore?!?!
WH and I are not in R....I know he is coming out of the fog though...I think that is why OW is turning up the juice.
As for his phone....it is a work cell and can't change his number or block her the number. WH is looking for another job.
As for a lawyer, I have one retained....it's for our post nup, but we can easily get one. But again, WH is not home, we are not in R. We are talking about it though. We DO have a plan for dealing with OW and OC if and when we begin to R. I would be the contact person.
I just hope my WH can see right through her shit. Obviously, if it was important she would have stopped at nothing to get a hold of him. She did text me twice today, asking about WH wherabouts....I never responded. Then sure enough.....two hours later the pain sets in. Whatever.
Thanks for the suggestions. I am ready when WH gets his head out of his ass. He's beginning too! At least he seems to be, trying not to jump ahead of myself.
Why does OW have to ruin my nice day with my WH? She knows he's done with her.... I guess she can't or doesn't want to see that.
Then, she told OC that since her games were out-of-town on Saturday, that she & BH#2 & toddler would not be going. And, furthermore, she would not be going to ANY out-of-town games the rest-of-season. WTF? I told you that "I'm a good Mommy" act was just that. She signed OC up for basketball, but now she cannot attend the games unless they are in-town? OC was very sad about that.
Snow/ice caused us to be locked @home Fri/Saturday & I had to share the PC w/DS13 (who is homeschooling). His Netbook crashed again (after 2 times back to HP for service). Friday practice & 2 Saturday games (out-of-town) were cancelled, which didn't break my heart. It's been barely above 20 degrees all week & our water has frozen twice (even w/leaving it trickle).
Well, went to church Sunday. Then after lunch, I had planned on taking OC to shop @JCPenney for b-day clothes (her b-day is 13th). Had a nice shopping outing...poor child will be 9 and is wearing an 18plus (18 1/2) top & 12plus jeans. She weighs something like 110-115 lbs. I thought basketball would have helped her this year lose some weight. Diabetes runs on both sides of fWH's family...I'm a little worried that her weight might cause horrible health issues.
Anyway, we got ready to check-out & nobody @cash register. A manager came over & started ringing us up. Then the real woman (about in late 20s or early 30s) came over & asked if she could help bag, since it was her area (guess she missed out on her % fee for the sales). Anyway, the woman goes "Hey aren't you OC, I'm Molly & I know your momma OW. How's your sister OW/BH#2 child?" She knew all their names etc. I felt about 2 inches tall. Here I was, playing the good Momma, taking her shopping for her b-day...and stupid OW's friend has-2-be there!!!! Ugh! I wanted so badly to run, screaming, into the street. We had planned on picking up a toy @Wal-mart for her b-day also, but I just had to go home. I couldn't control my mood anymore. I was on verge of weeping. I told fWH about it when we got home. He said he didn't know Molly & not many of OW's friends...he said "it's not like we went out dating w/her friends and such." fWH said I should have introduced myself & said "I am OC's stepmother." But, I told him that I should have introduced myself & said "I am THE WIFE!" If they really were good friends, I'm sure she called OW right then once her shift ended in 15 minutes.
And, Finesse, I know how it feels to have a planned OC. fWH & OW planned the pregnancy. fWH wanted to make her happy & he knew OC would make her happy. They'd tried to get her pregnant during A#1 (before I got pregnant w/DS10) and then sometime either during my pregnancy or shortly afterwards, they began EA/PA#2 & conceived OC. He claims he wasn't happy when he found out, but I really believe they were probably still in-the-affair & both were overjoyed until for some reason, the fog lifted & he said "oh shit, what've I done. I'm going to lose everything & my sons over OW/OC." I honestly don't know what he though he could achieve by having EA/PA#3.
And, this morning, I saw a tongue ring on his nightstand. He was cleaning yesterday & I guess he found it. I made him remove it as part of attempted R#3. He said he had it in yesterday. OW & he both had them. She got hers after fWH & BH#1 (the buddies) got them after A#1 & they had remained friends/coworkers. OW saw fWH's & got her own. Wonder what BH#2 would think, if he knew OW got her tongue ring because of stalking fWH. That's about the time that she got a 2nd/3rd job @tanning salon when she found out fWH went there. Just seeing the tongue ring, makes me sad. I tossed the french-tickler one I found in his truck stashed away (surely it had OW's bodily fluids on it). YUCK!!!! You know, her & her multiple-orgasm self.
I really pisses me off that OW calls, when she knows I'm not home yet! HOW do I insist that fWH enforce NC? GOD, was I just stupid to try another R? I was almost tempted to forward the house calls to my cell today. But, if MIL called, then fWH would know I had been doing that when she had to call his cell to reach him instead.
OC's b-day & the weeks prior are always difficult...thought I was behaving okay, but now...I'm feeling a crying spell coming on.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:35 AM, January 11th (Monday)]
Our OW is a sanctimonious control-freak too. It sucks that the only one who did nothing wrong gets dictated to.
OW wants FWH to visit in her home, no taking OC home until he is 3. FWH agreed to no overnights until 3, but we have agreed that it is not appropriate for FWH to visit OC in her home alone, me or ILs go with him. This is to help our R and establish boundaries as OW has NONE.
When OW found out about that, she lectured FWH on how sad that was, she did not care if he saw her, but he needed to see OC. That he was missing out etc and would not see him as much if he had to get a chaperone. We weren't able to come up Sat, as COM was sick the night before and we all got about 3 hours sleep, and the lectures started over. She texted off and on all day that she was being tolerant, but if this would hurt OC, she would not stand for it, that FWH is missing out OC's development, changes. FWH and I both were pissed.
However, we both decided that OW's opinion does not matter, she will continue to push buttons as long as we let her. If she denies FWH access to OC, we will go to court. FWH is a great dad, he will do everything he can as a father, but OW wants to blame everything in her life on everyone else. She is a 28 y/o toddler!
Control what you can, yourself, focus on your M and R.
fWH should not have agreed to no overnights w/OC. Part of bonding w/OC is involved w/bathing, storytime, playtime. You cannot relax w/OC @OW's home. Can he go back & get that changed?
AND, OC will not remember if fWH wasn't around...even if he NEVER had visitation until 4 or 5 years. Many kids have very few long-term memories prior to then.
If he's going to be the DAD, then he needs to have OC w/him. You guys are quite capable of taking care of OC & the earlier you have OC @your home, the more easily the overnights will be later. Maybe you could do partial days, for a while? I doubt OW will allow that. I mean, babies don't know anybody....as long as someone loves & cares for them, they don't care. They get accustomed to having certain caregivers, but what's the difference in you guys having OC & sending to a daycare or allowing a babysitter or friends over to see OC? That's why newborns are so good for adoption, as they don't really have many bonds yet & even small children can grow to love anyone who treats them with love.
I have been where you are and I understand. Please protect yourselves, emotionally, financially, legally. You have to decide what can you live with and make those boundaries clear. The OW use to call and talk to the OC, but she had to call my cell phone or house phone, and she thought she was slick, she tried to get the kids to put my H on the phone. I stopped her dead in her tracks. There is nothing that you need to talk to my H about that you can't talk to me about. All of a sudden she didn't need to talk to him then. Unfortunately some of our H's confuse their obligation to the OC to mean they have an obligation to the OW, not true. Alot of what happens depends on your h's attitude. If you put down boundaries, mean them, do not waver. This is an emotional situation for us all, but you have to go into what I call self-preservation mode. It is your family or OW.
Even though the OW is out of our lives, I still have some emotions with this. The OC were talking about her the other day. They said remember when we were little and we were afraid to let daddy hold us? I said no I wasn't there. Then one of them said, that's right you never were at her house but daddy was there alot of times. (I had to gain my composure and say yes, that is right I have never been in your mother's house) That cut me like a knife. Then they asked why she gave them up, I told them the judge took them away because she wasn't be a good mom right now. They said she gave us up to you because she didn't want any children and so you could be our mom. So, even though I am not dealing with the OW directly, the after effects of infidelity are long lasting. It made me a little sad, but I am not going to let it take me over.
Again I am so sorry for all of us that continue to go thru this.
We argued some over-the-weekend about other stuff, and I'm a little bit worried about broaching the subject of NC & that it needed to be enforced. I'm afraid he'll say "or what, you'll leave me?" I have gotten comfortable w/fWH again & now I am worried about jeopardizing the progress we've made toward R.
OW said something else yesterday about sitting on a tractor with a guy, how great if felt to have his arms around her, FWH disregarded the message, it wasn't about OC and he did not care.
OW is pushing and FWH is getting to the point of pushing back. I honestly think he has no concern for OW and her activities, as long as they do not hurt OC, he does not care what or who she does. OW talked about moving 2 hrs away if she cannot find a job, I just said, well, we'll just have to drive further to see him.
I understand FWH not wanting to take OC away from OW. That is not our intention, if she does not deny access to OC, there is not a problem. Her stupid antics while tiring, don't matter in our C with OC. If she denies FWH access to OC, then we will file for at least joint custody.
CS is through CSED. That is being held up right now, because her STBXH has to deny paternity, even after DNA confirmed OC is FWH's.
On a positive note, things with FWH and R are really great, we communicate more and FWH really seems to be working on himself.
I'm a little bit worried about broaching the subject of NC & that it needed to be enforced. I'm afraid he'll say "or what, you'll leave me?" I have gotten comfortable w/fWH again & now I am worried about jeopardizing the progress we've made toward R.
Repeat, you are not jeopardizing R, your H is. You hold all of the cards on whether you guys R or not. If he decides he would rather leave you and his children then have NC with OW (what stupid, petty contact their is on her part), would you really want him?
OW said something else yesterday about sitting on a tractor with a guy, how great if felt to have his arms around her, FWH disregarded the message, it wasn't about OC and he did not care.
To Finesse, from what I have heard on this board and IRL, few OCs seem to be accidents. OW in my sitch told me on the phone she wanted my H's baby, was SOOO happy to be having his baby, and thought if she got pregnant he would leave me and marry her instead. She said "I saw his girls (my stepdaughters from H's previous marriage) were his whole life and I wanted to have that with him, too". Which to me sounds like she was jealous of the time and affection my stepds took from her, but that is just my opinion.
Now, since we are completely NC with OW and OC, and my H has never even met OC (and OW has never even bothered to contact him about visitation or anything, EVER, once she realized he wasn't leaving me- not even when OC was born) you would think she would be a little less than thrilled to have a child by someone she calls OC's "sperm donor". Nope, she tells everyone how proud she is OC has "her daddy's good genes". Calls every feature of OC's "(our last name)" genes. As in (if our last name was Jones) "OC's Jones eyes", "OC's Jones feet", "OC's Jones smile" etc, etc. Before my daughter was born, she even made OC (who was a month old) a myspace profile and sent it to everyone (my family included) calling it and OC "THE JONES BABY". She is so proud to have something of my H's to hold on to, even if it is just the last name of her child (it has made my own last name my biggest trigger of all, I hate it so much). For this reason alone I fear she will never have her new fiance (the guy she is pregnant by, who did propose as soon as she revealed to him she was knocked up again) adopt OC, as we have always hoped, despite the fact that OC calls this guy daddy, and he claims OC as his own (I doubt it will last long enough for that though, the guy OW is now pregnant by just turned 19, much younger than herself, is looks like a punk gangster wannabe on his FB and myspace).
Oh well, one can dream, right?
[This message edited by Want2help at 4:03 PM, January 11th (Monday)]
I need to clairify my life and R-ing. FWH has even told me he "ruined us". That he F*&ked up, but can't change the past.
He really wants us to make it, but we are both getting tired of this shit.. We both just want to be happy, it has been so long..
I am dying at the moment......
Did you WHs say, paint OC rooms, put furniture together if OW asked!? My dumbass WH feels he needs to. I said I want to be there too or MIL with him....
As long as there are boundaries we both feel comfortable with, right!?
Attorney said to be careful with what i'm posting on the internet.
But I CAN say I'm ALL SMILES!!!
FWH NEVER EVER went to her house to paint the room, put furniture together or anything!!!! She did buy a second handle cradle that broke that i told her I'd have FWH fix for her and told her she could drop it off here. (She ended up getting a crib at her baby shower though). But that is as far as it went.
Our attorney told us today that she's never seen someone with as good of notes as I have and sooo detailed!!! She said it's the best thing i could have ever done!! I cannot stress enough to keep that journal you guys!!!
I do keep notes, kind of anal about that. LOL
Print, save, copy, download you name it I do it...
Offered to burn eerything the other night, towards a fresh start with R, but FWH refused to let me.. Said not yet, so made a pack that in 6 months when weather is nicer we have a bomb fire together... That is everything except anything that would benefit in a custody battle if needed it.
Thanks Beajus for your response in General.
I figured that maybe, just maybe it could be useful later.
Thanks for the help guys.
I am feeling really low at the moment. I don't know if WH can see us doing this. It is breaking my heart.
I am trying to PM you but you are at your limit. I am happy for you, I hope things go the way you want them.
He is trying to have it modified because she is claiming to be paying $450 in childcare a month, which puts my FWH's child support for OC to almost $500 a month (his child support + his share of childcare). According to the child support worksheet, his child support for OC would only be a little over $200 a month is it wasn't for childcare. His child support for OC, plus the child support for his last minor daughter from his previous marriage leaves him a little over $700 after taxes and child support. This is including the credit for our COM.
I know OW doesn't pay for childcare. Her new boyfriend is unemployed and he stays home to watch the OC while OW sleeps (she works nights) and is there while she is at work. I have recent emails from here saying as much.
Here is the problem; The email is not to me. I shouldn't even have the email. I have access to her email, and took screen shots of it.
What do I do? I have already been told by my cousin (a single mom who's ex has to pay her $$$ for childcare) that all my cousin had to do to get the $$$ from my cousin's ex was have a friend sign a piece of paper saying she watches the my cousin's kid and charges so much a month, and CS never even checked.
Now, considering that we are living on my meager unemployment + FWH's $700 a month, as you can imagine, a lawyer is out of the question.
Any advice? My FWH can't really mail a print out of the screen shot in as evidence, right?
Oh, and please wish me strength on the hearing. I am sure I will be sitting right there supporting my H, I hope I don't hear that redneck whore's wannabe valley girl voice, it makes me
[This message edited by Want2help at 1:12 AM, January 12th (Tuesday)]