He asked me what was wrong and I just went upstairs into our bedroom and shut the door. I cannot deal with this- I'm a stay at home mom so my kids & my family are my life. To boot we only have one car that we have to share (although he's not very good at sharing) & I don't have many other mommy friends since WH isn't so social. That must've been a lie since he can go out and get drunk with her .
Please, please, please someone tell me that it will get better and that if need be I can make it alone. I just don't know what to do, where to go from here.
It will get better and you can make it on your own. I was in the same situation a few years back. I was a SAHM for the most part. Always thought my stbx's loose boundaries with the girlies would have me in this situation, so I started going to college. I got my first full-time job about two years ago. I did all of my schooling online through our local community college so I could stay at home with my oldest son. I'm scared about doing this on my own as well, but I don't know why. He was in the Marine Corps, deployed for half of our marriage, and I did it all by myself. The scary thing for me, I guess, is the financial aspect and dating, lol! He was my first and only boyfriend, so I am terrified to date. Especially now that I have two kids and I am about to turn 32! Life goes on. I would like for it to stop for a minute so I can clear my head, but it won't. You do what you got to do. Being a SAHM is hard. It taught me valuable lessons with multitasking and getting things done that my boss is always amazed with my work, lol! My kids and family were my life as well, but now is the time to start working on YOU. Can you enroll in a local college? I was able to have all of my schooling paid for and get money through the federal government. You can PM me and I can help you out with some of the stuff if you're interested. I know how sucky it is to be doing the best for your family and in the back of your mind wondering what could happen. If you want to R, I hope you and hubby can rebuild a good marriage. But it is empowering to know that you can do this alone if you need too. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you!
She cannot call his phone
She cannot email him
He will only call two times a month
She has to remain a "secret"
Who goes for this? Who would accept this? I would be mad if I could not call his phone, email him, or have to remain a "secret"! I would also not be sleeping with someone I knew was married either, but oh well. So what does she do? Gives him her password to her secret email account so they can communicate. How do I know? I am that smart. I also got him to give me the password to said secret email account. They are clearly stuck in the high school mind set. She is giving him until the end of January to leave me or they are DONE. So he replies back: I don't like being told what to do, so do what you got to do. Her reply: Sorry, I didn't mean it like that but this situation really sucks for me. I luuuuuv you soooo muuuuuch!
Really? I need to step back and grab some popcorn because this can't be good! Told him he needs to leave by the end of January, boundary was crossed. No secret contact with the girl or you're out. Also told him I will be hooking up for a frisky little evening with someone in a couple months so I would like him out of my life as much as possible as soon as possible. He says "I always knew you would end up sleeping around." Told him "what or who I do is none of your business anymore and I don't care what you think of me".
Guess who is soooo sorry and has no place to go, won't be talking with her no more, yada, yada, yada.....too little too late. Maybe I let him come home next week or not. Just need to be away from him for now!
So, I have cussed a lot tonight and need to go wash my mouth out now. I totally hope it was okay to vent in here, didn't read this boards guidelines! If I ever come on here allowing someone to treat me like this, please 2x4 me, lol!
Edited to remove lots of cuss words and less venting, sorry!
[This message edited by Mandilwen at 11:27 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]
She just introduced me to OC as a friend (haha Right!?!)And she said that if FWH wanted to see OC again, she would introduce him the same way until he was sure he wanted to be her dad. While I don't think that is a bad idea - I'm 100% sure I trust her. But I guess it would be her fault if OC got hurt if she didn't stay true to her word and FWH decided not to see her again.
If it wasn't for the explanations and confessions to family about the whole situation, I think I could do it. I think I could welcome her into our lives and truly be okay with it. But I will still leave it up to FWH and not push him at all one way or another.
If you think OC is being well cared and stuff I wouldnt push FWH to see her.. HOWEVER if you think OW is not doing her job as a parent then I might push him to be in contact. OC will eventutally start questioning things.. 5 or 6 seems to be when it's really coming up. (At least for my kids, this was the age when they started to question why FWh and I weren' t married so i figure an absent parent owuld come up about the same time).
OC has a pic of FWH holding her at the hospital. It is the only pic she has of him (except what she possibly stole of FB shortly after d-day). So she occaisionally asks to call her "dad" and they do. If FWH can talk to her, he will for a few minutes. But he just isn't sure he wants to bring more possible drama into our lives - I don't think she has grown up that much.
Saturday had 2 bb games for OC, the first team (5pm) was a no-show, so we got to practice for 1 hour instead. OW texted that BH#2 was working on car, tell OC I'll be @2nd game at 7pm. OC ran around in between games w/her cousin (her Auntie, cousins, & Auntie's husband were there since before 5pm). Her female cousin (she's probably 10 or 11) came & stood near fWH w/a friend for a while, because fWH wouldn't let OC run all over the gym (like they had been doing) and she wanted to visit w/OC. OC had her PSP & went to sit w/OW's sister (w/permission), but her cousin brought it back to fWH when OC went to play game#2 "fWH, OC told me to give this 2 you." Called him by name, really awkward, but we smiled & said thanks. Then, during the game, the male cousin (probably 8 or 9) came & sat w/DS10 for the whole game or ran around behind us on bleachers. DS10 shared some snacks w/him & played monster cars with him some also. Did Auntie put her 2 kids up to this, or do their kids just enjoy being around us?
Here's the bizarre part. BH#2 husband didn't sit beside OW @game, only 1 row down. He waved & smile @fWH twice during game. After game, he hugged & hugged OC (very odd), so did OW (we've had her for 1 week, minus Monday night). They didn't ask for her back early or anything this weekend, even though OW hadn't seen her since Tuesday morning. OW must have recovered from the horrible cold that kept her from getting OC all week, she was all dolled up @both games (even wore contacts & did her hair in an all-over spike - she has very short boyish haircut). AFTER the game & after hugging OC, we were all getting our coats on. BH#2 walks right over & starts chatting with DS10 "what kind of game do you have, we have a Wii @home, I heard you got one for Christmas - we don’t play ours much." BH#2 got DS10 to turn his game on (it was off), then chatted with DS13 about games. fWH was about 2 ft from BH#2 & getting mad. I held my hand out, so fWH wouldn't roll up on him in his wheelchair…he was pushing back toward my arm. fWH was mad @me for holding him back. He was going to tell him to "get the F*CK away from my sons." I knew fWH was angry, but what does he have to be angry about (BH#2 should be the pissed one for A#3 in 2008)? They are playing games or something w/us. Just really weird. BH#2 didn't say a word to me or fWH (thank GOD). OW had texted that they were late due to him working on car, but I think they were fighting & maybe he came up to us for spite. OW didn't even follow him w/toddler OC’s sister, she just walked out of gym w/her Auntie’s family.
what is the point to all these stupid head games?! It just makes you want to shake them and say "how old are you really?"
OC has RSV and OW had been sending snarky texts about how little she slept, how OC's breathing is bad, how he is suffering and FWH just doesn't get to see it. I was taking FWH out Sat for his birthday and FWH asked if OC needed anything. His Dr said to give him Pedialyte, so we took him some on Sat before we went on our outing. OW said "I guess I am ruining your plans" but we went out anyway.
FWH said he would not go in as he was sick and did not want to make OC worse, her other S met FWH at the door and took the stuff. I think OW was mad he wouldn't go in. She later sent something about OC is barely sleeping, but just enjoy your day. We did, had a real date and some other fun also.
OC was dehydrated and went to ER Sunday, but they did not admit him or even give an IV. OW told BIL when OC was sent home, not FWH. Just stupid, immature mind games!
I don't know why the head games. OW will be 33 on April 1st & BH#2 is 40. You would think they're too old for that type of behavior, but who knows. There may have been something that prompted BH#2s behavior @ballgames this weekend. Neither of them are our friends & just because we are nice to OCs cousins @ballgames, it does not mean we want to be around anyone in OC's "other" family. Even the kids being around us is very uncomfortable. OW/fWH aren't ex-spouses, they're ex-Adulterers, but little kids don't know that. Their parents should be the ones making them sit down & behave & not bother us during games.
I am sorry your fWH's OW is playing headgames also. It is good that it didn't ruin his B-day celebration though. I guess he was supposed to say "Oh, let me take OC off your hands, since it's sick right now...U've been such a good mommy & now U need a rest. Let me come over & take care of you too." For us, we've been given OC when she's very sick, contagious (even though we had 2 other kids @home even b4 she had a sibling there), and had her come home w/severe diaper rashes & skin problems. Taken her to Dr. appts @Children's hospital because OW didn't want to. And I've personally set up w/OC crying, probably more than OW. Don't let OW play that card on you....if she chooses to NOT ask for you guys to take OC when sick (or is limiting visitation), then she gets all the joys & trials of being a parent. Isn't that what she wanted, a child by fWH to forever tie her to him?
Set up a call tone for OW's calls to fWH's cell of Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River." For other reasons, I set it up on fWH's phone (w/out him knowing) after D-day#3....then I changed it to "Here's a Quarter, call someone who cares." Make it clear to her, that even though you are concerned about OC's health, that fWH has obligations to his family that matter also. Actually, she kinda started it, because she set up her call tone to Alanis Morisette's "I'm a B*TCH."
I am glad you guys were able to enjoy date night. I had hoped for date night this weekend, but we are expecting 2-10 inches of snow, depending on how the cold front travels. I guess we'll have to hide out in bedroom for our datenight, if we're stuck @home w/3 yahoos playing video games in the living room all weekend!
No ballgames this weekend :) I'm free!
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:09 AM, January 26th (Tuesday)]
For us, we've been given OC when she's very sick, contagious (even though we had 2 other kids @home even b4 she had a sibling there), and had her come home w/severe diaper rashes & skin problems. Taken her to Dr. appts @Children's hospital because OW didn't want to.
VD is cut fromt that same cloth, it seems.
My littlest (OC#2) was CONSTANTLY ill when his donor had custody of him. He's been sick maybe 3 times in the 3 years since we gained custody of the children.
Kinda proves to me that the kids were just a means to an end and the donor never really saw them as seperate humans that had needs that exceeded her own.
I guess they had a nice chat about OC's bad behavior also. I guess we're not the only ones that are seeing OC being rude, backtalking, & being mean to siblings (as she's even being mean to her toddler sister). I suspect that the tension in both households impacts her behavior quite a bit.
Anyway. Should I just let it slide about NC-breaking, or remind him about what he agreed to? I just don't want them getting friendly & EA/PA#4 happen....GOD, I don't want to have to D him, but I cannot take ANY further EA or other intimacy w/OW & fWH.
Maybe bring it up as "this would mean a lot to me if" and explain why, that you are worried about boundaries, slippery slope etc. That way, you're not playing "mean mommy" to FWH. This way, you put the choice on him, it's not like he's not doing it so he won't "get in trouble" but because he cares about how you feel. For your peace of mind.
To me, it's not like you're not allowing any C, just some groundrules. With the repeated A's, it doesn't seem too much to ask. Maybe stress to him that his relationship is with OC, not OW. He cannot control OW or how she raises OC when she has OC, and you cannot control FWH. Just tell him how you feel, IMHO.
I am trying to learn to express my feelings about what I feel is appropriate rather than just laying down the law to FWH. But, he is trying to respect my feelings on the boundary situation. Of course, we are just 5 weeks out with OC.
OW texted that we could keep OC tonight (her night), since she wouldn't be able to get out tomorrow to bring us OC if weather got bad. Huh? She didn't have her all week (except Mon) last week, why didn't she say "if it snows, I will just keep OC since it'll be unsafe to get out, unless it doesn't snow or something." I could dropoff OC @6pm 2night as-usual (no snow on ground right now).
It does tickle me to know that OW is seeing the tantrums & "I don't want to get up for school" that we've seen lately.
OC locked a cat in her room & it was trapped all-day last week (while she was @school)...can U guess what the room smells like. Guess we'll be rummaging around under the bed (or moving it) to clean up whatever was deposited there.
I hope OC didn't tell her momma that we have a nasty/stinky house. All the dishes were done by me last night & the laundry was finished by fWH (I still have a few loads to fold 2n).
That's all we need, is child services coming for a visit, if OW gets pissed @us over something.
OH, and Soc. Sec. cannot tell fWH who is receiving the $$$ for OC or why, they said we have to make an appt w/local SS office & they might be able to tell fWH there. fWH has a call into the local office.
Anyway. OW, who never calls about OC or for OC (well hardly ever), just happened to call. fWH looked @caller ID & said it was OW, so I answered instead of him. She claimed OC's sister wanted to talk 2 her & put her on phone. Very suspicious.
BTW: OC said BH#2 quit truckdriving school, so he could be @home & took a job in town (on top of his 2nd job @fitness center - cashier etc, probably comes w/free membership).
fWH said he'd asked OW the other day about why BH#2 came over to us. She said she had no clue he was going 2 do it, until he just walked over. She thinks he is trying to just forget the whole thing (EA/PA#3) happened. She's looked like she was crying many times lately. I am wondering if she's crying over fWH or if she & BH#2 are fighting a lot. She had sunglasses on the other day also, which makes me wonder if she is being abused. Maybe her sending OC here so much, is for a completely different reason than I thought. P.S. she looked unsick @ballgames.
Have a nice snowy weekend guys. I'm praying for you that everything works out for each & every one of your families.