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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

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User Topic: Passive Aggressive Relationships
alreadygone
♀ Member
Member # 11517
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 23rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 3 years divorced.

I remember a time when I would read the Living with a PA man book, and hide it, bc I knew if x (then h) would find it, it would upset him and then he would use his favorite anger technique, the silent treatment.

Good grief.

I believe there is hope for every pa person who can take responsibility for his (generic he) actions.

But if he does not, there is probably no hope.

I look back over the 20 years I knew my best friend/husband. I look at who I used to be. I look at the behaviors that we fell into.

I went from stating directly how I felt about something he did or did not do, and then, years later, how I would absent myself from a situation to cry in private bc of something he did or did not do. I had to cry in private bc I had already learned that it must have been my fault to be upset bc of something he did or did not do, bc he never did anything wrong, and my being upset at him was then, of course, my fault, and my problem.

Yep. Crazymaking at its exquisite best.

It was a terrible terrible way to live.

I am still recovering.

Good luck to us all as we try to reclaim ourselves.


Posts: 1011 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: mountain states
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 23rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was pregnant. I remember crying and he would yell at me as if to say, 'what the hell is wrong with you' I just wanted him to hold me, tell me he was sorry, or just that it'd be okay.
NEVER..yes I look back at the person I was, and I think deep inside I am. I am miserable now.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little humor in the house this morning...

For those of you who are living with a P/A type, here's a hopeful sign that maybe they can start seeing their behaviors and maybe even modify them...

Me: Could I get you to do XX? (unpleasant task neither of us wants to do)

WH: Um, could I just passively not respond to that question?

Me: Sure, if you can get task XX done without me, no response is required.

WH: Yo dog, come here, I have a job for you!

Me: Ha ha ha. Dog needs opposable thumbs for that.

WH: Darnit!


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry duplicate post

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 6:46 PM, May 26th (Tuesday)]


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know I have been thinking. My Ic says My co-dependece began when I was young. My mother was inaffectual and my father had PTSD.

But I didn't exhibit such CO-Dep behavior until about the time I became pregnant. I have always been a team player, but I am ambitious and hardworking, so I make a good leader. I have never been demanding, but WH H at the time, had me convinced that I was demeaning, demanding and condecending.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
WhiteWolfWinning
♀ Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look back over the 20 years I knew my best friend/husband. I look at who I used to be. I look at the behaviors that we fell into.

I went from stating directly how I felt about something he did or did not do, and then, years later, how I would absent myself from a situation to cry in private bc of something he did or did not do. I had to cry in private bc I had already learned that it must have been my fault to be upset bc of something he did or did not do, bc he never did anything wrong, and my being upset at him was then, of course, my fault, and my problem.

Oh my God. I could have written that. Our relationship started out being so open - nothing held back (or so I thought). Then, very slowly, the walls went up and very, very,slowly, I crawled into the tiny hole that was "my place". The compliant, perfect wife. Don't make waves. Don't over react. Everything can be excused away and it is ALWAYS someone else's fault.

I feel like I have been let out of prison. I am 2.5 years S and 6 months D. My X is still P/A and it is still difficult sometimes because we have a child (soon to be off to college) and a home that we will be selling. Still, I no longer have to deal with his punishing silent treatment when I would dare to ask for something simple - something normal.

I ignore most of his P/A stuff now becasue I CAN! Nobody will ever treat me like that again. Never, EVER, will I retreat into the lonely hell of believing that asking for my needs to be met from the man I thought was my life partner was asking too much.

wolf

[This message edited by WhiteWolfWinning at 6:24 PM, May 26th (Tuesday)]


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
brokenapart
♀ Member
Member # 8309
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never, EVER, will I retreat into the lonely hell of believing that asking for my needs to be met from the man I thought was my life partner was asking too much.

me neither wolf. Isn't it nice to be in the sunshine again?


me- BS
2 great kids
Divorced & living again.

"Let go or get dragged" - beaner

Life is Good


Posts: 10647 | Registered: Sep 2005
WhiteWolfWinning
♀ Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, May 26th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a long crawl, but it sure as heck is nice to bein the sunshine again! (not planning to leave it)
Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 27th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was rudely interrupted by aWH who needed me to get offline to play his video games.

Anyway... what I was getting to was that our relationship started off fine too. I was independent and carefree, we had a lot of fun and really didn't argue much for the first year. Even after we bought the house, we still seemed to have similar priorities. But then asking/reminding H to taje out the trash became an arguement..."stop nagging me" but if I didn't remind him he wouldn't do it. Then I would come home to a messy kitchen and he was playing games. He began to observe that all I did when I walked in the house was complain. I soon began to see a therepist for these behaviors...I was convinced that it was me, I was pushy and rude and negative...I really wasn't like this before.

Did anyone else find that these people turn basically healthy people into Co-Dep?


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 27th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Passive/Aggressive is another term for Responsibility Avoider.

If you can figure out some way to get someone else to do the things you don't want to do, or take responsibility for the things you don't want to be held accountable for, why not let sloth take over your life? Sooo much easier when someone else does all the work. If you are clever you can get away with this for years before the other person has finally HAD IT.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
WhiteWolfWinning
♀ Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 27th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone else find that these people turn basically healthy people into Co-Dep?

In my case, I was a prime candidate for the role of co-dependent. I am a conusmmate people pleaser and, the more I did to become the model of the understanding wife, the more he upped the ante. It was so gradual, I didn't see it until I was looking at it in my rear-view mirror.

I allowed a lot of nonesense to go on that I never should have tolerated. I do own tnat, but never again.

PAs are msaters at manipulation. The crazymaking can drive all but the strongest individuals right over the edge.

Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 28th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can figure out some way to get someone else to do the things you don't want to do, or take responsibility for the things you don't want to be held accountable for, why not let sloth take over your life?

This must be why he is saying we are getting S's because I want it or because he's respecting my needs.

Forget that it was an ultimatum..."her or me"


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
LOL_NOT
New Member
Member # 23922
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 28th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so stressed out with my scorpio [another one] P/A partner. This thread has given me great comfort. Thank you all for posting your thoughts. As I read, I keep saying "yes that's what I'm going throug!" I feel less isolated and less crazy because you have taken the time to put words to my feelings. I'm SO exhausted dealing with this P/A crap that I can't even think straight anymore, little lone post...So thank you for keeping this thread going..cuz it's been a life saving coping mechanism for me

Posts: 13 | Registered: May 2009
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 28th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a little bit of a puzzler for the rest of you. Has your partner, who you believe is Passive-Aggressive, told you that he or she thinks YOU are Passive-Aggressive?

Oh yes! And I BELIEVED IT!

This is the stuff that really made me crazy.

She also said the same thing of her XH. I realize now that this was all projection.

She also accused me of being an addict, OCD, ADHD, Asperger's, you name it. I have enough problems with self-doubt as it is (I take 100% ownership of that, and I'm working on it - IC). Then I had to deal with that. Then I had to deal with her cheating.

But since she started IC, she has come to grips with some little insights about herself like: when she was a child, she was taught that it was not okay to show feelings, especially anger.

ding ding ding ding ding ding!

Okay - so here's the deal with me. Yeah, I'll blow off taking out the garbage, or I'll forget. You know what? I'm not denying it, or blaming someone else. I can admit fault. (can you tell I'm sensitive about it? It's actually kind of triggery for me now) I have my priorities in clear alignment. Sometimes, other things take higher priority, (and it sure as hell wasn't playing video games or any of that).

So, sometimes, I'd remind myself to take out the garbage in the morning, then I'd get wrapped up in the rush to get out of the house to work, and forget.
Then she'd accuse me of "forgetting" (on purpose).

And I believed it.

Sometimes - people really DO forget. You know what? They're human. We all are. All we can do is our best - right? I think I function pretty darn well. I'm even a perfectionist in some regard, when it comes to things I really think matter (like being a good provider). In my mind - taking out the garbage doesn't matter as much as getting the kids to school and getting to work on time. (And I will "own" the fact that I have some big anxiety issues about this - and that's all about self-esteem.)

Oh my God. I could have written that. Our relationship started out being so open - nothing held back (or so I thought). Then, very slowly, the walls went up and very, very,slowly, I crawled into the tiny hole that was "my place". The compliant, perfect wife. Don't make waves. Don't over react. Everything can be excused away and it is ALWAYS someone else's fault.

Yeah - this describes me. (husband, not wife) - and no, I wasn't perfect. But I tried to be.
My IC tells me that this is the thinking of an abuse victim. When one is emotionally abused, one keeps trying to please the abuser, in hopes that if one just tries hard enough, the abuse will stop. And it never does, until the victim gets out of that mindset, and stops it.

. . . . Then I would come home to a messy kitchen and he was playing games.

OMG - with me, it was messy kitchen, FWW (SAHM) taking a nap. She absolutely refuses to ever wipe the countertop. (She didn't the first three years). I actually got her to admit once: if the kids wont clean up after themselves, she's not going to do it. So basically, she sets the example for them. Guess who always cleans the kitchen counters after everyone else? Me. I'm not the SAHM.
(Since she got a job - no, I don't mind doing this half the time).

Believe me - I voiced my anger about this.
She was the one who acted out.

He began to observe that all I did when I walked in the house was complain.

yep.

I soon began to see a therepist for these behaviors...I was convinced that it was me, I was pushy and rude and negative...I really wasn't like this before.

At this point, she was having her first A. I could tell something was wrong with her. She wouldn't tell me squat. I started coming home, and I'd be sitting on the couch watching TV with her, and like clockwork, I'd start having anxiety attacks.

I went to an IC and I guess talking about it soothed me a bit. But I was so confused - I thought *I* was the problem.

Did anyone else find that these people turn basically healthy people into Co-Dep?

I have some codependency issues, according to my IC. My FWW's IC (after d-day#2, when she finally agreed to my suggestion to see one), put her in a codependency recovery program. But my IC (our MC) believes FWW is more like an addict - but the codependency books and program will help her.

I'll say that when my IC suggested that I was a codependent, I was like "really? okay, maybe. . . what do I do about it?"

When it was suggested that FWW was a codependent, or an addict - there was outrage. At some point, about 4 months after d-day#2, she actually came out of her fog of denial, and she was just devastated when she accepted that. She thought it was a horrible thing. She was suicidal, so she went back on AD's.

Tell you what - if a doctor actually diagnoses me with something, I don't view it as a character flaw, or a ding on me. I'm like - "great! finally! a plan to fix this shit!".

But my IC/MC as you can probably tell, does not like "labels". She's right there with treatment, etc. when and where necessary. But I think she thinks labels contribute to the patient's shame, which is a major source of these issues in the first place. I can understand that. I've seen it in action.

I allowed a lot of nonesense to go on that I never should have tolerated. I do own tnat, but never again.

This is a VITAL first step.

Until I learned that I was *not* a bad husband or a bad person, for telling FWW that what she was doing was not okay, she kept right on doing it. And I'd just try harder to do what I thought would please her. (sometimes, that was what she told me would please her - but those goalposts kept moving.)

PAs are msaters at manipulation. The crazymaking can drive all but the strongest individuals right over the edge.

I've been in MC for 20 months. IC for about 6, and d-day was 11 months ago. I was driven so far over the edge, I'm not sure I can even see where it is to grab it and pull myself back up. I guess that's why I'm in IC.

ETA:
FWIW, my FWW is a LEO. She always said she loved to be the center of attention. Little did I know that that was part of the twisted thinking that justified her A's. (traded sex for attention).

One of the really P/A things she did, was I had always given her a dozen long-stemmed red roses for VD. Just sort of a relationship tradition. Well, she told me, shortly after her latest LTA began, about 6 years ago - that she never like the roses, because they brought bugs into the house. (well - this is kind of crazy, because we often just leave our back door open to the yard, when it's nice out, and the bugs come in anyway; we deal, and she never said anything about that).
So I stopped buying roses for VD, and went on to other things. Then, this last year (08, not 09), we're having a conversation with her best friend about VD gifts, and the subject of the roses came up. I pointedly said that she didn't like roses, because of the bugs. I admit, that was a jab. - She said something like; "oh, roses are great, they have a spray for the bugs."
So I got her roses for VD - which was a couple of weeks later.
She got angry, and insisted that I got them for me, not for her. (She was fighting with OM at the time). See? Because she didn't want to be responsible for the whole "afraid of bugs" thing, in front of her best friend. She had to immunize herself from my jab by saying roses were okay. But they weren't. The real reason, is that they were a sweet, romantic, loving gesture, and it made her feel like shit, knowing what she was doing to me behind my back.
Anyway, this year, I got her a card and took her out to dinner.

[This message edited by toonice at 7:28 PM, May 28th (Thursday)]


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, May 29th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Throwing it back in my face.

Making it so it's ME that's the problem.

If he can blame me, and I fall for it, he's off the hook!


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 29th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any of your WH sociopaths....?

From: http://toogoodtobereal.blogspot.com/2006/05/sociopaths-perfect-romantic-partner.html

Sociopaths - the 'perfect' romantic partner
I will never forget the day I found information on the Internet related to romantic relationships with sociopaths. The more I looked, the more I found.

Sociopaths can be very romantic, extremely charming and incredibly generous. They will shower their target with attention, flattery and gifts of all kinds - jewelry, clothes, flowers. A socipath will sweep you off your feet and treat you unlike anyone has ever treated you. He will typically seal the relationship very quickly, often before he discards his current victim.

Sociopaths have the ability to gain your affection very quickly and a relationship with a sociopath becomes intense very quickly. They say all the right things and do all the right things to get what they think they want for the moment. It is not unusual for a sociopath to provide an endless about of support, running errands, organizing and encouraging you when you need it.

A romantic relationship is just another opportunity for a sociopath to find a trusting partner who buys into the lies. Everything about the relationship is a game. They can be extremely charming in a relationship while doing much damage behind the scenes by having countless affairs and lying about them. He will lie to his latest target while he is lying to his current victim. A sociopath will show his true self when he has his next target lined up and he knows that his current relationship is coming to an end.

Sociopaths fail to fulfill their promises or commitment made with romantic partners. They usually have a string of broken relationships and/or failed marriages due to their inability to feel true love and sustain intimate relationships. They never really form emotional attachments and therefore lack any sense of obligation. It may appear that there is an attachment but it isn't real. According to Dr. Martha Stout in her book 'The Sociopath Next Door', sociopaths will marry but never for love. Their relationships allow them to appear normal. Sociopaths can "know the words but not the music". They learn to appear emotional and romantic by imitating others' behavior.

Sociopaths show a stunning lack of concern for the devastating effects their actions have on others including wives, children, family and friends. They do not feel remorse, guilt or shame. They are not able to care about the pain and suffering experienced by others due to their complete lack of empathy which is a prerequisite for love. Sociopaths are always takers and never givers in spite of appearances and the illusion they create.

I bought my wedding dress withind 3 months of dating now WH.

I see in e-mails that she is hook-line and sinker now too. And they haven't even been in a commited R for 3 months...he's been sleeping with me through 4 false Rs and he hasn't told her..even though he'll claim with a straight face that he has told her.

sad


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 1st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone else find that these people turn basically healthy people into Co-Dep?

Yep. I can still vividly see me telling H (then BF) to shit or get off the pot. We had been dating for 5 years, he had moved halfway across the country and had made no committment. I was sitting on my heels for 6 months while he "pursued his dream". Finally said "can't live like this, it's either marry me or we're done."

3 days later we were engaged, but the difference is that if he had pulled the plug, I would have been fine with that too.

I too slowly became who I thought he wanted me to be. Kept the peace at all costs, accepted that I was the cause of all our "troubles".

Even though I know now that he's P/A, that he has deep insecurity issues, I still find myself trying to "fix" everything, to present things "right" instead of just speaking my mind or asking directly.

When I do speak my mind, I get shut down and he becomes dismissive and if I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, it hurts and I find myself wanting to "fix" it again. Only I use the "Well, I'm the bigger person, the adult, I HAVE to be reasonable and see if this can be repaired another way."

I hate having to second guess everything I do or say before I do or say it.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, June 1st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I missed the dinner "conversation".

I will ask H what he feels like eating because I don't care. I'll just cook chicken every night of the week. HE cares. Yet, will not make a decision. "I don't care" is his standard response... until he see what I've cooked and then it's "what made you decide on this?"

Most of it is not criticism directly. I can deal with that, it's the "Explain yourself" crap that gets to me. I made a decision, how tough is that to get?

He told me to choose a restaurant for my birthday dinner. SO I did. Right away. He started calling it "joe's toilet" all week. I finally said "OK, why don't you TELL me where I want to go on my birthday and we can be done with it." Of course, he was only "joking" and said if that's where I wanted to go fine.

And I think God that the meal turned out great, the service was good and H was "happy" with my choice, otherwise I would have been "banned" from making any more restaurant suggestions in the future.

Two nights later we went out with friends. There are 2 restaurants in the shopping center where the movie was playing. I said there was no choice, "let's just eat at #1", it was convenient and had a bigger menu than just pizza. He refused to commit. When our friends showed up, THEY suggested we eat at #1 and he agreed immediately with ENTHUSIASM.

Later, he made some comment about my leaving "all the decisions up to him" and that he "used to think I had some common sense and could be trusted with decisions." Yet HE's NOT MAKING ANY.

I swear I may go


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
alreadygone
♀ Member
Member # 11517
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 1st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dismissive.

Weepy did you say dismissive?

Music to my ears.

That is the word that best describes how I would feel if I tried to make my feelings clear.

I believe I first really and truly started to feel "dismissed" soon after my first child was born. (Can we say 17 years ago?) I remember feeling that what I once felt so very keenly - that my then H saw me, saw my very soul and loved me- was less, was absent more and more.

Eventually, I felt he did not see me at all, and of course it was my fault.

I missed it so much. That illusory sense that I was special to him. I believe I speak for all of us (most of us?) when I say that I missed the man he

either

used to be

or

the man
I thought he was (but wasn't).

Either way,

I sure as fucking hell don't miss the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realize I did not put something back in the place he expected it to be, bc there would be hell to pay.

Like the turkey string.

Once a fucking year we would have turkey in November, and he would tie it up with string. And I must have not put the string back (Notice it was my fault.)

How like me not to put the string back.

Got the silent treatment for that one.

Yep. Don't miss that shit at all.

[This message edited by alreadygone at 8:57 AM, June 1st (Monday)]


Posts: 1011 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: mountain states
NeedingGodsHelp
♀ Member
Member # 23580
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 1st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Passive/Aggressive is another term for Responsibility Avoider.

I agree. WH has gone through cycles of avoiding reponsibility that I just didnt' take thetime to put the pieces together and notice. I suppose I should be "thankful" that he "put up with me" for as long as he did, since I am such a controlling, terrible wife.

He is running now from any resposibiliy of the marriage, the kids, financially, everything... He is living it up like a single man with NO responsibilities!!

I believe I first really and truly started to feel "dismissed" soon after my first child was born. (Can we say 17 years ago?) I remember feeling that what I once felt so very keenly - that my then H saw me, saw my very soul and loved me- was less, was absent more and more.

Eventually, I felt he did not see me at all, and of course it was my fault.

I can so realte to this. We were so great together in the beginning! I have loved him for so long! We were open, honest, and so much fun together.. we could talk about our problems. Then, slowly, he just pulled farther and farther away... building up resentment without telling me anything was wrong.

It is so bad now, I have no idea who he is anymore... He has gone from a kind, loving man to a cruel, selfish, lying, cheating monster.

Because of my views on marriage and family, I still pray and hold out hope that one day he will "wake up" from his fog, but I am starting to wonder if that is really possible for a P-A that takes no responsibility for any faults or actions!

We have ben S for 3 months, ad wnything I do I STILL have to hear - "See, there you go having to CONTROL everything. You will never change!"


BS: me 33
WH: him 33
Married almost 9 yrs, together (off-and-on) 18.5 years
4 kids: 1 mine & 3 ours
DD#1: 2/12/2009 (EA#1)
DD#2: 2/26/2009 (EA/PA w/ tramp#2 - since July 2008)
Status: D 5/2010, Standing, WH living with OW, D filed 4/28/09)

Posts: 440 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Climbing out of hell...
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