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Passive Aggressive Relationships

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dreamlife posted 8/7/2009 22:06 PM

Has anyone's WS been diagnosed as having ODD?
(Oppositional Defiant Disorder)

If I say "black"... he says "white"...my replying "Yes" is met by his "No", etc.
Is very dis-loyal. (His friends come first).
Argumentative (as is his entire family).
Its like living with a lazy teenager who needs constant mothering & "reminding".
Its miserable. Especially the constant raging and ARGUMENTS.

heartbroken_kk posted 8/8/2009 15:08 PM

mothering and reminding.... classic co-dependent behaviors that feed into his passive-aggressive ones.

He fails to live up to his agreements and responsibilities.

You cover for him.

It's a parent-child dynamic instead of a partnership of equals.

he's disloyal because he resents you parenting him.

But he sets you up to be his manager, his mommy. Because he can't live up to his responsibilities on his own.

kk

tryin2smile posted 8/13/2009 20:19 PM

OMG, OMG, OMG I wish I'd seen this thread sooner! This describes our relationship to a T! I have progressively gotten bitchier over our 16 year marriage and now I know why! It was always in response to his broken promises and needing to keep him in line. Well, he walked out on me, presumably for another woman - still denies, but all the evidence points to it. When he left he promised to help me with everything around the house... big surprise, didn't happen. He started blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life. He completely tanked at work, superiors hate him because he failed follow through on promises. You can break promises to the wife but can't get away with it at work. Well anyway, he's blamed me for everything that went wrong in the relationship. According to him, his only misstep was not sticking up for himself sooner.
I think it's too late to repair the marriage (gone 2.5 mos, major anger towards me, basically no contact except for necessary texting) but I am so happy that I now know why I felt like I was turning into such a bitch...

shushpuppy posted 8/20/2009 01:59 AM

I am so glad i found this site too. Been married for 25 years to a PA man and its been one thing after another with him.

Married 7 years and he had a relationship with his best friends wife! He couldnt understand why everyone was so upset about it! Virtually blamed me for the entire thing because according to him i was too good at being a "mum" to our two beautiful kids and not good enough as a "wife"!

He never talks! Has a face constantly set in stone and walks about on a daily basis looking like his world just ended. He believes i am a mind reader and should know what his problems are without even asking. He controls everyone with his facial gestures and body language.

chicstyler posted 8/24/2009 00:03 AM

My IC/MC mentioned that my WH could possibly be PA. I am definitely the Mommy figure .I try so hard to get him to think on his own but he flatly refuses. The only ways he has ever done anything on his own were the 3 OW's in his life. The last OW was anEA that lasted 21 yrs. with X-W until he got caught.Life is just a laugh a minute!

heartbroken_kk posted 8/25/2009 16:54 PM

Cute, so latest WH angle is to tell me what I can and can't tell him when I'm upset.

I tell him "I feel like you don't care about my needs. It seems to me like you think my needs are unreasonable and you..."

and he cuts me off "Don't tell me what I'm thinking!!!"

So apparently sharing the thoughts in my head, my own ideas, feelings, and mind movies, if they involve speculating about him, I should just keep it to myself. Because I can't tell him what he's thinking.

ARRGGGH

kk

hopefulnz posted 8/25/2009 16:59 PM

Hi Heartbroken

I understand exactly what you are talking about.

In my case I wouldn't have to guess what my H was feeling if he would tell me - but he won't.

I guess then I might know too much about him...

Innocence Lost posted 8/25/2009 17:13 PM

[This message edited by Innocence Lost at 8:10 PM, August 29th (Saturday)]

shushpuppy posted 8/28/2009 03:12 AM

I constantly get told that my feelings are wrong!

If i suggest i am feeling hurt by something he has done or said its wrong!

Constantly told that i dont know what he is thinking and that i over-analyse him too much.

Hello! well open your mouth and tell me how you do feel then and maybe we could live hapilly ever after!

realitybites posted 8/30/2009 23:17 PM

This is going to sound weird probably but does anyone have a P/A who creates or manipulates a drama situation or a crisis to seek attention or approval?

so_sick78 posted 9/4/2009 11:58 AM

Omg!! That's sounds exactly like my relationship. I thought I was crazy, he said I was crazy. I wish i had heard about this website before, it may have save may relationship. But it's comforting to know that there are others that feel like this too and not crazy.

Abouttherenow posted 9/4/2009 19:47 PM

Yaye, thank you for being here. My SO is an alchoholic and is passive aggressive. He is controlling, and yet a wonderful caregiver. He was married to someone with borderline personality disorder which left him emotionally damaged. He will not discuss any disagreements, he just leaves. When I read "Living with the Passive-Aggresive Man", I was shocked. Fits like a glove. Another good book is "Verbally Abusive Relationship". I'm so glad for ya'll.

Eight13 posted 9/4/2009 21:00 PM

Bump.

Thank you for this thread! Now I just need to figure out how I can stop seeking the p-a man. Because I'm very good at finding them.

shushpuppy posted 9/7/2009 02:45 AM

Has anyone been accused by their PA spouse of being an emotional bully!

I did on Saturday! Confronting him about his behaviour is emotional bullying apparently and the silent treatment is all about the fear i instill in him!

Standing up for me and having strong boundaries is pure and simple bullying!

When he is acting out i should ignore it and think nothing. When he does something in ya face selfish i should smile sweetly and accept my fate. Saying "no" to all this bullcrap is bullying and makes him feel intimidated!

OMG i could pull my hair out one by one this man is so frustrating to live with.

Abouttherenow posted 9/11/2009 01:13 AM

shush puppy A big YES, i FEEL YOU. What do you do? Any confrontation that comes up, no matter how it is framed, no matter how important it is- you are the MEANIE. It will be turned on you and You ( at least I end up apologizing, all the while being so ticked off, but I do it anyway) and you are the bad guy always. Maybe your person is better. It just seems imposssible ti have any discussion of any kind- nothing is ever resolved, there is never a kiss and make-up. It is a kiss somebody's *^$ and then drop it. Does your go to the bedroom and go to bed with door shut? or just leave?

[This message edited by Abouttherenow at 1:15 AM, September 11th (Friday)]

shushpuppy posted 9/11/2009 01:57 AM

Any problem brought up and he just sits there blanking me. He refuses to defend himself, explain his actions and just blatantly stares at the wall, the tv or anything to make it appear like he is not listening. I have tried being nice about problems, using lots of "I feel" statements, I have shouted at him, I have cried infront of him. You name it i have tried it and the same response is a deafening silence. Its then straight into a few days of the silent treatment from him!

Latest argument was about him refusing to call at the grocery store for me because as he said "He didnt want anything so he wasnt calling in there just for me"!!! despite the fact i cook every single meal he eats and wash every single item of clothing he wears!! He couldnt accept that it was selfish behaviour on his part and said i was just "Miss Goody Two Shoes" then went on to ignore me for the whole evening for telling him i felt upset by his behaviour.

His favourite get out clause is "I dont know i am doing the things you accuse me of"!!!! Pffffffffft!!!!!!!

He used to go to bed and lock the bedroom door but i took the locks off hehehehe. Now he sits there and zones out with the television on. Sometimes he is so rude he even turns the volume up to dround out the sound of my voice which infuriates me no end. This is when i leave the room and write in my journal to get my angries out.

Now it seems that "journalling" is even hacking him off as he told me that "normal" people dont journal, only people with mental health problems do it! Walking away instead of talking to a man that doesnt want to hear a word i have to say and journalling is apparently causing our marriage problems whereas talking to him is bullying so what the hell am i supposed to do?

Anyone have any ideas on how to communicate with these people because after 25 years with him it seems i still dont get it!

futureseemsbleak posted 9/11/2009 08:04 AM

I too lived with a PA H for 25 years...it was all so hurtful for years when I was so innocent. Now, I am beginning to understand the whys in so many ways.

WS never planned any vacations for us or the family...I was always the manager...did every kind of paperwork that needed to be done. I oftened wondered why he couldn't plan a "surprise getaway" that would make me feel wanted...never happened.

And, as the years flew by his behavior got worse and now I totally recognize all the hidden angry and hostility inside him. The hurtful comments he projected to his family only to make him feel better and in control of himself.

When he decided to take on a project, I would learn to bite my tongue because I knew he would lash out at me for wanting some other color than him etc. Could never take any constructive criticism even at work...his angry and protectant disagreements became more evident after 15 years and he lost his job.

Blames me for everything and now when he rewrite marital history, it sounds so immature and stupid! Lies too are so evident now.

Sadly, he refuses to be accountable for anything that went wrong with our M. He had so many good traits and also very good at sales, a master manipulator. All along and unknowingly ruining his self image for those closest to him.

Great post!! PA seems to include so many BPDs and so difficult for them to see. Our tug of war has never become anything but limbo. Of course, it will be my choice and my decision to remedy the situation or move forward with a D...most likely when WS has just run away from himself and won't face anything...

heartbroken_kk posted 9/12/2009 23:56 PM

Wondering if anyone out there has dealt with their P/A partner or self going through IC or MC to try to work on the issues that started them on the path to being passive-aggressive.

Our MC says she has worked with other PA people and knows what is going on, but I don't know how much of that is just her trying to calm my nerves.

She told us that the PA thoughts and behaviors that my WH is dealing with go back 40 years, not just the 11 that we've been together, and that the As he had were way more related to the first 30 years of his life than the last 10.

I would love to hear from anyone - anyone - who has felt that counseling has helped, even in small ways, to create new ways of thinking/behaving for themselves or their PA partner.

kk

realitybites posted 9/13/2009 08:19 AM

WS never planned any vacations for us or the family...I was always the manager...did every kind of paperwork that needed to be done. I oftened wondered why he couldn't plan a "surprise getaway" that would make me feel wanted...never happened.

And, as the years flew by his behavior got worse and now I totally recognize all the hidden angry and hostility inside him. The hurtful comments he projected to his family only to make him feel better and in control of himself.

When he decided to take on a project, I would learn to bite my tongue because I knew he would lash out at me for wanting some other color than him etc. Could never take any constructive criticism even at work...his angry and protectant disagreements became more evident after 15 years and he lost his job.

Blames me for everything and now when he rewrite marital history, it sounds so immature and stupid! Lies too are so evident now.

FSB....could have written ALL of that myself.

My H seemed to be better for awhile but I feel it happening all over again. He stayed at the job that fostered the A, he has stayed at this place of work even after I have begged him to leave. I have had to swallow my pride as he emotionally could not move on from this place. I have accepted that he works there thru the last 4 years even when I continue to plead with him to leave, go find anything else.

Now his work place is imploding once again, he is being cut back hours (this time not his fault but I once again kept telling him he was so much better, could get a job anywhere, this place was falling apart) yet he will not leave. Will not look for another job, just tells me how he can't or how no one will hire him and just won't do it. Its almost like he purposely implodes his life somehow someway and then looks to me to pick up the pieces.

heartbroken_kk posted 9/15/2009 17:46 PM

OMG, this is the first definition of codependence I've seen that seems to really fit me.... (bolding is my own).

Codependence definition from Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependence :

Symptoms of codependence may include controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance, or physical illness related to stress.[4] Codependence is often accompanied by clinical depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over their inability to improve their situation.

* tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one's own
* continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others
* anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation
* difficulty expressing feelings
* excessive worry how others may respond to one's feelings
* undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others
* self-esteem dependent on approval by others
* tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others


anyone else here see themselves in this???

kk

tryin2smile posted 9/15/2009 18:09 PM

wow. totally, totally see myself in that description.

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