If you had read my update in General....WH has come back and wants to R.
Now we are building our M and getting ready to handle OC. OC is due the end of May.....this is awful for me as I miscarried around the time we discovered OW was pregnant...ours would have been due about the same time
Anyway....one day at a time...I will probably need a lot of help....I have been reading and rereading the posts here. I think that every one of you are incredible! You have given me so much strength....it's one of the reasons why I feel like FWH and I CAN R with an OC on the way. Truly.
Wish us luck!
I am sure I will be posting again soon!
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
Letting you know you are heard. I understand what you are dealing with, and have been where you are, outside of being pregant and miscarring. But my prayers are with you two in a sucessful recovery, and fruitfull R. It will be tough, but as you mentioned one day at a time, is all we can do. The past has to become the past, and work on the present situations as they come, but remember the OW may try to keep putting things from the past in your face, but you can not let them effect your relationship as it is becoming, and is now. Good luck to you both.
Bless you and your journey.
You all know how OW, is vendictive. Well 2 days ago, she changed her profile picture, to a bouqet of roses, one which I have seen in the past, that FWH had given to her on Mother's Day, of 5 roses. One from each man in her life as she put as her caption on the saved picture. Well she placed the old picture as her default now, and her mood was confused with a sad face with little ??? above it.
So yes, this got me to wondering what she was confused about. So I went into my back door account, and found that she placed as her comment "Ive been cheated, been mistreated... When will I feel loved!!!... Now sing it...LOL.
OH MY GOD!!!! give it a rest tramp.. But at least the confused was not something FWH was doing that confused her at this given time. I think, she thinks, maybe I would think that FWH had given her roses again, by placing that picture and the confused emotion. All I can say is, thank goodness I had known about this picture prior, And knew that this was an old picture.
So I went into my account, which I know she looks at quiet often, and put my default picture of FWH and I kissing,(very good picture I might add) and put my mood as "Real LOVE". LMAO.
Don't play games with a girl, who can play them better....
Going2MakeIt - I am glad your 1st DDayversary wasn't that bad. My first one was actually my second child's due date. When the doctor offered to induce a week early, I jumped on it! I celebrated my week old baby and barely thought about what had happened a year before.
dreamer - I know the OW looks at my myspace, too. I use it to my advantage as well!
Don't play games with a girl, who can play them better....
My thoughts as well. She has no idea what she has gotten herself into. My stbxwh told me that he told her I was a dumb, white trash, beyatch. I asked why he would tell her something so far from the truth. He said to make her feel better about herself. Mind boggling...but I guess you could say she has been warned to stay far away from me, lol!
Hope everyone else is doing okay this week. Still deciding if I should kick him out in a few weeks or not. Our divorce will be final in about three weeks. He keeps asking to stay and work on "us". I told him it will take a phone call to OW letting her know that HE wants to stay. He keeps telling me I can let her know that. Dumbass, it's not the same thing coming from ME! And she is too dumb to notice that he hasn't moved out yet. I wonder what she thinks he is waiting for? Oh well. We will see what happens as the drama unfolds. I am pretty sure that noone in her family is aware that she may be pregnant by a MM. She emailed my stbxwh and I intercepted her baby registry invitation that included all of her friends and family's email addreses. If she pisses me off, I will let them all know for her if the DNA testing comes back as his. And the name for their baby? The one he wanted to use for our little one if he was a girl...
Take care everyone, you are all in my thoughts!
Have you "forgiven"?
What did it entail? HOw di dyou know? I would ask in general oe R, but then i'd get all the college philosophy majors talking about what forgiven really means.. BLAH LOL
Things are at a complete standstill right now with he and i although we've had major pgroess with regards to custody of OC. We get along fairly well etc.. but I'm wondering if forgiveness will ever come with OC looking at me every single day??? I'm not angry about the A anymore in fact I don't often think about it..(unless i'm here LOL) but i'm wondering if that is because we're sooo preoccupied with everything else going on with OC that my mind doesn't have time to wander.... I still have anger going on but it's differant.. it's about the fact that we're spending our Disney money on attorneys and process servers... and i suppose it's a small bit of sadness as well but it's not about OC or the A.
Anyway just some ramblings
Every little once in while something will happen to make me trigger or cause him to feel ashamed, but we do our best to let that moment pass and work on us. We make time for us. I know that is hard with all the little ones that you have, but if BOTH OF YOU work towards it, it can be acheived.
Sorry stbXH is jerking you around. Is he cake-eating or fence sitting? Just wondered if he's sticking around to see if baby is his & will leave if DNA proves so? I was stupid & didn't demand NC. I think back now & believe that if NC had remained in-place after A#1, then OC wouldn't have been here & definately A#3 would never have happened. If remaining "just friends" was more important than our M, then maybe he would have walked. I just wasn't strong enough or in the mental state to make any demands.
Like many of you, COM's birthdates fall closely around OC's birthday. I had a 4-month old when fWH/OW chose to get her pregnant. I don't know if I'd have left over A#2/OC, if we didn't have COM together. I feel pretty stupid for not realizing how much she meant during A#1 (when they first started trying to get her pregnant) and then much more stupid for staying after D-day#1 (thinking that she was just SEX, to comfort him in our dysfunctional M).
My biggest fear is, that he will never change. That even though he begged, cried, pleaded on D-day#3 & the following days/weeks/months, he will never be trusted & may have A#4 in the future.
I have not forgiven. He wasn't remorseful for A#1/A#2, basically blaming them on my behavior. And he says, "sorry I hurt you for having OC, but even though I regret having gotten her pregnant, I will never say that I regret that OC was born." Between D-day#2 & OC's DNA results, fWH was so loving, kind, caring, gifty, etc....after that & OC started showing up, he acted like OC was very important & my needs & feelings eventually took a backburner again. PLUS, knowing how hard his paralysis had been on the family & how much we went through & how much I personally DO/DID for him daily, I cannot fathom why his 3rd betrayal was even considered.
I cannot see her changing soiled sheets @1am, wiping his arse (which he no longer asks for help with after D-day#3), going to Dr. appts, getting up early to help him dress, doing all the manly chores outdoors (mowing, weedeating, taking off trash), caring for OC-toddler-COM (if we'd D), working 40 hours/week & doing ALL housework. Before fWH's layoff, I was doing-it-all....before he became SAHD. Plus, dealing with COM's ADHD, schools, & then she'd have had a 2nd xH and all that too.
My mom & best friend keep telling me that I need to forgive him. He never forgave me for the online/letters-only imaginary sex (prior to marriage), he even mentioned it last week....what has he done over-the-years, that would give me any indication that he wants/needs my forgiveness. Ultimately, GOD is the only one who he needs forgiveness from, if he ever accepts GOD.
All-that-said, I do feel like after A#1, DS's conception/birth made me a content person (if OW had stayed away). AND, for many-many years, fWH's relationship w/OW was only about OC (no more friendly calls & "she's my best friend" garbage). We were having problems, but I could never have guessed how bad (until D-day#3 - or the suspicions of A#3). If we could have resolved our issues, w/out OW involved again, I would have been happy w/fWH. I so loved him & wanted everything to be good in our M. I am trying to forgive this time, as he seems very remorseful about EA/PA#3, but the other two As & our baggage, and OC being in-the-picture, cloud the issues....cause anger. YES, I am still angry that they chose to have OC. The lies about her conception (not a ONS w/fOW & lapse of judgment as previously led-to-believe)....which I learned after D-day#3, really hurts my soul terribly. Some days, I still wonder if I should leave him. I cannot seem to get-past everything. I know, it's a horrible character flaw, to be so unforgiving. I just don't know HOW to forgive him. Should I just say "I forgive you for all 3 affairs, but the hurt will never go away."??? Would he just come back & say, I never asked for forgiveness & you deserved everything! I'm just so afraid of being the STUPID naive young woman of years ago, who thought that everything would be perfect, because I loved him....I broke his heart once & maybe this misery is my punishment.
HOW can you guys forgive the affair(s) that caused OC? How did some of you let fWH return home, after chosing OW/OC over you? How did some of you forgive what you thought to be multiple OC, spanning many-many years during LTAs?
I guess, I hold grudges far-too-long.
Honestly, I had even become civil & friendly w/OW & BH#2....prior to EA/PA#3. So much so, that fWH jokingly calls OW my "buddy" and BH#2 my "best friend." That's not true about us being friends (just not antisocial), but I mistakenly thought I could trust OW, since she married BH#2 & gave him a child. I didn't know about her call to MIL to proclaim her love for fWH during his illness (quite possibly could've been his deathbed)...all-the-while, her knowing that she was pregnant by BH#2. fWH swears that he wasn't intimate w/OW, until 2008...but, I guess OW/BH's toddler, could've been fWH's instead, if she'd had her way again (working @tanning salon just-2-see fWH briefly each week). I never told BH#2, that OW worked there because she wanted to be around fWH & that she got her tongue ring because fWH & BH#1 got one together. If OW pushes it again, I may just call BH#2 and divulge those little tidbits to him.
All the remaining games (prior to tournament) are in-town...OW is supposed to go. She didn't go last week, but the drive was short anyway. As-you-recall, she told OC a bit back, that because she didn't have a 2nd vehicle, she couldn't go to away games (her BH#2 needed it for his part-time job on Saturdays). Well, it's funny that OW was supposed to be stuck @home w/toddler & no car. Yet, when OC called her momma @home to tell her about the ballgame (lost again, but did better this time)...she couldn't be reached. They don't have an answering machine. OW called about 8 or 9 p.m. to ask about game (talked to fWH a minute because I couldn't get indoors quick enough to answer phone). NOW, how come she could run-the-roads w/out a car for 1/2 the day & night, but couldn't come to the 3pm ballgame for OC?????? YEP, that "good mommy" routine was just-an-act. Like NOT taking OC to see toddler sister @church during their Christmas play. OC isn't even sure if OW attends church every Sunday anymore....still hoping she's going to remain a Christian and QUIT the stupid NC-breaking. She even skipped Wed church last week to take OC to dinner/movie for her b-day, she'd not have done that months ago (skip church @all).
It think it all depends on the your H's attitude. If they are remorseful for the pain that they have inflicted, if they own their own shit and not blame you for what they did wrong I think that makes a difference.
For us, we had to build a new marriage, a new relationship. I am not that naive blind trusting wife anymore, and he is not that sneaky conniving person he used to be. It is a cold world out there, and he found out that was not where he wanted to be. I got my children's permission before I let him come back, and it took some 2 plus years as I was saying previously. He had to prove that he was remorseful, he had to rebuild trust and respect not just with me but with all of the kids. He had hurt the OC as well by giving them a some time father and leaving them living in those deplorable conditions. I still check his phone every once in a while, because I know I can, not because I have to. He is a better husband and father today than he ever was before. I had to change to, I had to learn to listen and communicate when something was wrong,and work with him as a partner. He got so use to me handling everything, that he thought he could go out there and live the single life.
You both have to want different and rebuild a different relationship. If my h still had that entitlement attitude, he would have been out on his ass and he knows it.
As far as OW as mothers, think about what they did to get the OC. Unfortunately for most the OC is an object to keep the MM tied to them and they don't have the same motherly instincts that some of us have. I gave up trying to figure the OW out, how she could carry 6 children, give birth to them, and now not have any of them, other people raising them and not care. Honestly I don't know if she cares, and I don't care about her feelings. My job right now in life, is to make sure that her kids feel the love and security that any child deserves.
((Mandilwen)), I am so sorry that OW is choosing the name that you would have picked. What that means to me is that your WH shared that with her and that is one of the things that hurt me the most was that they share personal information about us. I am so sorry.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 8:40 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)]
I have not forgiven, not yet, I am closer every day but havent reached that point. I have not had to look at OC every day though. I dont think I could forgive if that were my situation.
I forgot to mention. fWH/OW were so chummy, that he told her about an xGF who had a baby (turned out to not be his). He had helped her raise the child & even given her a first name. Well, OW asked fWH what that NOT-baby's name was, even though he'd not seen the child since the mother left & told him the baby wasn't his (he was a teen). OW chose to give OC the middle name of the non-baby. Kinda tied OC to that xGF's child's memory. Like, she wanted to make OC as-special as his first child (not-child). When fWH got his name added to BC & changed OC's last name to his, I begged him to change the middle name...to Melody, so we'd have our own special name to call OC @home. He didn't even ask. OW didn't even ask fWH if it was OKAY to use the middle name, she just did it (it's actually a very horrible middle name, which I wouldn't blame OC for dropping when she gets married). I think it hurt him that the not-baby's memory was used on OC's name. (OW's toddler's middle name even rhymes w/OC's middle name & spelled both oddly). OW even told OC that her "daddy" named her....he had no say-so whatsoever...made me sick when OC told me that OW was telling her that her daddy named her. Another way to try & make OC's birth seem like fWH was involved.
Beajus, PM me & let me know how court went....
I soooo understand what you are talking about, these OW having babies to try to keep our FWH in lifes forever, or try to win them over with the pregnancy. (like they are some high school girls) I remember girls in high school who used to say they were pregnant, when a guy would break up with them, in desperate attempt to get the guy to stay with them.
The OW also named one of the twins after my husband, using his first name, as one of the twins middle name. FWH is a third generation name, it has been a Sr., Jr., III. SO why did she think he wanted to carry his name on, if he did not name his first born son after him.
I also found it odd that she hyphinated (can't spell)the last name with her ex-husabands name, and my FWH last name. Why would the OC need to have her X's last name.. I still do not get that. But this is all water under the bridge, what can we do about that now....
Beajus: just dont feel like you need to rush forgiveness, it is something that you will know when it happens, and time is the only way to achieve that. I can honestly say, that the more I learn to accept what happened, and FWH shows remose the little closer I become."I will never accept or forgive OW for what she did, it would take a tremendous act from GOD to achieve that, though... NEVER!!!!, I don't owe her anything, to have to do that, to make me feel better.
She also said "don't forget, OC has basketball practice @8-9pm tonight." Guess it was too cold @night for her to get out, or make arrangements for BH#2 to find-a-ride home from work.
We have OC Thurs night too, as it's our week & had her all day Monday (no school MLK Jr. day).
Why doesn't she just give OC to fWH? If she's such an inconvience in her SAHM lifestyle, since she basically either refuses to get-a-job (while her family struggles for $$$ & had vehicles repossessed), or her husband doesn't want her away-from-home (like whatever she was doing Saturday that was too important to come see OC play basketball only about 30min drive from our HOME court).
BH#2 called me while we were waiting for pickup last evening also, as they were going to be late to park....brrrr...it's about 32 degrees & OC and I had to sit just a few minutes longer. Surprised OW let BH#2 speak w/me. AND, it really URKS me when OW or BH#2 use my nickname that's ONLY reserved for fWH (I let ILs use it 2, but would prefer otherwise).
Oh well. OC will be warm, well-fed, & safe @home w/us tonight. One more kid to get ready tomorrow morning, but hopefully she'll get up & get ready (she's a lazy-bones in-the-morning, grumping & pulling cover overhead), since she has new b-day clothes to show-off @school.
that's right! You DO know that once she's older she's going to know all the things we already do... that she was loved and cared for by YOU, that she was wanted by YOU (not in the beginning but hopefully you know what i mean), that her needs were met by YOU!!
Will Pm you back in a min.
I was thinking about them a little while ago :)
AuntCis taught me everyone deals with OC differantly and all ways are ok... and i miss her......
And, why do I know about OW's virginity? fWH felt compelled to tell me. But, when OW was on her little porch....I was in our (fWH's & my) bed sleeping soundly with his arms wrapped around me - living in our home. While I had been woo'd & fWH created a romantic fireside my first time, OW was getting a quickie on the porch while her mother listened.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 1:59 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)]
A girl i went to school with, her step mom put her on birth control as her 12th birthday present...... sad :(
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 2:19 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)]
I just talked to AuntCis this morning and she is doing great! I spoke with Lynne01 last week, she is still on her own, but she is strong and doing what she needs to.