1) they usually cannot touch your unemployment as WHs income in determining CS.
2) Find a lawyer who will let him make payment, I'm sure there's one out there w/a kind heart & recognizes the desire for a man to do right by his child.
3) After your obtain a lawyer, request that childcare payments be documented. IF, her bf is the childcare, they'd have to give his SSN...then, if her BF is drawing unemployment, that would screw up his weekly check. Maybe a blacked-out copy of his tax return, proving the income from OC's care which he'll be claiming & how much was supposedly paid? I don't think it's unreasonable to request that. I'm sure he wouldn't want his income taxes to be screwed-up over this, or I'm just guessing that. Plus, OW can claim a certain % up-2-max, for child care expenses...maybe a printout of her tax info. also w/the attached worksheet for childcare?
And, you might cringe @this, if OC is near you, you could request to furnish childcare, with pickup/dropoff @local school/park, etc. I'm not sure how that would impact your unemployment benefits or your possibility of returning to work again.
Is fWH supplying health insurance or anything like that? fWH got credits for health & dental benefits. You might be able to get a credit for that.
I hate to ask, but if you cannot find another job in your field, could fWH find a 2nd job to help pay for a lawyer?
My fWH actually sold his 4-wheeler to pay for a lawyer when OW decided after the breakup from A#3, that she wasn't going to sign the agreed CS/custody order & we ended up having to pay much more to have her served instead. Is there anything he could sale OF HIS to pay for lawyer? It's his responsiblity.
Oh, and if you think they might try to take his tax return, you might want to file separately or file an INJURED SPOUSE form, so they cannot take your share. I'm not sure how that works, but I remember my mom used-2-do that because her 2nd xH was a nocount alcoholic who refused to work most-the-time. You could look online about it, to make sure that they didn't garnish your whole tax return on OC's support.
Okay, if OW sleeps all day & BF watches OC...who has OC @night while she works? Conventional childcare isn't possible in that case.
We are requesting that any daycare ONLY be done by a licensed AND registered daycare provider (here they are 2 differant things). That way she cannot get away with having a friend do it!
HOwever a child support hearing probably isn't going to go into all this. YOu're gonna have to go before a family court judge and bring this up in a custody hearing.
Start visiting attorneys and seeing what they have to say.... we found one to do work for us without a retainer so they are out there!!
OC was a dealbreaker for me and we are divorcing, but we still live together for now. I also wanted to file for child support first. However, I am having problems with my rational thinking. She lives in Germany and only planned on coming over here if my STBXWH left me. He says he wants to stay with me, but I know my life will be better without him in it. But then I will have to drop my kids off with the two of them.
I guess I am just damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm just really tired of thinking about all of this stuff all of the time. If my husband and I stay together, I know I will rarely have to see her. If we actually move away from each other, high probability she will be step mom to my kids. Can I just crawl under a rock now?
I am so sorry you are here, but those members on this thread are INCREDIBLY supportive and knowedgable. I am still struggling with the thought of OC....I found out about OC (pregnancy) in October as well. I still can't fathom it....I want to R, WH is having trouble with his guilt and other buillsh*t. We don't have our own kids...so that just makes it worse. I actually miscarried after I found out about OC.... They would have been weeks if not days apart
Anyway....post away here. It is up to YOU what you decide. I know those IRL have their opinions, but this is YOUR life. We are here for you and by your side.
You are in my thoughts.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
Finesse - I have been following your posts and I ache with you. Maybe our husbands could crawl under that rock and we could jump on it until the sense was knocked back in them!
Well, off to bed to continue my not so rational thinking. I probably won't have too many updates since nothing is really happening now and she is so far away, but I will read here a lot to get an idea of what I may be facing and to offer hugs and support. I am so thankful for this site! Good night ladies!
This was one of my issues at first too - the thought of her being around MY kids. It made me sick just to think about it. Fortunately, my FWH said that even if we decided to separate, he wouldn't be with her.
But Finesse is right - this is YOUR decision. We will be here for you no matter what!
So, your fWH is a fence-sitter....either way, he has someone....and either way, you will have a hard road. So sorry you had to join us.
Dropped DS10 off @school & then started thinking about how they're only 13 months apart...that fWH & OW chose to put me through this HELL. That they were loving each other, planning the pregnancy (during 2 separate EA/PAs). That no matter what he says, I believe that they were still together when she got positive pregnancy test results & that they probably made love & celebrated. He'll never come-clean about everything, I fear. Sometimes, he claims he wasn't seeing her during my pregnancy (most of false R#2 & hysterical bonding). Then, he once slipped up & said that "maybe" they were meeting up while I was still pregnant. OH GOD! How could he go & hold my hand during my C-section for DS10, then run off weeks or days after to see her. Just the thought of him calling her & telling her that he had another son on DS's birthday, tears me up. He claims he didn't, but after DS13's bday, he didn't leave my side that day....when DS10 was born he left me for a few hours to "go home & straighten up the mess I'd left from moving furniture the night b4." After he found out OC was his via DNA, he said "I wish she was yours, instead of OWs." Was that just blowing smoke? I mean, he did still love her enough to go through w/A#3 8 years later. Did he tell OW that he wished DS was hers too? How long after DS was born, did they start back in trying to conceive? He admitted that during A#1 (before D-day#1), they'd been trying to conceive. HOW could he try to conceive w/me, just a month later & get me pregnant w/DS10????
Uhhhh! I've gotta see OC afterschool & OW @6pm for dropoff. I know many of you REALLY adore OC, but isn't it ever hard to celebrate OC's birthday?
Well, I've gotta try & work & fight back the tears....if I wasn't so busy, I'd just sit here & bawl like a crybaby.
My question that never seems to have a good answer....WHY was OW so important to you, that you risked losing everything....even losing the right to be with your 4-year-old & NEWBORN son? What if OW had called me the day she found out...which was only about 5 months after DS10 was born? WHAT on earth did you think would come about, by having two "wives?" I mean, was he thinking he could just string-me-along, having sex w/me daily (think he's a SA), loving & caring for our two DSs, then go to OW (the one he probably loved best @that time) every weekend to see her & OC?
sorry for the rant....I just get so emotional about everything sometimes.....WHY AM I EXPECTED TO CELEBRATE OC TODAY, WHEN HER CONCEPTION & BIRTH PROVE HOW LITTLE MY HUSBAND CARED ABOUT ME & OUR FAMILY?
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 7:09 AM, January 13th (Wednesday)]
I am sooooo sorry that this is a crappy day for you. My OC b-day is next week and depending on what happens tomorrow in court I don't know how that is going to go either. I know exactly how you feel. That is why I could not accept OC because OC represents how little me and our son and our M meant to my H.
My thoughts are with you today.
Thanks for the MOJO I am going to need it
Mandilwen, glad you found us and sorry you have to be here.
I am still struggling with OC, he is less than 1 month old, it will probably be a constant struggle for me. I do not blame OC for any of this, but when you think about birthdays, father's day etc. everything gets complicated. I HATE seeing OW. It hurts seeing FWH holding a child that is not mine. It was a kick in the gut that OW gave FWH a son. FWH does not care about gender, he only wanted a healthy baby, but it's still hard. My FWH has problems with boundaries EA/PA, he took OW to Dr appts which was hard for me, but there were a lot of P complications and OC could have not been to term. FWH did no "nursery prep", OW's trailer flooded this weekend and the floor is ruined, but FWH is not helping her fix it, she has found another hero to do it
Take your time, do what's right for YOU. Take care of you. Healing takes time and attention to yourself.
All those facing CS crap, sending prayers your way, we will soon face that ourselves, if STBXH ever signs denial of paternity.
Maybe that's what can get you through the hearing tomorrow. Go there & stare @her w/daggers. Think about ripping her face off the whole time...make her feel about 2-inches tall & like a piece of trash w/your evil stares.
For me, it'd difficult to R, thinking such bad thoughts about OW & then go home to fWH and somehow not think of him in same way. They're both white trash for doing this to our family (planned pregnancy & multiple As spanning 10+ years), but I'm trying to love my very own "white trash hubby" and R anyway. How do you regain any respect for fWH after everything OW & OC's existence have put us through? How do you look at OC (who looks just like OW) with a Christian loving heart, yet secretly wish that her conception/birth had never happened in the first place?
Chandler, make fWH take you for a stiff drink after the hearing....get so drunk you need him to carry u to the car & puke your guts up! A good barf-fest couldn't hurt....that's probably what you'll feel like doing after you hear OW open her big-fat mouth @hearing anyway.
But, don't forget to look stunning & gorgeous @the hearing. Knowing she's been up w/crying baby/child & very little sleep for however long and will probably be a real "sight."
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:39 AM, January 13th (Wednesday)]
I am right there with you ladies, Just how could they do these things to us, without even considering the long term ramifications for their actions. It is not like a pregnancy is a short term thought, it's alife time commitment, why did they not see that. If they wanted children, which I know mine did not, was all planned on OW for her sure foot in my FWH life forever. Can you say selfish, and using children for own personal gain. Just so sad when there is so many, like me that want children and can't not have them.
I do wonder about this every day if I can move past all this, it will always be an in your face situation. I know that if I go, it will not make any less of a thought in my head, it will always be there, and what I lost do to OW selfishness, and FWH stupidity.
Repeat, I feel your pain, and have no words to console, but HUGGS to give..I wish I as well could find those majic words so not to feel, what we feel so often..
Wishing for all that everyday, becomes less burdensome then the day before, and we all find that OW has fallen of the planet and OC are safe....For those that want OC, safe with them..
Thank you all for being here, not that you want to be I understand.
Mandilwen: Anytime you just need support or want to vent, we are here for you.
Chandler: Good luck tomorrow, will be saying a special prayer for you two. Yes make sure to be in your hottest business attire, that worked so well for me.. It was a devestating day, first time I have been face to face with OW after discovery of A, and man OH man. That was the day I realized that he went out for ground beef, when their is filet mignon at home, she was and is just plain nasty. He had to use a lot of flour to get her pregnant LMAO. FWH was right next to me holding me close until we went in, which was great pleasure to watch, her know that I was supporting him, through what evil act she did to US.
I know I can't control ILs, I cannot control OW but it seems like OW is taking inches off of me daily. UGH!!
I just think it would have been much more appropriate for ILs to meet OC with fWH bringing over there. Plus, COM will be so confused, when they introduce OC as their sibling...not very well planned out, I guess. Just appears that OW is anxious to get in-good w/ILs.
Sending good vibes for COM tomorrow & for your sanity tonight and tomorrow.
Are they going to introduce OC as COM's sibling then? Or just as "this is our other grandchild."
((Mandilwen)) Welcome to our group. You will find support and understanding here. The road is going to be a bumpy one, please lean us.
((repeatbs)), sorry that you continue to go thru this pain. The effects of infidelity are long lasting indeed.
((altered)) This pain is so new and raw for you. I am confused as to why the OW is dropping the OC off to inlaws? IS she playing that the OC is too young to be away form her card? I know the pain that you must be feeling. It is hard enough for the COM to learn and be introduced to another sibling, but this way I think will be emotionally painful for them. Thinking of you and your children.
The OW's friend called to take the OC this weekend. I have no problem with that, I have let her have them before, but I learned that she put them on the phone with OW before. She is like an aunt to the OC so I will not take that away from them, but I want her to know that I do not want any contact between OW and OC. I am the one that has to deal with the behaviors after they have any contact and I don't want to go thru it. The judge said I don't ever have to let her have contact with them again and that is what I plan to do. When they get older if they want to find their mother, it will be their choice.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 3:46 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)]
and if i had MY WAY i wouldn't let your kids go to IL's with OW there Nuh unh!!!