I'm glad he's going to IC. I didn't realize he hadn't done it before.
One thing I'm surprised to hear you say is that you believed the LTA was a "perfect storm" rather than evidence of something significant that needed changing in him. I'm glad you see now that that isn't the case. I hope no one else here is thinking that their LTA WS was the victim of circumstance rather than the author of their own destiny.
There isn't a whole lot I believe is true in every affair, but one abolute that I see is that a WS in a LTA has some realy serious character flaws/personality issues. I mean, in a short affair I could see how someone could kind of dissociate long enough to do it and still be a basically sound person. But when it goes on for years, when the lies, the cheating, the using, the deception goes on for years, you have to accept that that is who they are. Even if they were not terribly flawed to begin with, lying and cheating and treating a spouse like crap for all those years turns them into something truly awful. Something that they really need to work hard to change.
I feel lucky that SI and IC helped me to realize that very early on. I knew that the ability to have a LTA meant that there was a fundamental problem in my husband. That he was not who I thought he was or who he pretended to be. That we both had to understand and accept who he truly was and that he had to change at a very fundamental level if we were going to stay married.
And I had to change, too. I had to learn what I was worth and to accept nothing less. And to realize that I had been accepting less for a long time -- and that was part of the reason that less was what I was getting.
Anyway, I wish you guys the best. I would start or go back to MC, too, along with the IC.
Below is a letter that I wrote to send to my SIL. If you saw my vent yesterday, my H's sister sent an anniversary card to me KNOWING that we don't celebrate that date and KNOWNING the complete mess her brother has made of my life. I just can't let it go and have written the following. I would love any and all comments.
I have been contemplating writing to you since I received your note on my birthday last December. In that note, you expressed how happy you were when xxxxx and I married and you finally had the sister you always wanted. I canít tell you how hurt I was when I read that. As you know, xxxxx has told me everything that he has done since we met. As you know, he has NEVER been faithful to me. He was unfaithful while we were dating, while we were engaged and throughout our entire marriage. Unfortunately, I had no idea. I canít tell you how much it would have meant to me if one of the few people that knew had told me and given me the chance to know what kind of marriage I was in. You were one of those few people.
Yesterday, an anniversary card arrived here from you. We no longer recognize anniversary of our marriage as, obviously, xxxxx never meant any of the vows which he took. He was never committed to this relationship at all. I am struggling to try to hold together a family at an enormous emotional cost to myself. I will never know the enormous joy of having an honest, loving and faithful spouse, a partner, someone that I can trust to go through life with and who will look after me as I look after them. I will never be able to trust him again. The level and extent of the deceit was too much. I do not need to be reminded of that on an annual basis by one of the few people who knew the truth of my situation. You had the chance to demand that your brother take responsibility for his actions and either tell me the truth or you would do it yourself. But, like most in your family, you ran away from the truth and allowed me to be used and degraded for years and years. The only thing that these dates tell me now is the extent of time I was deceived.
I am so sad that my children can no longer wish their parents a ďhappy anniversaryĒ. May 11th is a dark day in our house. I am returning this card to you and respectfully requesting that you honor my decision to not recognize this day.
If you must say something to her, I would keep it short and to the point.
For my anniversary, 3 years after dday, I did not get a card for FWS. I couldn't find the right one. FWS expressed hurt and pain for how inconsiderate I was.
You see, we are in R. We are still together. So, FWS thought a card would show that we are in it for the long haul and celebrating our lives together and into the future. My thoughts are not clear, but he was hurt.
My thoughts. Anniversaries are celebrations for finding the person that loves, honors, treasures, protects you over the years.... and I am not feeling it. I was so hurt that FWS EXPECTED a sign of my love on that day.
Because I am still here, he took it to mean that we are to celebrate our union.
I have no idea what went on in your family or inlaws. I also sent a PM.
Just my thoughts.
May 11th is a dark day in our house.
For my anniversary, 3 years after dday, I did not get a card for FWS. I couldn't find the right one. FWS expressed hurt and pain for how inconsiderate I was.
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:48 AM, May 11th (Monday)]
I donít think you need hugs, but Iíll give you a crush-your-ribs bear one (((shirley))).
Forget the day, donít let it play on your mind. This is just another day, happens to be a Monday, happens to be the second Monday in May, so what? Personally, I ainít bothered about our anniversary. I had all the hurt, the whirling turmoil and pain of the first after dday when FWH was still in contact with sad-bitch moaning MOW the second when I disappeared down south and had a very nice dinner out with 4xM friend and last year we had the excruciating business of going to my parents diamond do and having our anni announced to the gathering. I felt as if I was in a play. Which I was (a farce). But I got through it by putting that protective wall up each time. It meant I wasnít really involved; as if it was nothing to do with me and I was a voyeur on the scene.
Cards? I chuck them all in the bin as they arrive. The date isnít marked on the calendar and my boys would never remember anyhow. As a couple, weíd never been big on the anni celebration (apart from the 25th, which I regret now, but never mind). Which brings me to another raw and painful piece of knowledge that WH and MOW seemed to celebrate any reason for a fucking anniversary Ė PUKE!
Ride with it sister. As with any pain, ride atop the wave and donít fight it. Youíll be safe on the beach of tomorrow before you know it.
Iíll be back with my words of wisdom tomorrow when I will catch up with you all.
ETA: And I wouldn't bother with the effort of writing SIL a letter, just sent the card back marked "not wanted" or something. She's not worth your time.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:06 AM, May 11th (Monday)]
I am going to send the note and the card to his sister. I think FNF is right. This is a step in my healing that I need to take. It is more for me than for her. Oh, I am absolutely positive the phone lines will be burning up at the other end but I don't care. I am completely NC with his mother (who "doesn't like me anyway"). His brother is dying. His sister is someone I always thought had "escaped" the issues of that family but I realize now...not so much.
FNF, I hope you do go through a recommitment ceremony. Lord knows you have earned. Plus, it is a really good excuse to do some world class shopping.
Hey UKG, when we gonna see those pics of the new you? I am not a patient person sweetie!
I always find the lead up worse than the actual event. I'm glad today hasn't been too bad for you.
I don't think I will ever see our wedding anniversary as a joyous thing. It's gotten so that it's bearable, or at least bittersweet, but there are too many years of pain there to celebrate. This is one of the few aspects of our marriage I don't thin I'll ever be able to reconcile completely.
i hope you all had a peaceful anniversary...may you be blessed with peace of mind as well as peace within the home.....
HB, no words, just hugs.
Hope the letter provides you with one more healing step.
Sorry I didnt get in yesterday. Sending you buckets of white light for today, my friend.
A recommitment ceremony?
That sounds wonderful! How and when are you going to approach H? When do we start dress shopping?
How are you?
Fnf is coming over in July..be there or be square!
Tribe, I have been having a crappy time at work and am trying hard to stay sane.
I had to remove a child from her mother and it was horrible.Yes, thats part of my job but it was my first time, and it just sucks.
I dont know who hurt her so until we determine that, she will have to be kept safe away from her family.
Give your kiddos an extra hug when you can. No matter how crappy our M or our WS or whatever is, we are responsible for those lives that have been born to us, and sometimes,( I know I am way guilty of this), its easy to take them for granted. We dont really know what we have till its taken away.
Have a peaceful day folks.
Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:09 AM, May 12th (Tuesday)]
HS - come on, you said you love London. How about joining us???
Umm, when are you going? If it is a time when I can make it work, I am there in a heartbeat.
FYI, I am going into Boston today to meet TreadingWater and ImGonnaMakeIt. IGMI is here visitin from AZ and TW lives in the area. I am REALLY nervous as this will be my first IRL contact with SIers (and not even LTAers at that).
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:29 AM, May 12th (Tuesday)]
i do not think i could ever do that kind of job, between the heartbreak and the anger towards abusers i would be a basket case....
fnf: if i may ask?, why not just be up front and tell him what you want? men can be very thick , not to mention they are the lousiest mind readers in the world!!! if he's worked hard on repairing all he's done, you feel enough restoration to want this then think of what it would and could mean to him coming from you...it could be such an affirmation for him......or are you afraid?
uk girl i hope you doing ok
hs...let us know when you find out anything on the letter
well tribe it been another rough couple of days for me, i was on such an amazing high being asked out on friday. i still feel great about it, i still feel more like the old me and i'm not falling apart.....
stupid stupid me, first i found a wad of money in his pants on sat....the loan sharking never ended, that was a dealbreaker promise and he knew it....then i stupidly, stupidly on sat asked him a brand spanking new question on #3, i asked him where he was supposed to meet her on d-day before it was cancelled because of the snow
asshole couldn't remember that it was a snowstorm that day, and then asshle proceeded to give me 2 different places.....so he ied about something that never even took place, he lied about what WAS SUPPOSED to take place...not and ACTUAL event....and then truly does not understand why i do not believe him...LIKE FUCKING HELLO...HOW STUPID ARE YOU...DO U REALLY THINK I CAN BELEIVE ANYTHING
then i told him that he wasn't doing enaything proactive for this marriage that he so called fighting for...that i turned him on to si and he's not even using it as a resource...so he ends up posting, not clear in his posts but he posts...
jump to the middle of the night or wee hous mom's day, we are discussing all of this in our room, we started on and off from 3 am to 6 am....he goes to the bathroom and my dd16 yo comes running to me in my bed.....well it wasn't pretty....my dd finally told him some of what she has been feeling, told us what she heard, almost all of it...and then asked her father for some details herself, he admitted to her that he was inappropriate and told her one of the wheres and that a women was involved...but she wanted the WHY...so he finally had to look her in the eye and tell her that he was planning that night to be unfaithful to her mom.....a very hurtful start to my mothers day....
then yesterday my ds 13 yo...listened in on one of the other phones with a good freind, and heard an earful himself....the only thing he was able to put together aside from the fact that his mothe was cursing like a truck driver was that his mom felt great because she was asked out on a date....he said he had a hard time not laughing when i explained my wh reaction and how i handled it...he was proud that he was able to keep from laughing so he could hear more....and mor he heard...like i was tempted...thankfully he didn't make the connection of his fathers infidelities, because that was defineitly part of the convo....
i asked him how he felt about it...he thought it was funny, didn't understand how a man could ask a married woman out,after all she's married....
i waited about 30 seconds looked up at him with a smile on my face and asked "shoudl i go"....with that he bust out laughing, and so did i and my mom who was in the room with us...we all were laughing...but then at dinner i had to inform my other 2 children, my dd got nervous that her brother had found out about the infidelity and you culd see the relief in her body when she realized that it was just that mom got asked out.....
they also asked for details....i said i wsn't ready to share yet, and when i did it would be with their dad first.
a few other minor things but that was the gist.....
4 days of big up and big downs.....
whew...thank you as always for being there my si family.....and allowing my rambles....
(((((HUGS)))))to all as always
WS-59: LTA (22+ years)
MOW-54: H's old girlfriend
D-day 08/11/08 (3 days before 25th anniversary)
Working hard on R
HB...I am so sorry. I heard you were looking for me since I went through something similar. It was almost 18 months ago and it did a dramatic shift in our reconciliation process. In retrospect, it had to happen for him to finally understand and own the issues. I could have done without it, but honestly, I don't think he could have.
((((hugs to all my fellow LTAers)))
PM for you HB.......
"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."
LH2 -- Thank you so much for being willing to do such a difficult job; we all depend on y'all to protect families and know that you do your best. And if the situations themselves aren't tough enough, the second-guessing can really get to you. Hang in there --
HS -- Glad you got through yesterday. Let us know how your day goes today in Boston -- and your decisions about sending the letter.
I think I'm still dealing with my feelings about our 30th "anniversary" which was earlier this month -- I got through the actual day just fine, and have been really emotional since then. I, also, could't find an appropriate card (totally identify with MegT and FNF's experiences) -- arghh! And since *none* of our family knows about our sitch, it's almost more difficult -- I've gotten so good at pretending that it's scaring me.
BT -- thanks for your words to HB -- your posts are so insightful that I always learn from them.
miracle -- so sorry you're still in the thick of things -- hugs to you, too.
Will be in and out of the forum for the next few weeks -- mojo to you all.
Umm, when are you going? If it is a time when I can make it work, I am there in a heartbeat
Shirley, I am sure your visits went well today. I have met 3 SI LTA'ers IRL and both times came back with my jaw on the floor. They are all as amazing IRL as they are here. Just knowing you are talking to someone who really knows what you are talking about....what a feeling.
I will have to make absolutely sure that this is what I want before I say anything. It's just surprising to me that I have been thinking that I might want to do this.
the loan sharking never ended, that was a dealbreaker promise and he knew it....
Miracle,That must have been one emotionally charged weekend.
So what does it mean that this was a dealbreaker? What does H think it means? What are the consequences?
Your poor kiddos. It sounds like your DD is under alot of strain. Does she have someone she can chat to..school counsellor? Fav elder relative? Maybe its something you can look into.
I've gotten so good at pretending that it's scaring me.
Hey Zanny, old friend.