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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím old and wise enough to accept that these situations arise, and to learn to cope with that feeling of being emotionally relegated that accompanies them. Right now you have a lot on your plate and, quite understandably, youíre expressing yourself in this way. [DS3] is currently draining you emotionally, and thereís not a lot left for me. So, my reaction is to build up interests outside of you directly, by getting out of the way, by throwing myself into the job (how I wish!) or golf, or almost anything else that helps me to deal with the sense of being undervalued, underappreciated.

UKG - this entire passage has me shaking my head in both disbelief and acknowledgment of my H's feelings during those early years of raising OUR children. I highlighted the "getting out of the way" and "your plate" because it is just infuriating how men see this as the woman's role and instead of participating and sharing in this they seem to see our devotion to our children as neglect on our part of their needs. Didn't we bring these children into the world together? Aren't the needs of our children the responsibility of both parents? I used to have a fit when my H would volunteer
to "babysit" for me. WTF????
My H was/is very jealous of my attention to my youngest DD. She was and is such a sweetheart, affectionate, cuddly, adorable. She loved being held and snuggled, and I loved showering her with my love. He resented me for this and I believe resented her for stealing my affection from him and is so critical of her even today. I know it stems from a jealousy that is so bizarre to me. I often wonder if his LTA was his passive aggressive response to this resentment because the timing would support this theory. How sad for them! Boo hoo hoo, mommy doesn't love me anymore. I've found someone who puts me above all others, even her dying H.
His justification for the affair. Poor baby couldnít cope with his childrenís demands on their mother.


How utterly pathetic for them.
"I have encouraged her to take up IC but she refuses to, saying that she is too old (54) and that she has to let the past just go. I think she is also scared of what IC might dredge up re FOO issues." ETA that I forgot to put this in quotes.
LH, First, hey, I'm 56, I must be ancient!
Secondly, the sad thing is that it sounds like she hasn't been able to let the past go, especially considering your dad's behavior. It's hard enough to do that when we are getting IC help. To try to do that on our own, well that just makes the task even more impossible, IMHO.
I feel for your Mom, especially considering her diagnosis. But they could be wrong about that too. Maybe she has more years ahead of her than she's been told to believe. And what a shame to continue to bury these painful feelings only to have them surface again and again. She must know that you are in IC and doing very well, getting stronger all the time. Would she consider going with you just to get a sense of how this process works? Hugs to your mom and to you.
BTW, our meeting is getting close. Sounds like we're going to have quite a party. Are we up to five of us now? I am excited to meet all of you. I have already told my son and my H and they have made plans for the day. I hope we can spend no less than 2 to 3 hours together.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:34 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a flag about an A just whether or not he has changed enough to keep you safe.

HS - this is what I'm feeling. I don't think he'd do that again but seeing his old behaviors resurface has been stressful because as difficult as they were to deal with before d-day they are now next to impossible to tolerate knowing now what he has done.
Also, I do agree with what you said about your Mom and Dad. My H is older and has a very "old school" idea of parenting, he's the breadwinner, I'm the caregiver. I have friends who are married to men our own age and these men seem to be so much more involved in their children's care and they enjoy it too. I think the idea that men are hands-off in the childrearing department is such a shame for both the fathers and the children. I'm glad to see the changes now and I am happy for my son and SIL that they will get to enjoy the benefits and joy of parenthood.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

was for you to keep an emotional distance more so to protect yourself, as the change in temperant came be hurtful and bewildering.

I definitely am doing this but it's so much against my nature that I'm having difficulty. I need emotional connection. I've never really been good at superficial relationships. Thank you for the link. I couldn't read too much of it last night with my H around but I'll definitely read through to see if I can get some insight into my H's psyche.
As to what behaviors I'm seeing, it's his sarcasm, his criticisms, his relestness that seem to be more constant these days. Last night I had his nephew and family over for dinner. I knocked myself out all day and put out a very nice meal. We had a wonderful time. No sooner had they left and I had come into the computer room to check in on everyone here, that my H came back and told me that there was dust on the fireplace hood. WTF??
Not, gee hon, thanks for making tonight so special. Wow, you really knocked yourself out. Thanks for a great meal. No - just you missed some dust in the family room - FUCK YOU buddy, take care of it yourself. Then when I responded angrily, he stomped off mumbling under his breath and feeling sorry for himself because I always criticize him.
It's that kind of thing. This is so typical of his family upbringing. I saw that all the time with his parents. Hold out on praise and tell your children (and spouse) how it can be done better. Let me tell you for anyone who doesn't live with this, that this really gets old after 34 years of marriage and one LTA.
I'm off my pity platform and anxious to hear how everyone else is doing. Thank you for indulging me everyone. I do feel better.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my H came back and told me that there was dust on the fireplace hood.

He is lucky he is still alive. OMFG!!! I want to drive down there a hit him over the head with a baseball bat. Who does he think you are? June Fucking Cleaver?

I gotta go cool off after reading that.

(marches off through dust bunnies of dog hair to cool off)


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to drive down there a hit him over the head with a baseball bat.

Can I PM you my address???
(marches off through dust bunnies of dog hair to cool off)


ETA - the visual of that is so damn funny I can't stop laughing. Thanks for the best laugh of my week.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:15 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf,
Would she consider going with you just to get a sense of how this process works?

No, she wont.
My mum knows how it works, in theory. heck, she has a honours in psychology and a doctorate in ed. psych. She set up a counselling service for abused women when we were teens.
However she is not one to practice what she preaches. We were brought up to present well, irrespective of what crap was going on. To soldier on. To overlook the trespasses of others, turn the other cheek and just do your best. Dont dwell on the past. Just get on with it and if you do your best, you will be rewarded...one day.
The thing is she never really let her past go. She can remember past hurts so clearly yet she will smile and welcome that person in her home. I just dont do that anymore..and none of them can understand it. What happened to good ol LH? She has issues. She is seeing a therapist...still!

I cant save my mum. I can listen to her when she needs it. I cant change her mind about my H or my father. They will always be misunderstood men who were ill treated when they were little, and now need us to be good strong wives to see them through their trials...cos we are stronger and more able.

Guess thats where I got my stickability from.

***

Fnf,
Your H complained about dust??

Gosh, he must feel so inadequate next to you if thats all he has to say about the effort you made for the evening.

Anyhow, I am so looking forward to our meet.
I leave this Saturday for my first ever holiday without my children..without anyone actually.
Am v excited but anxious as well. Eldest DD is feeling abandoned, and sees it as me leaving them.
H is has been alright though. Said he will manage just fine. Things must have really changed around here for me to actually be leaving the kiddos alone with him for a week!
3 years ago..who would have thunk??


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost,

We havent heard from you in while. Please check in. I thought of you when I woke up this morning. Hope you are doing ok.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just dont do that anymore..and none of them can understand it.

I am so happy for you that you were able to break free of that. With every post your strength and determination come through loud and clear. You are an amazing woman and I can't wait to finally meet. Are you sure our location works for you considering your trip? Maybe we can find one that is more convenient. Don't hesitate to look for something closer for you since you'll just be getting home.
Have a great time on your trip. I'll want to hear all about it when we meet.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(marches off through dust bunnies of dog hair to cool off)

I'm glad I could make you laugh. It would be funny if it weren't literally true. My dog is blowing her coat and I would have to vacuum 3x per day to avoid said dust bunnies of dog hair and 3x per day is 3x more than I ever do anyway!

My mum knows how it works, in theory. heck, she has a honours in psychology and a doctorate in ed. psych. She set up a counselling service for abused women when we were teens.
However she is not one to practice what she preaches. We were brought up to present well, irrespective of what crap was going on. To soldier on. To overlook the trespasses of others, turn the other cheek and just do your best. Dont dwell on the past. Just get on with it and if you do your best, you will be rewarded...one day.

What an amazing woman (now we know were you got it from). It is too bad that when it came to her own family that she couldn't practice what she knew and held to convention instead. It shows us just how hard it is to break free of all the things that we are brainwashed with as a child.

leave this Saturday for my first ever holiday without my children..without anyone actually.
Am v excited but anxious as well. Eldest DD is feeling abandoned, and sees it as me leaving them.
H is has been alright though. Said he will manage just fine. Things must have really changed around here for me to actually be leaving the kiddos alone with him for a week!
3 years ago..who would have thunk??

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! LH you have come so far. I haven't even been on SI for 2 years and I know when I first joined and got to know you I wouldn't ever have thought you would do this. Good for you taking care of yourself.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure our location works for you considering your trip?

Fnf, I vill be der!
By railway, trailway, airway...

***

I know when I first joined and got to know you I wouldn't ever have thought you would do this. Good for you taking care of yourself.

You and me both, Sister!
I havent seen my friends together in 11 years. I was the only one who was a mom then, now we all are.

Have a nonLTA little "concern" if anyone has time.
I dont really know how to have fun; how to let my hair done.i just dont do that. In high school and uni, I was a good girl. When this gang got together, I was the sober one, keeping them out of trouble (that is when I did go out with them). I was/am what is called a party pooper. Now I am hoping that they have changed somewhat since then. After all they are moms now, right? But one of them sent a mail this week, hinting at "fun" we were going to have. Another sent a mail with words "wild" and "PARTY" in it. Yikes.
I dont want to still be the party pooper but what do 37year old moms do for fun these days on a girly week?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
didnthaveaclue
♀ New Member
Member # 23327
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH2,

Have a great holiday, hope you get some well desreved down time. Promise to follow up on the counselling while you are gone.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what do 37year old moms do for fun these days on a girly week?

Wish I could remember that far back . It's been almost 20 years for me.
I would think just being away from the H's is enough fun for any of us.
Have a great time and see you soon.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would you think I fit into this thread?

WH has gone back to OW for 3 separate affairs, first one starting in 1998. Conceived child w/OW on purpose in 2000 (born 2001). And, had 3rd affair last year (even after he became paraplegic & I had been his biggest supporter & helper for 4 years since accident).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Repeat.

I read your profile. I am so so sorry that you have been through so much. I am sitting here quite stunned at what you have been through in this M. The OW in your sitch has to be the worst I have heard of.

(((((((((repeat)))))))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All. I have been "admonished" for not checking in here, yet finding time to post in other forums.

So here and I am and what do I stumble upon

definitely am doing this but it's so much against my nature that I'm having difficulty. I need emotional connection. I've never really been good at superficial relationships. Thank you for the link. I couldn't read too much of it last night with my H around but I'll definitely read through to see if I can get some insight into my H's psyche.
As to what behaviors I'm seeing, it's his sarcasm, his criticisms, his relestness that seem to be more constant these days. Last night I had his nephew and family over for dinner. I knocked myself out all day and put out a very nice meal. We had a wonderful time. No sooner had they left and I had come into the computer room to check in on everyone here, that my H came back and told me that there was dust on the fireplace hood. WTF??
Not, gee hon, thanks for making tonight so special. Wow, you really knocked yourself out. Thanks for a great meal. No - just you missed some dust in the family room - FUCK YOU buddy, take care of it yourself. Then when I responded angrily, he stomped off mumbling under his breath and feeling sorry for himself because I always criticize him.
It's that kind of thing. This is so typical of his family upbringing. I saw that all the time with his parents. Hold out on praise and tell your children (and spouse) how it can be done better. Let me tell you for anyone who doesn't live with this, that this really gets old after 34 years of marriage and one LTA.

Oh FnF. I hear you. That's been my life since we "agreed" to stop asking about the affairs, stop counseling, pretend all is well.

And I saw my IC 2 weeks ago and told her that I was finishing school, had been religious about going to the gym with DS and as soon as I got a job in Sept/Oct, I was outta here. That's the plan, so I bite my tongue (sometimes). I picked up a new hobby (puzzles) that H finds absolutely infuriating because I'm not "paying attention to him" (my translation).

He's been awful to DS and he's ready to move back to the apartment in the city for the duration of the summer. He's got himself a fantastic internship at a record company in town and is using the "commute would be easier" excuse.

On the other hand, I'm ready to kick DD out of the house for her attitude. She's as obnoxious and selfish as the old man. And now she's risking pregnancy because she's too irresponsible to call her gyn and make an appointment. I actually told her last night that if she got pregnant, she better be prepared to move out with BF immediately. I was NOT going to turn my life upside down to care for her child. And I even lied to her and told her that all that money she's saving by living home would be gone because she has single insurance coverage and pregnancy is only covered under family plans. (evil, I know) But she's too stupid and lazy to go check it out.

Today I declared I was doing "NOTHING" day after she hit me up for a ride to work this morning citing "you're not doing anything". It's a wonder she didn't go through a window last night. But I had already lit into H over a comment he made to me about how I didn't do something right in MY GARDEN. Suddenly it's OUR garden. Five years ago when I designed it, bought the plants, cut it out, cultivated it and hauled everything into place it was "she does so much on her garden, isn't it beautiful?" Now I'm a complete idiot about it, apparently.

FnF, you also mentioned something about your H being jealous of your relationship with DD. Same here. It was his first "excuse" for the affairs... "You were too involved with the kids." Like yours, I'm sure, if we weren't around, those kids would have been raising themselves. My husband certainly wasn't there.

As a matter of fact, 2 weekends ago DS decided to take apart his motorcycle and clean the carbeurator (sp?). His father berated him the entire time. Called him stupid, an idiot, he couldn't do anything right. Even asked if the kid wore a tie to his interview the day before.

I wish I had a quicker wit because all I wanted to do was ask him if he thought I had raised an idiot. And maybe if he had been more involved with his children during their formative years (like 8 or 10 of them)maybe they wouldn't be so stupid, selfish and irresponsible. (None of which apply to DS).

So there's why I'm leaving this fall. I'll be in great shape after an hour + at the gym every day. I'm going to get the tummy tuck as soon as I lose 20 lbs. and I'll be headed out to my new life, my more peaceful life, out of scrutiny and beyond his influence. DS will be coming with me... already discussed it.

LH you are about to meet an astonishing woman. Love her to death! I hope you and UKG and Fnf have a wonderful meet, with lots of tears and tissues...

Gotta run. HE is on his way home.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ow #4 is confirmed.....

and she is not the orginal #4...so now the original #4 is #5

need to go read elsewhere and get out of my head....

i was in such a good place and need to get there again....

hope all of you are doing o.k....still haven't had time to catch up......and intend to....from what little i read some of you are having a hard time......these men AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

maybe i should breathe a bit.....so tempted to throw him out like NOW>>>>>>


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, miracle. That is horrible.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gee Weepy, I hope it didn't sound like I was admonishing you, just missed you that's all.
It is good to hear from you and I always look forward to our meetings. Also, sorry to hear that your H still isn't "getting it." I know all too well how frustrating that can be. Thank heavens there are some good times to keep us going.
Repeat - Welcome to our little corner of SI. I read your profile too and I'm sorry you've been through too much. Please keep posting and hopefully you can get some good advice and support.
Miracle - that is awful. Lots of hugs to you as you work through this.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez, Weepy. Your plans are big news. Did I miss that, or is this something new to all of us?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT - It's been a long time coming. And now it isn't even about the infidelity. It's about our current M and his anger issues.

An example, like fnf, I can do nothing right. I'm always "stepping on his territory" or "not thinking".

He has verbally abused our son so often that he refuses to interact with his father any more. He stays at his apartment in the city as often as I will let him. I'm going to lose my son because of it. And frankly, he's more important than whether my H is happy. Which itself is an oxymoron, my "happy husband".

It's about how he's changed from the man who wanted me, our marriage at all costs. He's turned back into the "you're the one with problems" rationalizations. He's making jokes about infidelity. The other night when he found a water bottle on the window sill and blew up, I reminded him that most of the crap in the way around our house was his.
he even threatened to "throw away your whole life" if I touched his things. I told him he had already done that once before. And he got angrier.

He won't go back to MC. He still goes to IC and discusses STOCK BUYS or how unappreciated he is at work.

So,here we are. Approaching our 30th anniversary with no joy on either end. I found peace because I know this is the decision I should have made 4 years ago.

Making the plan to leave has settled my brain so much. It's helped me let his comments roll off my back. I don't even trigger as much when he "forgets" what's transpired in our M. I just figure it's more reinforcement for my decision.

And fnf, I was only kidding when I said "admonished". Love you to death.

[This message edited by weepy at 8:54 AM, June 26th (Friday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


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