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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Passive Aggressive Relationships
Surren33
♀ New Member
Member # 44458
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I am hoping I might get a little clarity from this forum. I found this forum while searching passive agressive behaviour. Anyway I'll try not to make this a novel.

Iv been in a relationship for 3 years and 8 months ago we had a baby girl. Prior to getting pregnant our relationship was great and a major part of my attraction to my OH was how he was happy to let me do what I wanted and he was so relaxed.

When I got pregnant there started the changes. If he did not like something I would not get spoken to. If I asked a direct question while he was having one if his "moods" I would get snapped at. If I ask what is wrong, or why he was upset then I would be told nothing was wrong and I had the problem cause I was asking him.

After I had our daughter the behaviour got worse. It's really hard to describe and when I do I feel stupid but he basically picks at everything I do. But often not openly he will just sigh or mutter under his breath and then bang things around. I get the silent treatment and told I'm causing a fight if I ask what is wrong. If I ask him to help with our daughter he will be all nice and act like he is happy to. But then when the time comes he will stop talking to me or when I get back he will act like he has done me some huge favour and he is so put upon. The things I ask is normally for him to get up once a month to her so I can sleep and extra hour or for him to watch her so I can have an hour to myself once a week.

Sometimes when I ask for him to do little things he will completely overreact and makes feel like I'm asking him to do the impossible. But if I don't ask and do things myself he gets angry because I did not ask him. He often gets angry at me and treats me like I'm stupid because I do not understand something he is talking about. When I say I don't know he tells me that it is obvious and I should know what he meant.

It feels like the more I threaten to leave or try and fix things the worse he gets. Lately it feels like he is trying to stop me from doing anything other than sitting at home with her and doing what he wants.

I don't know maybe I'm just being silly. I doubt myself all the time. He just tells me that he isn't doing anything and that I'm overly sensitive and the one with the problem. I just feel like I can't take anymore of it.

Sorry for the wall of text. It's hard to write something that is so intangible in your head. When I read this it's hard to believe I wrote it.

Edit: for the parts where I say "he gets angry" I mean he gets short with me and ignores me, or he will patronise me. That sort of behaviour.

[This message edited by Surren33 at 11:22 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2014
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surren33, I can totally relate to everything you wrote. Doubting yourself, it's exactly what he wants you to do. It's so maddening the manipulation the P/A is. Silent treatment is a classic way of driving you crazy while making it very hard for you to respond in a healthy way. Blaming you for him snapping at you - like his outburst is your fault. Blameshifting is classic P/A. Making himself out to be a victim, even subtly - OMG you asked for a favor, don't you understand the EXTREME burden that puts on him!!!! Oh, and you are just so SENSITIVE - don't you SEE how that's the problem here, not that he's an asshole?

I found it was very helpful for me to start naming his behaviors
- that's blameshifting
- that's putting me down to make me defensive
- that's an inappropriate outburst
- that's acting like a victim
- that's failing to be responsible
- that's not doing something you agreed to
- that's dumping a task on me he can do himself
- that's expecting me to pick up his mess
- that is a lie (words)
- that is a trick (actions that deceive)

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 9:25 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1185 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People who haven't lived with a P/A will never truly understand how much they crush our self worth, whilst we appear to be the strong controlling ones.

Softcentre, you really nailed it.

And yes, it is maddening. Crazy making. A normal healthy person who ends up in a relationship with a P/A person can end up utterly crushed by the experience. It has taken me years to recover my sense of self. I've been in weekly therapy and have worked so hard to try to get back to who I was.

I graduated from an Ivy-league university with honors. I busted my ass to earn that. And for two years after D-day #6 and the end of false-R I could barely function, barely get out of bed.

I'm better now. But I went through hell with his psychological abuse.

It WAS abuse.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1185 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. It is abusive. And right now, a big part of me is wanting to go back to the familiar pattern that I've been living for almost 2 decades. Need to get out of this funk. I need to remind myself that whatever he might want me to think, I deserve better.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 996 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Neznayou
♀ Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading your accounts of life with a PA mate is helping me see how truly, horribly, maddening life must be for my BH. I know that I minimized the true impact my attitude has had on him because whenever he told me I was being passive aggressive, I thought he was joking and meant it in an "aw, isn't that cute" sorta way. (Which sounds like so much bullshit now as I type it.) I am beginning to recgnize PA behaviors in my FOO, too. Not that that excuses me, but does help me understand how toxic a non-confrontational lifestyle can be.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 286 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nez - in may ways, he's better off if he was able to recognise it and name it,even if you ignored that.

I was unable to understand what was happening and why I reacted like that. I thought I was a horrible,terrible, shouty person. I 'knew' how nice he was, how he hardly ever got angry. I felt awful for keeping on asking him to do things that he'd promised.

Pre-dday, we hardly ever argued, but when we did all my anger fear would come out and it would go on for hours, mainly because although he'd sometimes admit to the surface incident, he'd refuse to talk about the deeper and ongoing patterns. He'd say sorry, but deflect the conversation and we'd go around in circles for ages. Me getting more and more frustrated because he seemed to think that if he said sorry, the conversation was over. If I kept going, somehow i became the 'bad unforgiving spouse who couldn't accept his apology. I could, but me (being codep), i wanted us to work on the deeper issue and he just...kept trying to make it slip away, like jello. So the awful dance kept going on...and he resented me more and more.

Throughout our M I worked so hard on improving myself so that I could live up to my 'wonderful nice guy' husband. No matter how STBXH would like to paint out M. I thought we were happy (he let me think we were) and that it was only my own insecurities and issues that caused any friction. So I worked on them.

I KNOW that I became a healthier person the further our M went on. But STBXH painted me (both in his head and to others) as worse and worse as time went on. Can you imagine living like that? And then when he started flirting with a friend of mine via email ( ) it got worse. But he hid it from me. The he met Fat Bottomed Girl and he stopped hiding his contempt for me, so much.

I STILL didn't understand what was happening. I had no idea this was passive aggression and no idea how to deal with it. My self esteem had sunk. I assumed that the anger i saw in him was caused by me. So I started doing this thing called 'assume love'. You basically assume that your H loves you, no matter what. That if you think they're angry etc, it's you just projecting your own issues. You act lovingly and they're supposed to respond. The more I did it, the worse he got and the more he plunged himself into the A. You see, he didn't want that from me. He WANTED my anger and did worse things to try and provoke it. And I still blamed myself for it all.

So when dday happened. I was a trembling devastated mess. I had zero self esteem. I begged him to stay. He was openly unremorseful for 4 months. Then he pretended for another 4 months of false R. And I let him treat me like sh*t. He never stopped blameshifting.

Even after he left, for months I kept hoping he'd come back,trying to start deep and meaningful conversations with him. Trying to fix it all by myself.

When I told people about his A (after he left). No-one could believe it because he's "such a nice man". And then i started finding out how he'd been making me look bad to people for years...because it made him look better. His p/a, by the time he left (whether conscious or not) had left me quite isolated. He'd dissuaded me from keeping in contact with any of my old friends.Tried to turn me against my family and his, with just small comments and looks, pretending he was looking out for me. He had full control of the finances. I genuinely didn't know how I could survive as a single mum.

I wasn't like this when we were married. I had a lot of flaws, but I had very good self esteem. I was a go-getter. nothing could phase me. Living with him for 14 years changed all of that. I own my own codep & am working on that. But part of it was that his p/a abuse happened so slowly and gradually that I didn't realise.

Now I know. Now I'm getting myself informed. Now I'm working on myself & learning to let go of who he is (he's unremorseful & refuses to admit he's p/a despite being diagnosed by our MC). i wish I'd known about p/a years ago and had the tools to deal with it. and,if it wasn't for our children, I wish I'd known the warning signals so i would never have married him. But that's mostly because of his lack of remorse and denial about p/a.

Nez - You've taken 2 huge steps that my STBXH won't. You're facing your A. You're admitting your p/a....If your BS is willing to work with you, then I hope you make it and I admire your courage to face what you've done and who you are. I wish more people could do the same.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 996 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
DebbieMM
♀ New Member
Member # 44714
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, September 1st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondering if this is him also
Older man ,police officer , married 3 times
Has cheated on all 3 wives has no trust for S but S must trust him, likes to be helpful and everyone to know he's helping out, doesn't spend alot of time w kids but excepts kids to be around when he wants., can put his job first but S can't put her job first, calls taking care of his own kids babysitting . These are some trates i feel make him pa.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2014
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